This was a good reminder for me. It’s hard to be present and responsive and enjoy what’s right in front of us if our mind is full of thoughts and worries about other things. I wish I knew who to credit for this drawing, but I don’t. I found it on facebook, and tried to trace it to its origins, and while it appears in many places on the web, it’s always without attribution.
If I could draw even simple stick figures, I’d replicate it, but I’d depict an adult and a child walking together. I think small children are naturals when it comes to being fully present and engaged in the moment. This picture also reminds me of the importance and healing quality of spending time in nature, which can help to quiet our minds. I had the opportunity to experiment with quieting my mind and awakening my senses to all that was around me just two weeks ago during a hiking trip into the wilds of Big Sur. Each morning before beginning our hike, our leader would help to set a tone and focus our attention by reading a selected poem, and inviting us to join in a simple ritual of “bowing in”, after which we’d spend the first leg of our hike walking in silence.
When I studied with Magda Gerber, she often talked about the importance of the quality of attention adults brought to interactions with children. She stressed the necessity of slowing down, and really focusing, and bringing our full attention to the child.
In her post Magda Gerber’s Gift To Grown Ups, Janet Lansbury writes about two kinds of quality time we can spend with babies and toddlers:
“One of the gifts that I am most grateful for is Magda Gerber’s description of two types of ‘quality time.’ The first kind: “wants something” quality time is when we have a task to do with a baby like diapering, feeding, bathing, or clipping his toenails, and we challenge ourselves to slow down, ignoring our instinct to zip through it as quickly as possible. We try to focus on the experience, talking the baby through each step, asking for cooperation, sometimes dealing with resistance. It suddenly occurs to us, “What’s the rush? Is there anything more important than this time together right now? Why are these moments with a child any less important than his ‘play time’?” The child looks into our eyes as if to ask us what will happen next, and we realize that we are indeed having an intimate moment together.
The second kind of quality time, “wants nothing,” can encompass a wide range of experiences, but all we are asked to do is pay attention and have no agenda of our own. It can mean being quietly available as a baby explores patterns of light on a blanket beneath him, or standing nearby while he has a screaming meltdown because he cannot have another cookie. It may be trickier to see the benefit for parents and caregivers in this latter scenario, but it is clarity. When we pay full attention to our child for intervals each day, no matter what the tone of our exchange or the outcome is, we are giving him the quality time he needs. We are doing our job.”
Magda taught an exercise that I find helpful to this day in achieving this quiet, present state of mind. She suggested that before entering a parent/infant class, or before beginning a care giving task with babies, adults should take a moment to consciously slow down, and empty the contents of their minds into a basket (real or imaginary). Imagine depositing all of your worries, your lists of things that need to be done, your thoughts about what to make for dinner, into that basket, and saying to yourself, “I am leaving you here now, but I promise I’ll be back to pick you up soon.” It’s such a simple thing to do, but for me, has been very powerful.
Do you have a favorite way to bring yourself more fully into the present moment? Do you notice a difference in the way your baby or toddler responds when you are able to be more slow and focused in your interactions?
Janis Keyser, author of Becoming The Parent You Want To Be, opened her talkParenting Is A Journey by sharing that Laura Davis, who is the co-author of the book, lobbied hard for titling the book Become The Parent You Want To Be. Janis argued that they couldn’t name the book Become The Parent You Want To Be because “no one will ever do it.” She explained, “It’s impossible to become the parent you want to be, because parenting is a process, one that you approach day by day. It’s about becoming.” She noted that there really is no easy way to prepare to be a parent. “You can care for or teach other people’s children, but the real “training” comes once you become a parent. It’s on the job training, when you are sleep deprived and there is no time.” And if you are a parent to more than one child, “each child asks of you to be a different parent.”
Let Go of Perfection
Perfection is not the goal. It’s about letting go of perfection, and being with what is. “Children give us a second chance to see the world with fresh eyes.”
“Perfect parents are not useful for children, because perfect parents don’t model how you make a mistake, and what you do next.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I made a mistake. I will try to do that in a different way the next time.” Children think adults are so competent. They think you know everything. What a wonderful example you set when you model for them: “You can be as big and as competent as I am, and still be learning.”
Define Values
“HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.” A.A. Milne
Janis said this scene from a Winnie The Pooh story is a good analogy for parenting. You go bumping along from day to day doing the best you can. It may be the only way you know, but sometimes you may have an inking that there might be another way, if only you had a moment to stop and think about it! Learning about, and understanding how your child develops can help you, as can taking time to reflect on the values you want to teach. Take the time to stop for a moment and consider how you’d answer these two questions (we did this exercise in the workshop):
1) Imagine your your child as a twenty year old. If you asked him to complete the following sentence what would you want him to say? (Try to think of five things you’d want him to say he learned.) In my family I learned:
2) Now, can you think of one example, or one way that you transmitted one of these values to your child this week?
It can also be helpful to reflect upon what you learned in your family, and to ask yourself if these are values you want to pass on to your children. Often times, you may find you unconsciously parent exactly like your parents or exactly the opposite of your parents. You may find that you share similar values, but have a different way of teaching them. Janis, who is the mother of three, stepmother to five, and grandmother to many children, was reminded of this one day when her late husband said to her, “You can send your mother home now,” but her mother wasn’t visiting. Her husband’s words made Janis realize she was acting like her mother in a particular instance.
Our children learn from every single interaction they have with us, even the hard ones. We are always sending messages, both implicit and explicit through every exchange we have with our children. It’s not just our tone of voice and what we say that conveys our values, but also what we do, and the spirit in which we do it. To illustrate this point, Janis told a story about one of her daughters who had been going through an extended period of experiencing intense temper tantrums. Janis was feeling like nothing she was doing was helping her daughter. One day, in frustration, she asked her daughter what she could do to help her, because she didn’t know. Her daughter thought about it for a moment and said, “What you already do. Hold me. Keep me safe. Stay until I’m done. Listen to me.” Janis realized then that her daughter was getting the message she wanted to send, even though she was still struggling.
