Respectful Parenting Symposium With Janet Lansbury

I am so excited and honored to be teaming up with Janet Lansbury to offer an afternoon question-and-answer symposium in Santa Cruz, CA, on October 7, 2017. I hope some of you will be able to join us. It is sure to be a lively discussion! Tickets are available now, and you can purchase them by clicking on the link below.

Each paid ticket will also be entered into a drawing to win prizes such as signed copies of Janet’s bestselling books, Elevating Childcare and No Bad Kids, a personal phone consult with Janet or me, a free parent/infant class, and an infant toy basket. For those of you who can’t attend, Janet offers wonderful resources online to support you in your parenting journey, including her Respectful Parenting podcast series, and new recorded sessions, which are individual recordings of live consultations with parents discussing their most pressing parenting issues.

On Our Way, With a Little Help From Our Friends (A Christmas Miracle)

Wonder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As many of you know, I am in the (very long, painfully slow) process of adopting my niece R from the foster care system, and to that end, I  have been required to remain in the state of Florida (where she was born) throughout this past year. On December tenth, R and I received a ruling from the court that I consider to be nothing short of a Christmas miracle. The judge approved my request to return home to Santa Cruz, California, with R, in February of 2014.

One year ago, R was just shy of five months old, and we had been together for just three weeks:

Tomorrow, she will be 17 months old, and we will have been together for a little over a year. She is a RIE baby through and through and has developed all of her gross motor milestones naturally.

I was in the kitchen preparing dinner last week, while she contentedly played in her play area. I turned around to see her sitting at the top of the small, wooden climbing structure that had been sitting in her play space since she was about 6 months old. She had never paid any attention to it before. I grabbed the phone camera, and for the next half hour, I watched and recorded in silent awe, as she proceeded to navigate the climber on her terms:

Those of you who have been following us on our journey through this past year know that it’s been quite a ride. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and for us, that phrase holds special meaning. Through it all, despite being quite isolated and alone here in Florida, I have been privileged to have the support of the most incredible, generous group of friends back home in California, as well as an amazing online community of parents and educators, who are also endeavoring to raise their babies with Magda Gerber’s principles of respect.

It has been an honor to be able to contribute to the RIE/Mindful Parenting Group on Facebook, and it is not an exaggeration to say that the relationships I have formed, and the support I have received in return for my participation, have made it possible for me to survive this past year with all of its many emotional and financial challenges.

We still have some hurdles to face and overcome before the adoption is final, and I will remain under state supervision in California (meaning, having to clear another background check, submitting to another home study, monthly visits from a social worker, and endless piles of paperwork and red tape), but returning home also means that we will have nearby friends and community surrounding us, and I will be able to return to work and teaching parenting classes, as I will have access to childcare that I trust. At this time, I am relying on friends back in Santa Cruz to help with home hunting, and I am busy trying to navigate the logistics of a move across country with an active toddler in tow! (All housing leads appreciated!)

Together

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happens, R and I will be together, and that, my friends, fills my heart with joy. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for your caring, your sharing, your generosity, and your ongoing emotional and practical support. Thank you for helping me to bring R home. We couldn’t have made it this far without you. Sending much love and many warm wishes for the happiest of holidays to you and yours, Lisa

 

Parenting Is A Journey -Sign Posts to Guide You

Janis Keyser, author of Becoming The Parent You Want To Be, opened her talk Parenting Is A Journey by sharing that Laura Davis, who is the  co-author of the book, lobbied hard for titling the book Become The Parent You Want To Be. Janis argued that they couldn’t name the book Become The Parent You Want To Be because “no one will ever do it.” She explained,  “It’s impossible to become the parent you want to be, because parenting is a process, one that you approach day by day.  It’s about becoming.” She noted that there really is no easy way to prepare to be a parent. “You can care for or teach other people’s children, but the real “training” comes once you become a parent. It’s on the job training, when you are sleep deprived and there is no time.” And if you are a parent to more than one child, “each child asks of you to be a different parent.”

