If Attachment Parenting Isn’t Working, Try This…

Note: On November 19, 2012, I shared a link on my Facebook page, which resulted in a rich conversation exploring  Attachment Parenting and other alternatives (specifically, the RIE Approach developed by Magda Gerber) that parents and caregivers might choose to care for their babies and young children. Four days later, the original post continued to generate interest and comments, with over 1,781 views, 596 engaged users, 83 comments, 42 likes, and 3 shares. Obviously, this post has tapped into something deeply important to many, which is why I felt it would be worthwhile to transcribe it here.

Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby: There’s more than one good way to nurture a baby. I’m sure this is going to be controversial, but please read with an open mind. This is one mother’s story about her experience with attachment parenting, and what led her to seek an alternative that worked better for her and her family.

“Not only had attachment parenting led me down a path to crazed sleep deprivation and chronic back pain, but I spent most of those first two years feeling guilty about my failures as a mother. After all, AP babies enjoy better behavior, development, and learning skills – but what happens when Attachment Parenting methods are a disaster?” Why We Ditched Attachment Parenting – Emily,of  Holistic Squid

 

“I know that many folks love attachment parenting, but co-sleeping and babywearing did NOT work for us. I think it’s important that new parents aren’t bullied into thinking AP is the only way to parent.”  Emily, Holistic Squid
Clare Caro: It’s such a shame that people think of ‘Attachment’ as babywearing and co-sleeping. Look at all the children from Dr. Pikler’s orphanage in Budapest, not a single sling or bed shared and ALL attached. I’ll put my neck out on the line here and say that the children from Loczy were more attached than a child in a typical ‘AP’ family.
Pennie Brownlee: My experience also.

Sydney Steiner: There is a difference between AP and Bowlby’s Attachment theory Clare. People get confused about that I think, and I agree with you. I also agree with this article and have written a similar post about this. I have an “attached” baby who falls asleep on his own and who is rarely carried around. He also has a mother who is happy, well-rested, and not in constant back pain.

Ronda Nelson: Really, CIO (Cry It Out)? No need to read any further.

Lisa Sunbury: Ronda, If you don’t read, how can you understand- or judge?

Jessica Jarrett: Ronda Nelson, you should not judge as you were not there and do not know what it was like to be there and what CIO meant to them.

Clare Caro: I wonder, is for one person to leave another to ‘cry it out’ respectful behavior?

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, What do you think?

Jessica Jarrett: Our daughter would have none of it. She hated being worn and won’t sleep with us. She self-weaned the day before her 1st birthday. At first, I felt bad about it all but to be honest I don’t mind one bit now that I am not in the middle of the situation anymore (hindsight is amazing). We did what our baby wanted.

When our darling daughter was 6 months we had to let her cry for 29 minutes one time to get her to sleep on her own (We had a 30-minute window of crying until we would go get her.) and since then she has been wonderful at bedtime and she is now 14 months. I desperately did not want to do it but there was no choice in my mind. Up to that point, we would swaddle her and walk around for 1.5 hours in the dark while bobbing up and down and she would thrash around and it just kept getting harder and harder (almost dropped her and decided no more!). I dreaded bedtime every night and did not think that is how it was supposed to be…I wanted to love my child, not be scared of her.

We are always there for her and support her in every way so I think that we are doing our own version of AP.

Catherine Courtemanche Van Arnam: Lisa, this is great! Sometimes speaking the truth requires bravery, you continue to be a respectful, kind, and thoughtful kind of brave.

Lisa Sunbury: Catherine, Thank you…Sometimes I don’t know if it’s brave, or just crazy, but I’m committed to thoughtfully and honestly exploring and honoring all points of view…

Morgan Hyde Nahanee: Just another example of why it’s so important to do what’s best for you and your family not simply ‘follow’ one school of parenting ideals. I firmly believe we can connect with our children in so many ways. It’s hard for me to imagine only following someone else’ s path trying to get to that point.

Sydney Steiner: Love, Respect, and Disagreement: “I don’t have to agree with you to love and respect you. This is a phrase that I have been pondering lately. I find that it applies to two areas in my motherhood, my relationship to children and especially my relationship with other parents, caregivers, and friends.”

Lindsay Hennings: I have 2 children and we are AP parents in that we don’t CIO (Cry It Out). My first was easy. Rarely cried and slept through the night on his own. I didn’t do anything. He was just easygoing. The second baby is a different story. It didn’t matter what I did. At 20 months he still isn’t a good sleeper. He weaned at 6 months so his sleep issues aren’t from waking to nurse constantly. So I really think it depends on the child. Some are easygoing and others not so much. Some are great sleepers, others not so much.

(Note: The next two comments are mine, and were made in response to someone who commented, and then withdrew her comments and left the conversation.)

Renae, I had a very different read on this article. I don’t think the mother is blaming anyone or anything for her “guilt issues.” She was a new mother trying to find a gentle way of parenting, she chose attachment parenting and it didn’t work for her, so she made some modifications. Her tone throughout is respectful and honors both the positives and negatives of the experience she had. I shared because many, many parents understand attachment parenting to be and require exactly what this mother did, and they end up exhausted and feeling like failures because it’s not working for them. If you look at AP support boards the only answer ever given to a mother like this one is “Keep doing what you are doing. It will get better.” Not much comfort for a mother who is in pain, sleep-deprived, and losing her mind. I believe people need to have real help and know that there are other options when what they’re doing isn’t working. I don’t believe parents need to sacrifice their health and sanity in the name of attachment parenting or any other kind of parenting. This doesn’t help babies or parents.

Renae, I’m not big on labels either, but the reality is we have them, and there are some very marked differences in the different approaches to parenting. I liked this article for the exact reason you state. The woman doesn’t claim to be an expert, nor is she giving parenting advice- she’s simply sharing her experience and what worked and didn’t work for her. Everyone is free to take it or leave it, and decide how it might or might not apply to themselves and their own children. I think the only way any of us learns is through reading and listening to another’s experiences and then integrating what we’ve heard/read with our own experience, and doing what feels best/works best for our own situations. It’s all a learning process.

Laura Clout: She does say however that attachment parents treat all proponents of other parenting methods with unabashed scorn. Not in my experience!

Lisa Sunbury: Laura, Some do, some don’t- this was one person’s impression/experience.

Clare Caro: Laura, it’s written to be an exciting read, there is a lot of angry language in there that is bound to upset every AP parent on the range from ‘follow the book’ to ‘half pie’… it’s what makes it so exciting!

Clare Caro: Lisa, I think that there is no respect for the relationship in ‘CIO’ (Cry It Out), not one bean. I also think that parents are so clueless (to use the word Holistic Squid used) that they have no other option than to look for a book by which to parent. This story is about how a couple began with the Sears book and switched to the Ford book. Simple as that. In the meantime they remain just as clueless in my opinion because they forgot to ‘read’ their baby – they forgot to have a relationship with their baby, to tune in, to find the instincts in their mammalian brain. Here is what Dr. Emmi Pikler (the ambassador for respectful relationships with our babies) has to say on crying: Pikler, Emmi – Crying

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Thank you SO much for sharing Emmi Pikler’s wise words here. As you may know, I am very familiar with (and a proponent of) both Pikler’s and Gerber’s teachings regarding babies and crying (and baby care, in general)!  But honestly, there are problems with the term CIO (Cry It Out)  and I don’t believe ANYONE is born knowing how to be a good or respectful parent. Most of us haven’t had good models. Learning to parent or care for babies well is “on-the-job training”, which is why people have so many questions and resort to books, the internet, friends, etc. when faced with questions or concerns. There is no doubt in my mind that these resources and conversations HELP families. (Even you reference a book resource to make your point clear.) I don’t fault anyone who reads, who asks questions, who tries and maybe fails and comes back to read some more, try a different way, etc. It’s all learning. Instincts alone are not enough to guide us, but I DO believe (and appreciate your point) that tuning into babies and listening to their cues is crucial and can go a long way towards making things easier for both baby and parent. BUT, this is still such a foreign concept to so many. How do you read a baby? How do you develop a relationship with a baby? These are questions many parents don’t consider or have an answer to, which, again, is why I believe it is so important for us to listen to each other, to converse, to share resources, to keep talking, and talking with each other, and listening, and listening, and listening to each other, and learning, and learning, and learning from each other.

Pennie Brownlee: Might want to ponder on empathy – reading with the Heart (in conjunction with the head and the book/s of your choice). Dr. Bruce Perry in “Why Empathy is Essential – and Endangered.” “Humankind would not have endured and cannot continue without the capacity to form rewarding, nurturing enduring relationship. We survive because we can love. And we love because we can empathize – that is, stand in another’s shoes and care about what it feels like to be there.” Which is a scientist and researcher’s way of telling it. Dr. Emmi Pikler put it thus: “What is important is that we learn what is essential. What is essential is to observe! [Her emphasis.] Get to know your child. If you really recognize what your child needs, if you feel what is causing him grief, feel what she needs, then you will respond in the right way. You will guide and bring up your child well.”

Lisa Sunbury: Yes, Pennie, a good suggestion. I’ve certainly benefited from “reading with the heart” and from considering the important role empathy plays in all relationships.

Clare Caro: It seems that, while we can get information and learn from books, we won’t actually get what is needed from a book – such as empathy. Yes, we must read and talk and learn together to get skilled up for the job BUT THEN take that knowledge and focus on the relationship, and honor the adult-infant unit. Empathy is a key ingredient to being able to do this. Another would have to be keen observation skills because you really do literally have to READ your baby, their cues, and gestures. In my opinion, the danger lies in using the ‘book’ to dictate your part of the relationship with your child – which is what has happened in the Holistic Squids story, in their case two books. And it’s so obvious that attachment and empathy never entered the equation because in a relationship where these things are present – when in a respectful, empathetic relationship you would not leave your best friend to cry it out. I am aware that stress-release crying is a part of many babies’ lives (particularly in the West), but to ‘teach’ them, how can this be a part of a respectful relationship? This is why I brought up Pikler’s words on crying. I am aware that you are familiar with the Pikler/Gerber teachings, and studied with Gerber for several years. I hope that in the passing down of information Pikler’s wisdom on crying, it has not ended up warping into saying that CIO is okay in any size or case, or indeed promoting it in any way.

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Absolutely not. But again, I think you are being much too harsh and judgmental. This mother CLEARLY cares about her children and is trying to tune in and care sensitively for them, and she used books to inform her and make positive changes for herself and her children when she was exhausted, and in pain, and what she was doing wasn’t working for her or for her child. Beware of judging until you’ve walked a mile in another person’s shoes. Regarding crying… if we are responding to an individual within the context of a relationship, the response changes depending on a whole host of factors, including why the crying is occurring, and what is needed and necessary in the moment…One can feel and express empathy for another person, and still allow them to cry, if that’s what they need to do. Parents can’t (nor should they try to) stop crying all the time.

Pikler and Gerber both wrote and taught extensively about struggle in the context of growing and learning, and about the importance of observing closely to know when and if and how to intervene. That’s another piece of this whole discussion we haven’t touched on. Within the context of a caring relationship, there are times when the other might be struggling, and we can’t take that away from them – they’ve got to go through their own process, and the most we can do is stand by and be there with them in it. Pikler (and Gerber) said, “Observe, come to know the child, and you will know how to respond…” To me, this mother was observing that her child needed to learn to sleep, and what she was doing wasn’t helping either of them, so she had to stop doing what she was doing, which was interfering with her child’s sleep and ability to get to sleep.

Clare Caro: Mmm yes, perhaps I am judging too harshly, even reading between the lines of overly dramatic language you can tell she was having a tough time (yes, I do empathize with her). But then to advocate Gina Ford, who is pretty much the polar opposite of Pikler… wowsers. I totally agree (being a Piklerian ideas person) that crying is a whole other subject, I don’t put crying and CIO in the same basket personally… and the reason why (now risking sounding like a broken record) is because they are divided by ‘respect’. Still, interesting discussion.