Janis’s four year old son once had a fascination with guns, and one day he constructed a toy gun out of legos, and came to show her. His explanation to her was that the gun he made shot the guns out of the bad guys’ hands and made them peaceful. At the age of four, her son understood that if he was going to talk with Janis about guns, the conversation somehow had to include peace.
Another time, her thirteen year old daughter wanted to attend a movie that Janis wasn’t sure was appropriate. As Janis was debating whether or not to let her daughter go to the movie, she suggested maybe she would go to the movie with her daughter. Her daughter”s response? “Mom you don’t need to go to the movie with me. Your voice is already in my head!”
On the Journey Together
Share Values Through Relationship
We tell our children what it is they can talk about through opening up the conversation, not through correcting, but through listening, and through sharing our own feelings. If we don’t talk about and share our feelings, then children learn not to talk about feelings. Janis talked about being a “champion crier” as a small child, yet as she grew up she internalized the message “Big girls don’t cry.” She was never told to stop crying, and her mother sometimes cried, but when her mother cried it was always clear that she was disappointed in herself . To this day, when Janis’s mother calls to talk with her, Janis is always “Fine!” (said with a great big smile), no matter how she feels or what is happening in her life.
We can show interest in our children’s experience, by trying to understand the thinking behind their thinking. “Tell me more.” “How do you think that happens?” The conversation between parent and child is ideally a give and take. When a Mom takes the time to slow down and share in her child’s fascination with watching a catepillar, this is seemingly a small gesture, but here are some of the messages the child might receive in that moment: “Simple shared moments can bring joy.” “What I notice is important.” ” What I am motivated by is interesting to those who love me.” “Sharing a discovery is even better than making a discovery on my own.” “I can learn more through patient observation than by quickly moving on.”
Understand Development and Embrace the Struggle
“There are a few things you can’t make a child do. You can’t make them eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. What you can do is set up the context, create the space, and provide rhythm, and predictability.”
Discipline is one of the greatest gifts we can give children. Boundaries can be created in a respectful and honoring way. “The reason children are given parents is so they can set limits because children don’t always have the experience to make all the best decisions at the moment.” They can learn to make good choices in time, with practice, and within the safe parameters parents provide. The key to setting a limit respectfully is to ask yourself “What is the good idea that my child has? What is she trying to express, and how can I help her to figure out how to express this idea in a positive way?” For instance, a child who is biting may be trying to express, “I’m teething, it hurts, and it feels really good to chomp on your arm.” Or maybe it’s, “I really want the toy you have in your hand.” Or maybe it’s, “I feel crowded when you get too close.” Or maybe it’s even, “I love you so much, I could just bite you!”
Acknowledge the good idea (what the child is trying to express). “You are feeling crowded. You want some space.” Give information: “You may move away, or tell Emily to stop if she’s coming too close.” Create safety using both physical and verbal boundaries: “I am here to help you and to keep everyone safe.” Place a hand between two children to prevent a bite. In the case of a child who is biting because of feeling crowded, maybe you stay close to provide narration, or set up a private, quiet space the child can retreat to, or maybe you avoid attending group events for a time. Give redirection and choices: “I can’t let you bite Emily, but you may bite one of these teething toys if you need to bite.” Acknowledge progress:”You were feeling frustrated when Emily got too close today, but you didn’t bite! You moved away!” Give the message, “I know you are learning and growing into a person who can express feelings and get your needs without hurting anyone.”
Redefine your role as a coach or facilitator. Honor the process, the struggle, the frustration. “What would it be like if your child was in the middle of a struggle and you were her cheerleader? Ask yourself if there is a way to help your child have a positive, deeply healthy relationship to their struggle, to their feelings, to ALL of them, not just the happy ones.” With your guidance, and modeling, your child can learn to move through feelings to find accomplishment on the other side, and “the next 100,000 times a struggle presents itself, they will have this experience to draw upon.”
In this post, I’ve shared the highlights of Janis Keyser’s April 24th,2012, talk, Parenting Is A Journey, given at The Third Place in Los Altos, California. Janis is a teacher, parent educator, program director and speaker who specializes in Early Childhood Development. She taught for 30 years in the Early Childhood Education Department at Cabrillo College and has been conducting workshops for parents and teachers for over 35 years. She is a nationally recognized speaker at parenting, family and child development conferences. She lives in Santa Cruz, California and is the mother of three, stepmother of five, and grandmother of many.
It was February 1998, when I attended a conference held by the New England Association for the Education of Young Children in Boston; the first ever focusing entirely on infant/toddler care and development. At the time I was an Infant Teacher at an employee-sponsored childcare center in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Diana Suskind, RIE Associate and professor at Fitchburg State College in Massachusetts, presented one of the workshops I was fortunate to participate in. Diana’s interactive workshop was an introduction to Magda Gerber’s Basic Principles as they applied in group care settings.What an eye opening experience this was for me!
Magda’s first book, Your Self Confident Baby, had recently been published and I went right out and purchased a copy and read it cover to cover that night. I couldn’t wait to get to work on Monday to introduce the book to my director and fellow teachers, and share with them what I was beginning to learn about respectful infant care. I hadn’t been so excited about going to work in a long time. I had been struggling with my conscience, feeling that despite having obtained a degree in Early Childhood Education, and despite years of caring for young children, I wasn’t truly giving the infants entrusted to me the best care possible. Something seemed to be missing, and I was often frustrated because I had no words to adequately express (even to myself) what this elusive”missing piece” was. That changed after reading Magda’s book. (Thank you Magda, for opening my eyes to a new way of seeing!)
Coincidentally (or not) on Tuesday of the following week, our center received a notice that a RIE 1 Intensive Training (Theory and Observation) was scheduled to occur in South Carolina in early April. My director approved my request to attend the training, along with that of another co-worker who was as excited as I was about learning more about Magda’s respectful way of being with and caring for babies.
