What a 4 Month Old Baby Knows

Here’s what you need to know and understand about babies, even very young babies. They are competent, alert, paying attention, and learning all the time. Don’t ever doubt it.

Experts used to believe (and some still do) that an infant peacefully lying awake in his crib couldn’t possibly be ‘doing’ anything, or at least not anything worthwhile. One influential author even believes that babies “should not be put down at all” and that “babies placed in cots live in a state of longing…” These subjective assumptions and projections are not only untrue, they grossly underestimate the infant mind and are, quite honestly, a little egocentric on the part of the adult. Babies are only capable of being followers, never initiators? They have no mind or will of their own? They can’t take an interest in life unless they are in the arms of an adult? Janet Lansbury, The Secrets of Infant Learning 

 

A short story to illustrate: R. is just a bit older than four months. We visited the pediatrician on Monday, and I told him that in reviewing her medical records, I had noticed that he had recommended she start taking a daily dose of Vitamin D drops back in September, yet her previous foster parents hadn’t mentioned this to me, nor had they provided me with drops. I was wondering if maybe they had been discontinued for some reason.

The pediatrician confirmed that he had recommended the drops, and she should be taking them every day, so I purchased them. On day one, R. eagerly accepted the drops, sucking them down without a problem, although she slightly furrowed her brow at the taste. Of course, I explained to her that these were her vitamins, and she needed them to grow healthy and strong, and I understood that they didn’t taste as good as her milk.

On day two, three, and four, she cooperated with taking the drops, although a little less readily, and again with a furrowed brow, and a bit of a grimace at the taste. I am trying to establish a consistent rhythm and routine with her, so I always give her the drops at about the same time of day, after a diaper change, and before her bottle.

Today (day 5), as soon as she saw the dropper, and heard me say, “It’s time for your vitamins,” she tightly clamped her lips shut! She knew what was coming, and her message was clear. “I don’t like these vitamins, and I’m not interested in participating in taking them.” I stayed calm, and explained that she needed her vitamins, and asked for her cooperation. She resisted. She pushed my hand away. She spit the vitamins, no matter how slowly I dispensed them from the syringe. She cried, and kicked her feet. She pouted, and made raspberries, but not the ones she makes when she’s playing and happy. These were more like “PFFFT…. This is yukky, and I don’t like it!”

At four and a half months old, R. clearly knows what she likes and wants, and what she doesn’t. She clearly understood what was coming when she saw the medicine dropper today, and she let me know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t interested in participating. She is clear and strong willed, which delights me to no end. I believe these traits will serve her well in life, and I admire her spunk.

As much as possible, I want to honor R.’s preferences. But vitamin drops are not negotiable. So, even though she protests, I will continue to give them to her in as respectful  a way as possible, asking for her participation and cooperation, acknowledging her feelings, and letting her know that I hear her, and understand that she doesn’t like them. I will also search for a brand that meets my standards for quality, but might be a bit more palatable to her, and hopefully she will learn to appreciate that while they don’t taste great, taking her vitamins is important, and I’m not needlessly torturing her!

Do you have a story to share that illustrates a young baby’s incredible learning ability and competence? I’d love to hear it.

 

 

If Attachment Parenting Isn’t Working, Try This…

Note: On November 19, 2012, I shared a link on my Facebook page, which resulted in a rich conversation exploring  Attachment Parenting and other alternatives (specifically, the RIE Approach developed by Magda Gerber) that parents and caregivers might choose to care for their babies and young children. Four days later, the original post continued to generate interest and comments, with over 1,781 views, 596 engaged users, 83 comments, 42 likes, and 3 shares. Obviously, this post has tapped into something deeply important to many, which is why I felt it would be worthwhile to transcribe it here.

Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby: There’s more than one good way to nurture a baby. I’m sure this is going to be controversial, but please read with an open mind. This is one mother’s story about her experience with attachment parenting, and what led her to seek an alternative that worked better for her and her family.

“Not only had attachment parenting led me down a path to crazed sleep deprivation and chronic back pain, but I spent most of those first two years feeling guilty about my failures as a mother. After all, AP babies enjoy better behavior, development, and learning skills – but what happens when Attachment Parenting methods are a disaster?” Why We Ditched Attachment Parenting – Emily,of  Holistic Squid

 

“I know that many folks love attachment parenting, but co-sleeping and babywearing did NOT work for us. I think it’s important that new parents aren’t bullied into thinking AP is the only way to parent.”  Emily, Holistic Squid
Clare Caro: It’s such a shame that people think of ‘Attachment’ as babywearing and co-sleeping. Look at all the children from Dr. Pikler’s orphanage in Budapest, not a single sling or bed shared and ALL attached. I’ll put my neck out on the line here and say that the children from Loczy were more attached than a child in a typical ‘AP’ family.
Pennie Brownlee: My experience also.

Sydney Steiner: There is a difference between AP and Bowlby’s Attachment theory Clare. People get confused about that I think, and I agree with you. I also agree with this article and have written a similar post about this. I have an “attached” baby who falls asleep on his own and who is rarely carried around. He also has a mother who is happy, well-rested, and not in constant back pain.

Ronda Nelson: Really, CIO (Cry It Out)? No need to read any further.

Lisa Sunbury: Ronda, If you don’t read, how can you understand- or judge?

Jessica Jarrett: Ronda Nelson, you should not judge as you were not there and do not know what it was like to be there and what CIO meant to them.

Clare Caro: I wonder, is for one person to leave another to ‘cry it out’ respectful behavior?

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, What do you think?

Jessica Jarrett: Our daughter would have none of it. She hated being worn and won’t sleep with us. She self-weaned the day before her 1st birthday. At first, I felt bad about it all but to be honest I don’t mind one bit now that I am not in the middle of the situation anymore (hindsight is amazing). We did what our baby wanted.

When our darling daughter was 6 months we had to let her cry for 29 minutes one time to get her to sleep on her own (We had a 30-minute window of crying until we would go get her.) and since then she has been wonderful at bedtime and she is now 14 months. I desperately did not want to do it but there was no choice in my mind. Up to that point, we would swaddle her and walk around for 1.5 hours in the dark while bobbing up and down and she would thrash around and it just kept getting harder and harder (almost dropped her and decided no more!). I dreaded bedtime every night and did not think that is how it was supposed to be…I wanted to love my child, not be scared of her.

We are always there for her and support her in every way so I think that we are doing our own version of AP.

Catherine Courtemanche Van Arnam: Lisa, this is great! Sometimes speaking the truth requires bravery, you continue to be a respectful, kind, and thoughtful kind of brave.

Lisa Sunbury: Catherine, Thank you…Sometimes I don’t know if it’s brave, or just crazy, but I’m committed to thoughtfully and honestly exploring and honoring all points of view…

Morgan Hyde Nahanee: Just another example of why it’s so important to do what’s best for you and your family not simply ‘follow’ one school of parenting ideals. I firmly believe we can connect with our children in so many ways. It’s hard for me to imagine only following someone else’ s path trying to get to that point.

Sydney Steiner: Love, Respect, and Disagreement: “I don’t have to agree with you to love and respect you. This is a phrase that I have been pondering lately. I find that it applies to two areas in my motherhood, my relationship to children and especially my relationship with other parents, caregivers, and friends.”

Lindsay Hennings: I have 2 children and we are AP parents in that we don’t CIO (Cry It Out). My first was easy. Rarely cried and slept through the night on his own. I didn’t do anything. He was just easygoing. The second baby is a different story. It didn’t matter what I did. At 20 months he still isn’t a good sleeper. He weaned at 6 months so his sleep issues aren’t from waking to nurse constantly. So I really think it depends on the child. Some are easygoing and others not so much. Some are great sleepers, others not so much.

(Note: The next two comments are mine, and were made in response to someone who commented, and then withdrew her comments and left the conversation.)

Renae, I had a very different read on this article. I don’t think the mother is blaming anyone or anything for her “guilt issues.” She was a new mother trying to find a gentle way of parenting, she chose attachment parenting and it didn’t work for her, so she made some modifications. Her tone throughout is respectful and honors both the positives and negatives of the experience she had. I shared because many, many parents understand attachment parenting to be and require exactly what this mother did, and they end up exhausted and feeling like failures because it’s not working for them. If you look at AP support boards the only answer ever given to a mother like this one is “Keep doing what you are doing. It will get better.” Not much comfort for a mother who is in pain, sleep-deprived, and losing her mind. I believe people need to have real help and know that there are other options when what they’re doing isn’t working. I don’t believe parents need to sacrifice their health and sanity in the name of attachment parenting or any other kind of parenting. This doesn’t help babies or parents.

Renae, I’m not big on labels either, but the reality is we have them, and there are some very marked differences in the different approaches to parenting. I liked this article for the exact reason you state. The woman doesn’t claim to be an expert, nor is she giving parenting advice- she’s simply sharing her experience and what worked and didn’t work for her. Everyone is free to take it or leave it, and decide how it might or might not apply to themselves and their own children. I think the only way any of us learns is through reading and listening to another’s experiences and then integrating what we’ve heard/read with our own experience, and doing what feels best/works best for our own situations. It’s all a learning process.

Laura Clout: She does say however that attachment parents treat all proponents of other parenting methods with unabashed scorn. Not in my experience!

Lisa Sunbury: Laura, Some do, some don’t- this was one person’s impression/experience.

Clare Caro: Laura, it’s written to be an exciting read, there is a lot of angry language in there that is bound to upset every AP parent on the range from ‘follow the book’ to ‘half pie’… it’s what makes it so exciting!

Clare Caro: Lisa, I think that there is no respect for the relationship in ‘CIO’ (Cry It Out), not one bean. I also think that parents are so clueless (to use the word Holistic Squid used) that they have no other option than to look for a book by which to parent. This story is about how a couple began with the Sears book and switched to the Ford book. Simple as that. In the meantime they remain just as clueless in my opinion because they forgot to ‘read’ their baby – they forgot to have a relationship with their baby, to tune in, to find the instincts in their mammalian brain. Here is what Dr. Emmi Pikler (the ambassador for respectful relationships with our babies) has to say on crying: Pikler, Emmi – Crying

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Thank you SO much for sharing Emmi Pikler’s wise words here. As you may know, I am very familiar with (and a proponent of) both Pikler’s and Gerber’s teachings regarding babies and crying (and baby care, in general)!  But honestly, there are problems with the term CIO (Cry It Out)  and I don’t believe ANYONE is born knowing how to be a good or respectful parent. Most of us haven’t had good models. Learning to parent or care for babies well is “on-the-job training”, which is why people have so many questions and resort to books, the internet, friends, etc. when faced with questions or concerns. There is no doubt in my mind that these resources and conversations HELP families. (Even you reference a book resource to make your point clear.) I don’t fault anyone who reads, who asks questions, who tries and maybe fails and comes back to read some more, try a different way, etc. It’s all learning. Instincts alone are not enough to guide us, but I DO believe (and appreciate your point) that tuning into babies and listening to their cues is crucial and can go a long way towards making things easier for both baby and parent. BUT, this is still such a foreign concept to so many. How do you read a baby? How do you develop a relationship with a baby? These are questions many parents don’t consider or have an answer to, which, again, is why I believe it is so important for us to listen to each other, to converse, to share resources, to keep talking, and talking with each other, and listening, and listening, and listening to each other, and learning, and learning, and learning from each other.