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Yes, when we begin with respect and developing the relationship as the core, that value informs all of the choices we make in terms of practice. Again- Pikler and Gerber’s unique contribution to the parenting discussion. One of the difficulties with “explaining” RIE, is that it is NOT often prescriptive. It’s an underlying philosophy that informs all of the choices we make as parents or caregivers, and Magda advocated for” Respect for all”. Magda Gerber said very little about babywearing or co-sleeping, for instance. If pushed she’d share her personal preferences, but most often she’d turn the question back to the person asking and ask them to find their own answer through listening equally to themselves and to their baby. She often said (for instance), “The question is not whether you use the highchair or don’t use the highchair. It’s more important to make a conscious choice and know WHY you use the highchair and make a choice that is the best one for YOU and your baby.”

Sian Hannagan: I guess you could call me an attachment parent though I abhor labels and everyone sits outside of a box as much as they sit within it.

The only parenting practices I abhor are the ones that have been shown to actively damage children such as circumcision, crying it out, spanking, no breastmilk whatsoever, shaming, and emotional neglect.

Anything else from babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding duration, weaning choices, discipline choices (outside of the above), movement choices, etc etc are all horses for courses.

As you were.

Lisa Sunbury: Sian, I hear you and I’m with you- mostly. Re: “No breast milk whatsoever” this is NOT something that has been shown to be definitively harmful to babies, and some families literally do NOT have another choice. Re: CIO (Cry It Out), that’s a sticky wicket. It depends on many factors and the definition you are using, which is why I so intensely dislike the term. A child (of any age) who is left to cry for long periods of time without any comfort or support will most certainly be harmed. An infant needs to be responded to immediately when s/he cries. A one-year-old who has had consistent, loving, responsive parenting, and who is left to cry for a short period of time in the interest of learning to fall asleep on his/her own- to me, this is another matter entirely. The research indicates that there are no long-lasting, harmful effects, and indeed, the benefits to the child and the family may far outweigh the short-term discomfort and unhappiness of the baby.

Sleep is a learned behavior. Of course, a child is going to cry and protest (and has every right to) when they have been used to being rocked and nursed to sleep, and back to sleep, and when a parent chooses to make a change from co-sleeping to alternative sleeping arrangements. Of course a child deserves comfort and support in a situation like this, but the reality is, it is hard to unlearn and undo habits that have been learned, and some crying IS going to be a part of it. I always counsel parents to make these changes as slowly as possible and to gradually lessen their involvement in the baby’s sleep routine, but even then, it often means a period of time of listening to a child cry, while the child figures out how to put themselves to sleep…

Sian Hannagan: Lisa, I am referring to the first few days of colostrum and breastmilk. The results on denying an infant this IS definitive and is associated with SIDS, necrotizing enterocolitis, gastro issues, diarrhea, gut disturbances, reflux, and a whole host of other things. No ifs, no buts, no maybes. From then on inwards it’s a sliding scale relating to maternal choice and infant needs.

And the idea that a baby MUST cry to learn to sleep is not really addressing the issue accurately. There are other methods that can be used to encourage sleep very effectively that won’t cause stress in an infant.

Lisa Sunbury: Sian, Thanks for clarifying! It’s encouraging to me that at many maternity hospitals, mothers ARE encouraged to breastfeed at least once or twice in the first days, if at all possible. Obviously, this is preferable, but I still don’t think a child is doomed, if for some reason this can’t/doesdon’t happen. And again, I don’t think babies MUST cry in order to learn to sleep but depending on the circumstances, and what has gone before, some do, and some will and some must, and again, I don’t see this as necessarily harmful, or on par with spanking a child. There’s this concept of struggle that comes with mastery that enters the conversation. Struggle is a natural and necessary part of life, and learning, and may cause some stress in the short term, but it’s not entirely avoidable, nor is it necessarily something to be avoided at all costs. There are ways for adults to support and allow even the youngest of babies to participate in their own process and learning, without adults taking over for them. A parent isn’t necessarily practicing a damaging form of parenting by allowing their one-year-old child to struggle or cry for a short period of time in the process of sleep learning. I really like and recommend the posts Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare™ has written about sleep, and the guest posts written by Eileen Henry that address many of these questions regarding sleep learning and crying. Again, just another point of view. Here’s just one: Helping Babies Sleep (With Empathy And Compassion) Guest Post by Eileen Henry

Family Focus Movement: Here is a direct quote from Dr. Sears. Dr. Sears: “This is why we came up with the 7 Baby B’s [you can find these on Dr. Sears’ website]. They are tools, not rules. You take as many tools as you can with the resources you have. I can’t breastfeed but I can wear my baby more or I can respond to my baby more. I wasn’t breastfed. I was bottle-fed. I turned out okay. Also with our adopted baby, she was the first formula-fed baby but it didn’t agree with her so we had donor milk. This is an option for today’s mom. There are many ways of meeting your babies’ needs.”

Lisa Sunbury: Family Focus Movement, I appreciate your comment… Yes, Dr. Sears presents his ideas as “tools not rules”. The problem, as I see it, is that often the suggestions are interpreted as “rules”, and sometimes taken to an extreme, and parents feel like they are failing if they can’t continue to provide what Dr. Sears suggests after the first months. What might be a helpful and appropriate response for an infant, may not be for an 8 or 9-month-old baby. Nowhere in Dr. Sears’ writings can I find ANYTHING about including the baby in the equation, in the sense of respecting that babies come with some basic strengths, and the ability to self-regulate, if given the right conditions and support. Babies are learning every minute. This is what I appreciate about Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy. She believes (as do I) that parenting well is a mutually adaptive process, and there is room for both the baby’s needs to be met, as well as the parents’ needs to be met. Babies have the ability to participate in their own process from the very beginning. They are not completely helpless, needy, dependent creatures, who need parents to perform superhuman acts in order to soothe them…

Family Focus Movement: I believe you also need to take a look at what Maria Montessori wrote in regards to what a child needs.

Lisa Sunbury: I have, thanks! And many of her ideas resonate and overlap with Pikler’s and Gerber’s – although Montessori worked with/focused primarily on children aged three and up, and Pikler and Gerber were/are unique in their focus on, and contribution to the understanding of caring for infants and toddlers…

Family Focus Movement: Actually, Montessori’s education philosophy applied to children starting from birth.

Lisa Sunbury: I do understand this. But Montessori primarily worked with/observed children aged 3-6, and developed her approach with children of this age. I’m no expert on Montessori, but I’ve read and studied her books, and did an internship at a Montessori preschool. Pikler, on the other hand, started with babies and toddlers, and that was her primary focus for all of her life. RIE Associate Deborah Greenwald wrote a thesis comparing and contrasting the two philosophies and methodologies when she was a graduate student at Pacific Oaks College. Again, there are areas of overlap, and some similar themes ( the importance of observation, respect for the child, creating an environment that allows the child to succeed, etc.) and the two inform and complement each other, but there are some differences as well. When were talking about babies and toddlers, nothing compares to, or beats Pikler and Gerber’s contributions in my mind.

Sarah Gremillion Brown: I guess I’m more of an AP than most of my friends, with encouragement from others. I agree with the blogger… 26 months after birth I have struggled with being sleep-deprived and a raging hormonal crazy not as connected to my hubby’s mother. Which is better parenting? Having a mom that feels herself and is able to have enough patience to parent a toddler or adhere to a 100% AP style? I agree, do what works for you and your family. I have learned a lesson for my next baby, whenever that may be. I will always lean toward AP, but I know how important a well-rested mommy is too.

Emma Bouzidis: Absolutely brilliant article. Resonates with everything I stand for as a parent. I firmly believe it is my responsibility to teach my children everything including the reality that they must learn to put themselves to sleep. We followed a similar sleeping routine and my lil man slept through at 7 weeks and now at 18 months will often sleep longer than 12 hours at night and has a good 2-3 hours during the day. Thank you for sharing this!

Elanne Kresser: It’s easy to idealize and be disappointed by any parenting approach. There were things I imagined my baby and parenting would be like based on having read RIE books and blogs, and I was disappointed, frustrated, wondered if I was doing it wrong, thought maybe I wasn’t as good of a mom as I’d hoped I would be, etc. I see a number of moms feeling very let down by their hopes for attachment parenting and I can understand this. I think there are many ideas within an AP approach to parenting that are admirable and have contributed to more gentle parenting. And I think when we stick to anything out of our ideals rather than responding to the reality in front of us we are setting ourselves up for hardship.

Lisa Sunbury: Elanne , Yes! THIS: ” I think when we stick to anything out of our ideals rather than responding to the reality in front of us we are setting ourselves up for hardship.” Although- I think living out of our VALUES, combined with looking at the reality in front of us while keeping an open mind, and continuing to listen and learn, can be very empowering, and can lead to finding ways to honor and respect everyone involved in a situation…

Pennie Brownlee: This is an interesting discussion. There is a proverb in this country (NZ) that translates “If you are going to bow down to a mountain, let it be a lofty mountain”. Dr. Bruce Perry MD Ph.D., James W Prescott (developmental neuropsychologist and cross-cultural psychologist would qualify as ‘lofty mountains’ in my estimation.

Pennie Brownlee: How will parents know what to do? Empathy is a good place to start, and for that, one has to tune in with the heart, literally, (in conjunction with their head and whatever book/s they are referring to). Dr. Bruce Perry writes in “Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential – and Endangered”: “Humankind would not have endured and cannot continue without the capacity to form rewarding, nurturing, and enduring relationships. We survive because we can love. And we love because we can empathize – that is stand in another’s shoes and care about what it feels like to be there.” Dr. Emmi Pikler puts it like this: ” What is important is that we learn what is essential. What is essential is to observe! [Her emphasis.] If you really recognize what your child needs, if you feel what is causing him grief, feel what she needs, then you will respond in the right way. You will guide and bring up your child well.” When the Pikler Institute was doing 24-hour residential care for babies and children (1946 – 2011) as Clare Caro stated at the start of this conversation, the staff knew how to form secure attachments with every child even within an ‘orphanage’ setting. It would be worth pondering on her advice to parents, and beneficial to see what the pillars of bonded relationships are, the ones that cannot be dispensed with.

Ayu Saja: If what I did with my daughter 19 years ago is now known as Attachment Parenting, then I can say that I am a proud mum of a successful young woman who still continually, regularly reaches out for me for reassurance either by phone calls or email (she lives 5 hours drive away from my town). But I wouldn’t want to do what I did 18 years ago with my second daughter. I don’t want to “wear” her, breastfed her too long, nor am I prepared to share my bed with her unless necessary. My second daughter, in contrast, is a very confident, agile, and independent toddler at 20 months old, to her sister who was somewhat timid and well… too attached to me for my liking…

I guess each to their own. I wouldn’t want to change the way I parented my 1st daughter, though I learned a lot from that time.

Thanks for sharing the article.

Deliberate Parenting: I think any and every parent that shares her story as a way of trying to help us other parents is brave. I often shy away from topics for fear of being misunderstood. Whether we agree or disagree we are hearing someone else’s story. This either confirms what I know to be true for my family or teaches me something new.

Hasti Kashfia: In my opinion that isn’t what AP is about. I didn’t wear my sons 24/7 and we slept just fine (except for when illness was an issue) and comparing two different kids with 2 different temperaments doesn’t even make sense?!?

Lisa Sunbury: Hasti, It’s true babies all have different temperaments, but it’s also true that what a parent does or doesn’t do helps shape a child. It’s a reciprocal cycle.

