I have been reading many of your articles on facebook, as well as following many of the RIE principles of parenting. We try to raise our son respectfully. We do not allow him to watch TV, and we have many open-ended toys. We recently started classes at Gymboree. (I wanted him to have the opportunity to interact with other children his age.) I find that the environment is overstimulating and my son often sits back and watches, rather than participates. I should also say that he has not started to walk on his own, and that all of the other children have. I see that most of the other parents push their children to try things and often “force” them onto a slide, etc. I have not done this, as I want him to explore the environment himself. I”m just getting nervous because he acts very different from the other kids and I wonder if I should be worried, or if I have just raised him differently than the others? My question is, do you know anything about these types of classes? Would you recommend I nudge him to try the activities there? I look forward to hearing your opinions.
Sincerely, Sheryl
This baby wants to explore in his own way.
Dear Sheryl,
Thank you for your note, and please forgive me for not responding sooner. With your permission, I’d like to reply to your question in a blog post, as yours is a question I receive frequently. I am very familiar with Gymboree classes, and generally find them to be overwhelming and overstimulating for most children under the age of four (and even for some adults!), but I do understand your desire to allow your son the opportunity to be around other children his own age. (I don’t know if you have a park nearby, but spending some time there on a daily basis can provide a wonderful chance for him to explore physically and interact with other children his age in a relaxed, informal way.)
I want to reassure you that you are doing well by your son by waiting patiently for him to be ready to try and accomplish things on his own, in his own time, and his own way.There is no need to “force” him to explore, as babies and toddlers always do exactly what they’re ready for. I know it can be hard not to question yourself when you see others doing things so differently. I want to encourage you to continue to listen to and respect your son’s pace, and to continue to follow your own instincts.
You don’t mention how old your son is, but there is a wide range of “normal” when it comes to achieving physical milestones. I would not nudge him at all, but allow him to enjoy the class completely on his own terms; to explore and interact as he wants to and is ready to. My guess is that he is following his own unique inner pace and dictates, not because something is wrong, but because you have raised him in a respectful, accepting atmosphere that encourages, allows, supports, and celebrates his authentic being! (Of course, if you have concerns about a significant developmental delay, I encourage you to check with your pediatrician.)
I want to share with you a post Suchada of Mama Eve Natural Parenting wrote about an eye-opening experience she had with her young son at the playground , because it speaks so beautifully to your question. I hope these thoughts will help you to feel confident in allowing your son to take his time to find his own way up the slide when he’s ready! Suchada says in part:
“It was so hard to resist the temptation to help him…..
But if I had, I would have missed the opportunity to see what he could do. I would have missed an opportunity to let him discover his own capabilities. I would have missed an opportunity to show him I trust him to figure out the things that are important to him, in his life, in his moment.”
Please let me know how things are going. I’d love to hear from you again.
Warmly, Lisa
Dear Lisa,
I appreciate your reply, and figured you were probably very busy, as it is a hectic time of year. I appreciate the added reassurance from you. My son is 14 months old. He is definitely not delayed, just more laid back; he seems to prefer to sit back and take in all the action. It just gets trying to see all the other parents parenting in a way that is so drastically different from my own. We do have a local park that we sometimes visit. I’ve been thinking of going a bit more often and discontinuing our Gymboree classes, as I feel they’re overstimulating and too structured. You certainly have my permission to respond to my email via blog post, or republish it in any way. I enjoy reading your blogs and facebook posts and find the information very informative and reassuring. Hope you have an enjoyable holiday season and a healthy, happy New Year to come!
Sincerely, Sheryl
Dear Sheryl,
I’m also wishing you a happy, healthy New Year, and continued joy in following your son’s lead and discovering who he is as he grows and learns! I’m wondering if you might be able to find one or two like minded Moms who have babies about the same age as your son, at the park, and then maybe you can you can get together every once in a while. It may help you to feel less alone, which is just as important as creating opportunities for your son to play and socialize at his own pace. Janet Lansbury offers five great tips for forming a safe and fun informal play group, when there aren’t any to be found nearby that feel comfortable for both you and your child. Finally, I leave you with this thought from Magda Gerber:
“It can be difficult to step back and let your child take the lead, but in this way you will observe and learn from him. You will discover with delight that your child has many inherent abilities that might have been missed if he had not been allowed to explore in his own way.”
