Category: Relationship

Respectful Parenting Symposium With Janet Lansbury

I am so excited and honored to be teaming up with Janet Lansbury to offer an afternoon question-and-answer symposium in Santa Cruz, CA, on October 7, 2017. I hope some of you will be able to join us. It is sure to be a lively discussion! Tickets are available now, and you can purchase them by clicking on the link below.

Each paid ticket will also be entered into a drawing to win prizes such as signed copies of Janet’s bestselling books, Elevating Childcare and No Bad Kids, a personal phone consult with Janet or me, a free parent/infant class, and an infant toy basket. For those of you who can’t attend, Janet offers wonderful resources online to support you in your parenting journey, including her Respectful Parenting podcast series, and new recorded sessions, which are individual recordings of live consultations with parents discussing their most pressing parenting issues.

Please, Thank You, I’m Sorry…Trusting Children to Develop Social Skills and Manners In Time

KidandCat“Can you explain why we don’t need to tell toddlers to say sorry, thank you, please, etc? My child’s caregiver told her she needs to say sorry when she “does something bad”, which in this case was poking the caregiver’s eye. My daughter is 19 months old.

“Say please.” “Say thank you.” “Say you’re sorry.” “Say hello.” “Say goodbye.” We can instruct or insist that our young children parrot our words, but if we want them to develop true kindness, if we want them to develop social graces and true empathy, if we want them to develop the ability to feel and express true gratitude, if we want them to express true sorrow when they have hurt someone (even inadvertently), directly instructing them isn’t the way to go.

Instead, I suggest trusting children and modeling for them the values and attitudes we desire to instill. If young children are treated and talked to with respect, they will, in time, learn to talk to and treat others with kindness and respect, no prompting or reminders needed, and it’s a beautiful thing to witness a young child acting from a genuine and authentic place, as opposed to hearing them issue a half hearted and hasty thank you or I’m sorry that is prompted by an adult.

It can be hard to wait and trust, but make no mistake, your child is watching, listening, and absorbing YOUR words, actions and attitudes.  Janet Lansbury says:

“Trust, whenever and wherever it’s possible, reasonable and age-appropriate, is one of the most profound gifts we can give our children. Through trust we offer children opportunities to fully own their achievements and internalize the validating message: “I did it!” This, as opposed to the far less self-affirming one: “Finally, I did what my parents have been wanting me to do!” Believe me, children know the difference.”

What a child experiences and lives is what a child eventually expresses in their own particular and unique way. How do we model for  children? We can say please and thank you to our child when making requests. We can let them hear us saying a genuine, “I’m sorry,” when we have made a mistake. We can greet friends and loved ones warmly. We can say thank you on our child’s behalf. “Thank you for coming to help celebrate Julie’s birthday and for the beautiful book you brought for her.”

We often receive gifts in the mail from far away friends, and since my child has been a young toddler, I’ve always made it a point to open the boxes with her, and to say, “Our friend Dee sent these gifts for you, because she loves you and thinks of you. We are so lucky to have friends who think of us. I want to write to Dee to say thank you.”

Every child has their own time table.  For a child who is on the autism spectrum and who struggles with feeling comfortable with social interactions asking them to follow social conventions is something that may be beyond their ability, and may cause more harm than it does good. As Raun K. Kaufman explains in his post, Why Forced Social Niceties Lead To Less Social Kids:

“Do you ever make your child on the ‪#‎autism‬ spectrum say “hello,” shake someone’s hand, pose for photos, or obey some similar‪#‎SocialConvention‬?

I completely understand where the desire to do this comes from. And, because of this, I’m also aware that it might be hard to see how counterproductive it can be.

Forcing our kids to obey these social niceties creates the opposite of a social child. Why? Here are three reasons:

1) It breaks trust and connection by forcing the child to do something against his/her will.
2) It creates a control battle, which actually causes our kids to dig in and resist more.
3) It takes the most important area of our kids’ learning and growth (i.e., social interaction) and transforms it into a meaningless task that is completely divorced from real social connection.”

Until my child was about three and a half years old, she never once uttered a please, a thank you, or an I’m sorry, and hellos and goodbyes were pretty hit or miss as well. She’s a gentle, observant child who feels deeply and is quite verbal, but is a little slow to warm in social situations. I trusted that if I was patient and continued to model for her, that one day, she would spontaneously begin to express her feelings in socially acceptable ways, and sure enough, she did. She now routinely greets friends with hugs and blows kisses goodbye, she shows concern and offers comfort when a friend is sad or has been injured, she says please and thank you regularly, and at the park the other day, she spontaneously offered to share her snack with a little girl who was eyeing her kale chips.