Carrie Chuff: This is interesting to me. The discussion here sort of answers my question that I was afraid to ask: is AP at odds with RIE, and vice versa? What I think matters most, personally, is paying attention to each specific child’s needs, and following your own motherly instincts. Personally, at least in my own case and in the cases of moms who are close to me, our instincts are usually pretty spot-on, once you finally get down to them, away from controversies and what you grow up thinking you’re “supposed” to do. Personally, I consider myself an enthusiastic attachment parent, using what fits our family and not worrying about fitting the label. I’ve also benefited from many RIE principles. Using both (with varying degrees) has just felt right. So far in my parenting, they have meshed nicely. Apparently, however, that is not a usual occurrence?

Jennifer Hoitsma Mallios: I agree with Carrie! I take some of both. I don’t think that AP and RIE are at odds at all – unless you really want to be labeled as one or the other. Thanks for posting the article, Lisa.

Jennifer Hoitsma Mallios: I like wearing my kids, but not to the point of severe back pain. And I don’t wear them just to wear them, even when they’re crying! The baby carrier is a useful tool, but again, not something that everyone has to use religiously.

Kate Friend: Both of my babies HATED being worn! Wonder what the AP reading of that situation would be! They wanted to explore and wiggle and definitely not be stuck with all my body heat on them. And both times I hoped and expected to wear them all the time because nothing’s sweeter than having that little one snuggled up against you and still having your hands free to drink your coffee and Tweet. (Go ahead, judge away.)

Clare Caro: You drink coffee? te he just joking.

Trish Collins: I see stories like this and I wonder why people are so averse to following their gut when it comes to parenting. I follow many AP principles, but I stopped wearing my son around 5-6 months old because he was 24 pounds and it was too heavy. I occasionally wore him after that, but I didn’t think of myself as a failure for not wearing him all the time. Wearing him had stopped working for us and I didn’t worry about it. Like the previous commenter, Hasti says, you can’t compare two different kids who have two different temperaments. Is it Dr. Sears’ job to spell out exactly when to stop doing something? Aren’t we all adults here? I think the conversation should move away from labels of parenting and instead encourage parents to follow their gut, which will likely mean a different method of parenting with different kids, even in the same families.

Penelope Wincer: An interesting discussion. I think the problem is following any particular parenting style to the letter. I’ve found both attachment parenting and RIE so helpful and apply lots of techniques from both styles and don’t find them at odds at all. In their hearts is respect for the baby. I use ideas that suit my babies and my family. I don’t co-sleep any longer but I am responsive at night. I babywear but my daughter is left to play for long periods uninterrupted. I think reading these ideas has enhanced the tools I use as a parent and has a very positive effect. But no one should follow a set of rules to the point of going against their baby’s needs! Or their own needs. I’m wary of when people say you should just follow your instincts though too – instincts are often the result of the way we were parented (good or bad) as well as the culture surrounding us. So there is no harm in challenging your instincts by doing some reading – just maybe don’t abandon them entirely.

Danielle Dixon: Well said, Penelope 🙂

Trish Collins: I agree 100% with what you said, Penelope. I just want to clarify something. What I meant about following your instincts is that if something isn’t working, there’s no reason to continue doing that for weeks, months, or years, no matter what the “style” is or what the perceived benefits of that style is. I mean, when someone complains to me about their child’s sleep issues, my first question is what is acceptable to the parent. If co-sleeping isn’t working for them, I wouldn’t encourage them to continue doing it even though that’s what’s working for us. The article was surprising to me because the author continued doing something long after it stopped working. That’s what I mean about following our instincts.

Claire Larroux: In the Continuum Concept “philosophy”, which is similar to AP, babywearing is for the first few months of the dependent stage and then at the exploratory phase the baby is left to explore – a bit like an RIE baby. I think that makes total sense…

Toni Durbano: While wearing your baby may not be for everyone, there is absolutely a way to wear even 40 lb preschoolers and bigger children in a pain-free manner, given proper technique and appropriate carriers. I don’t find the article so judgmental (and I’m an AP parent who co-sleeps, nurses, and wears my baby) because I think all she’s saying is a certain parenting style didn’t work for her. I do wish she considered the idea of balance that Sears talks about and acknowledged in her article that he and others who promote extended breastfeeding and other tenants of AP address the idea that if parents are struggling/resentful they need to re-examine how they are applying AP and make a change. There is nothing in this parenting philosophy that demands parents sacrifice to the point of misery or physical pain in order to patent this way. Had she discussed this idea I would’ve felt she was being honest and informative about her AP experience rather than inflammatory.

Carrie Chuff: Penelope, I respectfully disagree a bit regarding instincts. I absolutely agree that research and reading is a good and necessary thing, because knowledge is power and it’s always good to challenge yourself to seek the truth in all things, not just parenting. But I really do believe all human mothers, regardless of their culture or upbringing, have innate knowledge in how to best care for their children. I think culture and upbringing have a lot to do with how a person later decides to parent, even subconsciously, but I don’t consider those instincts. I think a mom knows in her deepest self if a parenting decision is or isn’t right, though it may take uncommon self-knowledge in order to know it and listen to it, apart from what she’s learned or been told by her culture. That’s why listening to one’s instincts, in my opinion, should actually spur them on to learn more, rather than preventing them from challenging their preconceived notions about parenting. Maybe that’s just my own temperament, though.

Victoria Byres: I love so many aspects of the RIE approach but I feel that promoting articles like this is divisive. Obviously, there are plenty of happy and thriving A.P. parents and babies so I would much rather read about what is working well for families that follow RIE than how one lady misinterpreted AP.

Lisa Sunbury: Victoria, Thanks for sharing your point of view, but I didn’t post the article to be divisive or to promote one parenting style over another. I wanted to begin a discussion and hear from people about their experiences. The overall question for me is not “AP  vs. RIE parenting?” but, “What has your experience as a parent been? What tools have you found to help you and your child, and which have worked well or less well? What did you do if you run into difficulties? What are good ways to meet a baby’s needs AND to meet your own?” I think we all learn and grow from listening to and considering other points of view. And the reality is, AP (and RIE, for that matter) are BOTH often misinterpreted. I continue to be committed to more understanding all around.

Angela Hill: There is nothing at all wrong with letting a child cry. But for the life of me, I will never understand why parents think it is a good idea to leave a crying baby/child alone. You don’t have to bounce, jiggle, carry and booby the pain/discomfort/feelings away and you don’t have to walk away. There is middle ground. It is called listening. It is called relationship. Put the books down and have a relationship with this little human balancing their needs with yours to the extent that you can.

Lisa Sunbury: Angela, I tend to agree with you, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a minute. I’m going to use this mother’s post as an example. I’m NOT talking about an infant here. Child is a year old. Mother and child are both exhausted. Sleep rhythm is disturbed or non existent.Child hasn’t had a lot of experience learning to fall asleep on his own. Mother decides to make some changes. She’s prepared her child, she’s given loving, responsive care , and gone through the bedtime routine, and now it’s time to leave the room, turn out the light, and let the baby sleep. Baby cries. This is new, uncomfortable, he doesn’t like it, he (rightfully) wants what he has grown accustomed to, which is holding, co-sleeping, nursing, bouncing. Mom could go in and comfort- BUT, is that really the most helpful or respectful thing in this case? Might that not just upset the child further, and/or interrupt the child’s process further? Might the message the child receives be, “I am here, but I am not here?” Might the child experience confusion about why his parent is there but refuses to respond in the way he has known her to for all of his life? Isn’t this more cruel than just allowing the crying and allowing the child to work through it and go to sleep on his own? Might it not be a case of pulling the band aid off slowly vs. quickly and cleanly?

I absolutely don’t believe that a child who has loving, responsive care is going to be harmed, or feel “abandoned” in a case like this. Now, if the crying went on for more than half an hour, or the child woke in the night crying, or it had been a week, and the child still cried just as hard and as long at bedtime, of course this might require a different response. Again, it depends on a parent listening to, and knowing their child, and themselves. (And just for the record, because I know I’m going to take heat for this point of view, I DO NOT advocate CIO. I often counsel parents on sleep issues, and I tend to advocate a slow, supportive approach to making changes, and I personally have never been able to listen to a baby cry for more than 5 minutes without going to them, but I have also personally known, and worked with parents who have chosen to take exactly the approach this mother did, and their children are thriving, healthy (emotionally and physically), firmly attached, and well rested…)

Sundari Elizabeth Kraft: Lisa — That is so interesting, because the scenario you described is pretty much exactly what we went through with my daughter when she was 11.5 months old. She was accustomed to bed sharing, but her bedtime was 2-3 hours before mine, and when I tried to put her down for bed (without me) she would consistently wake up crying every 30-45 minutes, and need lots of care in order to go back to sleep. Not only was this exhausting for me and cut into the small amount of “me” time I tried to have at the end of the evening, but it got to the point where it was clear that my daughter wasn’t sleeping well and I didn’t feel that her habits were serving her rest or her brain development.

With lots of discussion (with her) and preparation, we allowed her to settle herself during the early evening. She cried some the first night, less the second night, and by the third night she was sleeping solidly for the first 5 hours of the night (after which I would bring her to bed with me at her first waking).

I received a lot of grief on a couple of AP pages when I attempted to discuss this (Actually, I was banned from one page.) but I feel 100% confident that what we did was far MORE respectful and responsive to my daughter than continuing with our old routine. She was not happy, and she was not sleeping well. Now she is able to sleep for large chunks of time on her own, and the fact that she adjusted so quickly tells me that she was ready for the switch.

In addition, not inconsequentially, it is very helpful to me to have time in the evenings where I’m not always waiting for her next wake-up.

To Clare and any others who are of like mind… I don’t think that parenting fundamentalism is helpful to anyone. It may make you feel more secure to believe there is “one true way” to raise children, but it just isn’t so. My daughter and I are very attached, and I did what was appropriate to support her independence and her development.

Lisa Sunbury: Sundari, I sincerely appreciate you sharing your experience here.

Maureen McLaughlin: That was an interesting read, for sure. I think she opens a bit dramatically with some of her word choices about AP ‘ruining her life,’ and being ‘smacked on the wrists,’ by AP parenting advocates but softens her rhetoric by the end of the piece. Which is good because her whole point is we need to stop being so judgmental of one another.I definitely related to much of what she said because she is describing almost to a T the experience we had with our first (he is now 23!). At 9 mos. my friends did an “intervention” on me because I had not slept for more than 15 or 45 min. in a row since he was born! For the exact same reasons: he had absolutely no idea how to self-soothe. There weren’t a lot of “methods” out there at the time so we used the Ferber method to get him off the night wakings/nursings.

I think my one area where I disagree is that I don’t think anything should be done, if possible, until at least 3 months of age. Hopefully sometime between 3 months and when they begin to stand. It took our son 6 nights of sleep “training” to get it including throwing up his breast milk because he would get himself worked into such a frenzy. I would cry too, but I liked the “plan” that I could go in a check on him in intervals…so I just tried to make it interval to interval. After 6 nights, it truly did transform our lives. Our son began to take naps, I started getting about 6 straight hours, I could plan our days better, etc. I think there is definitely a balance between the CIO method and the AP method, and I guess we all have different constitutions and personalities. I could not be a human pacifier and a happy person too.

I could not “babywear” because my babies hated it and I have also have back problems. I either held them with my bare hands or set them down. When I set them down I included them in on whatever I was doing. (Up on counter in baby seat watching me chop veggies, etc.). I weaned all of mine around 1 year. It was never traumatic because I had been working towards it with baby steps.

Lastly, I did co-sleep with my newborns in the crook of my arm…My 2nd one was a champion who only ever needed to be nursed once a night. Spent the first half of night in his own crib, 2nd in a double bed with me in his nursery. Third was high need in terms of snuggling. Did family bed with her, but she transitioned to the bottle around 10 mos. and merrily sucked on it till she was 4 (only at sleep times). Ack, I’m sure I will catch a ton of flack for that, LOL 😉 She was also a thumb sucker, so we did not mind sleeping with her. For me, I think it was the combo all night nursing plus co-sleeping that I couldn’t manage past 3-6 months without turning into a raging zombie. Namaste! Great discussion.

