Month: October 2011

All They Need Is Play

Angelina writes: “I have been reading your blog articles as well as following on Facebook. I wish that I knew about your classes when my almost 2 year old was a baby! I was wondering if you could answer a question that I have been having or perhaps provide some insight. There are many blogs that I have been seeing raving about “Tot School” basically a semi-structured school time for young toddlers to preschoolers. I have done a few of the worksheets, art activities, and Montessori activities with her and while she enjoys it and has learned a lot, I can’t help but wonder if it’s too structured. What are your thoughts on early learning at this age? Could it be detrimental or am I maybe being too paranoid?”

playing outside - spring has arrived!

Dear Angelina,

First, thank you for reading, and for trusting me enough to ask for my opinion.You are  not being at all paranoid. In fact, you are being quite wise to question the value of a semi-structured school time that utilizes worksheets to teach your two year old. I hope you won’t mind that I chose to answer your question publicly, but it is one that comes up frequently, and my hope is that others will benefit from reading, and entering into the discussion.

I hadn’t heard of “Tot School” before, so I did a quick google search, and was dismayed by my findings: “For those of us with older children who are homeschooled, we often place a lot of emphasis on them while the tots just *play.* This isn’t bad, it just didn’t work for me. Personally, I felt I was losing valuable 1 on 1 time with my precious tot that I had with my first child since he was the only one then. Tot School is the time each day I spend with my tot, exposing early learning skills through FUN play.”

Now, there are two aspects of this I love: The first is the idea of spending some time each day focused on your toddler, and the second is the idea of fun play. ( Play is what your daughter naturally does, and she doesn’t need to be shown how to do it well!)  But what I don’t agree with is “exposing (your child to) early learning skills through FUN play.”  Why? Because as soon as you define a ‘learning goal’, and begin to actively ‘teach’ your child through using worksheets, or introducing planned activities and materials that are to be used in a prescribed way to teach number and letter skills (for instance), your child is no longer engaging in free, experimental, self guided, creative play, and the learning is no longer her own.
It’s just not necessary to expose your daughter to “early learning skills” in a structured, artificial way, because your two year old is constantly learning everything she needs to know just by being involved in her daily routines, actively exploring her world at her own pace, and engaging in relationship with you, the rest of her family, and the children at your local playground. All she needs is play to learn what she needs to learn, and to see her through to the time in her life when she is ready for more structured learning and instruction (ideally, sometime after the age of seven).
This is only one story about one little girl, but it illustrates what I’ve observed any number of times, over a number of years, with a number of children. S. who is now six, and in the first grade, is reading fluently at about a fourth grade level. She loves reading and writing, and just got her first children’s dictionary last week, which she begged her Mom to allow her to sleep with. I learned S. could read one day last year when there was a book fair at the school library, and we went  to look at books together. She picked up an early reader, and said “Do you want me to read you a story from this book?” I (of course) said yes, and she sat down and proceeded to read the whole book in an animated way, without a hiccup. I was a bit shocked, to tell the truth. I asked her if  her teacher had read the book to her earlier that day, and she said “No Lisa, I just know how to read it.” That night, as I shared the story with her parents,  they told me they had just discovered S.’s reading abilities earlier in the week, when she announced that she wanted to read a new book of fairy stories to them at bedtime. They were similarly amazed by her ability and fluency.

Reading by the window

The interesting thing is, her parents and I never focused on teaching S. to read through any formal means, like through the use of flashcards or worksheets, or other structured learning activities. We are all avid readers, and she sees us reading and writing regularly. We also took her to the library once every couple of weeks from the time she was about a year old, and of course, we  cuddled up and read to her daily. Other than that, S.’s  “schedule” as a toddler was just hanging out playing with me or her parents, until she was three and a half,  and started to attend a totally play based preschool for a few hours every morning, where she chose to spend most of her time in the dress up corner, or outside on the monkey bars.
It’s ironic that you wrote to me yesterday because a sobering article was just published in Scientific American which addresses exactly the question you are asking. Entitled The Death Of Preschool, the byline reads: “The trend in early education is to move from a play-based curriculum to a more school-like environment of directed learning. But is earlier better? And better at what?” The article concludes, “Perhaps most disturbing is the potential for the early exposure to academics to physiologically damage developing brains.” Yes, you read correctly, there is evidence to indicate early exposure to academics may actually damage developing brains. Not what any parent wants for their child, by any means.