 

Let Go of Perfection 

Perfection is not the goal. It’s about letting go of perfection, and being with what is. “Children give us a second chance to see the world with fresh eyes.”

“Perfect parents are not useful for children, because perfect parents don’t model how you make a mistake, and what you do next.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I made a mistake. I will try to do that in a different way the next time.”  Children think adults are so competent. They think you know everything. What a wonderful example you set when you model for them: “You can be as big and as competent as I am, and still be learning.”

 

Define Values

“HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.” A.A. Milne

 

Janis said this scene from a Winnie The Pooh story is a good analogy for parenting. You go bumping along from day to day doing the best you can. It may be the only way you know, but sometimes you may have an inking that there might be another way, if only you had a moment to stop and think about it! Learning about, and understanding how your child develops can help you, as can taking time to reflect on the values you want to teach. Take the time to stop for a moment and consider how you’d answer these two questions (we did this exercise in the workshop):

1) Imagine your your child as a twenty year old. If you asked him to complete the following sentence what would you want him to say? (Try to think of five things you’d want him to say he learned.) In my family I learned:

2) Now, can you think of one example, or one way that you transmitted one of these values to your child this week?

It can also be helpful to reflect upon what you learned in your family, and to ask yourself if these are values you want to pass on to your children. Often times, you may find you unconsciously parent exactly like your parents or exactly the opposite of your parents. You may find that you share similar values, but have a different way of teaching them. Janis, who is the mother of three, stepmother to five, and grandmother to many children, was reminded of this one day when her late husband said to her, “You can send your mother home now,” but her mother wasn’t visiting. Her husband’s words made Janis realize she was acting like her mother in a particular instance.

Our children learn from every single interaction they have with us, even the hard ones. We are always sending messages, both implicit and explicit through every exchange we have with our children. It’s not just our tone of voice and what we say that conveys our values, but also what we do, and the spirit in which we do it. To illustrate this point, Janis told a story about one of her daughters who had been going through an extended period of experiencing intense temper tantrums. Janis was feeling like nothing she was doing was helping her daughter. One day, in frustration, she asked her daughter what she could do to help her, because she didn’t know. Her daughter thought about it for a moment and said, “What you already do. Hold me. Keep me safe. Stay until I’m done. Listen to me.” Janis realized then that her daughter was getting the message she wanted to send, even though she was still struggling.

Janis’s four year old son once had a fascination with guns, and one day he constructed a toy gun out of legos, and came to show her. His explanation to her was that the gun he made shot the guns out of the bad guys’ hands and made them peaceful. At the age of four, her son understood that if he was going to talk with Janis about guns, the conversation somehow had to include peace.

Another time, her thirteen year old daughter wanted to attend a movie that Janis wasn’t sure was appropriate. As Janis was debating whether or not to let her daughter go to the movie, she suggested maybe she would go to the movie with her daughter. Her daughter”s response? “Mom you  don’t need to go to the movie with me. Your voice is already in my head!”

 

Walk together
On the Journey Together

 

Share Values Through Relationship

We tell our children what it is they can talk about through opening up the conversation, not through correcting, but through listening, and through sharing our own feelings. If we don’t talk about and share our feelings, then children learn not to talk about feelings. Janis talked about being a “champion crier” as a small child, yet as she grew up she internalized the message “Big girls don’t cry.” She was never told to stop crying, and  her mother sometimes cried, but when her mother cried it was always clear that she was disappointed in herself . To this day, when Janis’s mother calls to talk with her, Janis is always “Fine!” (said with a great big smile), no matter how she feels or what is happening in her life.

We can show interest in our children’s experience, by trying to understand the thinking behind their thinking. “Tell me more.” “How do you think that happens?” The conversation between parent and child is ideally a give and take. When a Mom takes the time to slow down and share in her child’s fascination with watching a catepillar, this is seemingly a small gesture, but here are some of the messages the child might receive in that moment: “Simple shared moments can bring joy.” “What I notice is important.” ” What I am motivated by is interesting to those who love me.” “Sharing a discovery is even better than making a discovery on my own.” “I can learn more through patient observation than by quickly moving on.”