Pennie Brownlee: Might want to ponder on empathy – reading with the Heart (in conjunction with the head and the book/s of your choice). Dr. Bruce Perry in “Why Empathy is Essential – and Endangered.” “Humankind would not have endured and cannot continue without the capacity to form rewarding, nurturing enduring relationship. We survive because we can love. And we love because we can empathize – that is, stand in another’s shoes and care about what it feels like to be there.” Which is a scientist and researcher’s way of telling it. Dr. Emmi Pikler put it thus: “What is important is that we learn what is essential. What is essential is to observe! [Her emphasis.] Get to know your child. If you really recognize what your child needs, if you feel what is causing him grief, feel what she needs, then you will respond in the right way. You will guide and bring up your child well.”

Lisa Sunbury: Yes, Pennie, a good suggestion. I’ve certainly benefited from “reading with the heart” and from considering the important role empathy plays in all relationships.

Clare Caro: It seems that, while we can get information and learn from books, we won’t actually get what is needed from a book – such as empathy. Yes, we must read and talk and learn together to get skilled up for the job BUT THEN take that knowledge and focus on the relationship, and honor the adult-infant unit. Empathy is a key ingredient to being able to do this. Another would have to be keen observation skills because you really do literally have to READ your baby, their cues, and gestures. In my opinion, the danger lies in using the ‘book’ to dictate your part of the relationship with your child – which is what has happened in the Holistic Squids story, in their case two books. And it’s so obvious that attachment and empathy never entered the equation because in a relationship where these things are present – when in a respectful, empathetic relationship you would not leave your best friend to cry it out. I am aware that stress-release crying is a part of many babies’ lives (particularly in the West), but to ‘teach’ them, how can this be a part of a respectful relationship? This is why I brought up Pikler’s words on crying. I am aware that you are familiar with the Pikler/Gerber teachings, and studied with Gerber for several years. I hope that in the passing down of information Pikler’s wisdom on crying, it has not ended up warping into saying that CIO is okay in any size or case, or indeed promoting it in any way.

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Absolutely not. But again, I think you are being much too harsh and judgmental. This mother CLEARLY cares about her children and is trying to tune in and care sensitively for them, and she used books to inform her and make positive changes for herself and her children when she was exhausted, and in pain, and what she was doing wasn’t working for her or for her child. Beware of judging until you’ve walked a mile in another person’s shoes. Regarding crying… if we are responding to an individual within the context of a relationship, the response changes depending on a whole host of factors, including why the crying is occurring, and what is needed and necessary in the moment…One can feel and express empathy for another person, and still allow them to cry, if that’s what they need to do. Parents can’t (nor should they try to) stop crying all the time.

Pikler and Gerber both wrote and taught extensively about struggle in the context of growing and learning, and about the importance of observing closely to know when and if and how to intervene. That’s another piece of this whole discussion we haven’t touched on. Within the context of a caring relationship, there are times when the other might be struggling, and we can’t take that away from them – they’ve got to go through their own process, and the most we can do is stand by and be there with them in it. Pikler (and Gerber) said, “Observe, come to know the child, and you will know how to respond…” To me, this mother was observing that her child needed to learn to sleep, and what she was doing wasn’t helping either of them, so she had to stop doing what she was doing, which was interfering with her child’s sleep and ability to get to sleep.

Clare Caro: Mmm yes, perhaps I am judging too harshly, even reading between the lines of overly dramatic language you can tell she was having a tough time (yes, I do empathize with her). But then to advocate Gina Ford, who is pretty much the polar opposite of Pikler… wowsers. I totally agree (being a Piklerian ideas person) that crying is a whole other subject, I don’t put crying and CIO in the same basket personally… and the reason why (now risking sounding like a broken record) is because they are divided by ‘respect’. Still, interesting discussion.

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Yes, when we begin with respect and developing the relationship as the core, that value informs all of the choices we make in terms of practice. Again- Pikler and Gerber’s unique contribution to the parenting discussion. One of the difficulties with “explaining” RIE, is that it is NOT often prescriptive. It’s an underlying philosophy that informs all of the choices we make as parents or caregivers, and Magda advocated for” Respect for all”. Magda Gerber said very little about babywearing or co-sleeping, for instance. If pushed she’d share her personal preferences, but most often she’d turn the question back to the person asking and ask them to find their own answer through listening equally to themselves and to their baby. She often said (for instance), “The question is not whether you use the highchair or don’t use the highchair. It’s more important to make a conscious choice and know WHY you use the highchair and make a choice that is the best one for YOU and your baby.”

Sian Hannagan: I guess you could call me an attachment parent though I abhor labels and everyone sits outside of a box as much as they sit within it.

The only parenting practices I abhor are the ones that have been shown to actively damage children such as circumcision, crying it out, spanking, no breastmilk whatsoever, shaming, and emotional neglect.

Anything else from babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding duration, weaning choices, discipline choices (outside of the above), movement choices, etc etc are all horses for courses.

As you were.

Lisa Sunbury: Sian, I hear you and I’m with you- mostly. Re: “No breast milk whatsoever” this is NOT something that has been shown to be definitively harmful to babies, and some families literally do NOT have another choice. Re: CIO (Cry It Out), that’s a sticky wicket. It depends on many factors and the definition you are using, which is why I so intensely dislike the term. A child (of any age) who is left to cry for long periods of time without any comfort or support will most certainly be harmed. An infant needs to be responded to immediately when s/he cries. A one-year-old who has had consistent, loving, responsive parenting, and who is left to cry for a short period of time in the interest of learning to fall asleep on his/her own- to me, this is another matter entirely. The research indicates that there are no long-lasting, harmful effects, and indeed, the benefits to the child and the family may far outweigh the short-term discomfort and unhappiness of the baby.

Sleep is a learned behavior. Of course, a child is going to cry and protest (and has every right to) when they have been used to being rocked and nursed to sleep, and back to sleep, and when a parent chooses to make a change from co-sleeping to alternative sleeping arrangements. Of course a child deserves comfort and support in a situation like this, but the reality is, it is hard to unlearn and undo habits that have been learned, and some crying IS going to be a part of it. I always counsel parents to make these changes as slowly as possible and to gradually lessen their involvement in the baby’s sleep routine, but even then, it often means a period of time of listening to a child cry, while the child figures out how to put themselves to sleep…

Sian Hannagan: Lisa, I am referring to the first few days of colostrum and breastmilk. The results on denying an infant this IS definitive and is associated with SIDS, necrotizing enterocolitis, gastro issues, diarrhea, gut disturbances, reflux, and a whole host of other things. No ifs, no buts, no maybes. From then on inwards it’s a sliding scale relating to maternal choice and infant needs.

And the idea that a baby MUST cry to learn to sleep is not really addressing the issue accurately. There are other methods that can be used to encourage sleep very effectively that won’t cause stress in an infant.

Lisa Sunbury: Sian, Thanks for clarifying! It’s encouraging to me that at many maternity hospitals, mothers ARE encouraged to breastfeed at least once or twice in the first days, if at all possible. Obviously, this is preferable, but I still don’t think a child is doomed, if for some reason this can’t/doesdon’t happen. And again, I don’t think babies MUST cry in order to learn to sleep but depending on the circumstances, and what has gone before, some do, and some will and some must, and again, I don’t see this as necessarily harmful, or on par with spanking a child. There’s this concept of struggle that comes with mastery that enters the conversation. Struggle is a natural and necessary part of life, and learning, and may cause some stress in the short term, but it’s not entirely avoidable, nor is it necessarily something to be avoided at all costs. There are ways for adults to support and allow even the youngest of babies to participate in their own process and learning, without adults taking over for them. A parent isn’t necessarily practicing a damaging form of parenting by allowing their one-year-old child to struggle or cry for a short period of time in the process of sleep learning. I really like and recommend the posts Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare™ has written about sleep, and the guest posts written by Eileen Henry that address many of these questions regarding sleep learning and crying. Again, just another point of view. Here’s just one: Helping Babies Sleep (With Empathy And Compassion) Guest Post by Eileen Henry

Family Focus Movement: Here is a direct quote from Dr. Sears. Dr. Sears: “This is why we came up with the 7 Baby B’s [you can find these on Dr. Sears’ website]. They are tools, not rules. You take as many tools as you can with the resources you have. I can’t breastfeed but I can wear my baby more or I can respond to my baby more. I wasn’t breastfed. I was bottle-fed. I turned out okay. Also with our adopted baby, she was the first formula-fed baby but it didn’t agree with her so we had donor milk. This is an option for today’s mom. There are many ways of meeting your babies’ needs.”

Lisa Sunbury: Family Focus Movement, I appreciate your comment… Yes, Dr. Sears presents his ideas as “tools not rules”. The problem, as I see it, is that often the suggestions are interpreted as “rules”, and sometimes taken to an extreme, and parents feel like they are failing if they can’t continue to provide what Dr. Sears suggests after the first months. What might be a helpful and appropriate response for an infant, may not be for an 8 or 9-month-old baby. Nowhere in Dr. Sears’ writings can I find ANYTHING about including the baby in the equation, in the sense of respecting that babies come with some basic strengths, and the ability to self-regulate, if given the right conditions and support. Babies are learning every minute. This is what I appreciate about Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy. She believes (as do I) that parenting well is a mutually adaptive process, and there is room for both the baby’s needs to be met, as well as the parents’ needs to be met. Babies have the ability to participate in their own process from the very beginning. They are not completely helpless, needy, dependent creatures, who need parents to perform superhuman acts in order to soothe them…

Family Focus Movement: I believe you also need to take a look at what Maria Montessori wrote in regards to what a child needs.

Lisa Sunbury: I have, thanks! And many of her ideas resonate and overlap with Pikler’s and Gerber’s – although Montessori worked with/focused primarily on children aged three and up, and Pikler and Gerber were/are unique in their focus on, and contribution to the understanding of caring for infants and toddlers…

Family Focus Movement: Actually, Montessori’s education philosophy applied to children starting from birth.

Lisa Sunbury: I do understand this. But Montessori primarily worked with/observed children aged 3-6, and developed her approach with children of this age. I’m no expert on Montessori, but I’ve read and studied her books, and did an internship at a Montessori preschool. Pikler, on the other hand, started with babies and toddlers, and that was her primary focus for all of her life. RIE Associate Deborah Greenwald wrote a thesis comparing and contrasting the two philosophies and methodologies when she was a graduate student at Pacific Oaks College. Again, there are areas of overlap, and some similar themes ( the importance of observation, respect for the child, creating an environment that allows the child to succeed, etc.) and the two inform and complement each other, but there are some differences as well. When were talking about babies and toddlers, nothing compares to, or beats Pikler and Gerber’s contributions in my mind.

Sarah Gremillion Brown: I guess I’m more of an AP than most of my friends, with encouragement from others. I agree with the blogger… 26 months after birth I have struggled with being sleep-deprived and a raging hormonal crazy not as connected to my hubby’s mother. Which is better parenting? Having a mom that feels herself and is able to have enough patience to parent a toddler or adhere to a 100% AP style? I agree, do what works for you and your family. I have learned a lesson for my next baby, whenever that may be. I will always lean toward AP, but I know how important a well-rested mommy is too.