I knew before I left South Carolina that where I wanted and needed to be next was in Silver Lake, California, the home of RIE. I wanted to learn to implement the philosophy through participating in Parent/Infant classes as a demonstrator (RIE 11). I returned to Boston determined to set this process in motion, even though my family and some of my friends believed I was “tilting at windmills” once again.
And so, that’s how I came to pack away and sell most of my belongings, leave my home, my friends, my boyfriend of two years, and a well paid, secure teaching position to come live at 1550 Murray Circle, as RIE’s newest resident intern. I drove 3,000 miles across the country with only a few clothes and books and my Kali-kitty in tow, and arrived in August 1998.
RIE Class- Would You Like to Join Me For Snack?
I came because I couldn’t silence the small voice that whispered “Somehow, you must continue on this path and find a way to share what you learn with others.” Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the depths to which my work at RIE would take me. It’s been a wonderful roller coaster of a ride- at different times joyful, scary, lonely, frustrating, exasperating, exciting, enlightening, challenging, satisfying, a labor of love, and always instructive on a deep soul level.
Yes, I honed my observation skills, and learned to prepare a safe, challenging play environment, and then to step back and allow the babies to lead the way, but the lessons went much deeper as I was gently (or not so gently) brought back to the awareness of, and need to examine myself.
I’ve often heard RIE 1 students comment, “I didn’t know RIE would be like therapy,” or parents say, “I didn’t know these classes would be about me!” In my quest to become a more sensitive attuned caregiver for babies I found I could only be as patient, accepting, and respectful with the children, parents, and other RIE students I encountered as I could be with myself. What a revelation!
And so, to Magda who leads by her example and who is the very embodiment of the principles she teaches, and to all of you who give so generously of your time and talents to RIE, to each of the RIE 1, 11, and 111 students I’ve worked with and assisted, and most of all to all of you who came and brought your most precious little ones to Parent/Infant Classes and opened the doors of your hearts and homes to me, I thank you. You have been my most important teachers. You are my hope, my joy, my inspiration, and the reason I refuse to give up the struggle when I am tired, and progress seems slow.
Bence , Me, and Magda
Magda, it is because of your example, and because of your quiet acceptance and trust in my learning process, through which I’ve sometimes stumbled and bumbled, that I’m beginning to learn to honor, respect, and trust in the unique pace and unfolding of each child and adult I meet. You’ve taught me the value of honoring the questions above having all the right answers. You’ve led me to examine the most hurt, stuck, judgmental places within myself, thus encouraging healing. Through this process, and my relationship with you, I am learning to accept myself as a perfectly imperfect human being, and at the same time, to become more accepting of the perfect imperfectness of life. These have been the true lessons and gifts of my time at RIE, the ones I will not forget, and will take with me in my heart.
With Love and Respect,
Lisa
Note: I wrote this letter upon completing the three part training (a process that took two years) to become a RIE Associate. This letter was originally published in Educaring, Volume 20, No. 5, Winter 2000. At the time, my plan was to return to Massachusetts to begin teaching Parent/Infant Classes in Cambridge. As it turned out, I ended up staying in California for another six years teaching and practicing RIE in a variety of settings, before moving back to Massachusetts and founding Regarding Baby. My relationship with Magda Gerber and my ongoing practice of RIE has led to profound meaning and joy in both my professional and personal life. My best friend, who happens to be Magda’s son, Bence Gerber (he teases that he’s my “other greatest love” – my work being the first), and I will be married this coming November, 2012. Magda passed from this life on April 27, 2007, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Bence and I are working on an interactive book to honor Magda and preserve her original words and teachings. If Magda touched your life in some way, please share your memories at Magda Gerber, Seeing Babies With New Eyes.
On February 15, 2012, I had the pleasure of (finally) meeting Susan Linn (and her puppet Audrey), at The Third Place in Los Altos, California. Susan began her talk, The Case For Make Believe, by sharing a bit about how she came to be “an activist and advocate for the rights and freedoms of children to play and to grow up without being undermined by the greed of corporations.”
During her talk, Susan explored three main questions: Why do children need to play? How is technology and media influencing their play? And what can we do about it? She began by explaining, “Play is the foundation upon which children build critical thinking skills, creativity, self regulation, delayed gratification, follow through, and the ability to wrestle with life and make it meaningful.”
“Losing — or never acquiring — the ability to play may not sound like much until you realize that play is both the foundation of learning and essential to mental health. Initiative, curiosity, active exploration, problem solving and creativity are capacities that develop through play, as are the more ephemeral qualities of self-reflection, empathy, and the ability to find meaning in life.”
We know that babies are born with an intrinsic drive and ability to participate in relationships, to learn, and to actively engage in understanding their world and the people in it through their own exploration and play. There is an impressive and ever growing body of research that supports the belief that in the first years of life, beginning at birth, optimal intellectual, social and emotional development occurs through a baby’s direct engagement with his world and the people in it. Dr. Linn said, “As human beings, we need to make meaning of things, and we do this through play.” (Magda Gerber developed the basic principles of Resources For Infant Educarers (RIE) on exactly these beliefs.)
Susan continued, “It would seem that as a society, we are doing everything in our power to discourage or undermine children’s play. Witness: academics in preschool,”teaching to the test”, art, music, drama, and physical education programs disappearing from our schools, recess being cut, over scheduled children, free play being replaced by organized sports and formal lessons, outdoor play disappearing due to fear (stranger danger), and the ubiquitous and widespread use of screen media (A Vinci Touchscreen Mobile Learning Tablet for babies, anyone?) beginning in infancy.”
One of CCFC’s goals is to stop companies from luring babies to screens by making unfounded claims that their products are educational. CCFC encourages parents to follow the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation to keep babies and toddlers under the age of two away from screen media.
Whether you choose to allow your baby to watch TV or not, Susan Linn believes you, as a parent, have the following rights:
a right to decide when to introduce your children to screen media.
a right to accurate information about the pros and cons of that choice.
a right to raise children without being undermined by commercial interests.
