Clean Up, Clean Up

Oh, the mess!

“How do you handle cleaning up toys for a three year old? Or should I not have this expectation? My husband asked my three year old to pick up toys and she said, “No thanks”. So he said he would take something away if she did not do it.  I don’t agree with this and my three year old doesn’t care! She says, “Go ahead”. At what age do we start cleaning up together and asking for /expecting participation? And what should the consequence be if they don’t/ won’t do it?”

 

It is such a common question, so today, I am going to offer some ideas originally shared in the Facebook group, RIE: Raising Babies Magda’s Way that may be helpful in thinking about how to approach this dilemma in a respectful way. Begin by understanding that living with young children means living with some (Okay, sometimes a lot of) mess. Learning, growing, playing, and creating is a messy affair. Letting go of the expectation that your home will be Pinterest perfect goes a long way. As with most things, encouraging cooperation and participation in cleaning puts the onus on us as parents to do most of the “heavy lifting” in the early years. It takes time, modeling and patience, and we have to try to see through the eyes of our children.

It can be very helpful to create a  yes space” within your home, which is essentially the child’s play space, and that way, toys are confined to one area. It can also be helpful to have baskets for easy sorting and cleaning up. But aside from these practicalities, it is important to build the habit and to invite, rather than insist upon or force cooperation, and this can begin at a very young age. During parent/infant education classes, I bring a large basket, and five to ten minutes before the end of class, I bring out the basket and very slowly begin to collect the toys, narrating what I am doing. This is a signal to the children that the class is drawing to a close, and we will soon be saying goodbye. I ask parents to remain seated and to stay relaxed as I gather toys. By the time children are young toddlers, when I bring the basket out, I usually have several eager and willing helpers. I usually pick up just a few toys, and then sit and let the children bring toys to me. I don’t expect  or direct them to help, I don’t sing a clean up song, and I don’t make a big deal of it if some children choose not to participate.

Likewise, at home, I began a similar routine with my girl when she was an infant. I would tidy her play area twice a day, usually midday and early evening. For a long time, she just watched, then she liked to “help” by taking toys out of the baskets, and then one day, when she was about two, this happened:

Look how neat!

 

I would generally just start and let her join in any way she wanted to. At age two and a half,  she eagerly participated in cleaning up. She had started to build these tall block towers, and I would always ask her if she’d like to leave them or if she’d like to knock them over and put them away and rebuild them later. Engaging her in the process and seeing clean up as a “wants something” caregiving time, and a cooperative effort was important. A good rule of thumb for both younger and older children is to not allow access to more toys than YOU are willing or able to pick up all by yourself. This does not have to be a battle. Children don’t need to be threatened with consequences, manipulated or bribed in order to participate in this process.

Janet Lansbury adds: “Children are more likely to help out when they don’t feel pressured or on the spot, aren’t too tired, and have been approached with a positive, polite attitude. When we don’t give them a ton of these kinds of rules and we stay on their side,  they feel genuinely loving towards us, and want to help. I would only ask in the most open way, “Would you mind popping some of those blocks into this bucket?” If she says no or just doesn’t do it, keep going yourself, maybe asking her again with something else. If you ask children any question, it has to be okay for them to say no. What I’m saying is to stop trying to find an approach to get her to do this. Ratchet this all back to being perfectly willing to pick up yourself. My advice would be to put out less stuff if you don’t want a big mess to clean up. You can’t force these things. You can’t force someone to like and respect you. That’s a kind of old-school thinking that leads to punishment and a less intimate and trusting long-term relationship between parent and child. Yes, a child may be perfectly capable of cleaning up, but that will always be a voluntary activity on her part. You cannot force this, unless you want to resort to punishment and creating more of a divide between you. Being capable and wanting to do it are two different things. From my point of view you are trying to straitjacket her into being more mature than she is and that always backfires, because we don’t get what we want in the end. We might get a “good” child that feels a lot of shame inside and doesn’t feel particularly intimate with her parents.”