It began one day when our cat Pandera was ill, and Carmel, the woman who had fostered her, came to check on her and administer medicine. She also brought a book for R. which she thought R. would enjoy, (since my little one is obsessed with all things cat). R. was quite worried about Pandera, and I told her that Carmel was going to come and check on her while she was at school that day. On the way home from school, R. asked about Pandera, and I told her Carmel had visited, and Pandera seemed to be feeling much better. I also mentioned that Carmel had left a book for R. to read to Pandera.R. was relieved and excited, “I’m so glad Pandera is feeling better, Mama.” Then…. “Mama, I want to write a card to say thank you to Carmel for helping Pandera, and for bringing me a book. Pandera is a special cat, and Carmel is special because she took care of Pandera, AND she brought me a book to read to Pandera. Is that a good idea?” I said that I thought it was a fine idea.

catstory

Once we got home, after running to pet Pandera, R. asked me to help her find a card with a picture of a cat on it (“because Carmel likes cats like me”), and then, my child, who has difficulty sitting still for more than two minutes at a time, sat at the kitchen table for half an hour, as she carefully and painstakingly “wrote” and signed a thank you note to Carmel. She then sealed it in an envelope, and insisted on “wrapping” it in a plastic baggie (because it was raining and she didn’t want it to get wet), and she placed it by the door with instructions for me to, “Please don’t forget to give the card to Carmel when she comes tomorrow, because I want her to know how special she is.”

My heart swelled. That, my friends, was a three and a half year old child’s genuine, heartfelt, and authentic expression of gratitude to another human being she felt a connection with, and it was so worth waiting for her to come to the point of wanting and being able to express it in her own way.

Trust. Model. Believe in the inherent goodness and intelligence of your child. Please, thank you, hello, goodbye, and I’m sorry will come in it’s own good time.

Entering Into A Conversation With Your Baby

“What are some things to say to a baby when he is upset for no clear reason (fresh diaper, fed, not too cold/warm, not tired, etc)? My husband and I have gotten into the habit of saying ‘You’re OK’ to our 3 month old. We say it more as a reassurance that he is indeed safe and secure (which we frequently also say) rather than to negate his feelings. I’m at a loss for other phrases to use but don’t want this one to become any more of a habit, especially for when he is older.”

“I see you as the separate little person that you are. You know and feel things that you want and need to express. You want and need to be heard. You have a lot to say. I see you. I hear you. I’m listening. I want to hear and understand who you are and what you have to say. Tell me. I am here for you.”  This is a conversation and relationship that begins at birth and evolves over time. You convey this message to your young baby through your words, through your touch, through maintaining an attitude of curiosity, openness, and respect.

 

R and me

“Remember, crying is a baby’s language—it is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness. Acknowledge the emotions your baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.

For example, you might say, ‘I see you’re uncomfortable. And hearing you cry really upsets me. I want to find out what you need. Tell me. I will try to understand your cues…’… Then think out loud. ‘Could it be that your diaper is wet? I don’t think you are hungry because you just ate. Maybe I’ve been holding you long enough and maybe you want to be on your back for a while.’ This is the start of lifelong, honest communication.”  Magda Geber

I remember the first time I held my girl as if it was yesterday, even though that was two and a half years ago. She was just a few weeks old. As soon as she was placed in my arms, she began vocalizing. This was something that everyone present would notice and comment on over a period of four months, during the precious one hour visits we were allowed weekly. “As soon as she is in your arms, she starts “talking”.

 

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This is still true today, although now she has words. She lets me know how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking, in a very clear way, always. We don’t always agree.  I’m not always able to make things better or easier for her. Sometimes, all I can do or say is, “I hear you. This is hard.”  Sometimes, I have misunderstood, and gotten it wrong. But we have always been and  are always) in conversation with each other and my goal has always been (and still is)  to try to listen and understand, and to allow her to feel heard, seen and accepted for exactly who she is. It’s an attitude and a belief as much as anything else. “I am interested in hearing what you have to say and trying to understand who you are and what you need.”