As you seem to have discovered, there’s treasure to be found for both you and your son in sharing what Magda called “wants nothing” time together! Enjoy!
“Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated issue. To follow the advice, “do not let your baby cry,” is practically impossible. At times the harder a mother or father tries to stop the baby’s crying, the more anxious everyone becomes.” Magda Gerber
In The Dangers Of “Crying It Out“, published this week in Psychology Today, psychologist Darcia Narvaez argues not only should babies never be left to cry for any reason, but in fact, parents have an obligation to parent in a way that will prevent any crying at all, lest the baby suffer a whole host of emotional and physical repercussions, including brain damage.
She argues that it’s not normal for babies to cry: “A crying baby in our ancestral environment would have signaled predators to tasty morsels. So our evolved parenting practices alleviated baby distress and precluded crying except in emergencies. Babies are built to expect the equivalent of an “external womb” after birth. What is the external womb? —being held constantly, breastfed on demand, needs met quickly. These practices are known to facilitate good brain and body development. When babies display discomfort, it signals that a need is not getting met, a need of their rapidly growing systems.”
Reading the article, I found myself asking “Really, Doctor Narvaez?”
Apparently Narvaez is not familiar with the period of Purple Crying, which is an evidence-based infant abuse prevention program which aims to educate parents about normal infant crying and its relation as a trigger for abuse. Purple refers not to the color the baby turns when he or she cries, but to:
P–Peak of crying. The worst crying tends of occur around 2 months of age and decline from 3-5 months.
U–Unexpected. The crying often comes on and stops for no apparent reason.
R–Resists soothing. The baby is often difficult to soothe.
P–Pain-like face. The baby may appear to be in pain even if they are not.
L–Long-lasting. The crying may go on for several hours a day.
E–Evening. The baby often cries more in the late afternoon or evening.
The goal of the Click For Babies project which is being organized by the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome (NCSBS) is to help parents understand that frequent and sometimes intense crying is often normal in the first few months of life, and does not necessarily mean anything is wrong with the baby, nor does it mean the parent is inadequate or doing anything wrong if they aren’t able to stop their baby from crying. The hope is that by educating parents about this common developmental stage, many may be helped to learn to respond sensitively, while preventing cases of Shaken Baby Syndrome, which occur more commonly when babies are especially fussy.
Doctor Heather Wittenberg, “The Baby Shrink” (and mother of four), was similarly outraged by the polarizing tone and misinformation in Narvaez’s article, and she wrote a short, but pointed response, in which she concluded:
“The fact is, there is no evidence whatsoever that occasional CIO in typically developing babies causes any damage. PERIOD. More importantly, there IS evidence that severely sleep-deprived mothers are at much higher risk of developing an already common –and dangerous — condition: postpartum depression. And PPD certainly CAN lead to long-term damage to both baby — and the entire family. CIO is a method that, when implemented thoughtfully, can often lead to improved sleep (and health and happiness) for everyone.”
Janet Lansbury posted Dr. Heather’s response to the Psychology Today article on her Facebook page, prefacing it with a note that asked: “What do you think?” Within a few hours 58 responses had been logged, which speaks to the very strong feelings aroused when people hear the words baby and crying (or “crying it out”) in the same sentence. Dr. Heather received an equally overwhelming and intense response on her site, and some of the responses were barely civil. It seems this is a conversation that needs to continue to happen. There is so much emotion, judgment, misinformation, and misunderstanding around this issue, and that’s not good for parents or babies. Also, the question of how to respond to a baby’s cries goes right to the core of how we view babies, and how sensitively and respectfully we care for them.
Janet Lansbury has written eloquently on the topic on numerous occasions, most recently in 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying where she says: “When babies cry, our job is to tune in, provide help, love and support as needed, but not necessarily stop the crying.”
The number one question and concern new parents have is this one: “Why does my baby cry? What’s the best way to respond when s/he cries?” I also have parents come to me who are beyond exhausted, and desperate for some sleep (when their babies are a year old or 15 months old, and still waking many times a night), but fear they will somehow be harming their baby if they allow so much as a whimper. What’s a parent to do?