Kate Russell, of Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids, echoes Janet’s advice, saying, “Children are inherently good, kind and helpful. They don’t need to be taught to be these things. When children are able to act these qualities out it is because all their needs are met. They are feeling safe, supported, trusted, accepted, loved, connected. They aren’t hungry, tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, etc. When you get annoyed or frustrated with your child for not following your orders, you undermine her feelings of safety, support, acceptance and  love, and therefore it is nearly impossible for her to naturally and authentically want to help or follow your orders. I would encourage parents to explore further where these ideas that children must experience consequences for not complying are coming from. Often, it’s related to our own upbringings and values we had forced on us early on.”

Finally, Shiva, mom to a four year old, reflects, “Last night I found myself a bit frustrated about my child’s lack of participation in cleaning up before bedtime so I took the time to search for some guidance. After reading the comments above, the first thing I did this morning was to declutter and put some of her toys away (with her input). I slightly shifted my perspective and tone during our clean up routine tonight and noticed a huge difference! We also started cleaning up a little earlier than usual to ensure that she’s not too tired, and I set some limits, telling her if she’d like to play with her toys that she needed to make sure they stay in her room.”

So, what do you think? Are you ready for a shift in how you approach clean up with your children?

No Ifs, Ands, or Buts: Setting Limits With Empathy

Calmly setting and holding to necessary limits can be trying for parents, especially in the face of a toddler’s strong feelings of displeasure or upset. One of the most frequent questions I receive from parents is “How do I set or hold  a limit when my child is upset?” For instance, “It’s time to get dressed, and my child is refusing. We have to leave in 15 minutes to get to childcare, so that I can get to work on time. He can’t go to childcare in his diaper, but he won’t cooperate, even though I’ve given him time, and offered him choices of what to wear. I’ve tried distracting him and bribing him, and explaining the reasons he has to get dressed. I don’t want to force him, but I don’t know what to do. It’s almost impossible to dress a screaming, kicking child, and I hate to see him so upset.”

Often, in instances like this, parents are tempted to give in or give up, or they wear themselves out trying to reason with their toddler, and they may become frustrated when they give choice after choice, but their toddler rejects every option. Sometimes, parents resort to yelling or spanking, or sometimes, they end up bringing a diaper clad but otherwise naked toddler to childcare, and asking for help!

The answer to this question is to pause to allow for and acknowledge your toddler’s feelings, and then, to calmly carry on.  But what does this look and sound like in practice?

Parent and teacher, Sarah Morrison, sheds some light based on a realization she had after attending a conference held in Sacramento, in October of last year, where she listened to a keynote speech given by RIE Associate Janet Lansbury.

Sarah writes: “I think I just had an epiphany.  I was just sitting here, meditating on Janet Lansbury’s keynote talk about acknowledging emotions. One thing she said that I’ve really tried to implement is removing “but” from my vocabulary when I acknowledge a child’s feelings. Typically, adults say things  like, “You really want that toy, BUT it is Ryan’s.” “You don’t want to get into the car, BUT we are running late and we need to go right now.”

Somehow, when you include the “but” and everything that follows, it seems to invalidate the preceding part of the statement. As an example, if I was overwhelmed and stressed to the limit with my responsibilities and poured my heart out to my husband and he replied, “You are so, so unhappy right now. You feel like there’s just too much on your plate, BUT you’re the one who is home during the day and these things still need to get done.”, I would NOT feel very understood.

ANYWAY, that’s not what my epiphany was. As I was meditating on Janet’s presentation, I suddenly realized that RIE (Resources For Infant Educarers, the organization and approach founded by Magda Gerber) is not about treating children like mini-adults (a common misinterpretation of Magda Gerber’s philosophy), it’s about treating them with the understanding that they are PEOPLE. A child’s brain does not have the same developed powers of logic and reasoning that a fully formed adult brain has, therefore, it’s unreasonable to present them with our wonderfully reasoned, logical,  and intricate arguments for and against every limit that must be set. It’s not appropriate for us to give toddlers complete autonomy in choices of nutrition, proper clothing, or safety and health issues. It is our responsibility to make these decisions and hold these limits without wavering in the face of their displeasure, but to do it with love and empathy for their feelings.