Stephanie Ann Peterson: As far as sleeping, I just feel the Hand in Hand approach is the most respectful. Staylistening communicates the most empathy to me. I think we should stay even if it takes longer and appears to cause more crying and/or raging. I save the walking away for when I am going to lose my patience and need to collect myself. That being said I don’t think walking away from a year old baby will necessarily damage them…it is just not best practice according to my heart. What I like about AP is that is really honors our biology and the story of a babies evolutionary needs. It honors closeness and empathy. I like RIE because it is about mutual respect and boundaries…which also promote empathy. I have both philosophies in my toolbox. There are times where I need to bend a little to meet my daughters needs and there are times to set her up for success to make changes and bring balance and peace to the family. I always trust that we can meet halfway. I am also a very big fan of James Prescott as mentioned above. Very interesting research regarding parenting practices in relation to violence and suicide.

Kathryn Estay: Where is the Dad in all this?

Lisa Sunbury: Kathryn, Good question!

Maureen McLaughlin: Yes, Kathryn- LIKE very much! In our family, after the first year Daddy was on duty for any night issues! But I had three kids…Got pregnant with each subsequent one when the other was age 2. So 9 mos. of pregnancy, one year of nursing, one year of getting body ready to conceive again. I needed some rest in between.Again, there may be some who would say I am a horrible parent for not tandem nursing, not nursing while pregnant, etc. But my body — my constitution — was just not able to do it. I think it’s fine when women can w/o losing their minds. I have no issues with child-led weaning, etc. I just wasn’t able to manage that and still be a happy, healthy person and “good Mama” with the necessary patience when I was that sleep deprived!

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, I don’t think you’re a horrible parent at all!

Carrie Chuff : Kathryn, I think the focus is more on the mom because, especially for young children, she is, generally, the primary caregiver. Usually we assume Dad is on board regarding parenting philosophies/styles/techniques, etc. (because if he’s not, that aspect is often brought up right away). Dad’s role is very important, too, but Mom is the one closest to her children at this point in their development, if only because she’s the one who is (usually) spending the most time with them.

Kathryn Estay: Yes, but my question is, where is the Dad when the parenting is done? Do you let your Child do whatever they want because they are young and don’t know what they are feeling? You are training your Child to act or not act a certain way whether you do it on purpose or not…It’s habit building….I think We as Mothers have a very important job, and yes we are around the child the most. I do think that my Motherly instinct gets in the way at times of the well being of my Child..It’s feelings. Emotions. That’s not always right…..The world has a mentality of “if it FEELS good do it” And you see where that has got us….I feel horrible listening to my Child cry in her bed, My instinct is to pick her up….But that is training my Child to cry for everything She wants. She understands I will wait until She stops, then she gets picked up right away……

Megan Haroldson: I always like having a bag of tricks and adjusting to your life style and children. We do everything: babywear/strollers, cosleep/cribs, etc. I do feel like an AP failure because I have 3 kids, 5 and under which is a lot of attachment. I can’t imagine not baby wearing- but I have a 23lb 6 month old so she is put down more often that if she were 15lbs. …I do encourage daddy-attachment and he is as close to our children as I am which is a major blessing.

Kathryn Estay: I think you misunderstood me, and it’s my fault. My comment about the crying in bed applies to my 1 year old…Not a newborn! And guess what- my 1 year old will stop crying when I walk in the room.. “When the parenting is done” refers setting boundaries and to the times when you are trying to teach a Child a lesson/training/disciplining a child. We are not restraining the Child’s emotions, We are training them to control them. But this wasn’t my question. Where is your Husband in the parenting process? Most Fathers are on the side lines, not really taking part. The Husband is the spiritual head of the Home. He is the one that sets boundaries, and leads the family. We as women can get caught in our emotions and be blinded, I know I do. And He is the one who keeps Me focused.

Kathryn Estay: Carrie, I’m not trying to argue or say anything negative about any parenting style. If anything is done out love it will work. But the motive has to be right. Spanking will work if done out of love, not out of anger. If the motive is wrong, the parenting will not work….And yes Parenting is an ongoing process, it never ends. I’m curious Carrie, When your son is told to do something and disobeys you. What do you do? Cause I don’t get a clear definition reading the “grace” parenting…..Or if your Son hits you or your Daughter? What do you do?

Carrie Chuff: Sorry, I didn’t want for it to become or be perceived as an argument, which is why I deleted my comment. It was also a little off topic anyway, haha! Regarding discipline, I follow the advice of Dr. Laura Markham – it has been well-suited to our needs.

Images of Learning Project: Thanks for sharing this article Lisa. This parent was very brave to share their viewpoint. As Meredith Small says, parenting is the one part of the human experience that everyone has an opinion on and they aren’t afraid to share it. When we label ourselves we don’t leave room for other possibilities.

Maureen McLaughlin: Kathryn Estay, ‘Spanking will work if done out of love?’ What? Lisa Sunbury can you help here?

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, Spanking may “work” in the short term, to scare children into temporary obedience, but it erodes the relationship of trust, and there is nothing “loving” about spanking. I don’t believe hitting someone smaller and defenseless can ever be said to be loving or respectful. I’ve written about this here: It IS Possible To Discipline Children Effectively Without Shame- A Very Personal Post. I also especially appreciate Kim’s reflections (The Single Crunch) on the topic of spanking: I Used To Hit My Children.

Maureen McLaughlin: I’m going to read both of those soon, Lisa. Thank you. In my opinion, spanking parents aren’t using ANY of the tools/techniques/philosophies we discuss on yours, Janet’s and other’s pages. I just wish spanking parents knew that babies and kids grow up, and someday they may find themselves with a violent teen who will turn to their parent (s) and make sure they know *exactly* where they learned it from. Please don’t spank.

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, I fully believe that when people know better, they do better. Again, we just have to keep listening and talking, coming from a place of love, turning people back to look at themselves and their children, and building on any little strength. With spanking- it’s a vicious cycle. People who were spanked growing up often don’t know any better.

Leyla Momeny: Thank your for sharing! One of the most important nuggets that I learned during the RIE Foundations course is that babies deserve a shot a life – at being a being in the world! To go from the womb to 24/7 “babywearing” (probably one of the lamest terms in the universe!) doesn’t give them a chance–a shot–to be a human in the world, in space, on the floor, on their own terms. Liz Memel spoke of it with the language of being provided with the time/space to “organize” their bodies and to continue to gain knowledge of themselves and their bodies in space. I think these ideas are so hard, and sometimes so painful, for AP-adopters to honestly and openly consider.

Leyla Momeny: I hope it wasn’t too harsh to poke fun at that term. The idea is that I can wear a pair of earrings. I can wear a scarf. I can wear a jacket, but good lord, should I be defining myself as someone who WEARS a human being? eh. The distinction between “baby-carrying” and “babywearing” might seem insignificant to some, but the language invokes the type of respect that we do (or don’t) have for babies/toddlers. And this matters.

Lisa Sunbury: Leyla,  Exactly! Beautifully said!

Maureen McLaughlin: OK, so this is getting good. We are touching on something I can really relate to. First of all, when I “wore” my babies turned in they thought they were supposed to nurse. I know there are Moms out there who wear and nurse at the same time…But I wasn’t comfortable doing that. I wanted to just sit down and focus on nursing. Not nurse and make dinner, nurse and vacuum. For me, it wasn’t about ways to increase my abilities to multi-task. When my kids were older (about 6 mos and up) I did enjoy wearing them in those backpacks for hikes, but then with my third I herniated my disc doing that and that was the end of that ;)Leyla, I also gave my kids some “free time” in (horrors) a play pen that had a few beautiful things hanging on the sides for them to look at and perhaps a couple of toys and a sheepskin to make it nice and cozy (I know now they don’t want parents putting babies on sheepskins, so please don’t). They enjoyed rolling around and stretching, etc. I would just bring it in the kitchen so they were near me. I hope these ideas are helpful for parents, who, like me just weren’t comfortable with the “baby wearing” model. I’m glad it works for some parents…It just didn’t for me (us). I definitely think I was a baby-carrier. I got comfortable holding them on my hip for many household activities so they could watch what “we” were doing.

Lisa Sunbury: No matter the “style” of parenting or caregiving we choose- we all share one thing in common: We are all dedicated to learning about, practicing,  and promoting gentle, respectful ways to care for and parent our babies, and to support other families in doing the same, as is so beautifully expressed in this note to me from Kim of The Single Crunch:

Last night Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare™ mentioned in a status that there was a great conversation going on here. I followed and read the thread (not yet the article) and learned SO much from your words. Thank you. I tend to do as you said and when a parent posts on my page, sometimes instead of thinking of what’s best for the family I think of what is most “AP”. I am sorry for having done that. Those are not the answers I would have wanted when I was still very new at this, or the answers I’d want now. Though I do believe that “what is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parent” (can’t remember who to quote but it’s someone else, not me lol); I also believe that parents can find what works for them and still takes into account the needs of their children and family. You helped me to remember that my goal is to help parents parent intentionally and with unconditional love…not simply to parent by the AP model. It is a fantastic model and one that, due to my circumstances, fits my life very well. I have to remember that circumstances, resources, knowledge, and access differ. You made so much sense, you explained yourself so well and very gently, and you stood up for children and for parents simultaneously. A mom asked a question this morning about co-sleeping and I immediately thought of your words and I was able to pause and to reflect on all that may be going on for her, and to answer her in a way that I felt showed I care for her child and  for her. Parents can handle a lot more than children can but we are still people, too; and we have to keep our cups full before we can fill anyone else’s. Thank you. Love.

Kim, I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. As you may know, I’m a huge admirer of yours, even though we sometimes have slightly different ways of approaching things. What I appreciate about you is your absolute dedication to your children, your honesty, your advocacy, and your dedication to finding, learning, and sharing respectful ways to raise and care for children. I also appreciate your willingness and ability to constantly engage in self reflection and respectful discussion with others. These conversations are important if anything is going to change for the better for our babies. And it’s not so much that there is one “right” way, because there isn’t. There are many good ways to nurture and show respect for our children- and ourselves. You said, “You helped me to remember that my goal is to help parents parent intentionally and with unconditional love…not simply to parent by the AP model.” YES! We share the same goal, and I am honored to be on this journey with you. And to each of you who participated in this conversation, and shared your experiences, your thoughts, links for further reading, thank you!  Let’s continue the conversation!

Help! My Daughter Is Out of Control

“My daughter is out of control, and I don’t know what to do. She screams and screams, and there’s no way to stop her. There’s no talking with her, no reasoning with her, no bribing her, no distracting her, no consoling her. I’m at my wits’ end. I admit, I often resort to yelling at her or spanking her, because I don’t know what else to do. Nothing we have tried has worked. Yesterday, it was because she didn’t want to get in her car seat to go to school. We had to go, or I was going to be late for work, so I wrestled her into the seat while she was kicking and flailing. She screamed throughout the twenty minute ride to preschool. She was fine once we got there. She doesn’t act like this at school, just at home with my husband and me. I just don’t understand it. Why is she like this? My daughter is three. I thought temper tantrums were supposed to become less frequent and less severe once the “terrible twos” were past, but my daughter’s temper tantrums are getting worse and more frequent. Can you help me?”

I understand the frustration you are feeling, but in this situation, your “out of control” child is in need of  just as much understanding, support, and compassion as you are. A three year old child who is screaming and melting down on a frequent basis is a child in crisis. She is literally screaming for attention and asking for your help in the only way she knows how to.

Doctor Gordon Neufeld says that the pre-frontal cortex (the thinking, reasoning part of the brain- the “wise leader”) begins to develop from five to seven years of age. Therefore, our expectations are unrealistic if we are expecting our two, three, or four year old children to make sense of their emotions or be reasonable when they are upset. Even children who are five to seven years of age are just in the beginning stages of learning how to regulate their emotions. It is our role to help young children develop the skills to make good decisions, control their emotions and bodies, and develop empathy and self-understanding.