One of the responses to this discussion was penned by Carla Prosch, who is an early childhood professional currently working as a nanny for two families in Seattle Washington, and is herself the mother of two children. Her response was so thoughtful, and so closely mirrors my own progression of thinking, feeling, and understanding about babies and crying, that I asked her if (and she graciously agreed) I might share her words here:
“I really appreciate the dialogue going on here because I find it all very fascinating. It seems that it would be so much easier if there was ONE WAY to handle all situations with all children at each developmental stage. Imagine if there was only one book to be used and we all took that book home in our diaper bags when we left the hospital. That would be too easy (and probably kind of boring).
A few months ago I wrote some thoughts about babies and crying and had decided that I had many more thoughts to include. I recently realized that when I have worked with babies and toddlers in a group care situation, I have to fight against a deep ingrained (belief? feeling? cultural norm?) that I have learned. This subtle belief that I have is that when babies/toddlers are crying, it’s my job to get them to stop (I don’t really believe that, but I think I FEEL that deep down, subconsciously). Or, perhaps to even prevent the crying from happening in the first place! If they continue to cry, I must not be doing my job well (subconscious feeling, I don’t truly believe this). Now here’s the switch (a truth for me) – when babies cry, it’s my job to figure out why and to support them in whatever way is necessary while they cry for as long as they need. I believe in observing them and then sensitively responding to them.
Think of it this way; imagine the director of a program is walking through your classroom with a tour of prospective parents. If the children in the room are actively engaged and relatively calm, as a teacher it feels very different than if the children are actively engaged in other ways that are not so calm, grabbing a toy from somebody, crying because a limit was set (typical, developmentally appropriate infant/toddler behaviors). There seems to be so much more “stuff” that has to be explained in the second scenario. You usually don’t hear something like this from the first scenario, “Parents, I know what you are observing now is something that might feel a little uncomfortable to you, the children are actively engaged and calm. That’s because the teachers in this room have set up a stimulating environment and are keenly observing the children to support them as they play.” Both scenarios happen and to me, both scenarios are healthy but scenario #1 is always easier to feel confident about. I think a lot of that has been learned within our culture.
So that is my recent personal journey about crying in general. What about CIO? I think, as we all know, there are many different ways to approach situations with children. What matters most is that each of us can make informed, thoughtful, intentional decisions based upon multiple factors within each family (the child’s temperament, family culture, the level of support families are receiving, etc). I believe in four key goals: 1) Striving to build a caring community of loving support with one another, 2) Sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other genuinely and authentically, 3) Being heard without judgment, and 4) Respectfully agreeing to disagree when necessary.
What is very important to me is empowering families to make each choice for their own child, realizing that they are the only true expert on their child. Nobody will ever know a baby as well as the mother and/or father know him/her. And in the end, when our children are grown and we look back on the personal choices we made, we will (hopefully) know that each choice was made in the spirit of good intention and genuine thoughtfulness.
Looking back at choices my husband and I made together, we realize now many things that we would have done differently because of experiences we have had as we have gotten older. However, we are confident that we did the best we knew how to do at that given moment in time with the very best intentions (adding into this equation – imperfect humanness). We did not do CIO with our two children (now 13 years and 8 years old), but if we were to do it over, we would definitely choose to use the CIO approach, as appropriate, while observing our children in the process.
I say all of this not from a place of knowing but from a place of “this is where I am right now”. The topic of crying really stirs up a lot of discussion in people.”
And now, it is your turn. What are your thoughts on babies and crying?
Endless lists of things to do, an avalanche of unanswered e-mail and phone calls, piles of dirty laundry, and a sink full of dirty dishes, not to mention dust bunnies so big I wouldn’t be able to distinguish them from the cat if she wasn’t so loud and insistent on receiving her fair share of attention. (At least the dust bunnies are quiet.) Long days with children and lots of late nights trying to do everything else I want to and need to. And please don’t even mention the shopping, and the decorating, and the baking, and the card writing that I haven’t started to do, with the holidays being – yikes– less than two weeks away. There’s no “me” time in there anywhere. In fact, it doesn’t feel like there is time to take a breath most days. I’ve been feeling tired, irritable, and overwhelmed.(Does this sound familiar to anyone? ) And yet….