Which brings us to Baby Einstein and Disney. As reported in the New York Times, “Baby Einstein, founded in 1997, was one of the earliest players in what has become a huge electronic media market for babies and toddlers. Acquired by Disney in 2001, the company expanded to a full line of books, toys, flashcards and apparel, along with DVDs including “Baby Mozart,” “Baby Shakespeare” and “Baby Galileo.”
By targeting babies, companies are marketing not just products but lifelong habits, values and behaviors — hardwiring dependence on media before babies even have a chance to grow and develop and removing them further and further from the very experiences that are essential for healthy development. Susan Linn
CCFC filed a complaint with the U.S. Federal Trade Commission against Disney and Brainy Baby for false and deceptive marketing of baby media in 2006. In response, Disney offered refunds of $15.99 for up to four “Baby Einstein” DVDs per household, purchased between June 5, 2004, and Sept. 5, 2009, and returned to the company. Although the company admitted no wrong doing, the New York Times said “the unusual refunds appear to be a tacit admission that they did not increase infant intellect.”
For a simple demonstration of how children’s creative play may be influenced and truncated by rampant commercialization and early exposure to screens, I invite you to participate in the following brief play exercise. (Susan Linn did a similar demonstration during the talk I attended.)
Interesting to note: When I showed this video clip to 36 month old J. (without the sound and without any prompting questions), when he saw the first toy he said, “Hey, that’s a froggy. A Daddy froggy who says ‘Ribbit Ribbit’, and I play with him.” When he saw the second toy, he said, “I ride him. He’s a horsie who says ‘Neigh’, and he chomps!” When, he saw the third he said, “Hey, that’s Elmo, but why he’s not singing ‘La La La, La, La, La’?”
Susan asserts, “The best toys are 10% toy and 90% child. This means the toy just lies there until the child picks it up and makes it do something. And yet, the best selling toys are 5% child, and 95% toy (think:Tickle Me Elmo). Babies aren’t born thinking Elmo is important- babies are trained to have Elmo be important.”
(Speaking of early “training”– in January of 2011, Disney reached a new low by trying to “brand” babies at birth by “hiring Our365–a newborn photography service/marketing firm–to promote its new Disney Baby line in maternity hospitals around the country. Moms who request a newborn portrait during their hospital stay are pitched Disney Baby by their photographer, given a branded onesie, and encouraged to sign up for email alerts from DisneyBaby.com.”)
Again, Susan’s words echo Magda Gerber’s who believed children should be the “main producers, script writers, and actors” in their own play, as Janet Lansbury explains in Better Toys for Busy Babies:
Magda Gerber believed in “busy babies rather than busy toys”. She suggested we keep toys simple so that our babies could investigate them thoroughly, use them imaginatively in multiple ways, and be encouraged to be active explorers. As she explains in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “…entertaining kinds of toys (such as mobiles or, later on, wind-up toys or battery-operated items) cause a passive child to watch an active toy. This trains the child to expect to be amused and entertained and sets the scene for later TV watching.”
Alas, CCFC, along with the American Academy of Pediatrics and many early childhood professionals and play advocates, including me, are facing an uphill struggle, not only against corporate marketers, but with reaching parents with this crucial message.
Consider these statistics quoted by Dr. Linn: 19% of babies have TVS in their bedrooms, 40% of three month old babies are regular viewers of TV, and 90% of children under the age of two years old have some involvement with screens.
This, despite the fact that there is “NO EVIDENCE, NONE that TV viewing is educational,” and “recent research indicates screen time for babies may be habit forming, contribute to sleep disturbances, inhibit the development of language, contribute to attention deficits, and leave less time for hands-on, active and creative play, or fewer interactions with parents. Another concern is that “screen-saturated babies will never learn how to soothe or amuse themselves independently.”
The question that most interests me is this one:Why do loving, conscientious, well intentioned parents ignore the AAP guidelines? Susan has conjectured,
“Today’s overworked, over stressed, under-supported parents don’t really want to hear that videos such as Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby are not educational and that screen time may even be harmful. By believing they’re beneficial, parents can justify using electronic media to get what may be a much-needed break from hands-on child care.”
Further, many parents DO believe that shows like Sesame Street, and videos like Baby Einstein and the ilk are educational, and some fear that their babies may be left out or left behind if they don’t have access to them, a point poignantly brought home to me when I was working as the supervisor of an Infant/Toddler Center and a young Mom came to ask me if I knew of anyone at the Center who had purchased the Baby Einstein videos and would maybe allow her to borrow them to make copies, so she could show them to her young son. This Mom shyly explained that she and her husband spoke only Spanish to their baby at home, and they had no income to spare to purchase videos, but she wanted her baby to have the advantages that other children had, and she felt the videos would help her baby learn to speak English better than she and her husband could. I was happy to be able to help her to understand that her baby wasn’t missing out on a thing by not having access to such videos.
Susan concluded her talk by saying,”This is an issue for our society, not just an individual issue. We pass on our values with the stories we tell, and the toys we give children. We tell them- ‘We like this.’ ‘This is what men and women should aspire to.’ ”
But do we want to buy the bill of goods corporate America is selling to us and our children? It’s an important question to consider, especially since our “boys are being sold violence”, and our “girls are being sold princess culture and sexualization.” It’s a somewhat bleak picture, but not one that we can’t change if we choose. Let’s return childhood and play to our children, shall we?
If you are interested in learning more, or wondering what you can you do to support, encourage, and protect your baby’s innate ability to play and learn without the use of screen media, or undue influence from corporate marketers, here are some suggestions and resources:
1) Become aware and informed. CCFC offers reliable, trustworthy information through their web site and newsletter, and an incredible number of free resources for families, educators, and advocates, outlining what the issues are, and offering ways to be proactive in fighting the over commercialization of childhood. They also offer resources for families and educators who wish to be intentional and conscious in the use of screen media with children.