 

Understand Development and Embrace the Struggle

“There are a few things you can’t make a child do. You can’t make them eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. What you can do is set up the context, create the space, and provide rhythm, and predictability.”

Discipline is one of the greatest gifts we can give children. Boundaries can be created in a respectful and honoring way. “The reason children are given parents is so they can set limits because children don’t always have the experience to make all the best decisions at the moment.” They can learn to make good choices in time, with practice, and within the safe parameters parents provide. The key to setting a limit respectfully is to ask yourself  “What is the good idea that my child has? What is she trying to express, and how can I help her to figure out how to express this idea in a positive way?” For instance, a child who is biting may be trying to express, “I’m teething, it hurts, and it feels really good to chomp on your arm.” Or maybe it’s, “I really want the toy you have in your hand.” Or maybe it’s, “I feel crowded when you get too close.” Or maybe it’s even, “I love you so much, I could just bite you!”

Acknowledge the good idea (what the child is trying to express). “You are feeling crowded. You want some space.” Give information: “You may move away,  or tell Emily to stop if she’s coming too close.” Create safety using both physical and verbal boundaries: “I am here to help you and to keep everyone safe.” Place a hand between two children to prevent a bite. In the case of a child who is biting because of feeling crowded, maybe you stay close to provide narration, or set up a private, quiet space the child can retreat to, or maybe you avoid attending group events  for a time. Give redirection and choices: “I can’t let you bite Emily, but you may bite one of these teething toys if you need to bite.” Acknowledge progress:”You were feeling frustrated when Emily got too close today, but you didn’t bite! You moved away!”  Give the message, “I know you are learning and growing into a person who can express feelings and get your needs without hurting anyone.”

Redefine your role as a coach or facilitator. Honor the process, the struggle, the frustration. “What would it be like if your child was in the middle of a struggle and you were her cheerleader? Ask yourself if there is a way to help your child have a positive, deeply healthy relationship to their struggle, to their feelings, to ALL of them, not just the happy ones.” With your guidance, and modeling, your child can learn to move through feelings to find accomplishment on the other side, and “the next 100,000 times a struggle presents itself, they will have this experience to draw upon.”

In this post, I’ve shared the highlights of Janis Keyser’s April 24th,2012, talk, Parenting Is A Journey, given at The Third Place in Los Altos, California. Janis is a teacher, parent educator, program director and speaker who specializes in Early Childhood Development. She taught for 30 years in the Early Childhood Education Department at Cabrillo College and has been conducting workshops for parents and teachers for over 35 years. She is a nationally recognized speaker at parenting, family and child development conferences. She lives in Santa Cruz, California and is the mother of three, stepmother of five, and grandmother of many.

 

 

 

 

 

The Secret To Turning A Toddler’s “No!” Into A “Yes!”

 Toddlers may not be able to say many words, but they can sure let us know how they feel about all those people who keep telling them what to do. “No!” “Not now! “Go Away!”  (From 1, 2, 3…. The Toddler Years: A Practical Guide for Parents & Caregivers) 

The Central Coast  Early Care and Education Conference took place this past Saturday at Cabrillo College in Aptos. I was particularly excited to attend a workshop given by Sandy Davie, Nora Caruso, and Sharon Dowe of  the Santa Cruz Toddler Center. The Toddler Center was founded as a non-profit in 1976, by two working women who were concerned about the lack of quality care for very young children. The first of its kind in the Western States, the center’s  philosophy and practice is based on Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) , the program founded by infant specialist Magda Gerber.

It is always inspiring and uplifting to listen to and learn from others who are involved in and passionate about ideas and work similar to my own. One of the things I most miss about working in a childcare  center is the collaboration with, and support of colleagues. It can sometimes be a little bit lonely and a little bit hard to be the sole adult at home caring for a toddler (and his sister) even though I have chosen this work and love doing it. ( My role as a nanny gives me great compassion and insight into the challenges parents face – especially stay at home Moms or Dads.)