He leads. I follow.
Today there was this: The sun was shining, and the air was crisp. He was on his trike, riding ahead of me. I followed behind on foot, my mind a million miles away. We were on our way to pick his sister up from school. As he pedaled, he exclaimed over the Christmas bulbs some of the neighbors had hung on the branches of their bushes. He stopped, and pointed to to a large maple tree in a yard across the street, and asked, “Lisa, why doesn’t that tree have any leaves on it anymore?” “Because the leaves fall from the tree in the winter, and grow back again in the spring,” I answered. “Oh! That’s why!” And he was off again. Suddenly he burst into song at the top of his lungs. “It’s A Small World After All.” Completely immersed in song, in the moment, unaware that his energy, his song, his pure joy in being, had pulled me into the moment with him. I found myself grinning, and I wasn’t the only one.
A Mom who was getting out of her car stopped for a moment, and watched him, and when she caught my eye, I saw she was grinning too. And then a Dad. And another Mom, and a Grandma. We all slowed down, following him like he was the pied piper, sharing smiles with each other, until we got to the “big” crosswalk that leads across the street to the school. The one manned by the kind, but gruff school crossing guard. We all stopped to wait for the light to turn, while J. continued his song. I saw the guard’s face soften and I do believe his eyes twinkled. As we crossed the street, someone said “I feel like I’m in a parade,” and when we got to the other side, someone else thanked J. for “singing” us across. It was truly a magical moment in an ordinary day, and I found myself feeling refreshed and renewed.
Once again, it was a small child who reminded me that slowing down, observing, and being present in the moment is not just a gift we can give to the little people in our lives, but one we can give to ourselves too, by following their lead.
“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” Eddie Cantor
What moments have you enjoyed with your children today?
“Learning to use the toilet is a process that takes time. Rather than push or manipulate your child by giving him treats such as candy or a special reward for something that he will learn to do on his own, trust that he will learn when he is ready. Respect is based on trust.” – Magda Gerber
“Potty training? He is more fond of wearing the potty seat than sitting on it.”
Maybe you’ve heard the old adage,”You can lead a toddler to the potty but you can’t make him use it (until he’s ready).” During workshops for parents and toddler teachers I love to read the story, The Princess and the Pottyby Wendy Cheyette Lewison, about a little princess who won’t use her potty,”because it doesn’t please her.” The king and queen are not happy with this and are a bit beside themselves as they worry about what their neighbors in the kingdom next door will say. They go out of their way to find a potty that will please the princess, to no avail. The princess simply has better things to do. So the king and queen try other tactics like reading to the princess, sending her teddy bear to keep her company, in fact, sending the whole court to keep her company, and even sitting on the potties themselves to show the princess what fun it is. Finally, not knowing what else to do, the king and queen send for the royal wise man to get his advice.
“If you ask me,” said the royal wise man, “the princess will use the potty when it pleases her to use the potty.”
But alas and alack, not even the royal wise man can predict when that time might come. So the king and queen wait and wait, until finally, one day the queen is dressing for a royal ball, and her daughter notices the beautiful pantalettes her mother is wearing and she decides the pantalettes please her. Of course, the queen, being the good Mom that she is, takes her little girl shopping the very next day to allow her to choose her own pantalettes, and the princess is so pleased, she wears the new panties home, and all through playtime, and snack time- when suddenly– the princess can’t sit still. The king and queen yell to the royal chambermaid that the princess needs her royal diaper, except the princess doesn’t want her royal diaper because that means she will have to take off her pretty new pantalettes, and this she doesn’t want to do, so she calls for her potty. While the royal servants run to get every potty in the castle, the princess takes matters into her own hands and runs to the plain potty, because it is the nearest, and that, in the end, is the potty that pleases the princess.
