The following are quotes from Joyce Maynard's novel Labor Day about what babies know, and what they need, and how we might listen to, and be with them. I found these passages to be inspiring and wise, and wanted to share them here:

One thing he would tell me, though, he said, had to do with babies.Not that he was any kind of expert, but for a brief while, long ago, he had cared for his son, and that experienece more than any other had taught him the importance of following your instincts. Tuning in to the situation with all your five senses, and your body, not your brain.A baby cries in the night, and you go to pick him up. Maybe he's screaming so hard his face is the color of a radish, or he's gasping for breath, he's got himself so worked up. What are you going to do, take a book off the shelf , and read what some expert has to say? 

You lay your hand against his skin and just rub his back.Blow into his ear. Press the baby up against your own skin and walk outside with him, where the night wind will surround him, and moonlight fall on his face. Whistle, maybe.Dance. Hum. Pray.

Sometimes a cool breeze might be just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes a warm hand on the belly.Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is the best. You have to pay attention. Slow things way down. Tune out the rest of the world that doesn't really matter. Feel what the moment calls for.

What I have found is that a baby-though she doesn't know words yet, or information, or the rules of life- is the most reliable judge of feelings. All a baby has with which to take in the world are her five senses.

...And it has been my experience when you do this-slow down, pay attention, follow the simple instincts of love- a person is likely to respond favorably. It is generally true of babies, and most other people too, perhaps.Also dogs. Hamsters even.And people so damaged by life in the world that there might seem no hope for them, only there may be.

 

 

Recently S. said, "Lisa, I just like what I like, and I don't like what I don't like, and it's always going to be that way. But I might like some new things when I get bigger."

S. will be celebrating her fifth birthday in a few weeks, and is quite sure of who she is, and what she likes and doesn't like.

Maybe because her birthday is fast approaching, I've been thinking a lot lately about how she's grown and changed over the past four years since I've known her.

One thing that strikes me is that the essence of who S. is has remained remarkably constant over time.

The other day when she was upset about something, and I asked her what was wrong and what would make her feel better, she cried out,  "Nothing!" before flouncing off to her room to regain her calm by looking through some of her beloved books.

S. has reacted in this very same way whenever she has been frustrated or overwhelmed,  since she's been less than two years old. Then, she would respond,  "Anything!" to our inquiries and attempts to help, before retreating to her room to regain balance. (Mind you, we never sent her to her room, this was her chosen way to calm herself).

 Any seasoned parent will tell you that babies arrive in this world with their own unique personalities and quirks, which tend to remain constant over time.

 Knowing and understanding a child's particular personality and ways of approaching life can help us  to be more sensitive parents and teachers to them.

Magda Gerber believed we could best come to know and understand babies by stepping back a bit, and observing, to give them time and space to express and develop their unique personalities.

A recent study seems to confirm that our personalities are set for life by the time we are in the first grade, and our personalities as children can predict our behavior as adults.The researchers looked at traits such as talkativeness and adaptability.

The author of the study (Christopher Nave), which was done at the University of California at Riverside, was quoted as saying, "We remain recognizably the same person, which speaks to the importance of understanding personality because it does follow us wherever we go across time and contexts."

I wonder if this is why our image of ourselves remains fairly constant across time as well, and if it explains why we can be celebrating our fortieth birthday, but not feel so much older, or so much different from when we were much younger, despite all the physical evidence to the contrary?

To be sure, our own personalities have a huge impact on the way we parent (or care), and knowing and understanding ourselves can go a long way to building our relationship with our children, and navigating potentially difficult situations. With self understanding we can remain true to who we are, and draw on our strengths while meeting the needs of our children who may have very different personalities from us.

The Myers Briggs Inventory is one popular tool which is used to determine personality type, and cognitive (learning) style. It tends to be highly accurate, and is often used to guide people to work that best suits them and that they'll most enjoy. 

I took the test once as a young adult, and again just recently, and the results remained the same over time.

 Now, I'm not suggesting you take the Myers Briggs Inventory, but I do want to share a new book and web site that I just discovered that I think is a wonderful, supportive tool for parents (and teachers of young children as well) who are interested in exploring this topic a bit more.