Young children do not have the ability to think rationally about their experiences and feelings and then calmly explain to adults what is troubling them. They are just developing an “emotional” vocabulary; they are prone to experiencing poweful, overwhelming emotions, and they may not know why they are feeling so out of sorts. They rely on the adults in their lives to observe, to listen, to interpret, and to help them manage and express emotions appropriately. When things get too out of balance, they may “act out” their pain, anger, and frustration, or “flip their lids” as Doctor Daniel Siegel (author of  The Whole Brain Child)  says.

Doctor Siegel does a great job of explaining what is happening in our brains when a melt down or tantrum occurs. He suggests closing your fingers around your thumb to make a fist. Think of this as your brain. The hidden thumb in the center of your palm represents the “downstairs” brain – the amygdala – the “alarm center” and area of big emotions. The fingers that close over the thumb represent the “upstairs” thinking part of the brain. As children grow, they slowly develop the ability to be upset but express  feelings calmly, but only if the thinking, “upstairs” part of the brain is still in connection with the “downstairs” emotion/instinct area. When we (a child or an adult) get really upset, we literally “flip our lids”! The fingers rise up and the “upstairs” brain is no longer in connection with the “downstairs”  part of the brain, and that’s when a child or an adult may lose control.


A screaming, out of control child (or adult) is begging for help. Most likely your daughter is feeling extremely powerless a lot of the time. Let me share a personal story that may help to illustrate. I am currently in the process of trying to gain custody of my niece who is in the foster care system in the state of Florida. Today, I found myself veering towards a complete and utter loss of control. This has been an arduous process that has involved leaving my home, my job, my friends, and moving across the country. I am coping with time changes, climate changes, diet changes, lack of sleep, lack of any usual daily structure or routine, family illness and stress, and I am  desperately missing my husband, my friends, and my cat, who are far, far away.

Given that I am an adult who has a fair amount of experience with loss and change, a fair amount of insight and coping ability, a fair ability to communicate well, and a fair ability to self regulate and self soothe, and given that this move was my choice, and I was prepared for a rough patch, I’ve been doing Okay.

What precipitated today’s melt down was experiencing a feeling of utter powerlessness with regard to the process involved in gaining custody of R. There have been an endless number of hoops to jump through, and we are stalled, three weeks into what should be a fairly straightforward and quick process.

Waiting to be with R. is hard, but I’m capable of waiting patiently if I know that everything possible is being done as quickly as possible to move R. into my care. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Nothing is moving forward, and the reason nothing is moving forward is not because of a lack of cooperation, communication, or effort on my part, but a lack of cooperation, communication, and effort on the part of the social worker involved in the case. Emails and phone calls go unanswered for days. Questions are not responded to with clear answers. Answers to questions change from day to day. Careless mistakes have been made. (My name was spelled incorrectly on a form, which has delayed the results of my fingerprint report which I submitted to days after arriving in Florida. No one notified me, or followed up, and now the whole process has to begin again, and there is another delay.)

There is no one  to complain to; there is no one who cares to listen. I am at the mercy of the system, and the system is broken. It is an awful, frustrating feeling. Days go by, and R. remains in foster care, far from me. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know when this is going to be over. I can’t count on the people who are in power to help, or to advocate for me and R. I can’t even count on them to give me straight answers about what to expect and when. Today, as I screamed and ranted and cried, I realized, “This is a feeling babies and toddlers must experience all the time. No wonder they have temper tantrums.”

Little children have so little control or say over what happens to them. Their experience in the world is limited. They may often feel confused and frustrated- especially if they don’t understand what is happening or why, or they don’t know what is expected of them. If you sometimes hold firm to a limit, and other times, you give in because your daughter wails too loudly, or you lose control of yourself,  it may be hard for your little girl to know what to expect and to feel safe. Children are easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. When a child’s behavior is out of control, you can be sure the child is in emotional pain. Your child most needs your support, understanding and empathy when her behavior is most out of control, and it may appear that she least “deserves” it.

What can you to do help your daughter (and yourself)?

You’ve taken the first step, which is to reach out and ask for help and support. That’s a brave and courageous thing to do, and I commend you. You have to understand and take care of yourself so you can understand and take care of your daughter.

Next, ask yourself what stressors (beyond developmental normalcy) might be contributing to your daughter’s melt downs. What is it about the preschool environment that helps her to be able to function well there? Is she getting adequate rest, good nutrition, plenty of active, outdoor play? Are there any changes going on in your family that might be contributing to her stress? Marital or financial problems? A new sibling? Changes in routine? A recent illness? Any or all of these things can contribute to your daughter feeling out of control and overwhelmed. How much TV does she watch?  Does she have the opportunity to have some control and choice over things that matter to her? Does she have enough, and regular, unstructured free play time? Have you checked with your pediatrician and  ruled out food allergies and/or sensory issues?

If you haven’t already created daily routines and rituals, now is a good time to begin. Young children cope best when they know what to expect and what is expected of them. They can cooperate and participate when they have clear boundaries. Simple, unchanging routines that they can count on give young  children a sense of safety and security. Get into the habit of telling your daughter what to expect before it happens, invite her participation, and give her time to transition from one activity to the next.

Make a commitment to respond calmly and with empathy when your girl is “losing it”. Not only is this good modeling, it lets her know that you are on her side, and she can count on you to be the “calm” in a storm. Time out, punishment, yelling, or bribing will do nothing but continue the cycle, because these responses do nothing to address the underlying issues that are causing the behavior.

Finally, I’m including a resource list of suggested reading that I hope will be helpful to you. I’m wishing you the very best, and please do let me know how things are going!

Biting, Hitting,Kicking And Other Challenging Behavior – Janet Lansbury, Elevating  Childcare

When Mama Has A  Bad Day, and For The Love of A Tantrum–  Darci Walker, Core Parenting

Books To Share With Your Daughter To Begin To Build Emotional Literacy–  Some of My Recommendations

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Technology Brings Us Together

Technology. It’s a double edged sword. There are ways we can use it that can distract us and create distance, and there are ways we can use it that can bring us closer together, enrich our lives, and support us in connecting, and building our relationships with one another. I think it depends in large part on how and when we choose to use it, particularly when it comes to young children.

I personally see no benefit in handing iphones or ipads to young children for the purpose of entertainment, distraction, skill building, or story telling. There’s nothing quite like holding a small child in your lap and sharing a book together- the fancy, animated ipad app adds nothing to the experience, in my opinion.

 

Phone call for you

 

So often these days, when in public places, parents are tempted to hand babies and toddlers iphones to pacify and entertain them. It works. But is it really a good idea? Can You Be A Good Parent Without Technology?, questions this increasingly common practice. The author shares an observation she made during a recent train commute: “On this particular morning, a mom with a stroller and a toddler sat down next to me. The little boy was fine while he was standing and walking, but as soon as the train started moving, and mom scooped him up in her arms, he started wailing. Loudly.”

The mom responded not by handing her child a cellphone, but by holding him, and singing.

“And then, after what seemed like forever, but in reality was just a few moments, the boy looked up at his mom’s face and started singing with her. And as they sang, the rest of the us smiled. It was quite an amazing moment.

It made me wonder; are we too quick to hand a tech toy or an iPhone to our children in those situations because we’re worried about disturbing others? Is it because we don’t want to struggle with a screaming toddler? Perhaps we just don’t want to sing in front of a crowded train full of strangers.”

Today, I read  How To Miss A Childhood, which highlights the many ways in which adults sometimes unwittingly fall into the trap of using technology in a fashion that creates disconnection and distance, and leaves both parents and children feeling lonely. The author puts forth a “recipe” she says is guaranteed to result in:

• Missed opportunities for human connection

• Fewer chances to create beautiful memories

• Lack of connection to the people most precious to you

• Inability to really know your children and them unable to know you

• Overwhelming regret

Happily, the author also includes a recipe for “How To Grasp a Childhood”, which  requires only one thing: “You must put down your phone. Whether it is for ten minutes, two hours, or an entire Saturday, beautiful human connection, memory making, and parent-child bonding can occur every single time you let go of distraction to grasp what really matters.”

My New Phone

Magda Gerber encouraged parents to give babies 100 percent attention during caregiving routines like feeding, changing, bathing, and putting them to bed. She also encouraged regular doses of “wants nothing” quality time, which is predictable, regular time when the adult is available to the child without an agenda. She advised,” Turn off the phone and the TV, talk to your baby and explain what you’re going to do. Be fully present.” Not always easy advice to follow, even before smart phones and ipads were ubiquitous, but maybe more important now than ever before.

The challenge I think, is to remain conscious and intentional in our use of technological devices and screens. Certainly, there can be benefits to all of the ever expanding ways we have to “connect” through ever advancing technology and the use of social media. When and how can technology be used to enhance our connection to children and our understanding of each other? Let me share a few recent experiences that illustrate:

When family and friends are far away: On Sunday, I was able to Skype with S. (age 7),  J. (age 3 and 3/4 ), and family for an hour. The whole family was present. M. was making chicken soup, V. was talking with me, sharing the news of the week, and S. and J. were playing. Both children spent some time talking with me, but mostly they played, and sometimes narrated their own play, while I watched and exclaimed. Both children were relaxed and completely un-self conscious.

S. was working on an art project, and J. was building an intricate block construction using  gear blocks. He was focused on his project, but aware of my presence. “Look, Lisa, do you see how it moves when I turn this handle?”  After a little while, he decided he wanted to do an art project too, and I watched as he carefully colored a fairy all in blue. V. and the children took me on a tour of their front yard, while the children talked excitedly about their preparations for Halloween. “Show Lisa the skeleton, Mommy!” “Lisa, look at the spider webs we got. We’re going to put them up after dinner.” We tried to reach out and touch each other, and give hugs, which resulted in giggles. Was it ideal? No, but  it was a window into their world I would not have otherwise had, since I’m over 3,000 miles away. I was able to see their beautiful faces , hear their sweet voices, and witness a small part of their day in real time. They had my full and complete attention. They later told their mom, “It was almost like having a play date with Lisa.”

When a short video demonstration speaks a thousand words and helps you to learn or reinforces your parenting skills: RIE parent/infant classes aren’t readily available to everyone, everywhere, and it can be difficult to grasp the concepts through reading alone, which is why I especially appreciated this recent post from Janet Lansbury, with accompanying video clip: Would You Pick Up This Crying Baby?. It was also a comfort to listen to an audio recording of  Magda Gerber’s 1979 Keynote Speech at the RIE Conference outlining the basics of the RIE philosophy. Just a few short years ago, these resources were not widely available or accessible, but they are today, thanks to recent advances in technology and the use of social media.

When a blog post brings people together and facilitates the creation of community in “real life”: I find myself in a strange unwelcoming land. My beliefs and actions are as foreign to the people around me as theirs are to me. It is a lonely place to be. So, I write to try to understand myself and them. I share what I write in the hopes that it will be helpful to someone else. This week, one of the women who reads my blog, and is a part of a small RIE inspired playgroup here in South Florida, reached out and invited me to join the group, which is how I found myself braving the wind and the rain to drive thirty minutes south to meet H., who is a RIFoundations graduate, and facilitator of the group, and M., and L., and their babies who are participants in the group. We shared our stories, and  observed and appreciated the babies ( who are the same age as baby R.), as they enjoyed free movement while lying on their backs on a blanket. What an absolute joy to find myself in a peaceful environment, with women who speak the same language as I do, and who are committed to learning about, caring for, and treating babies with respect. It was heaven on earth. I left feeling less alone and more hopeful than I had in days. Would this connection have been made had I not been sharing my journey in this form, and had M. not read and commented, and shared with  H., who then reached out to me via phone and e-mail?  I don’t think so.