Like with sitting, standing, walking, and other accomplishments that involve a baby’s mastery over his body movements, when it comes to learning to use the toilet, the way loving adults can be most helpful is to provide an optimal environment, and then wait patiently for baby to be ready, and indicate her desire and willingness to participate in the process. The toilet learning process can sometimes cause parents needless worry and anxiety, and can feel endless to parents who are tired of changing diapers, or who are worried their child won’t be accepted at preschool unless she is toilet trained. (A good childcare center or preschool won’t require a child under the age of four to be potty trained, and I always advise parents to seek alternate care arrangements, if at all possible, should they encounter a program that requires potty mastery by the age of three.)
So what can you expect?
There is a wide range of normal, and while some toddlers may learn a bit earlier or later, the average child will reliably use the potty during the day somewhere between the ages of two and three years old, and will consistently stay dry at night somewhere between two and a half to five years old. Some children may happily and willingly use the toilet for a period of time, then decide they aren’t interested for awhile. This is perfectly acceptable, and it’s best if you can meet your child’s disinterest with a calm, matter of fact, “If you don’t want to/aren’t ready to use the potty, you may use a diaper.When you’re ready to try the potty again, let me know.” Learning to use the toilet is a complex process which requires a child to listen to his body signals, control his body, and understand the process, and what is expected and accepted. It involves physical readiness, or the ability to control the muscles that hold in bladder and bowel movements, cognitive readiness, or the ability to understand what is expected of him, and emotional readiness- this is all about holding on, letting go, and conforming to grown- up standards. It’s about who is in control, and in this case, it’s your child!
If you expect and accept that it will take time for your child to master this new skill, it can go a long way towards helping your child to “go with the flow,” so to speak. Stock up on training pants, be prepared for extra laundry, know where all the public rest rooms in town are, (because children can’t wait long when they are just learning, and inevitably, they will have to use the toilet fifteen minutes after you’ve left the house). Carry extra underwear, wipes, and a change of clothes with you at all times. Some parents even choose to carry a portable potty chair with them on long trips. If an accident happens, try to remain calm, matter of fact, and supportive. “Your pants are wet. Can I help you get cleaned up and into dry clothes?” “Accidents happen sometimes when you’re just learning to use the potty.You tried really hard to get to the potty on time. Next time, you’ll be able to do it.”
How do you know if it might be the right time to start the process with your child?
First, there should be no other big changes happening at home. It’s usually best not to start the process if a new baby has just arrived, you are moving in two weeks, or your child has just started childcare. Changes in the family, or stress can make the process more difficult and prolonged than it has to be. Summer time can be a great time to start, because family schedules are often more relaxed, and children can be allowed to run around naked or just in underwear at home, which helps them become very aware of what’s happening with their bodies (in a way they don’t when they are wearing super absorbent diapers or pull ups). If your child is in childcare or you have a caregiver at home, it’s a good idea for you all to have a discussion and maintain clear communication, to make sure you’re all on the same page and using a consistent approach and language when it comes to to toilet learning. (I’ll never forget the time when I was a new teacher’s aide, and one little girl, who was very soft spoken, and about five years old, tried urgently to communicate she had to use the bathroom, by whispering to me she had to “make.” I had never heard the expression before, and while I was trying to figure out what she was saying, she had an accident. She was mortified, and I felt so bad for not being able to understand and help her when she needed me to.)
Your child may indicate readiness to start potty learning when s/he:
1) Stays dry for 2-3 hours at a time or wakes up from a nap with a dry diaper.
2) Shows increased awareness of bodily functions- she may move to a quiet or private spot to have a bowel movement, for instance.
3) Tells you she has peed or pooped in her diaper.
4) Dislikes staying in wet or soiled diapers.
5) Shows interest in wanting to sit on a toilet or potty chair or expresses a desire to wear underwear.
6) Is able to follow two step instructions.
7) Is able to pull pants up and down easily.
Besides being prepared by knowing what to expect, watching for signs of readiness, and relaxing and trusting that your child won’t go to kindergarten in diapers, you can encourage your toddler’s interest and support her learning by:
1) Bringing your child’s awareness to what’s happening with his body and how he might know he may need to stop playing and go to the toilet. Use correct terms for body parts and body functions, and maintain a neutral tone. If your child is showing readiness, and you notice him pressing his legs together or dancing about, you can say, “It looks like you might have to go to the bathroom. Do you want to use your potty chair?”