Early on, I said things like this:  “What do you want to tell me?” “Tell me more.”  “You are so upset.”  “I’m listening.” “I’m here.” “You have a lot to tell me.” “You seem uncomfortable.” “I wonder what you’re trying to tell me?”  “It’s OK to cry.” ” I wonder if you would like to go outside for a walk?”” I wonder if you are tired and need to rest?” “Would you like me to sing you a song?” “It’s hard to be a baby sometimes, isn’t it?” “I’m trying to/want to understand what you’re telling me.”

Enter into the conversation with your baby. Let her know that what she has to say is important to you, and that you are trying to understand. Ask her questions and wait for her response. Be with her in her experience as fully as you are able. It’s the beginning of a beautiful relationship, and a lifetime of conversation.

The Gift in Slowing Down to a Child’s Pace

Tabitha writes, “I wanted to share an experience from my family’s first vacation. I just returned form a two-week stay in Mexico with my husband and 15 month old daughter. The first week was shared with my entire extended family as we celebrated the wedding of my younger sister. I was extremely excited to introduce my daughter to the beach and the swimming pool. I grew up in the water and my daughter loves the bath so I looked forward to her excitement in playing in such vast bodies of water.

We have been taking RIE classes since my little one was 7 months old, but it was as if everything got thrown out the window at the beginning of vacation. After arrival, we immediately went down to the pool to meet my family so everyone could see my daughter’s first pool experience. In my excitement, I did not see that it had become about everyone else’s experience, not my daughter’s. My husband and I got in, but my daughter was hesitant.

I still can’t believe it, but I picked her up and brought her in with me! She started crying and I looked around at my family members (strangers to her at this point) trying to “make” her happy by making crazy faces at her and I was snapped back to reality. What was I doing? We got out, I apologized to her for bringing her in when she was clearly not ready, and we explored the grounds by her lead.

Gracie on the beach, 2002

Later that day, I walked with her down to the beach, just me and my daughter. I explained where we were going but I had no expectations, no agenda. We walked to where the sand meets the water and I sat down and my daughter stood between my legs. Our faces were next to each other as we looked out to the ocean. She stood there for five minutes, mouth half open in awe. Five quiet minutes of awe. She will never see the ocean again for the first time, and I was fully present, and honored to share the moment. It was so beautifully overwhelming, I shed tears.

After five minutes, she pushed off me and walked right into the water! On her terms. It was hard keeping her out of the water for the rest of vacation (even the pool, after allowing her to enter on her terms). Reflecting that night, I realized the pool experience was really all about me, masked as me giving her an experience. I wanted to force a beautiful moment like what happened on the beach, yet, what happened on the beach unfolded organically. I didn’t know we were going to have that moment, I was just present to receive the gift. Funny, cameras documented everything at the pool and we have none of the beach moment yet that five-minute memory is seared into my soul.

I love RIE, love this community, and love the continued inspiration to grow as a mother.

I appreciate Tabitha allowing me to share this beautiful story, which I feels illustrates the profound connection and joy available to both parents and young children when we can slow down just a little to be present with, and allow for what naturally unfolds, leaving our agenda behind, and trusting our children to be active participants in their own experience, recognizing that they have a point of view too.  If you’d like to learn more, the community Tabitha is referring to can be found here, and the basic premises of RIE can be found here.

The Cat in the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party!

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(With thanks to Janet Lansbury for the title!)

I actually took this picture of R’s play space about three weeks ago, but it seemed appropriate to post here, today. R had been playing, and then went for a nap, and I went to tidy up her play space and happened upon this scene, which just made me break down in laughter. I shared this photo on facebook, and it seemed to bring joy to many, and also resulted in this most amazing conversation/revelation which I also want to share, as a testimony to the power of social media to connect  and strengthen all of us.

In response to this photo, Ody, who lives in New York and is someone I have yet to meet in person, but who is a facebook friend and follower responded:

“I must tell you that my father who doesn’t speak, read or write much English is one of your followers. (I told him about you and how we are implementing a RIE approach at our home.)”

I  replied: “Your comment just made me cry (happy tears). Thank you. That is just so beautiful that your father wants to learn and talk about RIE with you, and I am beyond honored that he’d take the time and effort required to translate my posts. So often, I hear from people that their families don’t understand or are critical. And to think that the Internet has made this all possible. It just blows me away.”

Ody: “He took the liberty of adding you and with the help of a dictionary reads everything and then comes and talks about it with the rest of the family and I! He is a wonderful father and always being very respectful and loving towards us, his kids!