Emma Bouzidis: Absolutely brilliant article. Resonates with everything I stand for as a parent. I firmly believe it is my responsibility to teach my children everything including the reality that they must learn to put themselves to sleep. We followed a similar sleeping routine and my lil man slept through at 7 weeks and now at 18 months will often sleep longer than 12 hours at night and has a good 2-3 hours during the day. Thank you for sharing this!

Elanne Kresser: It’s easy to idealize and be disappointed by any parenting approach. There were things I imagined my baby and parenting would be like based on having read RIE books and blogs, and I was disappointed, frustrated, wondered if I was doing it wrong, thought maybe I wasn’t as good of a mom as I’d hoped I would be, etc. I see a number of moms feeling very let down by their hopes for attachment parenting and I can understand this. I think there are many ideas within an AP approach to parenting that are admirable and have contributed to more gentle parenting. And I think when we stick to anything out of our ideals rather than responding to the reality in front of us we are setting ourselves up for hardship.

Lisa Sunbury: Elanne , Yes! THIS: ” I think when we stick to anything out of our ideals rather than responding to the reality in front of us we are setting ourselves up for hardship.” Although- I think living out of our VALUES, combined with looking at the reality in front of us while keeping an open mind, and continuing to listen and learn, can be very empowering, and can lead to finding ways to honor and respect everyone involved in a situation…

Pennie Brownlee: This is an interesting discussion. There is a proverb in this country (NZ) that translates “If you are going to bow down to a mountain, let it be a lofty mountain”. Dr. Bruce Perry MD Ph.D., James W Prescott (developmental neuropsychologist and cross-cultural psychologist would qualify as ‘lofty mountains’ in my estimation.

Pennie Brownlee: How will parents know what to do? Empathy is a good place to start, and for that, one has to tune in with the heart, literally, (in conjunction with their head and whatever book/s they are referring to). Dr. Bruce Perry writes in “Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential – and Endangered”: “Humankind would not have endured and cannot continue without the capacity to form rewarding, nurturing, and enduring relationships. We survive because we can love. And we love because we can empathize – that is stand in another’s shoes and care about what it feels like to be there.” Dr. Emmi Pikler puts it like this: ” What is important is that we learn what is essential. What is essential is to observe! [Her emphasis.] If you really recognize what your child needs, if you feel what is causing him grief, feel what she needs, then you will respond in the right way. You will guide and bring up your child well.” When the Pikler Institute was doing 24-hour residential care for babies and children (1946 – 2011) as Clare Caro stated at the start of this conversation, the staff knew how to form secure attachments with every child even within an ‘orphanage’ setting. It would be worth pondering on her advice to parents, and beneficial to see what the pillars of bonded relationships are, the ones that cannot be dispensed with.

Ayu Saja: If what I did with my daughter 19 years ago is now known as Attachment Parenting, then I can say that I am a proud mum of a successful young woman who still continually, regularly reaches out for me for reassurance either by phone calls or email (she lives 5 hours drive away from my town). But I wouldn’t want to do what I did 18 years ago with my second daughter. I don’t want to “wear” her, breastfed her too long, nor am I prepared to share my bed with her unless necessary. My second daughter, in contrast, is a very confident, agile, and independent toddler at 20 months old, to her sister who was somewhat timid and well… too attached to me for my liking…

I guess each to their own. I wouldn’t want to change the way I parented my 1st daughter, though I learned a lot from that time.

Thanks for sharing the article.

Deliberate Parenting: I think any and every parent that shares her story as a way of trying to help us other parents is brave. I often shy away from topics for fear of being misunderstood. Whether we agree or disagree we are hearing someone else’s story. This either confirms what I know to be true for my family or teaches me something new.

Hasti Kashfia: In my opinion that isn’t what AP is about. I didn’t wear my sons 24/7 and we slept just fine (except for when illness was an issue) and comparing two different kids with 2 different temperaments doesn’t even make sense?!?

Lisa Sunbury: Hasti, It’s true babies all have different temperaments, but it’s also true that what a parent does or doesn’t do helps shape a child. It’s a reciprocal cycle.

Carrie Chuff: This is interesting to me. The discussion here sort of answers my question that I was afraid to ask: is AP at odds with RIE, and vice versa? What I think matters most, personally, is paying attention to each specific child’s needs, and following your own motherly instincts. Personally, at least in my own case and in the cases of moms who are close to me, our instincts are usually pretty spot-on, once you finally get down to them, away from controversies and what you grow up thinking you’re “supposed” to do. Personally, I consider myself an enthusiastic attachment parent, using what fits our family and not worrying about fitting the label. I’ve also benefited from many RIE principles. Using both (with varying degrees) has just felt right. So far in my parenting, they have meshed nicely. Apparently, however, that is not a usual occurrence?

Jennifer Hoitsma Mallios: I agree with Carrie! I take some of both. I don’t think that AP and RIE are at odds at all – unless you really want to be labeled as one or the other. Thanks for posting the article, Lisa.

Jennifer Hoitsma Mallios: I like wearing my kids, but not to the point of severe back pain. And I don’t wear them just to wear them, even when they’re crying! The baby carrier is a useful tool, but again, not something that everyone has to use religiously.

Kate Friend: Both of my babies HATED being worn! Wonder what the AP reading of that situation would be! They wanted to explore and wiggle and definitely not be stuck with all my body heat on them. And both times I hoped and expected to wear them all the time because nothing’s sweeter than having that little one snuggled up against you and still having your hands free to drink your coffee and Tweet. (Go ahead, judge away.)

Clare Caro: You drink coffee? te he just joking.

Trish Collins: I see stories like this and I wonder why people are so averse to following their gut when it comes to parenting. I follow many AP principles, but I stopped wearing my son around 5-6 months old because he was 24 pounds and it was too heavy. I occasionally wore him after that, but I didn’t think of myself as a failure for not wearing him all the time. Wearing him had stopped working for us and I didn’t worry about it. Like the previous commenter, Hasti says, you can’t compare two different kids who have two different temperaments. Is it Dr. Sears’ job to spell out exactly when to stop doing something? Aren’t we all adults here? I think the conversation should move away from labels of parenting and instead encourage parents to follow their gut, which will likely mean a different method of parenting with different kids, even in the same families.

Penelope Wincer: An interesting discussion. I think the problem is following any particular parenting style to the letter. I’ve found both attachment parenting and RIE so helpful and apply lots of techniques from both styles and don’t find them at odds at all. In their hearts is respect for the baby. I use ideas that suit my babies and my family. I don’t co-sleep any longer but I am responsive at night. I babywear but my daughter is left to play for long periods uninterrupted. I think reading these ideas has enhanced the tools I use as a parent and has a very positive effect. But no one should follow a set of rules to the point of going against their baby’s needs! Or their own needs. I’m wary of when people say you should just follow your instincts though too – instincts are often the result of the way we were parented (good or bad) as well as the culture surrounding us. So there is no harm in challenging your instincts by doing some reading – just maybe don’t abandon them entirely.

Danielle Dixon: Well said, Penelope 🙂

Trish Collins: I agree 100% with what you said, Penelope. I just want to clarify something. What I meant about following your instincts is that if something isn’t working, there’s no reason to continue doing that for weeks, months, or years, no matter what the “style” is or what the perceived benefits of that style is. I mean, when someone complains to me about their child’s sleep issues, my first question is what is acceptable to the parent. If co-sleeping isn’t working for them, I wouldn’t encourage them to continue doing it even though that’s what’s working for us. The article was surprising to me because the author continued doing something long after it stopped working. That’s what I mean about following our instincts.

Claire Larroux: In the Continuum Concept “philosophy”, which is similar to AP, babywearing is for the first few months of the dependent stage and then at the exploratory phase the baby is left to explore – a bit like an RIE baby. I think that makes total sense…

Toni Durbano: While wearing your baby may not be for everyone, there is absolutely a way to wear even 40 lb preschoolers and bigger children in a pain-free manner, given proper technique and appropriate carriers. I don’t find the article so judgmental (and I’m an AP parent who co-sleeps, nurses, and wears my baby) because I think all she’s saying is a certain parenting style didn’t work for her. I do wish she considered the idea of balance that Sears talks about and acknowledged in her article that he and others who promote extended breastfeeding and other tenants of AP address the idea that if parents are struggling/resentful they need to re-examine how they are applying AP and make a change. There is nothing in this parenting philosophy that demands parents sacrifice to the point of misery or physical pain in order to patent this way. Had she discussed this idea I would’ve felt she was being honest and informative about her AP experience rather than inflammatory.

Carrie Chuff: Penelope, I respectfully disagree a bit regarding instincts. I absolutely agree that research and reading is a good and necessary thing, because knowledge is power and it’s always good to challenge yourself to seek the truth in all things, not just parenting. But I really do believe all human mothers, regardless of their culture or upbringing, have innate knowledge in how to best care for their children. I think culture and upbringing have a lot to do with how a person later decides to parent, even subconsciously, but I don’t consider those instincts. I think a mom knows in her deepest self if a parenting decision is or isn’t right, though it may take uncommon self-knowledge in order to know it and listen to it, apart from what she’s learned or been told by her culture. That’s why listening to one’s instincts, in my opinion, should actually spur them on to learn more, rather than preventing them from challenging their preconceived notions about parenting. Maybe that’s just my own temperament, though.

Victoria Byres: I love so many aspects of the RIE approach but I feel that promoting articles like this is divisive. Obviously, there are plenty of happy and thriving A.P. parents and babies so I would much rather read about what is working well for families that follow RIE than how one lady misinterpreted AP.

Lisa Sunbury: Victoria, Thanks for sharing your point of view, but I didn’t post the article to be divisive or to promote one parenting style over another. I wanted to begin a discussion and hear from people about their experiences. The overall question for me is not “AP  vs. RIE parenting?” but, “What has your experience as a parent been? What tools have you found to help you and your child, and which have worked well or less well? What did you do if you run into difficulties? What are good ways to meet a baby’s needs AND to meet your own?” I think we all learn and grow from listening to and considering other points of view. And the reality is, AP (and RIE, for that matter) are BOTH often misinterpreted. I continue to be committed to more understanding all around.

Angela Hill: There is nothing at all wrong with letting a child cry. But for the life of me, I will never understand why parents think it is a good idea to leave a crying baby/child alone. You don’t have to bounce, jiggle, carry and booby the pain/discomfort/feelings away and you don’t have to walk away. There is middle ground. It is called listening. It is called relationship. Put the books down and have a relationship with this little human balancing their needs with yours to the extent that you can.

Lisa Sunbury: Angela, I tend to agree with you, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a minute. I’m going to use this mother’s post as an example. I’m NOT talking about an infant here. Child is a year old. Mother and child are both exhausted. Sleep rhythm is disturbed or non existent.Child hasn’t had a lot of experience learning to fall asleep on his own. Mother decides to make some changes. She’s prepared her child, she’s given loving, responsive care , and gone through the bedtime routine, and now it’s time to leave the room, turn out the light, and let the baby sleep. Baby cries. This is new, uncomfortable, he doesn’t like it, he (rightfully) wants what he has grown accustomed to, which is holding, co-sleeping, nursing, bouncing. Mom could go in and comfort- BUT, is that really the most helpful or respectful thing in this case? Might that not just upset the child further, and/or interrupt the child’s process further? Might the message the child receives be, “I am here, but I am not here?” Might the child experience confusion about why his parent is there but refuses to respond in the way he has known her to for all of his life? Isn’t this more cruel than just allowing the crying and allowing the child to work through it and go to sleep on his own? Might it not be a case of pulling the band aid off slowly vs. quickly and cleanly?