2) Being a good model. Show your toddler how you use the toilet. Most toddlers become fascinated with the toilet and what happens there, long before they’re ready to use it themselves.
3) If your child is expressing that they don’t like to have their diapers changed, or they don’t like to sit in a wet diaper, you can offer, as I have been with 34 month old J. as of late, “You don’t like feeling wet and cold. You don’t like to get your diaper changed. If you wanted to, you could put your pee in the potty, and then you wouldn’t have to have your diaper changed.” So far, he says “Not yet, Lisa. Maybe later,” which I completely accept. But in the past three weeks he has started to ask to sit on his potty when his six year old sister goes to the bathroom. He’s had several successes, and he’s just so proud. Last week he came running to show me he “peed in the potty just like the boy in the book!” Beware insisting upon or cajoling your child to sit on the potty if it’s not her idea. You may offer at natural times, for instance, when your child is preparing for a bath, but if she says “No,” let it be “No.” Let him “practice” in his own way. Some children like to sit on the potty fully clothed for many months before ever taking off their diapers.
4) Dress for success. Pants with elastic waists are best for both girls and boys- easy for them to pull up and down by themselves. No dresses to get in the way, no buttons, snaps, belts, overalls, etc.
5) Let him choose his very own potty chair. Potty chairs are great, because they let your child sit with his feet firmly planted on the floor, which assists in bowel movements. They also allow your child to be in charge of their process- I’ve never known a child who didn’t love to participate in pouring the contents of their potty into the toilet, then wave goodbye and flush it away. (Remember, young children are sometimes very attached to their bodily fluids. Children are not born with any negative associations when it comes to bodily functions, they are taught to think that urine and feces are “yukky” or “stinky” or “disgusting” or somehow shameful.) Some children are afraid of sitting on the toilet with it’s big gaping hole, even if a child size seat is installed. If you are going to use one of the seats that sits on the top of the regular toilet, make sure you place a step stool beneath your child’s feet so she can climb up by herself and her legs aren’t dangling when she sits.
6) Let him choose training or underpants. My feeling is that pull ups give a mixed message, and don’t help a child learn, because they are too much like a diaper, yet, some parents feel they can’t do without them- they like that their child can pull them up and down like underwear, and it saves on wet clothes, and laundry. I’d prefer a child wear training pants or a diaper, if at all possible.
7) Remember, this process is your child’s. You can’t do it for her. You can’t hurry her along. Time and maturation can make the process a painless one (for both of you) if you allow it to be so. The natural reward for your child is the mastery she feels at accomplishing a new skill and body control.
For those of you who have asked me for information and my opinion about elimination communication, I will refer you to an excellent discussion at Janet Lansbury’s community forum, where I, and others weigh in with our ideas and experiences on the topic.
There you go, my best advice when it comes to potty learning. Have I missed anything?
The problem with the word “No” is this: when it’s used too often, toddlers tend to tune it out after awhile.”No” alone doesn’t help your toddler learn what to do instead. Also, saying “No!” in a louder and louder voice (as you may be tempted to do when your toddler all but ignores you the first five times you say it), is not going to help him hear and heed your message any better. It may just lead to frustration for both of you. I advise saving “No” for emergencies, like when your child is in immediate danger. You can be sure your child will stop and notice when you use the word only in rare instances.
In “We Don’t Want To Spank,” Janet Lansbury emphasizes the importance of creating a safe play area within your home – a place just for your child, that has few restrictions, and is all about YES! The fact remains, when you are parenting a toddler, there are times when you will have to say “No.” So, what can you say instead, to get your point across and make it possible for your toddler to co-operate more readily with you?
Here are six ideas:
1) Rephrase your request in a positive way: Instead of saying, “No, don’t run,” try, “Please walk inside.” Instead of “No, don’t touch!” try, “You want to touch the lamp, but it might fall and break. Please just look with your eyes.” Instead of, “No, don’t touch the cat,” try, “Please remember to touch the cat gently.” (You may have to stay close to demonstrate gentle touches.)