…parents might be surprised to learn that “just playing” is in fact what nearly all developmental psychologists, neuroscientists and education experts recommend for children up to age seven as the best way to nurture kids’ development and ready them for academic success later in life. Decades of research have demonstrated that their innate curiosity leads them to develop their social, emotional and physical skills independently, through exploration—that is, through play.

Angelina, all of my education, experience, and instincts combined, lead me to believe that all your little girl needs and what she will most benefit from right now, is your loving care and attention, and the opportunity to play freely (you might give her a ball or a doll, read her a book, or take her to the park)  “mucking about” to her heart’s content. It so happens that Janet Lansbury published a post yesterday that I can’t recommend highly enough, which also addresses your question. Janet shares 10 Secrets To Raising Less Stressed Kids, and gives lots of great ideas for what to do instead of “teaching” through structured activities. She also offers a great resource list for learning more.

I will continue to write here, and post links on Facebook that I hope will  inspire you to enjoy your daughter, and create an environment that will allow her to flourish through play. If you want to read even more, check out any of the books listed below, which were recommended in the Scientific American article, and happen to be ones I also regularly recommend:

Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn—And Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff and Diane Eyer. Rodale Books, 2003.

The Philosophical Baby: What Children’s Minds Tell Us about Truth, Love,and the Meaning of Life. Alison Gopnik. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2009.

Mind in the Making. Ellen Galinsky. Harper Paperbacks, 2010.

 

Wishing you and your little girl many happy (unstructured),  playful days together!

 

 

Wordless Wednesday – Is this good for babies?

 

 

For your consideration and discussion:

 


“We are conducting the world’s greatest experiment in real time on our children,’’ said Liz Perle, editor in chief at Common Sense Media, a San Francisco nonprofit group that helps parents manage media and technology.

Falling- A Lesson In Friendship, Forgiveness, and Moving On

He isn’t a baby anymore. He’s growing in leaps and bounds, and scaling new heights every day, in every way. As his world grows larger and he begins to play with other children besides his sister (who has been the world to him up to now), both the physical and the emotional challenges he faces are bigger. At the park last week, J. worked and worked, and was finally able to scrabble up the “big” rock. He sat at the top, next to B. (a little boy we know from our neighborhood, who at almost four years old, is about a year and a half older than J.).

B.’s Mom and I were standing nearby, chatting. Suddenly J. was falling, and he landed face down on the ground next to the rock. I quickly moved in close, and J. lifted his arms to indicate he wanted me to pick him up, while emitting a heartrending sob. I held him close, and gently rubbed his back. I could feel his chest heaving against mine. I wanted to take a look and make sure he wasn’t bleeding anywhere, but he was clinging to me tightly. In between sobs, he choked out these words – “B.  p…p…p…pushed m…m…me!” I could hear the shock and bewilderment in his voice. I understood that while the fall may have hurt, the fact that he had been pushed by a friend hurt more.

In that moment, I felt my stomach clench, and a flash of anger ran through me like a current. My thoughts went something like this: “Why???would B. push J.? How could he? J. is one of the most gentle children I know. He was just sitting there! B. is older- he should know better. How would he like it if someone (like me) pushed him off the rock?” (I know, I know- I’m supposed to be a professional. I’m supposed to know and understand that these things happen, that  it’s all part of  life and learning, and that  both children are in need of compassion. And I do know it, and I practice it.)  But in that moment, it was my J. that was hurt and sobbing because another child had intentionally (and stealthily) pushed him.This was the first time something like this had happened to J. in the two and a half years I’d been caring for him. Somehow, in my heart and mind the fall was worse because someone else had purposely caused him to lose his balance. I felt protective- a little like a Mama Bear maybe- “Don’t  even think about hurting my baby or I’ll hurt you!” But it turned out J. didn’t need my protection, as evidenced by what happened next.

Climbing
B.’s Mom had heard what J. had said, as had B., who had made a quick exit from the scene. As I continued to comfort J., B’s Mom brought him back over to where we were, and asked him if he had pushed J. She was clearly upset and flustered. She was both apologizing to me and telling B. he had to apologize to J. B., meanwhile, wouldn’t look at her, and was trying to squirm away. I was still holding J., who indicated he wanted to get down. Still hiccuping, he walked right up to B., looked him in the eye, and very clearly said, “B. don’t push me! I not like it! You not push me again!” B.’s Mom insisted B. had to apologize to J., and B. offered a halfhearted, “I’m sorry,”  but J. had said what he had to say, and he wasn’t holding any grudges. He was ready to go back to playing. “Come on B.! Want to climb the rock?” Fifteen minutes later, when it was time for us to leave the park, J. was happily waving and calling, “Goodbye B.! Bye, bye! We see you soon.” I spent the last fifteen minutes at the park reassuring B.’s Mom, who was distraught that this “problem with pushing was coming up again.”