Now I am going to translate! Lol! Menegildo Cruz, Le explique a mi amiga Lisa, que usted ha sido un padre maravilloso, muy respetuoso y que siempre ha estado informado y muy al día con todo los acontecimientos.Lo mucho que me apoya con Lulu y el hecho de esta en FB aún con su poca limitación en el Inglés y tecnología. Lo amo!”

Ody: “Awww, you have no idea how much impact your posts have in our life. We talk about it during dinner time! Is part of my bonding with him. He has always being a man ahead of his time, but most of all a great listener. Always paying attention to what’s important to us.This is a man that used to wake up hours before my mom to make us breakfast, that used to cut newspaper articles and send then to me while I was away in college so when on his phone calls to me on Saturdays we could talk about it. Thank you, for creating this platform and educating us. Besos”

Someone very close to me, who has been a friend, a teacher, and a mentor, and who knew Magda Gerber well, recently expressed her doubts about on-line relationships and learning. She asked me, “Do you really think it’s possible for people to connect in a real way on-line? Do you really think we can share RIE in a way that is authentic, and will help people to understand, learn, and make use of the philosophy without the face to face “in person” connection?”  My answer is yes! This conversation is an example of that for me. It warmed my heart and confirmed for me what is possible when we engage in, and use social media authentically, responsibly and with intention. There are drawbacks  and limitations to be sure, but today, I wanted to share with you a possibility.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Toddler Testing: Problem or Opportunity?

“Go slowly and with great patience.” Magda Gerber

Emma writes: “I really struggle with a particular issue at meal times with my 11 month old son. He is awesome with washing hands, but pulls away, pulls at the cloth, and tries with all his might to throw it on the floor when I wipe his face. I’ve tried slowing down. I always tell him what I am going to do before I do it, and I have tried offering the cloth to him. (He throws it as far away as possible, every time.) How do you do it???”

Communication, conversation, turn taking, cooperation, independence, and self mastery all develop through the everyday care routines (feeding, nose wiping, diaper changing, bathing, etc. ) we engage in with our infants and toddlers.

Emma, I think you just have to keep trying, remain calm and consistent, and trust that one day your son is going to understand and choose to participate and cooperate more.  If you go very slowly, stay calm, and keep talking him through the process while asking and waiting for his participation and cooperation, it will get easier one day.

Maybe it will help you to know that not everything always goes so smoothly around here. For instance, when R was about 11 months old, she decided that she absolutely did not want anything at all to do with diaper changing. She would crawl over to her diaper changing area when I noted it was time for a change, but it was all downhill from there. Once she got to the changing pad, she would not stay still. She would not stay on her back for even the two minutes it took me to fasten her diaper. She spent every diaper change trying to escape, grabbing at the wipes and the diaper, trying to kick me, bucking her body, and yelling at me in protest.

For my part, I started to dread diaper changes. I did them as infrequently as possible. I found myself asking, then  pleading for, and finally demanding cooperation. (Demanding didn’t work so well.)  I tried everything I knew how to do. Slowing down. Talking with her. Asking for her permission and participation. Letting her roll and play. I tried to do as much of the diaper change as I could while she was on her tummy. I tried singing silly songs.

Each time, it would go like this: She’d roll onto her tummy and try to escape. I’d wait a minute, and try to involve her in the task at hand. I would hand her the diaper to hold, and she’d drop it on the floor and laugh. I’d hand her the box of wipes, wait for her to pull one out, and ask her to hand it to me, and she’d drop it on the floor and laugh. I’d ask her to turn on her back after letting her roll around for 3 minutes, and I knew she understood, because she’d get very still, then turn on her back, give a grin, and flip right back onto her tummy again. I’d try, in vain, to encourage her to help me dress her, by asking her to push her limbs through the holes of her clothing, and she’d squirm away and flail. I could feel myself growing impatient and my blood pressure rising.

One day, when poop was flying everywhere, my patience was short, and asking her to stay still wasn’t working, I insisted she had to stay still, and I “helped” her by placing one arm across her body so she couldn’t roll.  This didn’t feel good to me, and for her part, she let me know how she felt about being restrained by literally growling at me!

It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fun for me, but as much as she complained and protested during the diaper change, she’d go back to happily playing and babbling once it was all over, while I was left feeling frustrated, cleaning up poop from every surface, wondering what I was doing wrong, and thinking, “There’s got to be an easier way.” I  found myself looking on-line at those diaper changing devices that “gently restrain” babies, and promise easy, mess free diaper changing. (Yes, I did!!!) I had to laugh at myself, because after all, here I was, supposedly one of the diaper changing queens of the baby world!