2) Let your child know what he may do instead of telling him what he can’t do: Instead of, “No, you can’t have a cookie now,” try saying, “You may have a cookie after dinner. If you are hungry now, you may have fruit or a piece of cheese.” Instead of, “No climbing on the furniture,” try, “The chair is for sitting in. If you’d like to climb, you may climb here (showing him). “Instead of , “No, we can’t go to the playground because it’s raining,” try saying, ” I know how much you love to play outside. We can go out as soon as the rain stops. Would you like to read a story or build with your blocks while we wait for the rain to stop?” Instead of , “No! No throwing balls indoors,” try saying, “You can roll the ball indoors or take it outside and throw it. What’s your choice?”
3) Ask for your child’s help and thank him when he gets it right: Instead of, “No! I told you not to take your shoes off because we’re getting ready to go,” try saying, “You need your shoes on to go outside. Please help me find them so we can get ready to go.” Instead of, “No more playing for you. I’m not going to ask you to pick up your toys again,” try, “Thank you for helping me to clean up all the toys!” Instead of, “I said no yelling!” try lowering your own voice and saying, “Thank you for remembering to speak softly while your baby sister is sleeping.”
4) Explain the reason for your request, and state what behavior you want to see instead: Instead of saying, “No, don’t________ ,” try stating, “I want you to_____________ because__________.“ “No, don’t throw the sand,” becomes, “I want you to keep the sand low in the sandbox, so it doesn’t get in anyone’s eyes, because that might hurt.” “No, don’t bang on the table,” becomes, “I want you to stop banging on the table because the sound it makes is loud, and it’s hurting my ears.”
5) Use “sportscasting” to say what you see: Instead of saying, “No throwing food!” try saying, “You’re throwing your food. That tells me you’re done eating, so I am going to put the food away now.” Instead of “No splashing in the cat’s water bowl,” try saying, “You are playing in the cat’s water bowl, and splashing water all over the floor. That water is for the cat to drink. If you want to play in water, let’s fill the tub with water.”
6) If your child is hitting, kicking, or biting: Instead of saying, “No hitting/kicking/biting!” try saying, “Hitting/kicking/biting hurts! I won’t let you hit/kick/bite me. If you want to hit/kick/bite, you may hit the floor (or these pillows)/kick this ball/bite this teething ring.”
When you take the time to talk with your child in the respectful, positive ways above, explaining the reasons for your requests, offering choices, modeling the behavior that you want to teach, and bringing your child’s awareness to the impact his actions have on other people, you are including him in the learning process, and guiding him to become self aware and self regulating in his behavior. This is the true goal of discipline; to help your child to become disciplined from within and learn to make good choices, instead of dependent on someone else to tell him what is right or wrong.
Tell me, have you found other ways to gain your toddler’s co-operation without resorting to saying no over and over? I’d love it if you’d share.
In response to All They Need Is Play, Julie asks- “How to define play? I’ve always heard children learn through self-play, but I don’t know exactly what play is? Is it referring to letting my child stomp in the mud, or going to the playground? Could you please give me some examples on how to play with my child?
“Play is the answer to how anything new comes about.” Jean Piaget
Julie, What a great question! You are on the right track! Play can be letting your child stomp in a mud puddle, or climbing at the park. But even before children reach the age where they can stomp in mud puddles, they can (and do!) engage in self directed play. Here is my definition of play: Play is the way children learn about themselves, the people around them, the world they live in, and how things work in their world. Play is the way children naturally explore, and the way they gain and practice skills they will use for their whole lives. BUT play is not done to attain any reward, or end goal. Children gain pleasure from engaging in play, and this reinforces their desire to play some more.
Play is any behavior that is freely chosen, personally directed, and intrinsically motivated. What do I mean by this? Ideally, your child chooses when, with what, and how to play, and is allowed to play with as little interference or direction as possible (with consideration for the safety of self and others) for as long as possible. Maybe because she lived in Los Angeles, the movie capital of the world (or at least the United States), Magda Gerber often encouraged adults to think of a child’s play like the making of a movie, and she advised allowing the child to be the main scriptwriter, director, and actor.