2) Consider following the American Academy of Pediatrics’ advice, and don’t expose children under the age of two to any TV at all. Limit TV viewing and screen time for preschool aged children to no more than one hour per day of educational programming, and try to watch with them, if you do allow them to watch.
3) If you are a parent struggling with the question of how to keep the TV off while still managing to cook a meal or take a breath once in awhile, I can’t recommend Janet Lansbury’s posts No Need For TV, Baby, and A Creative Alternative to TV Time, highly enough. She gives concrete, solid guidance and suggestions that help to address the very real dilemma parents face.
4) Consider purchasing toys, books, clothing, food, diapers, and accessories that do not feature Disney, Sesame Street, or other cartoon characters. Look here for good ideas about toys for babies and young children that are 10% toy, and 90% child.
5) You can watch the documentary Consuming Kids for free online.
6) Don’t put a TV in your child’s bedroom, and don’t turn on the TV during meal-times.
7) Consider participating in Screen Free Week (which falls on April 30th – May 6th this year). Susan says it’s not necessary to give up the use of all screens for the week in order to participate, although CCFC will “go dark” on their site, facebookpage, and twitter account for the week. You can use Screen Free Week as an opportunity to evaluate and assess your family’s use of screen media, and to experiment with ways to enjoy time together as a family without the distraction of screens. For the first time ever, CCFC is offering a free organizers kit. Get yours today!
8) Finally, I invite you to share your thoughts, challenges, resources, and what has worked for your family in the comments below.
This post is inspired by two of my greatest heroes, inspirations, and teachers; two amazing women who have touched and changed my life, my way of thinking, and my very way of being in the world, through their friendship and example, their words, their work, their very unique way of seeing babies and communicating their understanding and vision to others.
One of these women is Magda Gerber who began introducing a simple but revolutionary idea to parents and caregivers in the United States through the organization (Resources For Infant Educarers or RIE) she founded in the 1970’s. Magda advocated for treating babies as whole and competent people from birth on. “We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not as an object.”
The other person is Janet Lansbury, who came to know Magda when she was a young mother herself, through participating in one of Magda’s parent infant classes with her first baby (who is now a young adult). Magda and Janet became very dear friends over the years, as Janet went on to continue to study with Magda, and to become a RIE Associate and serve on the RIE Board of Directors. Today, Janet is a skilled and experienced practitioner, teacher, and writer in her own right, and a champion for respectful caregiving and understanding of babies. Janet also has extreme compassion for parents and what a difficult job parenting can be, and she shares unique, profound guidance and support with thousands who would never otherwise have access to Magda’s message, through her weekly blog posts and the use of social media.
In November, near the end of 2011, Janet’s post, The Secrets of Infant Learning was nominated by another passionate advocate for young children, Teacher Tom, as Most Influential Post of the Year in the Edublog Awards, “a community based incentive started in 2004 in response to community concerns relating to how schools, districts and educational institutions were blocking access of learner and teacher blog sites for educational purposes. The purpose of the Edublog awards is to promote and demonstrate the educational values of these social media. The best aspects include that it creates a fabulous resource for educators to use for ideas on how social media is used in different contexts, with a range of different learners. It introduces us all to new sites that we might not have found if not for the awards process.”
In his nomination Tom said:
“Being a preschool teacher, I’m around a lot of newborns, not as their teacher, but hopefully their future teacher, as they come to school to drop off their older siblings. My standing joke had always been to look under their little blankies and say, “Come back to me when you can walk and talk, then we can be friends.” I’ve not said it since discovering parent educator Janet Lansbury’s self-named blog. Inspired by the work of Magda Gerber (for whom she is an important evangelist) Janet has changed my entire way of thinking about babies and very young children, giving me insight into the brilliance and competency of our youngest humans. It’s almost impossible to pick out one post to nominate in this category, nearly every one of them pierces into some core truth about young children and our relationships with them, but the one that had the most impact on me was The Secrets of Infant Learning. The video she shares of a baby scientist at work, and her careful observations, belies so many of my long held assumptions about infants that it’s like she’s opened a door to a whole new world. A close runner up for me is the post Don’t Cramp Your Toddlers Style — The Power of Trust in which a little girl inspires by just lying on a beach. Holy cow!”
Janet’s nomination and contribution was unique in that hers was the only one that represented and spoke to the particular ways babies and toddlers learn, and the ways in which parents and caregivers can understand and honor these needs. The post ended up being voted third among the top five most influential posts of the year. Yea, Janet! Score one for babies and toddlers everywhere!
In her most recent post, Janet writes :
“Will 2012 be the Year of the Baby? I’m hoping, yes. Perhaps this will be the year that babies are finally acknowledged as uniquely capable, full-fledged people. Maybe parents and caregivers will realize that babies are born knowing something about their development and can be trusted to demonstrate readiness for developmental milestones by “doing them”.”
Today, on her facebook page Janet hosted a lively conversation which began with a question from a parent. I believe parts of this conversation bear repeating here. The question from Candace: “Do you have any posts you wrote or bookmarked on constantly seeing adults mistreat children in the subtle “socially accepted” ways of our society? The arm jerk, the “Sit down and be quiet, don’t make me mad,” kind of thing. It pains me so greatly now that I’ve had this paradigm shift to respectful and relationship-based parenting. I feel disturbed and even heartbroken when I’m out and about in shops or playgrounds, restaurants. I don’t particularly care about how they are caring for their children in terms of formula/breastfeeding, carriers, toys, attachment, sleeping arrangements, etc, but the lack of respect thing gets to me like nothing else!”
Lucinda replied: “I have been involved with early childhood education for 30 years. Some of the people we entrust our children to are also practicing this “socially acceptable” disrespect of children. It may not be the physical treatment, but verbal and non-verbal (ignoring, “evil eye”, etc.) My mission is to increase awareness, to create a way to bring this to the forefront… my website is under construction, but asks the question, “How do we want this world to be?” We’ve got to take a close look at how we treat our children soon. They become the ones in charge, the ones to make choices. We need them to be healthy mentally as well as physically. We need them to know how to be in healthy relationship with others, how to work together, how to respect each other, how to care and understand, how to take another’s perspective. This does not come easy to someone who has not felt or experienced this as a young child!”