“You don’t want to eat the broccoli on your plate. You wish I had served more banana muffins instead of broccoli! You are in charge of what you put in your body. If you don’t want to eat it, leave it on your plate.”

This doesn’t change the fact that I’m serving broccoli for dinner and I’ll probably serve it again next week. I’m not going to offer a banana muffin instead, or explain why broccoli is good for my child and why she should eat it. Having broccoli on our plates tonight is just the way the world is. I can acknowledge her feelings, (“You don’t want broccoli, you wish we had something else.”), and remind her of her agency. (“You’re in charge of what you put in your body. You may leave it on your plate.”)

This is pretty much the way I’ve operated since first introducing RIE ideas into my program and family, but I was having trouble explaining to others the nuances of the principles I was trying to work with. I think the distinction between treating a child as an Adult versus as a Person may make it easier to understand.

What I took from Janet’s presentation was that honestly acknowledging and being respectful of a child’s feelings or point of view shouldn’t have any qualifiers. It’s enough (and more respectful) to simply observe, “You really don’t want to get in the car. You want to stay and play.” And then, just be in that moment with them. Adding, “BUT we’re running late and you need to get buckled in right now”, kind of just runs roughshod over what they’re feeling and perhaps invalidates it.

I think this a a perfect time for Magda Gerber’s advice to Slow Down.

“You really don’t want to get in the car. You’re so upset right now.” (Pause to slow my own breathing and get a little “zen”.) “I need to be sure you’re safe. Do you need another moment before I buckle you in? OK.” (Pausing again to keep my own breathing deep and slow, staying as unhurried and relaxed as I can.) “OK, I’m going to buckle you in now.” (Pause to let what I just said register and then gently and firmly talk my child through the process.) “I’m helping you with your right arm. And now your left. Here goes your chest clip. I need your bottom all the way in the seat. Please sit your bottom down all the way. I’m going to help you scoot your bottom back so that I can click your buckle. OK, now I’m making your straps snug. I know that you are still upset. You are crying and you look frustrated. It’s OK for you to be upset. This is a safe place for you and your feelings. I’m going to get in the front seat now but I will be listening to you.”

My general rule of thumb is, the louder and more upset a child is becoming, the softer and more intimate I become. It helps me to remain calm and I think it helps children to feel safer. I don’t need to put on a big parenting show for everyone in the cereal aisle, it’s just me and my kiddo trying to reconnect and that is done by going low and slow.”

I’d love to hear your questions, comments, and thoughts about setting limits with empathy. For more reading on a gentle, effective approach to discipline with infants and toddlers, I highly recommend  following this link and checking out the many articles Janet Lansbury has written on the topic.

Sarah MorrisonA special thanks to Sarah Morrison, who is an Early Childhood specialist who lives in Northern California. Her passion for providing quality child care for young children led her to study Waldorf Education with Lifeways North America, which is where she was introduced to the inspired writings of Magda Gerber and RIE. Soon after, she completed the RIE Foundations course. Sarah runs a mixed-age nursery school program from her home.

The Secret To Turning A Toddler’s “No!” Into A “Yes!”

 Toddlers may not be able to say many words, but they can sure let us know how they feel about all those people who keep telling them what to do. “No!” “Not now! “Go Away!”  (From 1, 2, 3…. The Toddler Years: A Practical Guide for Parents & Caregivers) 

The Central Coast  Early Care and Education Conference took place this past Saturday at Cabrillo College in Aptos. I was particularly excited to attend a workshop given by Sandy Davie, Nora Caruso, and Sharon Dowe of  the Santa Cruz Toddler Center. The Toddler Center was founded as a non-profit in 1976, by two working women who were concerned about the lack of quality care for very young children. The first of its kind in the Western States, the center’s  philosophy and practice is based on Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) , the program founded by infant specialist Magda Gerber.