It is called MotherStyles, and it uses personality theory to help you discover your strengths as a parent. You can find it here: www.motherstyles.com.

  You don't have to buy the book to benefit from what the author, Janet Penley, who is a mother herself, has to offer. You can take either a brief or a longer survey on-line, and discover your parenting type or style, and there is a wealth of information and a blog, that will help you to understand the strengths you bring to parenting.

What I love is that this web site is so positive, and practical. Janet believes that:1) Good mothers come in many styles, and every mother brings natural strengths to the mothering experience that make her children lucky to have her as a mother.

2)No mother is perfect, because every mother is human- so along with the strengths you bring to mothering, you have limitations, needs, and vulnerabilities. The good news is kids don't need perfect mothers- they need human mothers.

3)Finally, self- knowledge  is the key to successful parenting, just as it is in any job or relationship, but doubly so in mothering because the mother's role is both job and relationship.

I can whole-heartedly recommend this resource to all parents and teachers of young children. Check it out today!

"This little light of mine- I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."

Or as sung by S. when she was two years old: "This  little light of mine-lemon shine, lemon shine, lemon shine."

Either way, let your light shine today!

I read and read, and every once in a while, I come across something that resonates deeply and I  feel is worth passing on. The following is a quote about learning written by Dawna Markova:

Learning is so much more than a transfer of information. It can mean wholeness, empowerment, actualization, liberation. Observe any young child anyplace in the world and you will find a seeker of excellence built into their DNA. They embody this inherent impulse in their rampant curiosity about themselves and their world, the way they naturally follow their interests and rhythms, seek out and risk experimentation, honor their dreams and daydreams, consider mistakes as information rather than something wrong. Children have taught me that learning is discovering something is possible.

The question for me as a caregiver and an advocate for children becomes "How do I allow, support, and protect the child's natural ability to engage in her own learning in this deep way, and how do I support parents in being able to see the miracle of what their child is capable of from birth ? "

I'll tell you I earned a Master's degree in Education, and worked with children for many years before being introduced to Magda Gerber and the RIE philosophy, which finally provided me a meaningful way to begin to answer this question. Magda's philosophy is both simple and profound, and beautiful in that it allows parents and other adults who care for children a way to honor and nurture a child's essence from the very beginning. I remain in awe and gratitude to this wise woman for her work with children and families,  her teachings and insights, and her way of teaching...

"What is RIE anyway, and what it it all about ?  I've heard that it is sort of cult like, that it is "hands off" parenting, that RIE believes in letting babies cry and not helping them... How can any of this be good for children ?  Babies are vulnerable and need their parents to take care of them, hold them, and comfort them- otherwise, how will they learn to feel safe and loved ?"

This question was in my in-box this morning. Myths, misunderstandings, and misconceptions abound, so I thought I'd try to clarify.

The simple response is that RIE stands for Resources For Infant Educarers, which represents both the philosophy of infant care that Magda Gerber began introducing to parents and caregivers in the United States beginning in the 1970's, as well the non-profit organization she founded, through which parenting classes and professional trainings are offered.

RIE  emphasizes caring for infants with Respect for their unique needs, as well as their unique strengths and capabilities. Magda wanted us to look at babies not as needy little unformed lumps who are completely dependent on adults for everything, but as competent little beings in their own right, capable of being full and active participants in their own growth and development from the very beginning.

By the way, the concept of respect refers not to just what babies need and want, but what parents need and want as well. More about this later.

Educarer is a term Magda coined which embodies the idea that adults educate or teach, and babies absorb, many lessons about themselves, their world, and how capable (or not) we perceive them to be, through our approach to daily activities like diapering, feeding, bathing, play and discipline. In other words, our attitudes and actions give the baby messages about how we see him or her, which s/he  internalizes, which then influences what s/he learns, and who s/he becomes.

RIE seeks to answer the question of how to go about parenting or caring for very young children in ways that will allow them to become self confident, competent,  capable,  exploring , curious, contented, secure, focused, resourceful, peaceful, inner directed, involved, aware, self-initiating, cooperative, attentive, interested, and authentic children and adults. When you think about what you hope to achieve through your parenting doesn't that about cover it.?