Janet’s response: “I think we have to keep talking, writing, sharing about this… Just the other day I read a post by a blogger I admire who mentioned in her opening paragraph that when our children become toddlers (and she meant 2 years old) we are finally dealing with a PERSON. What happened to those first couple of years???? I didn’t comment because I actually appreciated the rest of the article, but no one else mentioned it either, which made me realize that the idea of babies being “less than people” is totally acceptable! If babies aren’t people, why would we bother to treat them the way we would like to be treated? And there are many who don’t see children of any age as real people yet. We’ve got to change this societal perception…”
My two cents: Candace, I understand how difficult it is for you to see children treated in subtly disrespectful ways. Once your eyes have been opened to a new way of seeing and being with young children, there is no going back. (One of my pet peeves is when adults hold toddlers by their arms instead of by their hands when walking with them. Not something that’s considered “abusive” by any means- some toddler teachers even do it, but it makes me cringe.)
A few months ago, I attended a school function with the six year old I’m a nanny for, and I witnessed a young mother roughly yank her baby (who was about a year old) by one arm, and shove him back into the carrier she was using to contain him. The baby had been clamoring to get down, and when she put him down, he started to toddle off, and she reprimanded him in a harsh tone three times before yanking him back into the carrier. (This was at an outdoor harvest festival.) I just stared at her. No one else around me even seemed to register what had just happened.
What I have learned, is that sometimes I can help both a parent and a child by speaking kindly to the parent, and/or offering a helping hand. Sometimes it’s not possible to do anything except to make eye contact with the child, and beam loving understanding. I know that sounds weird. Maybe it’s because I am always so aware of and tuned into the young children around me, but often, when I’m in public places young children seek me out, even if it’s only to make eye contact. I think it’s because babies and toddlers are so aware, but so often just ignored or overlooked in public- they really sense when someone is tuned in, and there is a communication that can happen, even without words.
I’m really careful to let the child make first contact and set the pace of the interaction, because the other injustice small children are subjected to in public is the patronizing, “Aww aren’t you cute? How old are you? Can I pat your head?” type of response. I don’t know what any of us can do about it, except what we’re doing… becoming aware, remaining aware, modeling for others, trying to raise awareness through talking, writing, sharing… It’s my dream, like Janet’s and Magda Gerber’s before her, and so many others like you, that together, we can make a difference for babies. The change has to come at a societal level as well as at an individual level. We really are in need of a “Year of The Baby!” It’s my reason for waking up and doing what I do every day.
It’s the beginning of a new year. What do you hope for in this coming year for yourself, for your children, for our world, and the world our children will inherit? Whatever you wish for, it will not come to be until we have achieved a paradigm shift at both the individual and societal level that begins with respecting, understanding and treating babies as unique individuals and whole people from the moment of their birth. Will you join me in spreading the word and making 2012 the “Year of The Baby?” Together we can start a revolution. The time is now.
Endless lists of things to do, an avalanche of unanswered e-mail and phone calls, piles of dirty laundry, and a sink full of dirty dishes, not to mention dust bunnies so big I wouldn’t be able to distinguish them from the cat if she wasn’t so loud and insistent on receiving her fair share of attention. (At least the dust bunnies are quiet.) Long days with children and lots of late nights trying to do everything else I want to and need to. And please don’t even mention the shopping, and the decorating, and the baking, and the card writing that I haven’t started to do, with the holidays being – yikes– less than two weeks away. There’s no “me” time in there anywhere. In fact, it doesn’t feel like there is time to take a breath most days. I’ve been feeling tired, irritable, and overwhelmed.(Does this sound familiar to anyone? ) And yet….
He leads. I follow.
Today there was this: The sun was shining, and the air was crisp. He was on his trike, riding ahead of me. I followed behind on foot, my mind a million miles away. We were on our way to pick his sister up from school. As he pedaled, he exclaimed over the Christmas bulbs some of the neighbors had hung on the branches of their bushes. He stopped, and pointed to to a large maple tree in a yard across the street, and asked, “Lisa, why doesn’t that tree have any leaves on it anymore?” “Because the leaves fall from the tree in the winter, and grow back again in the spring,” I answered. “Oh! That’s why!” And he was off again. Suddenly he burst into song at the top of his lungs. “It’s A Small World After All.” Completely immersed in song, in the moment, unaware that his energy, his song, his pure joy in being, had pulled me into the moment with him. I found myself grinning, and I wasn’t the only one.
A Mom who was getting out of her car stopped for a moment, and watched him, and when she caught my eye, I saw she was grinning too. And then a Dad. And another Mom, and a Grandma. We all slowed down, following him like he was the pied piper, sharing smiles with each other, until we got to the “big” crosswalk that leads across the street to the school. The one manned by the kind, but gruff school crossing guard. We all stopped to wait for the light to turn, while J. continued his song. I saw the guard’s face soften and I do believe his eyes twinkled. As we crossed the street, someone said “I feel like I’m in a parade,” and when we got to the other side, someone else thanked J. for “singing” us across. It was truly a magical moment in an ordinary day, and I found myself feeling refreshed and renewed.
Once again, it was a small child who reminded me that slowing down, observing, and being present in the moment is not just a gift we can give to the little people in our lives, but one we can give to ourselves too, by following their lead.
“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” Eddie Cantor
What moments have you enjoyed with your children today?
InAlways A Bundle of Joy, (at Positive Parenting: Toddlers And Beyond) the author asks, “Do you think all the labels we have pinned on young children, such as “brats” and “terrible twos” and “tyrannical threes” may have distorted our lens through which we view them?”