I absolutely don’t believe that a child who has loving, responsive care is going to be harmed, or feel “abandoned” in a case like this. Now, if the crying went on for more than half an hour, or the child woke in the night crying, or it had been a week, and the child still cried just as hard and as long at bedtime, of course this might require a different response. Again, it depends on a parent listening to, and knowing their child, and themselves. (And just for the record, because I know I’m going to take heat for this point of view, I DO NOT advocate CIO. I often counsel parents on sleep issues, and I tend to advocate a slow, supportive approach to making changes, and I personally have never been able to listen to a baby cry for more than 5 minutes without going to them, but I have also personally known, and worked with parents who have chosen to take exactly the approach this mother did, and their children are thriving, healthy (emotionally and physically), firmly attached, and well rested…)

Sundari Elizabeth Kraft: Lisa — That is so interesting, because the scenario you described is pretty much exactly what we went through with my daughter when she was 11.5 months old. She was accustomed to bed sharing, but her bedtime was 2-3 hours before mine, and when I tried to put her down for bed (without me) she would consistently wake up crying every 30-45 minutes, and need lots of care in order to go back to sleep. Not only was this exhausting for me and cut into the small amount of “me” time I tried to have at the end of the evening, but it got to the point where it was clear that my daughter wasn’t sleeping well and I didn’t feel that her habits were serving her rest or her brain development.

With lots of discussion (with her) and preparation, we allowed her to settle herself during the early evening. She cried some the first night, less the second night, and by the third night she was sleeping solidly for the first 5 hours of the night (after which I would bring her to bed with me at her first waking).

I received a lot of grief on a couple of AP pages when I attempted to discuss this (Actually, I was banned from one page.) but I feel 100% confident that what we did was far MORE respectful and responsive to my daughter than continuing with our old routine. She was not happy, and she was not sleeping well. Now she is able to sleep for large chunks of time on her own, and the fact that she adjusted so quickly tells me that she was ready for the switch.

In addition, not inconsequentially, it is very helpful to me to have time in the evenings where I’m not always waiting for her next wake-up.

To Clare and any others who are of like mind… I don’t think that parenting fundamentalism is helpful to anyone. It may make you feel more secure to believe there is “one true way” to raise children, but it just isn’t so. My daughter and I are very attached, and I did what was appropriate to support her independence and her development.

Lisa Sunbury: Sundari, I sincerely appreciate you sharing your experience here.

Maureen McLaughlin: That was an interesting read, for sure. I think she opens a bit dramatically with some of her word choices about AP ‘ruining her life,’ and being ‘smacked on the wrists,’ by AP parenting advocates but softens her rhetoric by the end of the piece. Which is good because her whole point is we need to stop being so judgmental of one another.I definitely related to much of what she said because she is describing almost to a T the experience we had with our first (he is now 23!). At 9 mos. my friends did an “intervention” on me because I had not slept for more than 15 or 45 min. in a row since he was born! For the exact same reasons: he had absolutely no idea how to self-soothe. There weren’t a lot of “methods” out there at the time so we used the Ferber method to get him off the night wakings/nursings.

I think my one area where I disagree is that I don’t think anything should be done, if possible, until at least 3 months of age. Hopefully sometime between 3 months and when they begin to stand. It took our son 6 nights of sleep “training” to get it including throwing up his breast milk because he would get himself worked into such a frenzy. I would cry too, but I liked the “plan” that I could go in a check on him in intervals…so I just tried to make it interval to interval. After 6 nights, it truly did transform our lives. Our son began to take naps, I started getting about 6 straight hours, I could plan our days better, etc. I think there is definitely a balance between the CIO method and the AP method, and I guess we all have different constitutions and personalities. I could not be a human pacifier and a happy person too.

I could not “babywear” because my babies hated it and I have also have back problems. I either held them with my bare hands or set them down. When I set them down I included them in on whatever I was doing. (Up on counter in baby seat watching me chop veggies, etc.). I weaned all of mine around 1 year. It was never traumatic because I had been working towards it with baby steps.

Lastly, I did co-sleep with my newborns in the crook of my arm…My 2nd one was a champion who only ever needed to be nursed once a night. Spent the first half of night in his own crib, 2nd in a double bed with me in his nursery. Third was high need in terms of snuggling. Did family bed with her, but she transitioned to the bottle around 10 mos. and merrily sucked on it till she was 4 (only at sleep times). Ack, I’m sure I will catch a ton of flack for that, LOL 😉 She was also a thumb sucker, so we did not mind sleeping with her. For me, I think it was the combo all night nursing plus co-sleeping that I couldn’t manage past 3-6 months without turning into a raging zombie. Namaste! Great discussion.

Stephanie Ann Peterson: As far as sleeping, I just feel the Hand in Hand approach is the most respectful. Staylistening communicates the most empathy to me. I think we should stay even if it takes longer and appears to cause more crying and/or raging. I save the walking away for when I am going to lose my patience and need to collect myself. That being said I don’t think walking away from a year old baby will necessarily damage them…it is just not best practice according to my heart. What I like about AP is that is really honors our biology and the story of a babies evolutionary needs. It honors closeness and empathy. I like RIE because it is about mutual respect and boundaries…which also promote empathy. I have both philosophies in my toolbox. There are times where I need to bend a little to meet my daughters needs and there are times to set her up for success to make changes and bring balance and peace to the family. I always trust that we can meet halfway. I am also a very big fan of James Prescott as mentioned above. Very interesting research regarding parenting practices in relation to violence and suicide.

Kathryn Estay: Where is the Dad in all this?

Lisa Sunbury: Kathryn, Good question!

Maureen McLaughlin: Yes, Kathryn- LIKE very much! In our family, after the first year Daddy was on duty for any night issues! But I had three kids…Got pregnant with each subsequent one when the other was age 2. So 9 mos. of pregnancy, one year of nursing, one year of getting body ready to conceive again. I needed some rest in between.Again, there may be some who would say I am a horrible parent for not tandem nursing, not nursing while pregnant, etc. But my body — my constitution — was just not able to do it. I think it’s fine when women can w/o losing their minds. I have no issues with child-led weaning, etc. I just wasn’t able to manage that and still be a happy, healthy person and “good Mama” with the necessary patience when I was that sleep deprived!

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, I don’t think you’re a horrible parent at all!

Carrie Chuff : Kathryn, I think the focus is more on the mom because, especially for young children, she is, generally, the primary caregiver. Usually we assume Dad is on board regarding parenting philosophies/styles/techniques, etc. (because if he’s not, that aspect is often brought up right away). Dad’s role is very important, too, but Mom is the one closest to her children at this point in their development, if only because she’s the one who is (usually) spending the most time with them.

Kathryn Estay: Yes, but my question is, where is the Dad when the parenting is done? Do you let your Child do whatever they want because they are young and don’t know what they are feeling? You are training your Child to act or not act a certain way whether you do it on purpose or not…It’s habit building….I think We as Mothers have a very important job, and yes we are around the child the most. I do think that my Motherly instinct gets in the way at times of the well being of my Child..It’s feelings. Emotions. That’s not always right…..The world has a mentality of “if it FEELS good do it” And you see where that has got us….I feel horrible listening to my Child cry in her bed, My instinct is to pick her up….But that is training my Child to cry for everything She wants. She understands I will wait until She stops, then she gets picked up right away……

Megan Haroldson: I always like having a bag of tricks and adjusting to your life style and children. We do everything: babywear/strollers, cosleep/cribs, etc. I do feel like an AP failure because I have 3 kids, 5 and under which is a lot of attachment. I can’t imagine not baby wearing- but I have a 23lb 6 month old so she is put down more often that if she were 15lbs. …I do encourage daddy-attachment and he is as close to our children as I am which is a major blessing.

Kathryn Estay: I think you misunderstood me, and it’s my fault. My comment about the crying in bed applies to my 1 year old…Not a newborn! And guess what- my 1 year old will stop crying when I walk in the room.. “When the parenting is done” refers setting boundaries and to the times when you are trying to teach a Child a lesson/training/disciplining a child. We are not restraining the Child’s emotions, We are training them to control them. But this wasn’t my question. Where is your Husband in the parenting process? Most Fathers are on the side lines, not really taking part. The Husband is the spiritual head of the Home. He is the one that sets boundaries, and leads the family. We as women can get caught in our emotions and be blinded, I know I do. And He is the one who keeps Me focused.

Kathryn Estay: Carrie, I’m not trying to argue or say anything negative about any parenting style. If anything is done out love it will work. But the motive has to be right. Spanking will work if done out of love, not out of anger. If the motive is wrong, the parenting will not work….And yes Parenting is an ongoing process, it never ends. I’m curious Carrie, When your son is told to do something and disobeys you. What do you do? Cause I don’t get a clear definition reading the “grace” parenting…..Or if your Son hits you or your Daughter? What do you do?

Carrie Chuff: Sorry, I didn’t want for it to become or be perceived as an argument, which is why I deleted my comment. It was also a little off topic anyway, haha! Regarding discipline, I follow the advice of Dr. Laura Markham – it has been well-suited to our needs.

Images of Learning Project: Thanks for sharing this article Lisa. This parent was very brave to share their viewpoint. As Meredith Small says, parenting is the one part of the human experience that everyone has an opinion on and they aren’t afraid to share it. When we label ourselves we don’t leave room for other possibilities.

Maureen McLaughlin: Kathryn Estay, ‘Spanking will work if done out of love?’ What? Lisa Sunbury can you help here?

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, Spanking may “work” in the short term, to scare children into temporary obedience, but it erodes the relationship of trust, and there is nothing “loving” about spanking. I don’t believe hitting someone smaller and defenseless can ever be said to be loving or respectful. I’ve written about this here: It IS Possible To Discipline Children Effectively Without Shame- A Very Personal Post. I also especially appreciate Kim’s reflections (The Single Crunch) on the topic of spanking: I Used To Hit My Children.

Maureen McLaughlin: I’m going to read both of those soon, Lisa. Thank you. In my opinion, spanking parents aren’t using ANY of the tools/techniques/philosophies we discuss on yours, Janet’s and other’s pages. I just wish spanking parents knew that babies and kids grow up, and someday they may find themselves with a violent teen who will turn to their parent (s) and make sure they know *exactly* where they learned it from. Please don’t spank.

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, I fully believe that when people know better, they do better. Again, we just have to keep listening and talking, coming from a place of love, turning people back to look at themselves and their children, and building on any little strength. With spanking- it’s a vicious cycle. People who were spanked growing up often don’t know any better.

Leyla Momeny: Thank your for sharing! One of the most important nuggets that I learned during the RIE Foundations course is that babies deserve a shot a life – at being a being in the world! To go from the womb to 24/7 “babywearing” (probably one of the lamest terms in the universe!) doesn’t give them a chance–a shot–to be a human in the world, in space, on the floor, on their own terms. Liz Memel spoke of it with the language of being provided with the time/space to “organize” their bodies and to continue to gain knowledge of themselves and their bodies in space. I think these ideas are so hard, and sometimes so painful, for AP-adopters to honestly and openly consider.