I stood humbled and in awe of J., who, at two and a half years old, demonstrated an ability to clearly express his feelings and boundaries, while navigating a difficult situation with grace and forgiveness, which is something I sometimes still struggle to manage to do easily. Young he is, vulnerable he may be, and certainly he needed the comfort of my arms, and my  listening ear when he had been hurt, but how amazing to realize his ability to negotiate a friendship on his own terms. I wonder why it’s so hard for us “grown-ups” to do the same?

Is it hard or easy for you to let your child take new physical or emotional risks? What feelings come up for you when your child is hurt? Are the feelings the same or different when the hurt is caused by someone else’s actions?  How much do you think adults should intervene in children’s interactions or conflicts?

Stop! 5 Easy Steps To Effective Limit Setting With Toddlers

Structure, expectations, predictability- all add up to responsibly raising and loving our children. The freedom we all feel deep within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in the scheme of things.” Magda Gerber

From my mailbox:

“I am 23 years old and have a 3 year old daughter and a 3 month old son. I just recently began researching alternatives to corporal punishment and have come across so much information I am having a hard time sticking with one particular style. I’m trying to pick and choose what I feel is right but it seems that everything I have tried with my little girl isn’t doing much so I revert back to yelling and spanking and threatening corner time. It really really hurts me to treat her that way but that is how I was raised and I am having such a hard time breaking the cycle. Her most used lines are “I don’t want to.” “NO!” “I said NO!”  Where do we begin?”

“I don’t know what to do when my son does something  to hurt his little sister, like hitting, kicking, or grabbing a toy from her. When I see my son act like this, I feel angry at him, and protective towards the baby. I want him to learn to be kind and gentle with his sister, and I don’t understand where this behavior comes from. We are always gentle with him.”

“I’m a single Mom, and sometimes, my daughter just wears me out. I feel like I’m saying the same things again and again, and she just doesn’t hear or listen. After the tenth  time of saying “No!” or asking her to do something, sometimes I just lose it and yell at her, especially at the end of a long day, when I’m tired too.”

“Mornings are the worst for me. It’s always such a busy time. I’m trying to get all of us dressed, fed, and out the door on time, with everything we need for the day, and that’s always the time my youngest chooses to have a meltdown, or cling to my leg. I try to stay calm, but it’s hard. He will be throwing his breakfast on the floor, refusing to get dressed, or chasing the poor dog and pulling her tail, and I just don’t feel like I have the time to deal with it calmly.”

“How do I deal with it when my daughter screams at the top of her lungs, no matter what I say or do?”

“My son is 18 months old and he loves to throw balls and play catch. The problem is he throws everything, and often at someone, and sometimes hurts them! How do I teach him (or can I, at his age)  what’s appropriate to throw, and where?”

“I have trouble getting my son to look me in the eye  when he’s bitten me or his father. And I’m speaking about when he bites for sport / play, not when he’s tired, overstimulated, etc. Traditionally, when he’s bitten us, I simply and neutrally state “No biting” or “I don’t want you to bite” and then move on so I don’t fuel the fire with attention. But over the past few months, this has stopped working. So, I’ve instead started kneeling at his level and tellling him gently that I don’t want him to bite me. It’s at these times that he’s squirmy, looks away, and deliberately avoids eye contact. Any ideas? Or is this the wrong technique? He’s 23 months, by the way.”

Stop Sign

Does any of the above sound familiar? All of the toddlers in these examples are acting in completely normal and age appropriate ways, but their behavior can sometimes be perplexing and exasperating to the adults who love them, and it can be hard for parents  to know how to respond. We want to help young children to learn to behave in socially positive ways. Young  children need to trust we will respond with kindness, and  help them to understand the limits and learn what behavior is expected and accepted. Recent research indicates that if we react with harshness, young children can’t learn anything at all. Young children feel safe and secure, and can cooperate more easily when adults  calmly set clear, consistent and firm limits, when the “rules” don’t change, and when they are told what they can do instead of just hearing “No!”