It is always inspiring and uplifting to listen to and learn from others who are involved in and passionate about ideas and work similar to my own. One of the things I most miss about working in a childcare  center is the collaboration with, and support of colleagues. It can sometimes be a little bit lonely and a little bit hard to be the sole adult at home caring for a toddler (and his sister) even though I have chosen this work and love doing it. ( My role as a nanny gives me great compassion and insight into the challenges parents face – especially stay at home Moms or Dads.)

Little did I know I was to have the opportunity to participate in an exercise that would serve as a powerful reminder of the importance of slowing down, and including the child I’m caring for in whatever is happening. Another workshop participant and I were asked to imagine we were one year old children playing happily together. (We were given a pad of post it notes as our toy.) All of a sudden, as I was happily crumpling the paper, and experimenting with the sticky strip, one of my “teachers” approached me from behind, and without any warning, tried to put my jacket on. She was talking to me loudly about hurrying up to get ready to go outside. I resisted her by turning away, and refusing to put my arms in the jacket. I glared at her, and told her “No”, but she insisted, saying I would be cold if I didn’t put my jacket on, and telling me she didn’t understand why I was being so difficult. I could tell she was frustrated with my resistance, but her frustration only fueled my fire. Then we stopped the role play and processed what had just happened. I can’t tell you how irritated I felt. I actually didn’t hear much of what my “teacher” was saying to me, so intent was I at fending off her unwanted ministrations. All of her talking just sounded like noise to me. The whole experience felt a little like having a mosquito buzz in your ear while you are trying to sleep.

DSC_4068

Next, the exercise was repeated, but the “teacher” moved more slowly, came to me and made eye contact, and let me know that in a few minutes it would be time to get ready to go outside to play. I wasn’t surprised when she returned a few minutes later and told me it was time to put away my toy and get ready to go outside. She explained  it was cold outside, and she thought I’d be more comfortable if I wore my jacket. She gave me the choice of getting the jacket from my cubby by myself, or going with her and doing it together. She asked me if she could help me put my jacket on, before continuing.  This time, I understood what was happening, and what she was requesting, and it was easier for me to cooperate with her. But something unexpected happened. When my “teacher” went to zip my coat, I suddenly had a strong urge to resist. I wanted to do it myself! I stepped back, and pulled the zipper from her hands. She understood, and acknowledged, “You want to try to zip your jacket by yourself.” She then  let me spend a few minutes trying to zip the jacket before asking if she could help me by starting the zipper for me. What a different feeling I had inside this time!

Fast forward to today. It started raining  just as J. and I were about to walk out the door to pick up his sister from school. We were running a few minutes behind due to the fact that he had slept a little later than usual, but since we were walking, I had to stop to get his rain jacket. I was feeling a little rushed, and was grateful when J. happily cooperated with putting his jacket on. But, as I reached to zip the jacket, he stepped back and said “No Lisa, I do it myself.” My first impulse was to tell him we didn’t have time, and I would do it for him, and he could do it next time, but suddenly I just stopped, took a breath and said “OK, you try.”

In the moment J. stepped back, I had a flashback to Saturday, and I literally felt, in my own body, J.’s absolute need to try to do the zipper himself . I waited quietly while he tried once, twice, three times. He narrated, “I can do it.” “Hey almost.” “It goes here,” as he tried to fit the two pieces of the zipper together. It felt like a long time to me, but it was actually only two minutes. When he looked up at me, I gently asked, “How about if I start it for you, and you can finish zipping it?” He nodded, and so I bent down, and fitted the two pieces together, and he zipped the jacket easily. He broke into a huge grin, and he pulled himself up tall. The message was clear- he felt satisfied and proud of himself. He took my hand and we set off for school together.

Have you guessed the secret to turning a toddler’s “No!”  into a “Yes!” yet? My willingness to step back and wait for J. to try to zip his own jacket most likely avoided a power struggle between us. So many times, my ability to just let go, and wait a minute (or not) determines whether or not a struggle will ensue. I admire  J.’s strong spirit, his fierce independence, and his desire to try things for himself. And the experience I had on Saturday reminded me of just how important it is  for me to slow down, and  give him the time and the respect of allowing him to participate fully in whatever we’re doing together, as often as possible.