What happened? Our diaper changing times used to be such wonderful times of connection and closeness, and now, almost every time, it was miserable for both of us. What happened was that my girl was maturing into a young toddler. She was mobile and also asserting her will and personality. She was asking me to engage with her on her terms, as much as I was asking her to engage on mine. This (as I’d counseled many a parent in the past) was a good and positive sign of the trust she had developed in me to listen to her, and to do things with her, instead of for her or to her. As much as it was my job to gently bring her back to the task at hand, it was also my job to follow her lead a bit, and find a way to make room for, and enjoy her emerging playfulness and need to be in constant motion.

I re-read Janet Lansbury’s post,, Dealing With Diaper Changing Disasters, and Mamas In The Making post, Catch Me If You Can.

Finally, it dawned on me that maybe my attitude and approach needed to change if it was going to get any better. I had begun to look at diaper changing  time as a “problem” to be solved instead of an opportunity to build communication, cooperation, and connection. I just wanted to get the chore done. I anticipated that it was going to be a disaster, and more often than not it was. I also realized that I wanted R to listen to me, and participate, but on my terms and timeline. I forgot that what she was doing was crucial, and an important part of her learning process.

How often had I counseled other parents to try to relax, step back a little, and re-frame the issue (whatever it was)? It was time to take my own advice. I needed to adjust my attitude and expectations. “This isn’t a problem. It is an opportunity. This is just what’s happening right now. It’s part of the process of growth and learning. We’ve got to find a way to do it together.”

Amazingly enough, as soon as I stopped approaching the diaper changing time as a dreaded task to be gotten through, and tried to see it as a time to build connection, cooperation and communication, it got better and easier. R was suddenly more willing and able to cooperate. And then tonight, there was this, during another caregiving time:

I was wiping R’s face with a washcloth after dinner. She was grabbing at the cloth, and pushing my hand away. I said, “Would you like to hold the cloth and try by yourself?” while holding the cloth out to her with an open palm. She took the cloth and swiped at her face, then she reached out and handed the cloth back to me. I said, “Thank you!” She laughed, and reached for the cloth again, so I handed it back to her. We then spent the next ten minutes handing the cloth back and forth to each other. Each time she handed me the cloth, I said, “Thank you!” and she gave a delighted grin and belly laugh before reaching out to ask for the cloth again. This was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had, bar none.

Emma, I know that it’s not always easy, but try to trust that together with your son you will get to where you want to be (eventually). Try to look at the struggles as opportunities instead of problems. Remember that this is all a part of the process, and the building of a relationship and conversation that will last a lifetime. It takes time. Try to remember to slow down, and don’t forget to laugh when you can. Because the alternative is frustration for both of you, and who needs that? I promise you, if you stick with it,  there will come a day (and soon), when you will experience the joy of a reciprocal conversation with your boy, much like the one I had with R the other night, and I’d love to hear about it when it happens!

RIE From The Start- 2 Simple Things You Can Do to Support Baby

“Slow down, and then slow down some more. Indicate, and tell even a child who doesn’t understand verbal communication yet, “I’m going to pick you up.” And then comes my magic word. If people only remember that one word: Wait. Then you wait and the child gives a signal, most likely. It depends on the age. And then that means,”Aha. the penny dropped, I understand. I’m ready.” Then you pick up the child.

Very few people do that. Most people grab, and they pick up very fast as if they are picking the child up out of a fire. Everybody always rescues. I tell the mothers, “Imagine a giant comes who is much taller, stronger, bigger, and grabs you and you don’t even know what will happen to you. It’s scary. So, slow down. Give yourself time. Tell your child what you are going to do. Wait for a little response.” Magda Gerber

The inspiration for this post came from a recent conversation that occurred in as unlikely a place and with as unlikey a person as I could have ever imagined. I was in a courthouse in Delray Beach, Florida, talking with the State’s attorney. She asked for my contact information. I handed her my business card. She looked at it briefly, and then said, “What is it you do anyway?” “I work to support and educate parents to understand and enjoy their babies more, and to feel more confident and relaxed in their parenting role.” “How exactly do you do that?” “I write a blog, do personal consultations by phone or in person, and offer play groups for babies and their parents.” “Can I ask you a question?” “Sure.”