Here are five easy steps to help you effectively (and calmly) set  limits with your toddler:

1) Begin with empathy and  trust.  Assume your toddler is doing the best she can do in any given situation, and is not just  trying to drive you crazy. Trust this: with your gentle guidance and some time, he can and will  learn to act in more positive ways.

2) Next, observe or notice what is happening, and simply narrate or state what you see or hear.

“You hit your sister, and she is crying.” “You are throwing  the sand.”  “You are throwing your food.” “You are screaming.”  “You are throwing your blocks.” “Ouch, you are biting me!”

3) Briefly explain why you want the behavior to stop.

“It hurts your sister when you hit her.” If you throw the sand it might get into someone’s eyes, and that hurts.”  “Food is for eating. It makes a big mess when you throw your food, and I don’t like it.” “It hurts my ears when you scream,” or “I can’t understand you when you scream.” ” Blocks are hard and it might hurt someone if you throw blocks at them.” “Biting hurts.”  Notice two things: Most of the time, you want or need to set a limit when your child’s actions might harm them or someone else. Also, it is perfectly acceptable to ask your child not to do something because you don’t like it- your feelings and needs matter. So if you find yourself getting upset because your child is making a big mess that you will have to clean up,  or you just can’t  bear to listen to another moment of screaming,  say so! Sometimes just drawing attention to the behavior and the reason it is inappropriate is enough to stop the unwanted behavior (at least in the moment).

4) Set the limit, while demonstrating the desired behavior or offering an alternative, if possible.

“I won’t let you hit your sister. Please touch her gently.” ( Say this while stroking both children gently.) “If you want to hit, you can hit this doll (or the floor, or these pillows).” “Please keep the sand low in the sandbox” ( demonstrate). ” If you can’t remember to keep the sand low, I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox.” When you throw your food, that tells me that you’re done eating. If you still want to eat, please keep your food on the table or I will put it away (or ask you to get down).”  “Please don’t scream. I want to understand, and I can’t when you’re screaming. Can you show me (or, tell me  using your regular voice) what you want?”  or “If you want to scream, I will ask you to go in the other room (or outside).”  “If you want to throw something (or play catch) let’s go find a ball. Balls are for throwing. If you keep throwing the blocks I will put them away for today.”  “No biting!” ( Say this firmly, while putting your child down.)  I will move away if you are going to bite me. If you want to bite, you may bite this teether.”

5) Follow through with the limits each and every time (consistency). This is very important.

When you set a limit your child may resist, or express some angry or sad feelings. This is perfectly natural, and fine. Accept, name and acknowledge your child’s feelings, but calmly hold firm to the limit. Your child is entitled to express and have her feelings heard, but that doesn’t mean you have to meet her anger with anger, agree with her, or give in to him.

Help your child if necessary. Stay nearby and supervise closely if your child is prone to hitting his sister. “You are having a hard time remembering to keep the sand low in the box, so I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox now. Can you do it yourself, or would you like some help?” “You are still throwing your food. I’m going to put it away now.” (You can also hand your toddler a cloth and ask her to help you clean up the  food that was dropped.) “You are still screaming. I’m going to ask you to go get all your screams out in the next room,” or “I can’t help you when you’re screaming.” “I’m going to put these hard toys away, and you can play with these balls and stuffed animals.” (In some cases, it may be necessary or helpful to make changes in your environment or routine that will make it easier for your child to remember and cooperate with the limits. For instance, it may be helpful to put away hard toys for awhile if your child is intent on throwing everything. Maybe providing a gated, safe play area for the baby will protect her from her brother when you can’t be right there to intervene. Maybe changes in the morning routine are needed to make it a less rushed, stressful time, or you can put aside some  special toys that come out just in the morning for your toddler to play with.)

Remember, the attitude with which you approach your child and the tone of voice  you use when setting a limit matters just as much as what you say. The goal is not to punish, but to teach. Children learn just as much (or more) from what we do, as they do from what we say. Magda Gerber always said, “What you teach is yourself.”  What do you think she meant by that?

The Secret To Turning A Toddler’s “No!” Into A “Yes!”

 Toddlers may not be able to say many words, but they can sure let us know how they feel about all those people who keep telling them what to do. “No!” “Not now! “Go Away!”  (From 1, 2, 3…. The Toddler Years: A Practical Guide for Parents & Caregivers) 

The Central Coast  Early Care and Education Conference took place this past Saturday at Cabrillo College in Aptos. I was particularly excited to attend a workshop given by Sandy Davie, Nora Caruso, and Sharon Dowe of  the Santa Cruz Toddler Center. The Toddler Center was founded as a non-profit in 1976, by two working women who were concerned about the lack of quality care for very young children. The first of its kind in the Western States, the center’s  philosophy and practice is based on Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) , the program founded by infant specialist Magda Gerber.