Research proves that babies learn first and best within the context of a nurturing relationship with a trusted adult or adults, and then when basic needs for food, rest, and nurturing are met, through their own exploration of the world around them.

Obviously there are many means to achieving an end and the RIE  philosophy offers one way.RIE encourages starting with basic trust - a belief that your baby has the ability to initiate, explore,and  learn within an environment that is physically safe and emotionally nurturing. Diapering and other care-giving activities are ideally carried out in a manner that allows and encourages your child's active participation. Providing uninterrupted playtime, and the freedom to explore, combined with sensitive observation on the part of adults in order to understand what is needed and when, along with consistency, and clearly defined limits and expectations (discipline), round out the recommendations.

Are you beginning to see that RIE is in no way "hands off " parenting" ? In fact the relationship and the development of a strong reciprocal (two way) relationship and communication between parent and child are at the crux of the philosophy. They may be tiny, but don't underestimate what babies bring to the table !

Nowhere is there ever any mention of allowing a baby to cry without consolation. What you will find is the suggestion that when a baby cries, the adult should take a moment to stand back and ask, "What is my baby trying to tell me ? What does she need in this moment?" as opposed to rushing in and automatically reacting by shushing, pacifying, rocking, feeding, or distracting. The idea is that the cry sends a message, and without a doubt  a response is called for - but what response ? I refer to this as being responsive rather than reactive in your parenting. It leaves a little room for taking a breath, listening, and responding in a thoughtful way. This practice alone brings a new calm to your parenting and strengthens your relationship and communication with your baby. 

Here's an example: Baby J. (10 months old) wakes from his nap crying. This is unusual for him, as he usually wakes happy and babbling. I look at the clock and see he's slept for an hour, which is half an hour less than he usually sleeps. I decide not to go into his room immediately,because it's possible he may need to go back to sleep, and if I walk in, I know this will further arouse and upset him. So I wait 5 minutes and listen. After 5 minutes, he doesn't settle, so I go to him, and greet him. J. is standing in his crib, and crying a little bit. He quiets when he sees me. "Hi J., you woke up a little early today! I heard you crying. Do you want to come up (reaching my arms out to him) ?" J. reaches out for me and I pick him up and he snuggles into my shoulder. After a few minutes, he pulls back, looks at me, and grins, and starts to wiggle to get down. " Hold on little guy, let's check your diaper, before you go play. You woke up from your nap a little early and I want to make sure it's not because you are wet and uncomfortable." So we change his diaper, and he is indeed wet AND poopy which probably explains the early waking. Once he's changed, he plays happily for awhile, until it gets close to his lunch time. After lunch, he goes for his second nap of the day about 15 minutes early because he is fussy, and uninterested in playing.

This simple interaction is a dance and a conversation between J. and me.How do I decide how and when to respond ? Notice I don't just rush in when J. cries and scoop him up. Why? Because I know this baby, and I know he sometimes wakes early from his nap, but that if he hasn't quite finished sleeping, he will often go back to sleep on his own within 5 minutes if I leave him be. If he doesn't go back to sleep in 5 minutes, something is up - he needs a diaper change, or he's teething for instance. I don't offer a pacifier or try to lull him back to sleep by rubbing his back, rocking him, or offering a bottle. Why ? Because he doesn't use a pacifier, and he goes to sleep in his crib unassisted. If he's awake and standing up in his crib, he's done sleeping . It's also not a time when he usually eats or is hungry - so I don't offer food as comfort- I offer snuggling instead. I suspect a diaper change is in order, but I don't automatically rush to do this either, until J. indicates that he's ready to move on. 

If you can't imagine a baby (your baby) going to sleep in his crib unassisted without nursing or a pacifier, waking happy and cheerful, eating and sleeping at predictable times, and playing happily on his own for periods of time without being entertained by you, let me suggest that this is the joy and the gift of the philosophy in action. J. is a secure, happy, capable, communicative, loving, engaging little person, and his parents and I  are utilizing many aspects of the RIE philosophy in caring for and raising him. 

The proof is in the pudding so to speak, and parents utilizing the philosophy often find that they are rewarded for their efforts with babies who are happier and more content.