“My son and his wife are living with us. They have a new baby who is just 4 months old. We’re a close family. But I wonder… The baby cries and cries. It’s been a long time since I had my babies. I know babies cry, but I don’t remember mine crying so much. I worry because our household is very chaotic. There’s a lot of noise, a lot of activity, and a lot of people coming and going. The baby’s mom and dad hold him a lot, which sometimes calms him, but lately, when they put him down after he falls asleep, he wakes crying even harder, and can’t be calmed. Is there anything we can do to support him more?”

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And there was my cue.

No matter what your circumstances, no matter how chaotic the environment, no matter if you’ve heard of RIE or not, there are two simple things you can do to support your baby in adjusting more easily to his world. You can slow down and listen, (or observe), which will help you to begin to understand what your baby may be trying to tell you he needs, and you can talk with your baby, which will help him to make sense of his world, and to understand you.

It can be helpful to understand that all babies cry. This is a baby’s primary form of communication. A baby’s cry is meant to elicit a response. Some will cry more, some less. This may be due in part to a baby’s personality, environment, and/or birth circumstances. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with the baby or the parent. Most likely, the baby is crying because his system is immature, and it takes a good 3-4 months for him to adjust to being here on earth. In the early months, babies are settling, and everything is new and overwhelming to them. How we respond makes a difference in what they learn and how they experience us and their world.

Recognize that a simple change in position, from being snuggled in arms to being placed down in a crib for sleep, can be experienced in the baby’s body like a small earthquake, especially if it happens when they are asleep, and they’ve had no warning. So, it’s best to put the baby down when he is relaxed and drowsy, but not yet asleep, and to do this as slowly and gently as possible, and AFTER you have told him you are going to put him down (even if he has fallen asleep in your arms first).

Sometimes, you may be able to determine a cause for the crying, and act to alleviate the discomfort. He may be hungry, wet, tired, too hot or too cold, and feeding, changing, reducing stimulation and/or putting him down to sleep, or adding or subtracting layers of clothing may soothe and comfort him, and the crying will abate. It doesn’t hurt to tell him you are trying to understand, and to ask him why he is crying, or what he may need.

But sometimes, you may not be able to discern a reason for the tears, and no matter what you do, the crying may continue. Knowing and understanding that this is normal and natural can go a long way towards supporting both babies and their tired, overwhelmed parents. When your baby cries, take a moment to pause, listen, and do your best to try to understand what your baby is telling you.

“So then what?” Get into the habit of talking with your baby from early on, even if it feels odd, even if you don’t think he can understand or respond. (Recent research tells us that babies as young as two months old DO know, understand, and anticipate our intentions.) Tell him what to expect, and what you will do, before you do it, and then, pause and wait for his response. (Some parents have reported that silently counting to 10,  before moving on, helps them to pause and slow down to wait for the baby’s response.)

These two simple things- slowing down, and getting into the habit of talking with your baby and letting him know what to expect, will make a world of difference in his experience and yours. If you do this from the beginning, you will be establishing a relationship, communication, and trust that will last a lifetime, and serve to support both you and your baby now, and as he grows. Try it, and see if it makes a difference!

Trusting Baby To Be A Problem Solver

“Trust your baby’s competence: she wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. You also know that your child does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” Magda Gerber 

 

There’s a scene in Magda’s film, On Their Own With Our Help, that I’ve always loved. A baby gets stuck under a table, and is upset and crying. Magda doesn’t move the table, pull the baby out, or pick the baby up, but instead gets down under the table and talks to the baby, who is able to crawl out on his own. She then stays with him and comforts him until he’s calmer, and ready to move on.

Magda explains had she moved the table or simply picked the baby up, she would be depriving him of the opportunity to participate in the problem solving. Since the baby was in no real danger, she didn’t want to “rescue” him and send the message that he was completely helpless. She said, ” He did the crawling out on his own. I just helped show him the way.”

Self confidence, problem solving, competence, body and spatial awareness, resilience, trust, and language development. All of these grow and are strengthened through everyday interactions like this one.

We had a reenactment here the other day, when R., eleven and a half months old, rolled under the bed, got stuck, and started calling for me to help her:

 

I’m no expert with the camera, so forgive the shakiness, but there’s no mistaking the look of pleasure and pride R. experiences when she figures out what she needs to do, and does it, all on her own, with just a little support from me.

“The happiest, most self-confident babies are those who are respected as innately capable, encouraged to be active participants in their care (and life), and allowed to be achievers whenever possible.” Janet Lansbury

 

 

Tummy Time Baby’s Way

Natural, unassisted gross motor development means waiting for baby to choose tummy time. This is how it happens, or at least how it’s happening here…

One day before her 5 month birthday, R. turned onto her tummy all by herself. She was startled and didn’t like it much, and immediately let out a loud wail. After acknowledging what she had accomplished, “You turned onto your tummy!”,  I told her I was going to pick her up, and after a bit of cuddling, I placed her down in her play space on her back, where she contentedly continued to play for another hour.