Little did I know I was to have the opportunity to participate in an exercise that would serve as a powerful reminder of the importance of slowing down, and including the child I’m caring for in whatever is happening. Another workshop participant and I were asked to imagine we were one year old children playing happily together. (We were given a pad of post it notes as our toy.) All of a sudden, as I was happily crumpling the paper, and experimenting with the sticky strip, one of my “teachers” approached me from behind, and without any warning, tried to put my jacket on. She was talking to me loudly about hurrying up to get ready to go outside. I resisted her by turning away, and refusing to put my arms in the jacket. I glared at her, and told her “No”, but she insisted, saying I would be cold if I didn’t put my jacket on, and telling me she didn’t understand why I was being so difficult. I could tell she was frustrated with my resistance, but her frustration only fueled my fire. Then we stopped the role play and processed what had just happened. I can’t tell you how irritated I felt. I actually didn’t hear much of what my “teacher” was saying to me, so intent was I at fending off her unwanted ministrations. All of her talking just sounded like noise to me. The whole experience felt a little like having a mosquito buzz in your ear while you are trying to sleep.

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Next, the exercise was repeated, but the “teacher” moved more slowly, came to me and made eye contact, and let me know that in a few minutes it would be time to get ready to go outside to play. I wasn’t surprised when she returned a few minutes later and told me it was time to put away my toy and get ready to go outside. She explained  it was cold outside, and she thought I’d be more comfortable if I wore my jacket. She gave me the choice of getting the jacket from my cubby by myself, or going with her and doing it together. She asked me if she could help me put my jacket on, before continuing.  This time, I understood what was happening, and what she was requesting, and it was easier for me to cooperate with her. But something unexpected happened. When my “teacher” went to zip my coat, I suddenly had a strong urge to resist. I wanted to do it myself! I stepped back, and pulled the zipper from her hands. She understood, and acknowledged, “You want to try to zip your jacket by yourself.” She then  let me spend a few minutes trying to zip the jacket before asking if she could help me by starting the zipper for me. What a different feeling I had inside this time!

Fast forward to today. It started raining  just as J. and I were about to walk out the door to pick up his sister from school. We were running a few minutes behind due to the fact that he had slept a little later than usual, but since we were walking, I had to stop to get his rain jacket. I was feeling a little rushed, and was grateful when J. happily cooperated with putting his jacket on. But, as I reached to zip the jacket, he stepped back and said “No Lisa, I do it myself.” My first impulse was to tell him we didn’t have time, and I would do it for him, and he could do it next time, but suddenly I just stopped, took a breath and said “OK, you try.”

In the moment J. stepped back, I had a flashback to Saturday, and I literally felt, in my own body, J.’s absolute need to try to do the zipper himself . I waited quietly while he tried once, twice, three times. He narrated, “I can do it.” “Hey almost.” “It goes here,” as he tried to fit the two pieces of the zipper together. It felt like a long time to me, but it was actually only two minutes. When he looked up at me, I gently asked, “How about if I start it for you, and you can finish zipping it?” He nodded, and so I bent down, and fitted the two pieces together, and he zipped the jacket easily. He broke into a huge grin, and he pulled himself up tall. The message was clear- he felt satisfied and proud of himself. He took my hand and we set off for school together.

Have you guessed the secret to turning a toddler’s “No!”  into a “Yes!” yet? My willingness to step back and wait for J. to try to zip his own jacket most likely avoided a power struggle between us. So many times, my ability to just let go, and wait a minute (or not) determines whether or not a struggle will ensue. I admire  J.’s strong spirit, his fierce independence, and his desire to try things for himself. And the experience I had on Saturday reminded me of just how important it is  for me to slow down, and  give him the time and the respect of allowing him to participate fully in whatever we’re doing together, as often as possible.