It is always inspiring and uplifting to listen to and learn from others who are involved in and passionate about ideas and work similar to my own. One of the things I most miss about working in a childcare  center is the collaboration with, and support of colleagues. It can sometimes be a little bit lonely and a little bit hard to be the sole adult at home caring for a toddler (and his sister) even though I have chosen this work and love doing it. ( My role as a nanny gives me great compassion and insight into the challenges parents face – especially stay at home Moms or Dads.)

Little did I know I was to have the opportunity to participate in an exercise that would serve as a powerful reminder of the importance of slowing down, and including the child I’m caring for in whatever is happening. Another workshop participant and I were asked to imagine we were one year old children playing happily together. (We were given a pad of post it notes as our toy.) All of a sudden, as I was happily crumpling the paper, and experimenting with the sticky strip, one of my “teachers” approached me from behind, and without any warning, tried to put my jacket on. She was talking to me loudly about hurrying up to get ready to go outside. I resisted her by turning away, and refusing to put my arms in the jacket. I glared at her, and told her “No”, but she insisted, saying I would be cold if I didn’t put my jacket on, and telling me she didn’t understand why I was being so difficult. I could tell she was frustrated with my resistance, but her frustration only fueled my fire. Then we stopped the role play and processed what had just happened. I can’t tell you how irritated I felt. I actually didn’t hear much of what my “teacher” was saying to me, so intent was I at fending off her unwanted ministrations. All of her talking just sounded like noise to me. The whole experience felt a little like having a mosquito buzz in your ear while you are trying to sleep.

DSC_4068

Next, the exercise was repeated, but the “teacher” moved more slowly, came to me and made eye contact, and let me know that in a few minutes it would be time to get ready to go outside to play. I wasn’t surprised when she returned a few minutes later and told me it was time to put away my toy and get ready to go outside. She explained  it was cold outside, and she thought I’d be more comfortable if I wore my jacket. She gave me the choice of getting the jacket from my cubby by myself, or going with her and doing it together. She asked me if she could help me put my jacket on, before continuing.  This time, I understood what was happening, and what she was requesting, and it was easier for me to cooperate with her. But something unexpected happened. When my “teacher” went to zip my coat, I suddenly had a strong urge to resist. I wanted to do it myself! I stepped back, and pulled the zipper from her hands. She understood, and acknowledged, “You want to try to zip your jacket by yourself.” She then  let me spend a few minutes trying to zip the jacket before asking if she could help me by starting the zipper for me. What a different feeling I had inside this time!

Fast forward to today. It started raining  just as J. and I were about to walk out the door to pick up his sister from school. We were running a few minutes behind due to the fact that he had slept a little later than usual, but since we were walking, I had to stop to get his rain jacket. I was feeling a little rushed, and was grateful when J. happily cooperated with putting his jacket on. But, as I reached to zip the jacket, he stepped back and said “No Lisa, I do it myself.” My first impulse was to tell him we didn’t have time, and I would do it for him, and he could do it next time, but suddenly I just stopped, took a breath and said “OK, you try.”

In the moment J. stepped back, I had a flashback to Saturday, and I literally felt, in my own body, J.’s absolute need to try to do the zipper himself . I waited quietly while he tried once, twice, three times. He narrated, “I can do it.” “Hey almost.” “It goes here,” as he tried to fit the two pieces of the zipper together. It felt like a long time to me, but it was actually only two minutes. When he looked up at me, I gently asked, “How about if I start it for you, and you can finish zipping it?” He nodded, and so I bent down, and fitted the two pieces together, and he zipped the jacket easily. He broke into a huge grin, and he pulled himself up tall. The message was clear- he felt satisfied and proud of himself. He took my hand and we set off for school together.

Have you guessed the secret to turning a toddler’s “No!”  into a “Yes!” yet? My willingness to step back and wait for J. to try to zip his own jacket most likely avoided a power struggle between us. So many times, my ability to just let go, and wait a minute (or not) determines whether or not a struggle will ensue. I admire  J.’s strong spirit, his fierce independence, and his desire to try things for himself. And the experience I had on Saturday reminded me of just how important it is  for me to slow down, and  give him the time and the respect of allowing him to participate fully in whatever we’re doing together, as often as possible.