When a parent can’t be present but wants to be: My brother’s new job doesn’t allow him to take time off to visit with baby R. for the one hour a week we get to see her. This week, he called while we were visiting with R., and R.’s mom held the phone to R.’s ear and her dad talked to her for a few minutes. I watched as R. became still, and seemed to listen. She then began to smile and coo in response. Then, something amazing happened. R. laughed out loud for the first time (that I observed). She seemed to recognize (or at least enjoy hearing) her dad’s voice. We also used my phone to snap some photos to share with her dad. Ideal? No, but it’s all we’ve got right now, and it beats the alternative, which is nothing.

When a computer helps a child who has been unable to communicate her thoughts to “find her voice”: See Carly’s Voice , about a nonverbal autistic child who had a breakthrough in communication through the use of a computer. “But one day during a therapy session, Carly reached for the computer. Slowly, using one finger, she typed help teeth hurt. Her therapists were astonished. It took months and much coaxing to get her to use the computer again (at that time, an augmentative communication device). But she began to recognize that communication was essential. Technology made it possible.”

I could go on, and give other examples, but I’d really like it if you would share your thoughts and experiences with me. In which ways do you think  technology hinders or takes away from your relationship with your children? Are there ways you feel it enhances your relationships or creates connection and support for you as a parent? How do you find the balance?

 

 

 

 

Nothing Else Matters- The Gift of RIE


It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I didn’t choose it so much as it chose me. All I had to do was say yes.  It’s like looking into a mirror. There’s no arguing with the reflection. It’s just what is… Reflected back is the good, the bad, the ugly. Do I have the strength to face it, and accept it for what it is? We’re going to find out. My past, my present, my future, who I am, where I’ve been, where I am, where I still need to grow… it’s all there. For thirty years, I’ve lived far from my family and forged my own path. Now I’ve returned to them to care for my new baby niece. There’s no taking the baby and running. I am here for the foreseeable future, and I recognize that if I am going to be a good caregiver to R., I need to continue to face and understand myself and my family dynamics.

At this point in time, R. remains in the care of foster parents. My family and I are allowed a one hour supervised visit with her each week at a service center in Delray Beach. In between, we can’t see R., nor are we given much information about her care or her daily life. We keep ourselves busy and occupied by preparing for the day (hopefully, soon) when she will be with us on a full time basis. This preparation  has included the “normal”, happy things like setting up R.’s room, shopping for clothing and baby care supplies, and road testing strollers, but it has also included submitting to background checks, fingerprinting, and a home study- which is a two and a half hour long process which involves having your home environment evaluated for safety and suitability for a child, handing over your financial records, being grilled by a social worker regarding your motivations, and probing into every aspect of your personal (from birth on) and professional life, including your childcare philosophy and experiences. The social worker then writes a report, which must be reviewed, approved and signed off on by her supervisor and her supervisor above her, before a lawyer can write a request for a “transfer of care”, which must then be approved by a judge.

I feel as if I am in limbo- neither here nor there. This week has included times of frustration, extreme sadness and longing for home and the people at home, a close and unwelcome encounter with a rat, and a bout of the stomach flu.

It has been a difficult and challenging week on so many levels, but I am not alone and without support. I have been buoyed by a constant outpouring of listening, love, prayers, calls, and encouraging messages from far away friends and family, as well as unexpected kindnesses from complete strangers, and people I have never met, but only know through facebook. I have discovered one of the greatest gifts and comforts is something that is within me, something  I carry with me- my understanding and practice of RIE,  not just as it applies to babies, but to all of those around me. Let me try to explain.

I will soon be R.’s primary caregiver, but for right now, she is in the care of others, and once she is with me, we will initially be living with my mother and my step-dad. I will continue to receive monthly visits from a social worker, and of course, I will do everything in my power to support R.’s parents (my brother and his girlfriend) to continue to develop their relationship with her. There is a lot of love surrounding R., and although I will be her primary caregiver, clearly I am not in “control”, and I must accept that while I have my preferences and particular ways of doing things and being with her, others may not share the same ways of thinking, acting, being, or doing.

So often, when I’m counseling parents or mentoring students new to RIE, I am asked the question. “How do I help others understand?” I hear anguished stories from mothers and caregivers who are struggling because others don’t understand, or their ways of interacting are different, and not respectful. Magda Gerber’s counsel was simple:  “Don’t stress – let others develop relationships with the infant/child in their own way.” Janet Lansbury elaborates in her post Dealing With Parenting Differences Among Friends, Family, and Kind Strangers:

“Don’t say anything.”  AND  “Do model. It is easiest to appreciate a parenting style when we see an organic, spontaneous demonstration. Be a positive model of respectful care. You’ll be surprised how much others notice, if they are even a little bit open-minded.  Strangers have approached me to say how much they enjoyed watching me interact with my toddler. The majority of RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class referrals come from people who have admired their friends’ children, or the quality of the relationship they have with them.”

I recognize that this advice is easier to give than it is to practice. I am embarrassed to admit that when I was a new student of RIE, I struggled mightily with this advice. After having my eyes opened to a different way of being with and caring for babies, I wanted everyone to “get it” the way I thought I did. I harbored a lot of judgement and criticism towards those who didn’t understand or know about the “right way” to respect babies. Early on, after having participated in one of my first RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes as a demonstrator, as I talked with Magda, I blurted out that I thought the classes would be much more enjoyable and beneficial for the babies, if only the babies didn’t come with their parents. “The babies “get it”, their parents don’t.” (Forgive me, I was young, and knew not what I was saying.)

In her typical wise, gentle fashion, Magda laughed, and said, “Lisa, try to be patient with them- and with yourself. Just keep doing what you are doing, and you will see- they will get it, and so will you.” It’s taken me all of fifteen years of practice to realize the complete wisdom of those words, and of Magda’s message to me, but I humbly report that I am coming closer and closer to understanding…

Respecting babies means accepting that others may or may not interact with them in the way I’d like. Preaching, teaching, judging, and criticizing won’t help another person to understand or to change, but my quiet, peaceful modeling, and the relationship I develop with R. will make a difference to her, and to me, and nothing else matters.

Magda advocated not just for respect and trust for babies and their process, she advocated for “respect for all people.” She believed, “Having respect for the world is when you allow people to be what they are.” I am “getting it”, and because of that, I can relax, allow others to develop their own relationship with R., and not feel that I have to try to control them.

I am realizing more and more that RIE is not just something I “do” with children, but it has become a part of me, a part of who I am, not just with babies but with all the people in my life (although I admit- it is still much easier for me to practice with babies than with adults- but I’m getting there!). Yesterday, we had a visit with R. There was some kind of audit going on at the service center, and the place was swarming with people. Phones were ringing, doors were slamming, people were talking loudly, and we were relocated into a small, cramped office (instead of the play room) for our visit. R. was very aware of the changes, and it wasn’t the easiest visit. A well meaning person turned on the bright overhead lights in the office we were in, even before she asked if we wanted/needed them, then she turned them off, and on again, for no apparent reason. R. arrived hungry, and was having lots of gas and cramps, and we had to change her on a desk top next to a computer screen and keyboard.

R. was a trooper through most of it, smiling and cooing, but after she was fed and changed, she started crying, and I could see she wanted to go back to sleep. This is the kind of situation that would have thrown me, in the past. I would have become anxious, and critical of everyone around me, and I would no doubt have passed that feeling of anxiety to R.

But yesterday, I did not become anxious. I stayed very focused on R., and very calm. I moved slowly. I talked slowly, and I stayed connected to R., and it created this kind of bubble of safety and peace around us, despite the circumstances. It was like everything and everyone else dropped away. My mother was feeling anxious, but I didn’t engage in a struggle with my mother or try to stop her from being who she is, or doing what she does. I just slowly undid R.’s car seat buckles while talking quietly with her. When she was crying and all the noise and commotion was going on, I quietly held her, and acknowledged that I saw she wanted to sleep. I told her she was safe. When she startled, I acknowledged- “You heard the door slam. There are a lot of loud noises here today.” She fell asleep in my arms with a deep sigh. And then it was time to say goodbye to her again for another week.

I maintained a peaceful space inside myself, and R. responded to this. It’s so difficult to put this into words, but I wanted to try, because it’s truly a miracle. I am understanding the beauty and the gift of RIE and how it works, on an ever deeper level, as I continue to practice and live it. THIS is why it is so hard to “teach” RIE or write about it. It really can’t be conveyed so easily in words, and it really does come from practicing it and making mistakes, coming back to mindfulness and paying attention, and trying again and again to make the connection with the baby. It’s not about anyone else or what they do or say, it’s about who I am, and how I relate to R., and the relationship we are developing, and nothing else matters.There’s room to allow others to have their relationship with R., too.

‘Holding’ Her Through the Tears

 

“There is a kind of ‘holding’ we can do as mothers and caretakers that takes place in our hearts and minds; we can create an atmosphere for the child that is filled with the warmth and protection they need. When my son is out on his own in the space around me, I am always ‘holding’ him with me; in the way I move and the songs I sing and even in my quiet meditative thoughts (when I can keep them calm and tame that is).” Sydney Steiner , Learning Motherhood

When I read these words today, I thought of this:

Untitled

 

It’s the first time…the first time I’m meeting her, the first time I’m holding her, the first time I’m feeding her, and now, the first time I’m changing her diaper. She isn’t even a month old yet, and she is so incredibly tiny. We only have an hour together. She is awake and aware, even though she keeps her eyes closed tight against the bright, overhead, florescent lights of the playroom we are in. She’s been cuddled in my arms for about a half an hour, and she’s eaten, and it’s pretty clear that she needs a diaper change. The circumstances are less than ideal.

There is no changing table, so I place her on a blanket on the couch. My mother is hovering over my shoulder, and a social worker is present watching my every move and taking notes. She begins to cry as soon as I put her down and start undressing her, her face turning bright red, contorting and scrunching up, her arms flailing, and her legs kicking. Whoever invented the term “non-mobile” baby, had no clue. I feel tense. I am supposed to be the “expert”, and yet…

Her wails are so loud, and plaintive- “I don’t like this!!!”  I briefly wonder if there is a way to change her while still holding her. “Breathe, Lisa,” I tell myself. Then I enter a quiet, focused space within, and bring my full attention to her in the moment. Everybody and everything else ceases to exist. “We will get through this together.” I resist the urge to hurry through the diaper change, and quietly talk to her, remembering to tell her what I am going to do before I do it. She continues to cry and flail. She kicks off a sock. She screams louder as I wipe the tender, reddened skin on her bottom, and apply the diaper cream that the social worker hands to me. She urinates just as I am going to fasten the new diaper into place. Almost done. “Breathe.”

I finish, and lift her into my arms, one sock still off. My mother brings her sock and tries to put it back on just as she is calming down and settling comfortably back into my arms. “Give us a minute, Mom. Let her get settled, first.” It was the longest five minutes of my life. But we did it, together, and the world didn’t end, and the next time will be easier….or not, but my commitment remains to hold the calm space for her, to slow down, to talk her through it, and be with her in it, even if I can’t physically hold her through every minute of it. “Breathe.” And so our relationship begins.

One Particular Baby

 

“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” -Steve Jobs, Stanford commencement address 2005. (My answer is, “Yes, I would!”)

Right now, there are no words that come easily, and I’m no poet, so all I have to offer is unvarnished, straightforward, and honest facts. I’ve struggled with what (if anything) to say on this blog about recent changes in my life, but so many of you have opened your hearts, trusted me, and shared your most tender feelings, questions, and fears, I feel it’s important for me to return the favor.

Three weeks ago, the phone rang. From across the country, my aunt shared news that would turn my world upside down- my brother and my Dad both weathering serious health crises, and my brother and his girlfriend were expecting a baby, due August 7.