I think if you are a parent, caregiver, or teacher of young children, the way that you parent, care, or guide, is governed by (sometimes unconscious) beliefs you hold about the children in your care. Even parents who claim to eschew parenting philosophies and follow their instincts, are acting out of underlying beliefs about what they think young children are like, and what they need.
Trouble? It depends on how you see him.
This is why I begin almost every workshop I do by asking parents, caregivers, or teachers to complete a few simple sentences: Babies are _____________. Babies need _______________. Toddlers are _____________. Toddlers need ____________. I ask workshop participants to spend about ten minutes completing this exercise, writing down the first ideas that come to mind. We then go around the room and share our answers. Generally, this leads to a lively discussion, and people are often quite surprised to discover their own biases, and how strongly their beliefs impact their approach to caring for and interacting with children.
If we change our beliefs, we change the way we act. If we change the way we act, we change the outcomes we get. It’s as simple as that. Even when we can’t change the outcome immediately, the way we think about what’s happening can lead us to a more (or less) powerful, peaceful place from which to respond. (For instance, babies cry, and sometimes we don’t know why, nor can we easily soothe them. Depending on our beliefs about why a baby cries, what the cry means, and what a crying baby needs, we will respond in different ways and more or less calmly, even if we can’t easily soothe the baby.) I’ve been reflecting on this simple truth lately, and have been collecting some words of wisdom to inspire me in my daily work with children. I’d like to offer the following as food for thought:
There are hundreds of different images of the child. Each one of you has inside yourself an image of the child that directs you as you begin to relate to a child. This theory within you pushes you to behave in certain ways; it orients you as you talk to the child, listen to the child, observe the child. It is very difficult for you to act contrary to this internal image. For example, if your image is that boys and girls are very different from one another, you will behave differently in your interactions with each of them.
The environment you construct around you and the children also reflects this image you have about the child. There’s a difference between the environment that you are able to build based on a preconceived image of the child and the environment that you can build that is based on the child you see in front of you – the relationship you build with the child, the games you play.
Yesterday, I came across this quote that is so profound, I want to share it in its entirety here:
when we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life, childhood is life. a child isn’t getting ready to live – a child is living. the child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, “what are you going to be?” courageous would be the youngster who, looking the adult squarely in the face, would say, “i’m not going to be anything; i already am.” we adults would be shocked by such an insolent remark for we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born. childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life. no child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied him by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation.
how much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize the child as a partner with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing him as an apprentice. how much we would teach each other…adults with the experience and children with the freshness. how full both our lives could be. a little child may not lead us, but at least we ought to discuss the trip with him for, after all, life is his and her journey, too.”
– professor t. ripaldi
Finally, Janet Lansbury offers this insight borne out of her experience:
One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned since becoming a mom– reinforced by observing hundreds of other parents and babies interact — is that there is a self-fulfilling prophecy to the way we view our babies. If we believe them to be helpless, dependent, needy (albeit lovely) creatures, their behavior will confirm those beliefs. Alternatively, if we see our infants as capable, intelligent, responsive people ready to participate in life, initiate activity, receive and return our efforts to communicate with them, then we find that they are all of those things.I am not suggesting that we treat infants as small adults. They need a baby’s life, but they deserve the same level of human respect that we give to adults.
What do you think? Do you think the image we hold of a child makes a difference in how we treat them? Do you think children “live into” our expectations (even if they are unspoken)? What images do you hold of babies and toddlers? What labels do you assign to them or to their behavior? Do you have any favorite quotes to share about the way we see children, and how our thinking might guide our actions, and impact the response we receive? I’d love it if you’d share!
Names are an important key to what a society values. Anthropologists recognize naming as ‘one of the chief methods for imposing order on perception.’ ~David S. Slawson
Meet jeannezoo of zella said purple. In her own words, Jeanne is “an early childhood educator, artist, writer, book collector. committed to constructivist learning environments, documentation and photography as teacher research tools, and joy in the classroom.” Jeanne recently wrote a beautiful post entitled because it is your name , which inspired me to write this one.
In her post, Jeanne says,
KNOW that each name is important – the way it is pronounced and the respect it deserves.
The name IS the child that you are inviting, welcoming, and including into the family that is your classroom.
Uplift the names, uplift each child.
This reminded me of a conversation I once had with Magda Gerber about the importance of calling each child by their name. Magda felt that it was especially important for early childhood professionals (teachers, nannies, pediatricians, etc.) to address even the tiniest babies by their given names, as opposed to calling them by pet, or nicknames. To Magda, it was a question of respect. In our society, it’s still common for many, even professionals, to address both the very young and the elderly, using nicknames or pet names, which is disrespectful for two reasons; it both diminishes a person, and implies an intimacy and a power differential that should not exist.
As a teacher of young children, I’ve often witnessed that sometime around their second year, when toddlers are typically asserting their sense of individuality, they will insist on being called by their names, even by their nearest and dearest. Pet names won’t fly. Just last week, I was at the park and I overheard an exchange between two siblings. The big sister (maybe five years old) was comforting her little brother who had just taken a minor tumble from the slide. She sweetly offered to help him get up, asked him if he was OK, gave him a hug (which he returned) , and then she said, “I’m sorry my wee little sweetie fell and got hurt.” This seemed to offend and upset the little boy more than the fall had. He straightened up to his full height and indignantly declared: “I NOT wee sweetie, I Zwackery ( Zachery) !”
A favorite quote by Dr. Seuss comes to mind, “A person is a person, no matter how small.” And, I might add, no matter how young or old, and thus -deserves the respect of being addressed by his or her given name, instead of as “dear” or “sweetie” or “munchkin” or “baby” or “cutie”.
Because after all, our names are unique unto us, and define who are. I have many roles in my life- that of daughter, sister, student, teacher, caregiver, friend, lover, fiance – but I define myself to myself first and foremost by my name- Lisa.