Leyla Momeny: I hope it wasn’t too harsh to poke fun at that term. The idea is that I can wear a pair of earrings. I can wear a scarf. I can wear a jacket, but good lord, should I be defining myself as someone who WEARS a human being? eh. The distinction between “baby-carrying” and “babywearing” might seem insignificant to some, but the language invokes the type of respect that we do (or don’t) have for babies/toddlers. And this matters.

Lisa Sunbury: Leyla,  Exactly! Beautifully said!

Maureen McLaughlin: OK, so this is getting good. We are touching on something I can really relate to. First of all, when I “wore” my babies turned in they thought they were supposed to nurse. I know there are Moms out there who wear and nurse at the same time…But I wasn’t comfortable doing that. I wanted to just sit down and focus on nursing. Not nurse and make dinner, nurse and vacuum. For me, it wasn’t about ways to increase my abilities to multi-task. When my kids were older (about 6 mos and up) I did enjoy wearing them in those backpacks for hikes, but then with my third I herniated my disc doing that and that was the end of that ;)Leyla, I also gave my kids some “free time” in (horrors) a play pen that had a few beautiful things hanging on the sides for them to look at and perhaps a couple of toys and a sheepskin to make it nice and cozy (I know now they don’t want parents putting babies on sheepskins, so please don’t). They enjoyed rolling around and stretching, etc. I would just bring it in the kitchen so they were near me. I hope these ideas are helpful for parents, who, like me just weren’t comfortable with the “baby wearing” model. I’m glad it works for some parents…It just didn’t for me (us). I definitely think I was a baby-carrier. I got comfortable holding them on my hip for many household activities so they could watch what “we” were doing.

Lisa Sunbury: No matter the “style” of parenting or caregiving we choose- we all share one thing in common: We are all dedicated to learning about, practicing,  and promoting gentle, respectful ways to care for and parent our babies, and to support other families in doing the same, as is so beautifully expressed in this note to me from Kim of The Single Crunch:

Last night Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare™ mentioned in a status that there was a great conversation going on here. I followed and read the thread (not yet the article) and learned SO much from your words. Thank you. I tend to do as you said and when a parent posts on my page, sometimes instead of thinking of what’s best for the family I think of what is most “AP”. I am sorry for having done that. Those are not the answers I would have wanted when I was still very new at this, or the answers I’d want now. Though I do believe that “what is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parent” (can’t remember who to quote but it’s someone else, not me lol); I also believe that parents can find what works for them and still takes into account the needs of their children and family. You helped me to remember that my goal is to help parents parent intentionally and with unconditional love…not simply to parent by the AP model. It is a fantastic model and one that, due to my circumstances, fits my life very well. I have to remember that circumstances, resources, knowledge, and access differ. You made so much sense, you explained yourself so well and very gently, and you stood up for children and for parents simultaneously. A mom asked a question this morning about co-sleeping and I immediately thought of your words and I was able to pause and to reflect on all that may be going on for her, and to answer her in a way that I felt showed I care for her child and  for her. Parents can handle a lot more than children can but we are still people, too; and we have to keep our cups full before we can fill anyone else’s. Thank you. Love.

Kim, I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. As you may know, I’m a huge admirer of yours, even though we sometimes have slightly different ways of approaching things. What I appreciate about you is your absolute dedication to your children, your honesty, your advocacy, and your dedication to finding, learning, and sharing respectful ways to raise and care for children. I also appreciate your willingness and ability to constantly engage in self reflection and respectful discussion with others. These conversations are important if anything is going to change for the better for our babies. And it’s not so much that there is one “right” way, because there isn’t. There are many good ways to nurture and show respect for our children- and ourselves. You said, “You helped me to remember that my goal is to help parents parent intentionally and with unconditional love…not simply to parent by the AP model.” YES! We share the same goal, and I am honored to be on this journey with you. And to each of you who participated in this conversation, and shared your experiences, your thoughts, links for further reading, thank you!  Let’s continue the conversation!

Nothing Else Matters- The Gift of RIE


It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I didn’t choose it so much as it chose me. All I had to do was say yes.  It’s like looking into a mirror. There’s no arguing with the reflection. It’s just what is… Reflected back is the good, the bad, the ugly. Do I have the strength to face it, and accept it for what it is? We’re going to find out. My past, my present, my future, who I am, where I’ve been, where I am, where I still need to grow… it’s all there. For thirty years, I’ve lived far from my family and forged my own path. Now I’ve returned to them to care for my new baby niece. There’s no taking the baby and running. I am here for the foreseeable future, and I recognize that if I am going to be a good caregiver to R., I need to continue to face and understand myself and my family dynamics.

At this point in time, R. remains in the care of foster parents. My family and I are allowed a one hour supervised visit with her each week at a service center in Delray Beach. In between, we can’t see R., nor are we given much information about her care or her daily life. We keep ourselves busy and occupied by preparing for the day (hopefully, soon) when she will be with us on a full time basis. This preparation  has included the “normal”, happy things like setting up R.’s room, shopping for clothing and baby care supplies, and road testing strollers, but it has also included submitting to background checks, fingerprinting, and a home study- which is a two and a half hour long process which involves having your home environment evaluated for safety and suitability for a child, handing over your financial records, being grilled by a social worker regarding your motivations, and probing into every aspect of your personal (from birth on) and professional life, including your childcare philosophy and experiences. The social worker then writes a report, which must be reviewed, approved and signed off on by her supervisor and her supervisor above her, before a lawyer can write a request for a “transfer of care”, which must then be approved by a judge.

I feel as if I am in limbo- neither here nor there. This week has included times of frustration, extreme sadness and longing for home and the people at home, a close and unwelcome encounter with a rat, and a bout of the stomach flu.

It has been a difficult and challenging week on so many levels, but I am not alone and without support. I have been buoyed by a constant outpouring of listening, love, prayers, calls, and encouraging messages from far away friends and family, as well as unexpected kindnesses from complete strangers, and people I have never met, but only know through facebook. I have discovered one of the greatest gifts and comforts is something that is within me, something  I carry with me- my understanding and practice of RIE,  not just as it applies to babies, but to all of those around me. Let me try to explain.

I will soon be R.’s primary caregiver, but for right now, she is in the care of others, and once she is with me, we will initially be living with my mother and my step-dad. I will continue to receive monthly visits from a social worker, and of course, I will do everything in my power to support R.’s parents (my brother and his girlfriend) to continue to develop their relationship with her. There is a lot of love surrounding R., and although I will be her primary caregiver, clearly I am not in “control”, and I must accept that while I have my preferences and particular ways of doing things and being with her, others may not share the same ways of thinking, acting, being, or doing.

So often, when I’m counseling parents or mentoring students new to RIE, I am asked the question. “How do I help others understand?” I hear anguished stories from mothers and caregivers who are struggling because others don’t understand, or their ways of interacting are different, and not respectful. Magda Gerber’s counsel was simple:  “Don’t stress – let others develop relationships with the infant/child in their own way.” Janet Lansbury elaborates in her post Dealing With Parenting Differences Among Friends, Family, and Kind Strangers:

“Don’t say anything.”  AND  “Do model. It is easiest to appreciate a parenting style when we see an organic, spontaneous demonstration. Be a positive model of respectful care. You’ll be surprised how much others notice, if they are even a little bit open-minded.  Strangers have approached me to say how much they enjoyed watching me interact with my toddler. The majority of RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class referrals come from people who have admired their friends’ children, or the quality of the relationship they have with them.”

I recognize that this advice is easier to give than it is to practice. I am embarrassed to admit that when I was a new student of RIE, I struggled mightily with this advice. After having my eyes opened to a different way of being with and caring for babies, I wanted everyone to “get it” the way I thought I did. I harbored a lot of judgement and criticism towards those who didn’t understand or know about the “right way” to respect babies. Early on, after having participated in one of my first RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes as a demonstrator, as I talked with Magda, I blurted out that I thought the classes would be much more enjoyable and beneficial for the babies, if only the babies didn’t come with their parents. “The babies “get it”, their parents don’t.” (Forgive me, I was young, and knew not what I was saying.)

In her typical wise, gentle fashion, Magda laughed, and said, “Lisa, try to be patient with them- and with yourself. Just keep doing what you are doing, and you will see- they will get it, and so will you.” It’s taken me all of fifteen years of practice to realize the complete wisdom of those words, and of Magda’s message to me, but I humbly report that I am coming closer and closer to understanding…

Respecting babies means accepting that others may or may not interact with them in the way I’d like. Preaching, teaching, judging, and criticizing won’t help another person to understand or to change, but my quiet, peaceful modeling, and the relationship I develop with R. will make a difference to her, and to me, and nothing else matters.

Magda advocated not just for respect and trust for babies and their process, she advocated for “respect for all people.” She believed, “Having respect for the world is when you allow people to be what they are.” I am “getting it”, and because of that, I can relax, allow others to develop their own relationship with R., and not feel that I have to try to control them.

I am realizing more and more that RIE is not just something I “do” with children, but it has become a part of me, a part of who I am, not just with babies but with all the people in my life (although I admit- it is still much easier for me to practice with babies than with adults- but I’m getting there!). Yesterday, we had a visit with R. There was some kind of audit going on at the service center, and the place was swarming with people. Phones were ringing, doors were slamming, people were talking loudly, and we were relocated into a small, cramped office (instead of the play room) for our visit. R. was very aware of the changes, and it wasn’t the easiest visit. A well meaning person turned on the bright overhead lights in the office we were in, even before she asked if we wanted/needed them, then she turned them off, and on again, for no apparent reason. R. arrived hungry, and was having lots of gas and cramps, and we had to change her on a desk top next to a computer screen and keyboard.

R. was a trooper through most of it, smiling and cooing, but after she was fed and changed, she started crying, and I could see she wanted to go back to sleep. This is the kind of situation that would have thrown me, in the past. I would have become anxious, and critical of everyone around me, and I would no doubt have passed that feeling of anxiety to R.

But yesterday, I did not become anxious. I stayed very focused on R., and very calm. I moved slowly. I talked slowly, and I stayed connected to R., and it created this kind of bubble of safety and peace around us, despite the circumstances. It was like everything and everyone else dropped away. My mother was feeling anxious, but I didn’t engage in a struggle with my mother or try to stop her from being who she is, or doing what she does. I just slowly undid R.’s car seat buckles while talking quietly with her. When she was crying and all the noise and commotion was going on, I quietly held her, and acknowledged that I saw she wanted to sleep. I told her she was safe. When she startled, I acknowledged- “You heard the door slam. There are a lot of loud noises here today.” She fell asleep in my arms with a deep sigh. And then it was time to say goodbye to her again for another week.

I maintained a peaceful space inside myself, and R. responded to this. It’s so difficult to put this into words, but I wanted to try, because it’s truly a miracle. I am understanding the beauty and the gift of RIE and how it works, on an ever deeper level, as I continue to practice and live it. THIS is why it is so hard to “teach” RIE or write about it. It really can’t be conveyed so easily in words, and it really does come from practicing it and making mistakes, coming back to mindfulness and paying attention, and trying again and again to make the connection with the baby. It’s not about anyone else or what they do or say, it’s about who I am, and how I relate to R., and the relationship we are developing, and nothing else matters.There’s room to allow others to have their relationship with R., too.