Little R. came into this world a bit earlier than expected, on July 22. A new life, precious and vulnerable. Because her parents were unable to assume caring for her, she was placed with a foster family under an emergency order. A week of sleepless nights, and countless phone calls and conversations later, I found myself on a plane to visit both my brother and my Dad, with no clear answers, and only a hope of actually being able to meet R.

Meeting My New Niece For The First Time

 

Miracle of miracles, I was able  to spend three hours with R. over the course of two visits in the week that I was in the state that I once upon a time (a lifetime ago) called my home. My brother and his girlfriend expressed a desire to have me assume R.’s foster care, and although the decision is ultimately up to the courts, I immediately realized that this was a request I could not and would not refuse- however, my husband was just as clear that this was a situation that he could not accept.

There are times in life when none of the choices are easy or ideal, and we are called upon to step up and live into our values and ideals even if it is hard and involves personal sacrifice. In this case, my course of action is clear, given who I am and what I believe in when it comes to babies and families in general, and this particular baby, who is a part of my family, and who is in need. This post, called Faithfulness, by Vanessa Kohlhaas, has been a source of inspiration, comfort, and food for thought in recent days.

“Our faithfulness is continuously tested.  We do not get to be in relationship with others in a vacuum – and why would we want to.  We are challenged in our relationships to change, develop and grow.  And through this work we allow our love to deepen and grow with us.” Vanessa Kohlhaas

I am in the process of doing what I must do to prepare to move to Florida for the time being, to support my family and see them through to the other side of this crisis.There is sadness and loss, but there is also joy, and the promise of new beginnings, as I step into the unknown and say goodbye to the family I have loved and cared for for six years, and the community, friends, and life that I have built here in Santa Cruz, over the past three and a half years. It also means letting go of the wedding celebration Bence and I had been planning, and putting aside plans to grow Regarding Baby in new ways- at least for the time being.

There are more unknowns and unanswered questions than there are sureties right now, but if I’ve learned anything in the (almost) forty nine years I’ve been alive, I’ve learned that change is the only constant in life, and I need to just keep showing up with love, while trusting and following my heart where it leads me, even if it’s not where I planned on going. It’s a bit of a bumpy ride right now, but I am being carried by the outpouring of love and support from friends and family both near and far.

I will continue to write this blog, and I will continue to provide phone consultations, (and who knows?), maybe I will bring RIE parenting classes to South Florida. I’m sure I will have much to share with all of you as I navigate night time feedings and wakings, assuming I’m not too bleary eyed to write at all!

For those of you who have asked how you can help, at this time what I most need is help to find a good home for my beloved kitty Pandera. I’m not able to take her with me, and while that is heartbreaking, my mind will be much more at ease if I can find her a loving home. Pandera is a beautiful, healthy, intelligent, curious, and most of all, gentle soul, who loves nothing better than to curl up on your lap and purr. She is good company, and a talker. She must be an only cat, and she must be an indoor cat, but she does well with dogs and children. She is about four years old, and is a silver tipped Bengal. I’d appreciate any help or leads in finding her a good home. You can comment here, call me (831-296-2229), email me (lisa at regardingbaby dot org), or find me on facebook.

 

 

 

Your Baby Has Decided Something Already ~ Can you see?

R+January+2013+009

they say that the beginning
is marked by birth

never mind what you were doing for ten long months
tucked inside your mother’s core

they want to swaddle you, pass you, restrain you, decide for you
but it was you who decided something already

this morning you looked at a ray of sun

illuminating your own hand

there were no flashcards, no claps of approval
to choreograph this relationship with light

in a few months, a rattle will be used
you will be asked to smile, to coo, to say hello
“Good job, Henry!” “Good boy, Henry!” Good boy!”

is this when we begin to live life for others?
does it begin with a name? a certificate? a swaddle?
does it begin with the toy shoved in the palm of a hand
underneath the morning light? ~ Leyla Momeny

Leyla, who is a public school teacher in San Francisco, penned this poem while waiting at the airport for her flight home after completing the RIE Foundations Summer Intensive Course in Los Angeles. I’m thrilled to be able to share her thoughts with you. This is the first in what I hope will be a series of reflections from parents, care-givers, students and others who are putting Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy into practice in “real life.” My hope is that by sharing the voices and experiences of a diverse group, we can illuminate ways in which respectful care-giving can benefit babies and adults, and strengthen families. What does respectful care look and sound like? What are the challenges, the questions, the joys, of caring for or parenting babies and toddlers in this way?

Leyla says, “I discovered RIE when my daughter was seventeen months old. It was a wonderful discovery and incredibly thought-provoking and trans-formative. I like to think that my girl has experienced the benefits of RIE, even at a “late” start. It is such a powerful framework for parenting and I can’t think of anything as beautiful and respectful as Magda Gerber’s notion of “wants nothing” time.

 

“Be careful what you teach the child, you may interfere with what he is learning. Once, many years ago, I saw a child lying on the floor trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way.  I did not see anything, but I knew that the child saw something.  Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow and that is what the child saw.  That stayed with me as a symbolic reminder so that now when people do things, I want to say, ‘That child may just see that rainbow—don’t interrupt, Wait.’ ” ~ Magda Gerber

“Some days, the “RIEness” of my household is plainly evident: expressions of emotion are respected, play is not parent-directed, interactions are cooperative, autonomy is encouraged and respected, and boundaries are lovingly firm. This isn’t always the case, but it is what my husband and I strive for.

There are certainly challenges to parenting with this approach. People might think you’re a bit wacky. Other parents might wonder why you aren’t jumping up and down with earth-shattering delight and infectious enthusiasm when your child scales a challenging climbing structure or generously hands a coveted toy over to a new friend. It is difficult to communicate your belief in protecting and valuing a toddler’s intrinsic motivation, in thirty seconds or less, to another busy parent across the sandbox!

I have many, many questions, too. I am a new and humble student of RIE and feel I’ve made many “mistakes” in the past with this parenting thing. It’s all a process! What I have learned through studying Magda Gerber’s work is this: Infants are competent, autonomous beings. There is a difference between doing things TO THEM vs. WITH THEM. From day one, it is possible to cooperate with infants. There are specific steps to this such as always explaining what you are doing when diapering, feeding, or bathing. I’ve learned to slow down and to wait; to follow an infant’s cues. The pace most of us go at is a rushed, frenetic pace that can be anxiety-inducing to babies. Slowing down and touching and responding with great respect and care is a place to start.”

 

 

Emptying Our Minds in Order to Be More Present With Babies

This was a good reminder for me. It’s hard to be present and responsive and enjoy what’s right in front of us if our mind is full of thoughts and worries about other things. I wish I knew who to credit for this drawing, but I don’t. I found it on facebook, and tried to trace it to its origins, and while it appears in many places on the web, it’s always without attribution.

If I could draw even simple stick figures, I’d replicate it, but I’d depict an adult and a child walking together. I think small children are naturals when it comes to being fully present and engaged in the moment. This picture also reminds me of the importance and healing quality of spending time in nature, which can help to quiet our minds. I had the opportunity to experiment with quieting my mind and awakening my senses to all that was around me just two weeks ago during a hiking trip into the wilds of Big Sur. Each morning before beginning our hike, our leader would help to set a tone and focus our attention by reading a selected poem, and inviting us to join in a simple ritual of “bowing in”, after which we’d spend the first leg of our hike walking in silence.

 

When I studied with Magda Gerber, she often talked about the importance of the quality of attention adults brought to interactions with children. She stressed the necessity of slowing down, and really focusing, and bringing our full attention to the child.

In her post Magda Gerber’s Gift To Grown Ups, Janet Lansbury writes about two kinds of quality time we can spend with babies and toddlers:

“One of the gifts that I am most grateful for is Magda Gerber’s description of two types of ‘quality time.’ The first kind: “wants something” quality time is when we have a task to do with a baby like diapering, feeding, bathing, or clipping his toenails, and we challenge ourselves to slow down,  ignoring our instinct to zip through it as quickly as possible. We try to focus on the experience, talking the baby through each step, asking for cooperation, sometimes dealing with resistance. It suddenly occurs to us, “What’s the rush? Is there anything more important than this time together right now? Why are these moments with a child any less important than his ‘play time’?” The child looks into our eyes as if to ask us what will happen next, and we realize that we are indeed having an intimate moment together.

The second kind of quality time, “wants nothing,” can encompass a wide range of experiences, but all we are asked to do is pay attention and have no agenda of our own. It can mean being quietly available as a baby explores patterns of light on a blanket beneath him, or standing nearby while he has a screaming meltdown because he cannot have another cookie. It may be trickier to see the benefit for parents and caregivers in this latter scenario, but it is clarity. When we pay full attention to our child for intervals each day, no matter what the tone of our exchange or the outcome is, we are giving him the quality time he needs. We are doing our job.”

Magda taught an exercise that I find helpful to this day in achieving this quiet, present state of mind. She suggested that before entering a parent/infant class, or before beginning a care giving task with babies, adults should take a moment to consciously slow down, and empty the contents of their minds into a basket (real or imaginary). Imagine depositing all of your worries, your lists of things that need to be done, your thoughts about what to make for dinner, into that basket, and saying to yourself, “I am leaving you here now, but I promise I’ll be back to pick you up soon.” It’s such a simple thing to do, but for me, has been very powerful.

Do you have a favorite way to bring yourself more fully into the present moment? Do you notice a difference in the way your baby or toddler responds when you are able to be more slow and focused in your interactions?

“Because I’m a Little Boy”

 

“What day is it?” asked Pooh.
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.
― A.A. Milne

It’s summer time, and our routines and schedules are different. The week before last, we were all on vacation. One day last week (the day his sister usually gets out of school early during the school year), in the car on the way home from preschool, three year old J. asked me if  it was “early day'” and if we’d be going to pick up his sister from school before his nap, and I reminded him that she was at camp, and we would go and pick her up after he had had his nap. I could tell he was tired and fighting sleep. He asked to listen to his favorite music CD, “Boogie Oogie” (the same one he asks to listen to every single day on the way home from school), and so I turned it on, and we drove in silence for a few minutes, and then he asked me again if we were going to pick up his sister, and I repeated the answer I’d given him a few minutes before. We arrived home, and as I went to unbuckle his car seat, he asked me, “Why we didn’t go get S. first?” I said, “J., do you remember what I just told you?” He shook his head, and I wondered aloud, “Why don’t you remember?” He hesitated, and then answered, “Because I’m a little boy.” I hugged him and reminded him for the third time what our plans were for the day.

It was a simple conversation, but I have been thinking about J.’s response to my question ever since. It is something so obvious, but it can be so easy for us adults to forget. Young children have a different understanding of time than we do. Sometimes, after J. wakes from his afternoon nap and he is telling me about something that happened earlier in the day, he will say, “Yesterday…”. Young children also sometimes take a longer time to process incoming verbal information, especially if they are tired or distracted, or if there is other noise in the environment (like a radio playing). Finally, changes in rhythms and routines that seem like no big deal to us, can be confusing for young children. And generally, the younger the child, the more true all of these things are, which is why it may sometimes seem like children aren’t listening, when really, they aren’t understanding, which can lead to mis-communication and melt downs (on the part of both children and adults).

“What do you say, Pooh?” Pooh opened his eyes with a jerk and said, “Extremely.” “Extremely what?” asked Rabbit. “What you were saying,” said Pooh. “Undoubtably.” – A.A. Milne- The House At Pooh Corner 

I think if our children could, they might say something like this to us: “Because I’m a little boy, I need you to understand, and to be patient with me. Because I’m a little boy, I need you to slow down, and go at my pace. Because I’m a little boy, I may need you to repeat a request or an answer to a question a number of times, or find another way to say it. Because I’m a little boy, I count on you to communicate with me in ways I can understand. Because I’m a little boy, it’s easier for me to listen and understand if there is no music playing or other distractions like TV, toys, or cell phones, and it helps me if you can get down to my level and  make eye contact when you are talking with me. Because I’m a little boy, I rely on consistent daily routines so I can know what to expect, and how to participate, and so I can make sense of my world. Because I’m a little boy, I need you to help guide me, in a world that is still so new, and sometimes confusing to me.”