Words have meaning and names have power. ~Author Unknown
For the same reason I try to avoid labeling children, or talking about them in their presence without acknowledging or including them in the conversation, I try to call each child I meet by their given name. Over the years, I’ve had the honor of caring for and teaching many children, and I remember each one of them by name.
Over time, I have also become very aware of how I am thinking about and describing children, both to myself and others. One day, a Mom who was frustrated with her young daughter was describing her as “clumsy, oafish, a little like a bull in a china shop.” I replied that I didn’t think of her that way at all. I thought of her as delightfully exuberant. Her Mom got tears in her eyes as she thanked me, saying, “You always seem to find and see the best in every child.” ( I try, but I’m not perfect, and I don’t always get it right.)
But doesn’t it make a difference in the way you feel about, and interact with a child if you use these words to describe his behavior:
“He knows his own mind, and is decisive. He needs my help to understand that sometimes others have different ideas and feelings about things.”
As opposed to using these words:
“He is obstinate and stubborn, and needs to learn that what he wants is not the only thing that matters.”
My favorite story about my name and my professional title? I’ve always felt there is no good name to describe my current chosen work – babysitter, nanny, caregiver- none of them feel quite right, or really fit. Magda Gerber came closest to accurately describing the work I do, when she coined the term “educarer” which could apply to either a parent or a professional- anyone involved in caring for a child or children on a day-to-day basis. The term embodies the notion that ” we educate (or teach) as we care, and we care while we educate.”
But in this case, I have to tip my hat to S., who is now almost six years old, and for whom I have been caring since she was just under a year old. When S. was three and a half years old, she started attending a preschool program a few hours a day, in the mornings. When I would arrive to pick her up every day, she’d inevitably be out back playing, and several of her little friends would run to find her, calling out, ” S, your Mom is here.” S. simply replied, “That’s not my Mom, that’s my Lisa,” which the other children seemed to understand, and accept immediately. And thus, I became known as “S.’s Lisa.” When S. started Kindergarten last year, she was thrilled to find another of her classmates had a “Lisa” too. The best job “review” I ever received? “Everyone should be lucky enough to have a Lisa like you.”
I’d love it if you’d share your thoughts with me about “the meaning of words and the power of names.”
Newborn babies communicate with us from birth, in a language all their own. Their body posture, cries, subtle changes in expression, even the reflexes they are born with, speak volumes, but it can be a little bit hard to “understand” a baby’s way of “speaking” if you haven’t spent a lot of time hanging out with them. Well, thanks to the new book Your Baby Is Speaking To You, avisual guide to the amazing behaviors of your newborn and growing baby, by Doctor Kevin Nugent, with photographs by Abelardo Morell, decoding your baby’s subtle cues just might be a little easier and less perplexing. As a professional “baby watcher” I was captivated by this absolutely gorgeous photographic exploration of what a baby’s early postures and communications convey. This is a resource that I will be adding to my recommended books, and giving often as a gift to new and expectant parents. I highly recommend this book to professionals working with newborns and their parents, as well.
Written in a clear, accessible, non-judgmental tone, each two page spread explores a different aspect of a baby’s “language” from sleeping to crying, to eating, to yawning, and more, by juxtaposing a photograph on one side of the page, with a brief explanation illuminating the meaning on the opposite page.From the Introduction:
“Whether it is an arching of the eyebrows or a furrowing of the brow, a splaying of the fingers or a tightening of the leg muscles, these signals are the “words” or “phrases” your baby uses to communicate, the phonemes of his first language, his first words. These behavioral signals are not random: they convey messages , provide information, and tell you what kind of caregiving your baby needs to grow and develop, what he likes or prefers, and what he does not like. Your Baby Is Speaking to You, will tell you how to watch for and interpret all these signals.”
Take a peek inside the book here, but be forewarned, if you’re noise sensitive, you might want to turn the volume off first. (When I showed this clip to a friend, he commented that the “awful sound” accompanying the video detracted from the overall beauty and message being conveyed.)
Update: This article, entitled “Know Your Baby” appeared in The Irish Times on July 26, 2011. It is a fascinating exploration of Dr. Kevin Nugent’s work , and philosophy. Worth the read.
Note: This post was originally published as a note on Regarding Baby’s Facebook page on Sunday, December 26, 2010.
Kathleen atamoment2think recently wrote a post entitled, “Another fun toddler stage: Up?! Up?!” that started me thinking about toddlers with all of their conflicting wants, needs, and emotions. It can be both wonderful and hard to live with, love, and nurture a toddler. Kathleen’s post reminded of a song- one that I call the “We” song. The lyrics are simple. The words, “Me, Me, Me, You, You, You, We, We, We, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, No, No, Maybe, Maybe, Maybe,” alternate throughout, and the song ends “I love you.”
This song seems like a good reminder that in any relationship, there are always two people, two points of view, and sometimes, conflicting wants and needs. Ideally, in the adult/child dyad, adults are always seeking to understand and validate a child’s feelings , without sacrificing their own needs to the point of feeling resentful, angry, or just too depleted to give anymore. It’s about finding that sweet, peaceful place where we can rest together comfortably and safely – momentarily anyway.
Toddlers often have big emotions, and sometimes, big wants and needs. They aren’t yet ready or able to take the point of view or empathize with others, at least not often or consistently! Some days, loving them can be exhausting. Being a good parent or teacher does not mean giving in to a toddler’s every demand. In fact, it can be more loving (and necessary) to say “No” at times, even if that means a crying child in the short term.
What I hope to help parents (and others) understand is that we offer children a gift when are honest, and clear with them about our limitations and boundaries within the context of the trusting relationship we have with them. Magda Gerber said, “In the beginning, we co-operate more with the the baby. Slowly, and over time, we ask for more co-operation and understanding from them.”
I think raising babies to become loving, co-operative, thoughtful, giving, children and adults who are able to articulate their needs and wants clearly, while also understanding that there are two in a relationship, begins with me, you, yes, no, and sometimes-maybe. That and trying to keep a good sense of humor through all of the ups and downs on the way to “We.” What do you think?