‘Holding’ Her Through the Tears

 

“There is a kind of ‘holding’ we can do as mothers and caretakers that takes place in our hearts and minds; we can create an atmosphere for the child that is filled with the warmth and protection they need. When my son is out on his own in the space around me, I am always ‘holding’ him with me; in the way I move and the songs I sing and even in my quiet meditative thoughts (when I can keep them calm and tame that is).” Sydney Steiner , Learning Motherhood

When I read these words today, I thought of this:

Untitled

 

It’s the first time…the first time I’m meeting her, the first time I’m holding her, the first time I’m feeding her, and now, the first time I’m changing her diaper. She isn’t even a month old yet, and she is so incredibly tiny. We only have an hour together. She is awake and aware, even though she keeps her eyes closed tight against the bright, overhead, florescent lights of the playroom we are in. She’s been cuddled in my arms for about a half an hour, and she’s eaten, and it’s pretty clear that she needs a diaper change. The circumstances are less than ideal.

There is no changing table, so I place her on a blanket on the couch. My mother is hovering over my shoulder, and a social worker is present watching my every move and taking notes. She begins to cry as soon as I put her down and start undressing her, her face turning bright red, contorting and scrunching up, her arms flailing, and her legs kicking. Whoever invented the term “non-mobile” baby, had no clue. I feel tense. I am supposed to be the “expert”, and yet…

Her wails are so loud, and plaintive- “I don’t like this!!!”  I briefly wonder if there is a way to change her while still holding her. “Breathe, Lisa,” I tell myself. Then I enter a quiet, focused space within, and bring my full attention to her in the moment. Everybody and everything else ceases to exist. “We will get through this together.” I resist the urge to hurry through the diaper change, and quietly talk to her, remembering to tell her what I am going to do before I do it. She continues to cry and flail. She kicks off a sock. She screams louder as I wipe the tender, reddened skin on her bottom, and apply the diaper cream that the social worker hands to me. She urinates just as I am going to fasten the new diaper into place. Almost done. “Breathe.”

I finish, and lift her into my arms, one sock still off. My mother brings her sock and tries to put it back on just as she is calming down and settling comfortably back into my arms. “Give us a minute, Mom. Let her get settled, first.” It was the longest five minutes of my life. But we did it, together, and the world didn’t end, and the next time will be easier….or not, but my commitment remains to hold the calm space for her, to slow down, to talk her through it, and be with her in it, even if I can’t physically hold her through every minute of it. “Breathe.” And so our relationship begins.

Choosing Childcare For Infants and Toddlers- Essential Considerations

 

In the day-to-day give and take of good infant/toddler child care, children and their caregivers relate in a way that looks much like a dance, with the child leading, the caregiver picking up the rhythm and following. When a caregiver reads and responds to the young child’s messages with sensitivity, the child’s hunger to be understood is satisfied. The conviction that “I am someone who is paid attention to” becomes part of the infant or toddler’s identity. Doctor J. Ronald Lally

It’s a wonder I haven’t tackled the topic of what to consider when choosing childcare for infants and toddlers before because it’s one parents often ask me about. Part of the reason I tend to shy away from this subject is that I have a bias against center-based or group childcare for children under the age of three, partly because I know firsthand how woefully inadequate many programs are at truly meeting the unique needs of babies and toddlers.

  baby bentrup

As Doctor Ronald Lally of the Program For Infant Toddler Care says, “Simply put, a preschooler has already formed a pretty solid sense of identity, with definite likes, dislikes, inclinations, and attitudes, but an infant or toddler is forming his or her sense of identity. Part of what the infant gets from the caregiver is a sense of who that caregiver is; this sense is incorporated into the infant’s definition of self. The process of forming a strong positive identity should occur in a setting that offers security, protection, and intimacy. It doesn’t happen in “school”; it happens in a continuing relationship with a caregiver.”

I understand it isn’t a possibility for many families, whether due to personal choice, family structure, or financial considerations, to stay home with their babies, and/or to hire a nanny to provide in-home care until they are three years of age or so. If a family chooses or requires care outside of the home, I encourage parents to consider small home-based family childcare centers, as well as larger centers. Little River School Online wrote a very informative and helpful post describing the different options parents have when it comes to choosing childcare, outlining some of the pros and cons of the different choices, that you may want to take a look at Finding The Right Child Care Fit. Ultimately, it’s not the type of care that is as important, as it is the quality of care.

In a chapter of Your Self Confident Baby entitled How to Select the Right Child Care, Magda Gerber wrote, “Parents have often asked me if it is detrimental for a child brought up following RIE philosophy to be in a child care situation that doesn’t follow it. Not necessarily. I strongly believe good is good. Finding a kind, gentle person who pays attention to your child is the important thing. Honesty is a good quality too.”

The components that I consider essential to quality center-based infant toddler care include the following:

1) Number one, and most important in my book, is looking for caregivers or teachers who are patient, kind, good observers and listeners, and who seem to enjoy being with babies and toddlers. A professional caregiver or teacher will possibly hold a degree in early childhood development or education, and at the very least, will actively pursue ongoing personal learning and professional development opportunities. 

2) Next is primary caregiving (defined as one or two special people who care for and know your child well); and small group size. How small? Ideally,  there will be one caregiver for every three babies 15 months and younger, with a total group size of no more than eight (I prefer 6.), and one caregiver for every four toddlers 15 months to three years of age with a total group size of no more than twelve. (I prefer eight.)

3) Continuity of care is also important. This means the same caregiver(s) care for your child throughout their time at the center. There should be a predictable but flexible routine that allows for responsive and individualized care, and the environment should allow for and encourage lots of free play and exploration, choice, and autonomy, indoors and out.

4) I wish that I didn’t even have to include this next statement, but observation and experience make it necessary: Direct teaching, academics, and screen technology of any kind should have no place at all in childcare settings for babies and toddlers. Magda Gerber talked about the importance of “caregiving as the curriculum” meaning that for babies and toddlers, everything about their day is a learning opportunity. Teachers should follow the baby’s lead and meet individual needs during diapering, feeding, and sleeping times. Schedules should be flexible to accommodate individual preferences. Babies and toddlers don’t need a planned curriculum, they need responsive, attentive caregivers, who take the time to build relationships, provide predictable routines, and allow them to explore freely. 

So, how to gauge if a particular center or setting is the right one for you and your child?

1) Start by defining what is most important to you, and ask friends and other parents to share their recommendations and experiences. Take a look at these guides from the National Association For The Education of Young Children that give tips on what to look for in a quality infant or toddler program.

2) Do an online search to find local centers, and spend some time looking at their websites. Your local resource and referral center may be a good place to start.

3) Don’t skip this step! Call and visit each center you are considering, and spend time observing the teachers who will care for your child. If possible, visit at least once on your own and then again with your child. Ask lots of questions (mostly of the director, as teachers will be focused on the children in their care).

4) Most importantly, pay attention to your gut reactions as you observe, because if it doesn’t “feel right” to you for any reason, it probably isn’t! 

Beyond basic health and safety considerations, here are some things other parents have said were important to them:

“Enough time to accompany your child in the transition time. Enough outdoor time regardless of the weather. In the end, you must like it and trust the teachers, so your child can feel safe and happy there.”

“I know that I am looking for the following qualities: a “non-academic” play-based place, staffed by caring, positive-minded, joyful people who aim to raise kids with intrinsic motivation and who don’t “Good job!” everything to death. People who believe in firm, clear boundaries and who don’t socialize kids to perform and to please. Most importantly, people who believe that there is no right or wrong way to play. A no-media environment, healthy organic foods, outdoor space, and use of non-toxic home products and cleaning materials and I would be one very, very happy lady! I am finding that these things are not exactly easy to find!”

“Outdoor space and an absence of flashcards, or drill-kill-type activities would be wonderful, too. I would also look for a place that has routines and structures in place with plenty of time for free exploration and play during the day. Racial and cultural diversity is also important. Perhaps I am too selective?” (Not at all!)

“I would say to look for rooms that are set up to encourage independent exploration. Look for teachers who are not hovering, yet are available, helpful, and compassionate”

“Look for a place that will let you sit in a corner and observe – it’s the little parts of the day that make the whole. Look for respect in how the teachers treat the children, listen to how they speak to them, and watch for lots of creative, open-ended play. Make sure to ask the staff what they believe about children – their answers will speak volumes!”

“Good ratios (number of adults per child), experienced respectful teachers, lots of open-ended play objects, daily outdoor time, hands-on activities offered daily. Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t right for you.”

“Priority on time outside in all weather, gender non-specific toys, lack of branded toys, plenty of books in good shape. Clean, welcoming space that your child finds inviting and understands. Caregivers who care for themselves, communicate clearly. A routine (not necessarily a schedule) that allows for both structured and unstructured time. Consistent adults with current vaccinations and background checks. Healthy food, shared in community. Clear professional policies.”

A good center will be licensed and may be accredited by the National Association for The Education of Young Children  (NAEYC) or another accrediting organization (although this alone does not guarantee quality), will have a clear, written philosophy of care, an open door policy (meaning parents are welcome and encouraged to visit and observe at any time), and will strive for, and put a priority on open daily written and verbal communication between caregiver/center and home.

Many quality programs include a parent education and support component which may include daily or weekly notes and/or observations regarding your child, monthly newsletters, a lending library, monthly parent meetings, social gatherings such as potlucks or community work days, monthly adult-only meetings on “hot” parenting topics, parent/infant classes, home visits from teachers, meetings with teachers and/or directors to discuss a child’s development and progress and answer parent questions, a parent handbook, a Facebook page or website with a blog and/or community board, and more. There must be two-way communication between the family and caregiver/center. Quality programs will offer their teachers and staff ongoing professional education and support opportunities, as well.

The books Your Self Confident Baby, and One, Two, Three The Toddler Years both have chapters that distill the most important tips and considerations for parents searching for the right care for their baby or toddler. It’s not an easy task, but it is possible to find care for your baby that feels good and works for your family, and it’s worth it to start early and do your research to find the best fit.

 

One last note: I strongly urge parents, teachers, caregivers, or anyone who cares about infants and toddlers to become an advocate for quality family services, policies, and childcare. All families and all babies and toddlers deserve access to quality and affordable services and support. An easy way to become informed and active is to join a group such as For Our Babies, which is a nonprofit organization started by Ronald Lally and Peter Mangione which advocates for quality childcare and:

1) Prenatal health care coverage for all families, regardless of income, including home-based support and counseling during pregnancy.

2) Affordable intervention services for at-risk pregnancies.

3) Paid leave for parents for the first nine months of their child’s life.

4) Affordable visits to the homes of all newborns for the first two years that include guidance by professionals trained in parenting and healthy development, along with counseling on early emotional, social, intellectual, linguistic, and perceptual/motor development.

5) Affordable developmental screenings to identify physical and behavioral needs, with referral to affordable help when needed.

6) Affordable services for children with identified special needs.

Check it out today!

I hope that this post will be helpful to you in thinking about your options, and defining what is most important when choosing care for your baby or toddler. Further, I invite you to share your questions, experiences, and tips with others if you’ve been through this process in the comment section below.