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She chose not to return to the tummy position for almost a full month afterwards. She would play on her back, finding her toys,  bringing them to mid-line, and her mouth, and she also did quite a bit of playing while lying on her side, but she stopped short of turning onto her tummy.

Then one day, about a month later, she DID turn onto her tummy, and while it was clear to me that she was “ready” for this experience, as evidenced by the fact that she could lift her head and look around easily in this position, as well as support herself on her forearms, and reach and grab for toys, she was STILL clear she did not like it, and was uncomfortable.

I continued to put her on her back for play, and let her choose, and about two weeks ago, even though she never again turned onto her tummy during play time while awake, she started turning onto her tummy when she was in her crib, asleep. The change in position would inevitably wake her, and she’d cry out to me in distress.

I responded by going to her and acknowledging, “You turned onto your tummy, and you woke up. I am going to pick you up, and put you down on your back, so you can rest.” She would sigh and stretch out and go back to sleep, although I often didn’t! This cycle repeated itself 5 or 6 times a night.

For the past three nights, R. has continued to turn herself over in her sleep, and each time, she cries out briefly, but then immediately goes back to sleep on her own, still on her tummy. Here is how I find her when I go in to greet her in the morning:

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Today, one day shy of her 7 month birthday, she has been on a nap strike. She is clearly tired, and seems happy to be in her crib, but shortly after I leave the room, she cries out insistently, and when I respond, I find she is on her tummy, and often has moved a full 180 degrees from the position she was originally in.

She grins when she sees me, and I tell her (after a few minutes of observing her and talking with her), that I am going to pick her up, place her on her back, and let her rest. We have repeated this cycle about ten times so far today. In between NOT napping, I feed her and change her diaper, and we enjoy this slow, connected, time together, and then she plays contentedly on her back  for short periods in her play space.

R. has not yet figured out how to (or that she can) turn from her tummy to her back on her own, so she needs my support right now. I see my role as listening to her, acknowledging her, reassuring her, and re-positioning her when she tells me she is too uncomfortable, and doesn’t know how to turn back on her own. Most of all, I view my role as trusting her, trusting her process, trusting her timing, and trusting that she is going to figure this out for herself in her own time, if I just wait and offer her the right amount of support.

Is it easy for either of us? No. There is struggle. There is frustration. There is disruption in sleep. There is complaining (on both our parts). Would I do it any other way, or change anything if I could? Not a thing.

R. is learning to learn. She is learning that she is in charge of her own body and her own process. She is learning to trust herself. She is learning to trust me. I am learning to trust her. She is learning that SHE is in control, and that she can move one way, and then another way, if she is not comfortable. And she’s learning that she’s not alone in this, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be for her right now. These are lessons that will serve her well throughout her life.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about and you are curious to learn more, or if you have an idea of what I’m talking about, and still want to learn more, I can do no better than to refer you to Janet Lansbury’s site, elevating childcare, for she (and Magda Gerber before her) has been my truest and most trusted guide, mentor, friend, and teacher.

 

 

Take a CALMS Approach to Your Crying Baby

 

Is The “Happiest Baby On The Block” the Most Oppressed? Why I’m Not A Fan of the “5S” Method Of  Calming Crying Babies, continues to generate a lot of interest and (sometimes) heated discussion, eight months after it was first published.

One of the biggest arguments in favor of Dr. Karp’s “Happiest Baby” books and videos, is that the technique works to calm babies and gives desperate parents useful tools, and some relief from infant crying, which is often referred to as colic, but is more accurately described as The Period of PURPLE Crying.

Some of you may be interested to know that the only published research regarding the usefulness  of the “Happiest Baby” method indicates: “The behavioral intervention, when (training for parents is) provided via videotape, does not seem to be efficacious in decreasing total crying among normal infants.”

It was a small study, but it was randomized and controlled, and what stood out for me was that the babies who received intervention actually had slightly INCREASED (though not enough to make a significant statistical difference), overall daily crying times, and slightly SHORTER overall sleep times, and this was consistent across time, from 1 week to 12 weeks.

Additionally, there was no difference in the Parent Stress Index between the intervention and nonintervention groups at the 6 week mark.