 

One of our favorite books to share together: Little Boy by Allison McGhee. “The simple playthings, the everyday moments, picking up that hundredth rock — all of these are brimming with possibility…if you slow down and let the future begin with the small moments of today. Because everything depends on letting a little boy…be a little boy.”

 

Sibling Conflicts

 

A kiss and a tug Sibling struggles and conflicts are normal and healthy and have the potential to bring children closer together, depending on how adults respond.

Begin by trying to envision yourself as a coach, as opposed to a referee. You want to trust the children and support them to find a way to work out and solve their own differences as much as possible, while you hold the space for them to do so by stepping in when needed to ensure their emotional and physical safety.

From my mailbox:

I am a Nanny, currently working with a family with two young children; Morgan, age five, and Evan, age two and a half. I have noticed many subtle and intense behaviors between them, and hopefully, you can give me some direction.
Here is a typical situation:

Evan picks up and plays with a toy that “used to” belong to Morgan, and Morgan will say, “Hey, that’s mine. I want it back”. Or, “Evan, can I have that/have it back?” Evan responds, “No, it’s mine”. Then, “No. It’s mine” back and forth, until Morgan takes the toy out of Evan’s hand, and 1) Evan cries, or 2) Morgan takes it from Evan’s hand, and Evan bites Morgan’s arm/head-butts Morgan, or 3) Evan runs away from Morgan, and starts a chase, then Evan throws the toy at Morgan (sometimes, Morgan dodges successfully, sometimes he fails).
Hitting and chasing usually happen when I am not in the same room with them. I might be in the kitchen cooking, or doing other housework. When I am in the same room with them,  I usually narrate, “Evan is playing with xxx, and Morgan wants it back”. They usually both look at me, and one of them says, “It’s mine” or “I want it” then I say, “You both want the same toy, how can you work it out so you both have fun?” That doesn’t seem to sink in since they usually continue the tug-of-war until the physical force starts. I then place my hand on the toy (if hitting has not occurred), and say, “How are you going to work this out?” This usually ends up with me putting the toy away after a few minutes of “But I want it/it’s mine/NO, it’s mine”. If Evan is about to hit or throw, I block Evan’s hand, and say, “I don’t want you to hit your brother”. He usually cries after I say that, or he sometimes attempts to hit me in the face, which I block while saying, “I know you are xxx, but I won’t let you hit.”

I say the toy “used to” belong to Morgan since he is the first born, and there are many many toys that were given to Morgan before Evan was born, and now those toys are in the playroom. The parents’ rule is if a toy is in the playroom, it belongs to everyone. Whoever gets it first, gets to play with it. When Morgan brings a toy given to him as a personal gift from his room to the playroom, I usually remind him that the rule is when a toy is brought to the playroom, everyone gets to play with it, and ask him if he is ready to share it with Evan. Sometimes he says yes, and sometimes, no. When he says no, I work through the scenario with him about handling his brother’s desire to play with his personal toy. This might sound like I am talking him out of it, but I can only handle so many conflicts a day. Sometimes, I just tell him straight out that I am not ready for another fight, and if he insists on bringing the toy to the playroom, he will need to find a way to share.

Another typical situation is they do things to each other knowing that by doing so, the grown-ups will react. Or when I am playing with Evan, Morgan interrupts by telling Evan what he should be doing, or correcting Evan’s play. When Evan ignores Morgan, he takes away what Evan is playing with, and there goes the pattern…

 My Response:

I’m also a nanny for a family who has two children with a similar difference in age between the children. The good news is this: the interactions you describe sound fairly typical and normal for siblings! The reason I say this is good news is that the boys are actually learning a lot about taking the viewpoint of another and being in a relationship with each other through their struggles, even though it might not appear so to us as adults! As their nanny, you are in an ideal position to support both children in their learning and growth by remaining neutral and being on the side of the boys’ developing relationship, as opposed to taking one side or the other when they argue or solving the dilemma of who gets the toy. Try to envision yourself as a coach, as opposed to a referee. You want to trust the boys and support them to find a way to work out and solve their own differences as much as possible, while you hold the space for them to do so by stepping in when needed to ensure their emotional and physical safety. I have to say, it sounds like you are doing a great job of this!

I  hold and express the expectation that the children I care for can and will work out solutions that they are happy with, and ones that don’t involve anyone getting hurt. I’d like to offer a few specific suggestions or thoughts for you to consider based on the scenarios you provided. Since you have noticed that the hitting and chasing usually happens when you’re not in the same room with the boys, this is an indication to me that they need the support of your presence and attention to help navigate their relationship in a more peaceful way, so I’d suggest some preventive measures :

1) If you know you have to be occupied in the kitchen or with housework, you can either involve the boys in the tasks at hand, keeping them in sight, or suggest they play separately for a bit. Perhaps you can keep Evan with you, or set up a simple art project in the kitchen if you’re working there, or maybe the boys can play in separate rooms independently for a bit? If not, I would say something to them along the lines of, “I am going to be working in the kitchen if you need me. I trust you to play safely together in the playroom.” Of course, I’d keep an ear out, and stop whatever I was doing to intervene if I heard a conflict escalating, but sometimes children can solve things better without an adult present!

2 ) The way you are mediating the disputes sounds almost perfect, but when one of the boys turns to you and says, “It’s mine. I had it first” or similar, I suggest calmly turning them back to each other: “I hear you saying you want the toy, but this is for the two of you to work out together. You can talk to your brother.” Stay with them for as long as it takes, and keep gently turning them back to each other, resisting the impulse to solve the problem for them. You might quietly remind them that the toys in the playroom are for everyone to play with, and empathize with the child who wants the toy but doesn’t have it, “It’s hard to wait for a turn when your brother has a toy you want to play with.” You might offer that it doesn’t appear that either boy is having very much fun and that maybe it would be more enjoyable for them to find a way to solve their disagreement. The struggle is not a bad thing though, as long as no one is getting physically hurt or physically overpowering another. The more at peace you can feel with the struggle, the more helpful it will be to them. So breathe!

3) It is perfectly acceptable for you to be honest with both boys about your limits. If there is a day when the conflict is constant, maybe everyone needs a break and some space, and as the adult, if you are feeling too tired, or just need a brief respite, by all means, be straightforward about this. You may choose to ask the boys to play separately, or to put away toys that are causing conflict. I might say something along the lines of, “Since it seems like you boys can’t decide how to play with this toy/game in a safe/gentle way, I’m going to ask you to put it away for today.” This language is neutral and isn’t “blaming” one boy or the other, and It moves the conversation away from who had the toy first, who it belongs to, whose fault it is that someone is upset. The arguments the boys are having aren’t really over the toys or ownership anyway. The real questions and the bigger issues underlying the struggle are these: How are the boys learning to be in a relationship with each other? How do they learn to negotiate alone and together time? How do they learn to communicate, co-operate, and get along with each other in a mutually beneficial and enjoyable way without violence, and how do they work through conflict in ways that leave everyone feeling heard and respected?

4) The rule about “special or personal toys” is actually a  good one, because it gives the boys some choice and power, and allows them to feel a sense of safety in knowing that certain things are their very own, and the boundaries will be respected. In the family I work with, each child has their own room, and this is their private space. They may play together and with each other’s special or personal toys in either room as long as the “owner’ of the room has invited the other in and they are both enjoying sharing the space and toys. They are both allowed to play in their rooms independently if they choose, and a closed door is respected, meaning no one enters without knocking.  With the two children I care for, It is harder for the three-year-old to understand when his big sister wants this quiet time, because he always wants to be near her and play with her, but I support her in setting the boundary; “I’d like to play by myself right now,” and help him to give her her space when she asks for it. “Your sister wants some time/space to herself, right now. She will join us later. How about finding something you’d like to do for a while?” Interestingly enough, the three-year-old has learned to enjoy this time to play with toys in the playroom that his sister sometimes monopolizes, and/or to enjoy some one on one time with me.  If Morgan wants to bring a special  toy to the family playroom and the family rule is that all toys in the playroom are fair game, I’d simply remind him of the rule, and if he says he doesn’t want anyone else to play with his toy, I’d respond, “That’s fine, but then I am going to ask you to keep the toy/play with the toy in your room.”

5) Your insight about the reactions the boys have learned to expect from adults is quite astute because children often do act in the way we teach them to through our modeling and responses to them. If they have learned that their disagreements get a lot of attention or big reactions from adults, or if they have learned to count on adults to step in and solve the problem for them, they will often oblige by continuing to act in ways they know will get results! When working with siblings I assume (as I do with all children) that each child is doing the best they can, given their current level of development and understanding, and I try to model the behavior I want them to emulate. So, if you’re playing a game with Evan, and Morgan comes along and interrupts, or tries to boss or correct his brother, I’d assume he wants to join the play, and  invite him to do by saying something along the lines of, “It sounds like you have a lot of good ideas for how to play. Would you like to join us?” If he joins, great! If he declines, I’d calmly ask him to refrain from “correcting” or interrupting his brother’s play. I often say, “Everyone has their own way of playing, and that’s Okay.”
I also like to help build the relationship between siblings by finding and setting up activities and games that they can both enjoy together, each at their own level. For instance, both the younger and the older boy can enjoy and contribute to games of block building, dance party, chase, hide and seek, scavenger hunts, sandbox play, water play, play dough, chalk art, painting murals, building forts, and obstacle course.
There are some card and board games that even the two and a half-year-old can play (if you’re on his team at first), like Zingo Bingo, I Spy, picture dominoes, Concentration, and Jenga.
I also read story books to both children together that touch on themes of family, friendship, and feelings. One of my favorites is When Sophie Gets Angry… Really Really Angry, by Molly Bang. I tell stories to the older child (within hearing distance of the younger child) about “When you were two years old…” or we look at their baby books and pictures together, and tell stories about what’s happening in the pictures. I feel like this validates both children and helps the older one to understand the younger one’s point of view, through a biographical narrative. I emphasize how much the older child has learned about being a good friend, and how much her brother is learning from watching her and listening to her.”If you grab toys from your brother, he learns that that is a good way to get a toy.” “When your brother hit you, it hurt and you cried.”
Sometimes, I will gently coach one or both of them…”What’s another way you could ask for a turn?” It sounds like you might both need to take a break to cool down.”  If they are both upset and yelling, I sometimes ask them to each take a turn to say what they want to, but again, I encourage them to talk to each other, and not to me, and I act like the sportscaster. I also acknowledge times when they are enjoying each other, playing peacefully, or when either one shows kindness to the other. 

I hope some of these thoughts and ideas are helpful to you. Try to remember when you’re in the thick of it that the struggle is what ultimately brings the two together, and just keep supporting them to build their relationship by letting them work it out between themselves as much as possible. The only way they can learn to negotiate conflict and to live together peacefully is by having ample opportunity to practice! There aren’t short cuts. We can’t will it or do it for them, as much as we’d like to at times. This is a gift you’re giving to them, and one that will serve them well in all of their relationships!

 

And just for your smile…

Olivia’s Rules Of Life  -Truths about little brothers (and sisters)!

#49. Little brothers always want the same thing you want.

#27. One good thing about little brothers: sometimes they get how funny you are.

#147. Most of the time, little brothers ask silly questions, and sometimes they ask really good ones.

Olivia

 

#52. If your mom is having a baby and she asks you whether you want a brother or a sister, that does not mean you’re really gonna get the kind you ask for.

#14. If you wake your baby brother up from a nap, sometimes he’ll get upset, and sometimes your mother will too.