 

 

Your Baby Has Decided Something Already ~ Can you see?

R+January+2013+009

they say that the beginning
is marked by birth

never mind what you were doing for ten long months
tucked inside your mother’s core

they want to swaddle you, pass you, restrain you, decide for you
but it was you who decided something already

this morning you looked at a ray of sun

illuminating your own hand

there were no flashcards, no claps of approval
to choreograph this relationship with light

in a few months, a rattle will be used
you will be asked to smile, to coo, to say hello
“Good job, Henry!” “Good boy, Henry!” Good boy!”

is this when we begin to live life for others?
does it begin with a name? a certificate? a swaddle?
does it begin with the toy shoved in the palm of a hand
underneath the morning light? ~ Leyla Momeny

Leyla, who is a public school teacher in San Francisco, penned this poem while waiting at the airport for her flight home after completing the RIE Foundations Summer Intensive Course in Los Angeles. I’m thrilled to be able to share her thoughts with you. This is the first in what I hope will be a series of reflections from parents, care-givers, students and others who are putting Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy into practice in “real life.” My hope is that by sharing the voices and experiences of a diverse group, we can illuminate ways in which respectful care-giving can benefit babies and adults, and strengthen families. What does respectful care look and sound like? What are the challenges, the questions, the joys, of caring for or parenting babies and toddlers in this way?

Leyla says, “I discovered RIE when my daughter was seventeen months old. It was a wonderful discovery and incredibly thought-provoking and trans-formative. I like to think that my girl has experienced the benefits of RIE, even at a “late” start. It is such a powerful framework for parenting and I can’t think of anything as beautiful and respectful as Magda Gerber’s notion of “wants nothing” time.

 

“Be careful what you teach the child, you may interfere with what he is learning. Once, many years ago, I saw a child lying on the floor trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way.  I did not see anything, but I knew that the child saw something.  Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow and that is what the child saw.  That stayed with me as a symbolic reminder so that now when people do things, I want to say, ‘That child may just see that rainbow—don’t interrupt, Wait.’ ” ~ Magda Gerber

“Some days, the “RIEness” of my household is plainly evident: expressions of emotion are respected, play is not parent-directed, interactions are cooperative, autonomy is encouraged and respected, and boundaries are lovingly firm. This isn’t always the case, but it is what my husband and I strive for.

There are certainly challenges to parenting with this approach. People might think you’re a bit wacky. Other parents might wonder why you aren’t jumping up and down with earth-shattering delight and infectious enthusiasm when your child scales a challenging climbing structure or generously hands a coveted toy over to a new friend. It is difficult to communicate your belief in protecting and valuing a toddler’s intrinsic motivation, in thirty seconds or less, to another busy parent across the sandbox!

I have many, many questions, too. I am a new and humble student of RIE and feel I’ve made many “mistakes” in the past with this parenting thing. It’s all a process! What I have learned through studying Magda Gerber’s work is this: Infants are competent, autonomous beings. There is a difference between doing things TO THEM vs. WITH THEM. From day one, it is possible to cooperate with infants. There are specific steps to this such as always explaining what you are doing when diapering, feeding, or bathing. I’ve learned to slow down and to wait; to follow an infant’s cues. The pace most of us go at is a rushed, frenetic pace that can be anxiety-inducing to babies. Slowing down and touching and responding with great respect and care is a place to start.”

 

 

Is “The Happiest Baby On The Block” the Most Oppressed? Why I’m Not a Fan of The “5 S” Method of Calming Crying Babies

Cry Baby

Is it just possible that the Happiest Baby On The Block is the most oppressed? If a parent responds to a baby’s cries as Doctor Harvey Karp suggests, from her earliest moments, the baby may be getting the message that her cries won’t be tolerated or taken seriously. I know this is absolutely the last message in the world that loving, caring parents intend to send to their babies, which is why I have a difficult time tolerating it when professionals package and sell programs to unsuspecting and vulnerable parents who only want to understand and offer comfort to their babies.

Consider: What messages might a baby be receiving if we respond to their cries in the way Doctor Harvey Karp demonstrates in this video?

 

 

https://youtube.com/watch?v=guRi6zyFHtwframeborder%3D0allowfullscreen

 

Doctor Karp teaches new parents to “recreate the conditions of the womb” in order to comfort and quiet babies through using a method he refers to as the “5 S’s“:

  • Tight Swaddling: Karp says, “Tight swaddling provides the continuous touching and support your baby is used to experiencing within the womb.”  ( I don’t recommend tight swaddling because I believe babies need and deserve to be free to move their arms and legs, which is one of the ways they discharge energy. Additionally, tight swaddling can cause or aggravate existing hip problems. A better alternative is a sleep sack.)
  • Side/stomach position: “The infant is placed on their left side to assist in digestion, or on their stomach to provide reassuring support. “But never use the stomach position for putting your baby to sleep,” cautions Karp. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is linked to stomach-down sleep positions. When a baby is in a stomach down position do not leave them even for a moment.” ( I’ve written about the drawbacks of  placing  babies on their stomachs before they can move into this position independently. It’s not worth the risk to your baby’s health, development, or safety to place her into a side or stomach position  in the hopes that it will stop her crying.)
  • Shushing sounds: “These imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.” ( I don’t believe loudly shushing a baby sends the message that I’m present, available, and listening.)
  • Swinging: Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the gravity driven world of the outside is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea. “It’s disorienting and unnatural,” says Karp. Rocking, car rides, and other swinging movements all can help. ( Babies quickly get used to and become dependent on rocking, car rides, bouncing, or swinging to lull them and to put them to sleep, and then come to need these things. I believe it best to comfort babies with a minimum amount of movement. Rocking, swaying, or walking with a crying baby is often comforting for the adult, but I’d avoid taking the baby for car rides in the hopes of quieting them. Magda Gerber suggested, “All the many forms of what we call comforting, bouncing a child on one’s knee or rocking her in a rocking chair, often express our own nervous energy and frustration when confronted with a crying baby.”)
  • Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural chemicals within the brain.” (It’s true that babies derive comfort from sucking, but they find their hands or thumbs quickly when given an opportunity.)

Karp suggests using these “techniques” in the first weeks and months of a baby’s life, and all at once! I don’t know about you, but I didn’t observe that baby Maya was comforted by  having the “5 S’s” administered. To my eyes, she appeared to be shocked into silence. Not only that, but she was being “handled” and manipulated as if she was an object, not a human being. In fact, when I viewed the video for the first time, I didn’t realize that Doctor Karp was “using” an actual baby to “demonstrate” his method- I thought he was shaking a doll. I heard Janet Lansbury’s gentle admonishment, “If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to your baby. In fact, don’t do things to your babydo things with your baby.”

Even more upsetting and insulting, Maya is being talked about as if she’s not there, as Karp goes on to advise the trusting mom how to “trick” her baby into holding onto the pacifier, by “pretending” to pull it away from her. When he asks Mom if Maya might be hungry, and the reply is “Yes,” he allows that it’s natural for Maya to be fussy, and “If you were at home and not doing a little class, you’d feed her.”  So- the baby is expressing a need, and the mother is understanding the baby’s communication, and the good doctor advises the mom to ignore her baby’s communication in the interest of continuing to demonstrate how well his calming technique works- for the cameras and all the world to see.

Again I ask, what message is Maya receiving? Wouldn’t it be better to help mom and baby to build their relationship by encouraging mom to listen, respond to, and honor Maya’s expressed need to eat? I would have been less incensed had Dr. Karp at least acknowledged or talked to the baby about what was happening. The infant was completely left out of the equation here.

Another difficulty I have with programs like Dr. Karp’s, which are meant to teach parents to “magically” stop a baby’s crying, is that they set up unrealistic expectations for parents. All soothing “strategies” may work some of the time, but nothing works all of the time.

This should not be a surprise; after all, babies are not machines, and do not act like machines. The problem is, of course, that programs that claim to be successful, especially when you “do it right,” can raise expectations that you should be able to soothe your infant. Then, if you can’t, and the infant continues to cry, you can feel even worse than you felt from the crying alone, because you have now “failed” somehow. The saddest thing is to hear about parents who say, even when they have done all the things they were promised would work, but their baby keeps crying, “I feel like such a failure.” Ronald G. Barr, MDCM, FRCP(C)

 

“Many babies cry a lot during the first weeks, even the first three months. There can be several reasons; most likely the premature organism does not yet function smoothly and babies have to learn to adapt to a very different life from the one that they were accustomed to in the womb.” Magda Gerber

I believe babies (even the most fragile) are up to the challenge of adapting, thriving, and participating in their own process when given a bit of gentle, calm support. Every effort should be made to understand and respond sensitively to a baby’s cry (which I see as communication), but I do not believe that we should try to (or need to) artificially recreate the conditions of the womb in order to quiet a crying baby.

In fact, quieting a crying baby should never be the goal. I suggest taking a deep breath, slowing and calming yourself before responding. Listen and try to understand why the baby is crying. You might say, “I hear you crying. I wonder what you might be saying?” If there is a need that can be met, like hunger, or the need for sleep, then it makes sense to respond by meeting the need. If baby is crying, and you can’t discern an obvious reason, then it can be helpful to reduce stimulation to a minimum, and just gently hold him, or lie her down. Skin to skin contact, gently swaying your body while cuddling baby in your arms, talking softly or quietly humming a song, may comfort your baby (or maybe it comforts you), but sometimes, you may find that nothing you do has a calming effect.

What is important for all parents to understand (but especially new parents),  is that it is normal and natural for babies to cry. In fact, this is what is sometimes referred to as The Period of PURPLE Crying which “begins at about 2 weeks of age and continues until about 3-4 months. There are common characteristics of this phase, or period, which are described by the acronym PURPLE. All babies go through this Period; it is just that during this time some can cry a lot, some far less, but they all do go through it,” writes Marilyn Barr, Founder/Executive Director, NCSBS

I want to help all adults and new parents to understand that each day, newborn babies mature and “settle” a bit more, and that from the very beginning, babies are learning about themselves, about us, and about their world through their interactions with us. Babies are dependent on adults to meet their needs, but this doesn’t mean that they are not conscious human beings. Babies deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and as partners in relationship from their very first moments.

I’m passionate about helping new parents to understand their babies’ cries, and encouraging them to feel confident in responding in ways that will strengthen and build the relationship and communication between them and their baby. To that end, I’m offering some further resources here, and as always, I welcome all questions and comments.

Period of Purple Crying, A New Way To Understand Your Baby’s Crying

What Is All That Crying About?  Ronald G. Barr, MDCM, FRCPC

The Truth About Infant Self Soothing Janet Lansbury

7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying Janet Lansbury

The Secret Language of Babies Janet Lansbury

It’s Okay to Let Your Baby Cry Gracelings

Babies and Crying: What’s a parent to do? Lisa Sunbury

Soothing Your Baby the Calms Way Parenting With Love

Growing, Changing, and Loss

I’ve been contemplating these words from Janet Lansbury for days now, as J., who will turn three years old in less than two weeks, has been growing in leaps and bounds right before our very eyes:

In regard to babies and loss…. Even if we never, ever leave our baby’s side, s/he will experience loss. Leaving the womb is “loss”. Anytime the child grows, accomplishes, becomes a little more independent, there is loss involved. Weaning and toilet learning are losses, even if the child leads the way. When the baby wants mommy and only daddy is available to her, that is loss. Loss is a natural, unavoidable part of life, even for babies. But babies aren’t “afraid” of it the way we might be… However, we can teach them to be. Crying is healing when it is supported by loving parents and caregivers. Babies learn something very empowering…”I’m okay”, or “Mommy comes back”.