So, if the 5 S’s don’t work to help soothe babies, and they don’t help to reduce parental stress, and they do nothing to help you build your relationship with your baby, what does help?  I think maybe what we need is a whole new understanding of, and approach to infant crying.

First, it may help for all health care professionals to educate potential and new parents regarding what to expect in terms of normal infant crying.

Next, it may help for all of us to examine our own attitudes and feelings about babies crying.

Magda Gerber suggested:

“You expected to have a magic formula to always know what your baby needs – your baby cries and cries, it alarms you, you do not know what she needs or what to do. Realistically, had you watched parents with very young children, you would not feel so alien. You would have learned that all babies cry.

Of course, nothing really prepares you to experience your own feelings of empathy, irritability, helplessness and maybe even rage when you hear your baby cry. (Interesting article here explaining what happens in adult brains when babies cry.) However, it may help to remember that your baby comes into a world where everything is brand new. She is equipped with an immature physiological sphere. She needs to sort out sensations coming from within and a barrage of stimuli coming from the outer world. Her body looks tense, her movements spasmodic. She expresses her discomfort by crying.

It will take her some time to function more smoothly, to relax, to anticipate and respond to your care. How can you help? First, do accept that you don’t understand instinctively what exactly makes your baby cry, nor what to do about it. Next, rather than responding mechanically with one of the usual routines of holding, feeding or changing your baby to stop the crying, start a dialogue with her. Tell her, “I see you’re uncomfortable, and hearing you cry really upsets me. I want to find out what you need. Tell me. I will try to understand your cues and, in time, you will learn to give them to me so I do.”

This is the start of lifelong honest communication. For a long time it may feel as if it is only one-sided, but delightful surprises in your baby’s responsiveness will convince you how she was putting together all your words, gestures, and facial expressions all along.

Eventually, you and your baby will develop a peaceful, predictable rhythm of life. Infants who do not need to adjust to too much unnecessary stimulation will regulate their sleeping and eating patterns. This, in turn, will give their parents some predictable time for their own needs and interests.”

One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself and your child is to maintain your own sense of calm, which I recognize is sometimes easier said than done, but pays off in a more peaceful baby, and a stronger relationship with your baby.

A resource that I  can highly recommend is this little gem of a book called CALMS, A Guide to Soothing Your Baby, written by Debby Takikawa, DC, and Carrie Contey, Ph.D.

CALMS, A Guide to Soothing Your Baby

 

There is a lot of gentle wisdom packed into this short (100 page), easy read that explains an alternative to reacting or responding with a prescribed technique when your baby cries.

Very briefly, the authors suggest that when adults are faced with a crying baby, they take the following five steps to restore harmony:

C- Check in with yourself.

A- Allow a breath.

L- Listen to your baby.

M- Make contact and mirror feelings.

S- Soothe your baby.

Each chapter of the book explains in simple, clear detail the how and why of each step, giving you practical tools, exercises, and words you can use to help yourself and your baby. There is a list of commonly asked parenting questions, and two pull out sheets so you can tape one on the fridge to remind yourself, and share one with others.

You might notice that the first three steps ask you to focus on yourself and to listen to your baby, before making contact and trying to take steps to soothe your baby. The reason for calming yourself first, before trying to calm or soothe your baby: “Babies understand and actually mimic and internalize their parents’ inner states by reading their subtle expressions and body language cues…If you are feeling stressed or unsettled, your baby is tuning into that. When you are calm and settled, your baby will know that she is safe (the first, and most basic need), which will help her settle too.”

I particularly appreciated the chapter entitled Why Do Calms?, where the authors share their view of babies and contrast it to our accepted cultural view. They write,”Typically, babies are seen as passive passengers in the womb and for some time after birth, not possessing enough brain structure to express meaningful communication and learn or maintain memories before they are able to speak.”

Now, research is confirming what some (like Magda Gerber), have long maintained, which is that “babies are sensitive and aware in the womb and beyond; the newborn arrives as a whole person on a lifelong continuum of development; memory is being created through the emotions and senses from the very beginning; experiences before, during, and after birth have a direct effect on lifelong physical and psychological health; and a baby’s earliest experiences and interactions with parents and caregivers influence how the brain and nervous system develop.”

If we accept and adopt this view of babies, maybe it’s just possible that we can replace the 5 S approach with CALM(S), and respect for what a baby needs and is capable of. And just possibly, we might all coexist a little more peacefully. What do you think?