I am always conscious of the fact that if I am doing my job as an infant/toddler caregiver well, it means that I am providing the baby with both the support and the freedom s/he needs to become ever more independent, but without pushing before the child is ready. Babies and toddlers grow and change so quickly, and even as adults (sometimes anxiously) look forward to “first times”, cheer new accomplishments, and celebrate developmental milestones and birthdays, both babies and adults sometimes struggle with the feelings of loss that inevitably accompany growth, change, and new achievements. While there can’t be growth without loss, I can’t help but feel that in order to truly embrace the “new” and the “now”, we need to acknowledge (not get stuck in, but just take a moment to contemplate and honor) what once was, what we are letting go of the baby that once was, the relationship that once was- and is now changing. If we can accept all of the sometimes conflicting emotions that come up (for both children and grown-ups) as we and they move through stages and ages, maybe we can move through them with a little more ease.

 

                                          If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

Monarch Butterfly female

At the end of last week, J. began attending a play based preschool program for three hours each morning (the same one his sister attended starting when she was 40 months old, and J. was just a newborn baby). He is so excited, proud, and happy to be going to what he calls “my school” (just  like his big sister). So far, his adjustment has been going smoothly. There have been a few tears in the morning when his Mom and Dad drop him off, but he quickly calms down and enthusiastically joins in the play. “I cried, because I didn’t want Mommy and Daddy to go. But only a little bit.”

When I arrive to pick J. up, I usually find him hanging from the monkey bars, and he’s eager to show me the new tricks he’s been practicing after he leaps into my arms for a hug. On our drive home, he is full of stories about what he did that day, and the fun he had with his “new best friend” C. It’s clear he’s so ready for this experience. His teachers have remarked on his “delightful sense of humor,” and his “impressive ability to communicate and express his wants, needs, and emotions clearly,”  both to them and his peers.

Yet, the very first day, although he played happily all morning, J. was a bit reluctant to allow the teachers to help him when it came time to change his diaper. He told them, “No fank (thank) you. I’m just going to wait for Lisa. She’ll come and take care of me, and change my diaper.” My eyes welled up with tears when I heard this story. Magda Gerber taught that caregiving times (diapering, feeding, bathing) are relationship building times. She urged adults to slow down and bring full focus and attention to the child during these times, and to include the baby fully in the process. When done Magda’s way, diaper changes are intimate, connected, “together”, enjoyable times between caregiver and baby.

As Janet Lansbury says in How to Love A Diaper Change, “Diapering is not just about getting a job done, or having a clean baby. Our hands are a baby’s introduction to the world. If they touch slowly, gently, and “ask” a child for cooperation rather than demand it, we are rewarded with a relationship bound in trust, respect and the inexorable knowledge of our importance to each other.” To me, J.’s response to his teacher spoke to the close, trusting relationship we had forged over three years of daily diaper changes.

Yesterday afternoon, J. accomplished another big milestone. While I was in the kitchen putting away the dishes, and his sister was in the living room reading a book, J. took it upon himself to use the small potty that’s been sitting in the bathroom since he’s been about two years old. He called to me to help him put his diaper back on after he’d finished pooping. Today, his Mom told me that he called to her at about five this morning, telling her he had to use the potty (despite the fact that he had already wet through his diaper in his sleep). He remained dry during his two hour nap time today though, and used the potty without any prompting from me when I helped undress him for his bath after we picked his sister up from school. It seems he is on his way to mastering toilet learning on his own terms.

Yet, last weekend, as his parents cleaned out the garage to prepare for a yard sale, J. enjoyed revisiting and playing with some of the baby toys he had long outgrown. I sat to watch him play for a bit, when suddenly he lifted his arms and asked me to pick him up. When I did, he said, “Lisa, I want to be a baby and a big boy too.” I nuzzled him and told him I understood.

I do understand, because even as I experience a feeling of joy as I watch J. confidently move into the wider world outside of the close circle of his family, while nonchalantly tackling the task of potty learning, I’ve found myself  feeling a little at loose ends this week. There is a slight sadness and sense of  nostalgia  for the baby boy and young toddler that I have spent the last three years helping to nurture to this place of confidence and independence. We still have a close bond and we share our afternoons together, but he needs me in a different way than he used to. I am missing J.’s company and our mornings together, with all the easy, intimate rhythms and routines we shared, even as I delight in watching him grow and spread his wings to become exactly who he is today, and I revel in the fact that I  have gained  fifteen free hours every week to devote to walking and yoga, writing, volunteering, wedding planning, and (finally!) staring a parent/infant class.

It can be bittersweet, this letting go and saying goodbye to what was, even as we make way for what’s becoming, can’t it?

 

 

 

Your Baby Is Speaking To You

Newborn babies communicate with us from birth, in a language all their own. Their body posture, cries, subtle changes in expression, even the reflexes they are born with, speak volumes, but it can be a little bit hard to “understand” a baby’s way of “speaking” if you haven’t spent a lot of time hanging out with them. Well,  thanks to the new book  Your Baby Is Speaking To You,  a visual guide to the amazing behaviors of your newborn and growing baby, by Doctor Kevin Nugent, with photographs by Abelardo Morell, decoding your baby’s subtle cues just might be a little easier and less perplexing. As a professional “baby watcher” I was  captivated by this absolutely gorgeous photographic exploration of what a baby’s early postures and communications convey. This is a resource that I will be adding to my recommended books, and giving often as a gift to new and expectant parents. I highly recommend this book to  professionals working with newborns and their parents, as well.

Written in a clear, accessible, non-judgmental tone, each two page spread explores a different aspect of a baby’s “language” from sleeping to crying, to eating, to yawning, and more, by juxtaposing a photograph on one side of the page, with a brief explanation illuminating the meaning on the opposite page.From the Introduction:

“Whether it is an arching of the eyebrows or a furrowing of the brow, a splaying of the fingers or a tightening of the leg muscles, these signals are the “words” or “phrases” your baby uses to communicate, the phonemes of his first language, his first words. These behavioral signals are not random: they convey messages , provide information, and tell you what kind of caregiving your baby needs to grow and develop, what he likes or prefers, and what he does not like. Your Baby Is Speaking to You, will tell you how to watch for and interpret all these signals.”

Take a peek inside the book here, but be forewarned, if you’re noise sensitive, you might want to turn the volume off first. (When I showed this clip to a friend, he commented that the “awful sound” accompanying the video detracted from the overall beauty and message being conveyed.)

 

 

Update: This article, entitled “Know Your Baby”  appeared in The Irish Times on July 26, 2011. It  is a  fascinating exploration of Dr. Kevin Nugent’s work , and philosophy. Worth the read.

 

Take Care of Yourself

 

“As much as we want to do for and give to our children, we can’t pour into them when we’re running on empty. Every once in a while, and definitely more often than most of us do, we need to fill our own buckets. This looks different for each of us – walking, exercising, reading, writing, scrapbooking, Zumba – whatever it is, I’d encourage you to just do it! And not feel guilty about it…. Put on your own oxygen mask first! Self-care is not selfish. It simply enables you to breathe.” Tammi

KURDISTAN  Flowers Nature

I always thought the Peace Corps got it wrong; theirs isn’t “the toughest job you’re ever going to love”- parenting is! The airlines, on the other hand, got it right: if you’re traveling with a child, and an oxygen mask becomes necessary, you should secure your mask before turning your attention to your child’s needs. This is good advice for parenting in general.

Take care of yourself so that you can be present for, and take care of your child. Make sure you are well nourished, and well rested. (Take naps when your child does, if you can.) Don’t feel guilty about turning off the phone and the computer at times – the phone calls and messages will wait. Lower your expectations for yourself in terms of keeping a perfectly clean home and cooking gourmet meals. (Get ye to Trader Joe’s if you’ve got one near you.)

Ask your partner to pitch in with chores and childcare (and be gracious enough to allow him or her to do things his/her own way). Hire all the help you can afford, or if you can’t afford help, trade off an afternoon of childcare with another Mom, and/or ask family or friends to help out when you need it.

Buy yourself flowers, take deep breaths often, go to the park and talk to other Moms, or join a free on-line community. You know what it is that will best nurture and sustain you, and if you don’t, you need to figure it out. Then take/make time to do whatever it is that nurtures you on a regular basis.

Who really cares if your children are wearing two different colored socks when it comes right down to it? (They may be trend setters!) You can drive yourself crazy trying to maintain some perfect standard, or you can relax, and enjoy your time with your child. You can only do so much in a day. It’s important to figure out who and what is truly important to you, and focus your energy there. No guilt allowed! “Do less,enjoy more,” was Magda Gerber’s mantra, or would have been, had she had a mantra!

When times are hard, remind yourself that whatever it is, it will pass. While I don’t agree with time out for children, I highly recommend regular time out for adults! Here are a few ways to accomplish a time out for yourself when you are feeling impatient or at your wits end:

One way is to be honest and say to your child, “Things aren’t working right now. I feel impatient and need a break.” Once you’ve said this, take a break! Place your child in a safe place with some books and toys, take a deep breath, and make a cup of tea. Though I generally don’t advocate TV for young children, if you are not adverse to the idea, NOW is the time to pop in that 30 minute Sesame Street video.

Or, you can practice a technique a fellow colleague of mine calls Stop, Drop, and Roll (with the punches). When you feel yourself starting to lose perspective, ready to cry, or yell at your child, JUST STOP.

Stop trying to do whatever you were trying to do (or encourage your toddler to do), get down on the floor with her, and play for ten minutes. You can read a story, sing a song, do some yoga poses, or best of all, quietly observe your child and enjoy her.

Remind yourself that you love her. Remind yourself that whatever it is that seems so impossible in this moment will pass in time. When you are ready, start fresh again. It may sound crazy, but I know from experience and parent testimonials- “It works! It works!”

Another idea is to take the baby and get outside in nature. A simple walk around the block can do wonders for your mood, and for your child’s.

Remember, you are your child’s first role model and teacher. If you don’t pay attention to, and make it a priority to take time to take care of yourself, how can you expect to teach your child to focus, co-operate, and participate in her own self care?

For those who are parents of babies and young toddlers, and like to read, here are two books I recommend: Mama Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood, and  1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years, A Practical Guide For Parents and Caregivers

We aren’t born with the skills necessary to know how to parent our children well, and in many cases we haven’t had good role models ourselves. Even if we have had good role models, our parents may be deceased, or we may live far away from them.

It is so important for parents today to find a community, and not to live in isolation. Take advantage of every available resource open to you to gain information and support. There are free and low cost resources in every community- so you need not feel support and help are out of reach if you don’t have a lot of money.

Be good to yourself, and this will enable you to not just survive, but to thrive, and enjoy your child’s early years!

What ways you’ve found to nourish and take care of yourself as a parent? Please share!

Updated: October 2, 2012