Play is a process of trial and error, and there is no right or wrong. Children are literally inventing the world anew when they play. Well meaning, loving adults can interfere with the process, by telling or showing a child how to play. For instance, if you teach your child how to use a paintbrush, it’s not the same as putting out the brush, and just letting her figure it out.
You might ask,”What’s wrong with showing my child how to correctly use a paintbrush?” Well, it shortcuts her exploration thus limiting her creativity, and if she is often shown how to play ‘correctly’ it may eventually erode her trust in herself, her desire to be an active explorer, and her willingness and ability to work things out by herself. Children quickly come to look to adults to show them or tell them the right way to play and even to do it for them.
Here’s an example: Playdough is a material that offers an endless number of possibilities for discovery and creation. If you hand a two and a half year old a container of playdough and nothing else, and you sit back and watch, he will happily play with it for a long time, poking, twisting, rolling, pounding, etc. Eventually, after having the opportunity to explore the dough in this way over the course of many weeks or months, he will begin to make things with the dough. But if you jump in and start showing him how to make play dough animals, he’ll quickly lose interest in his own exploration. Since he hasn’t reached the stage of being able to make animals by himself he will ask you to make animals for him. Now who is playing? Not your child! Can we trust children to learn from their own play if we don’t make things clear and explicit for them? I think so.
“When you teach a child something you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself.” Jean Piaget
So what is your role as a parent or teacher of young children? The adult role is to create an environment that invites play and allows the child to explore and experiment within that environment to his heart’s content, without showing him how it’s supposed to be done. This leaves your child in control, and preserves his natural, inborn desire and ability (intrinsic motivation- from within) to play. When your child plays, he is not only learning, he is learning how to learn!
To me, there is nothing more exciting than watching a baby as she discovers for herself how something works for the very first time. What is obvious to us, is not always so obvious to a baby. For instance, one of the play objects I use in class is an empty 10 gallon water bottle with a narrow opening at the top. I place a basket of wooden pegs of varying thickness nearby. It doesn’t take long for most young toddlers to discover the pegs and experiment with dropping them into the water bottle, but figuring out how to get the pegs back out of the bottle is another thing entirely. This is a “problem’ that takes most children a long time to solve if shows them how to do it, and most children will happily explore different ways of solving the problem for long periods of time without becoming frustrated.
Play (exploring) is everything your baby does. She does it naturally. Before she even plays with toys, she is “playing” and learning when she looks at her hands, or kicks her feet. She is experimenting with and learning how her body works. Everything is so new to a baby, and so everything is an experiment to try to find out how things work. She uses all of her senses when she plays. When she begins to pick up toys and taste them, bang them, drop them, and retrieve them, she is playing. When she responds to your words by babbling, smiling, cooing, or she makes raspberries to get your attention, she is playing. As she moves, or plays with sounds, or drops and retrieves a toy, she is learning. She might repeat actions over and over with small differences.
You don’t have to hand her toys or show her what do to. You just have to provide a safe space for her to explore, and include simple objects, like balls, cups, spoons, dolls, empty containers, blocks, scarfs- toys that do nothing, so your baby can be active in discovering and creating her own understanding of the world. The very first play object we offer a baby in parent/infant classes is a cotton scarf, which we place in a peak, where a baby laying on her back can see it, and reach for it when she’s ready. This scarf is a staple of the play room from the time babies are about three months old, until they graduate from class at two years old. The babies use the scarfs in a variety of different ways as they grow. As your child moves from infancy into young toddlerhood, you can add a few more objects or elements (but choose wisely) to the play area, or vary the toys to provide different opportunities for her to explore. Sand, water, climbing toys, push and pull toys, empty boxes, and (once she’s well past putting things into her mouth) playdough, are some suggestions.
You don’t have to do anything but trust, watch, and enjoy. Watch to see what she’s interested in, what she does with the play objects you’re providing. Watch to see how her understanding of the world and the people in it changes and grows. Soon you will see her begin to initiate and engage in play with other children. At first, she will begin to notice other children more and more, and try to make contact, maybe by touching, showing, taking, or exchanging toys. She’ll then progress to playing peek-a-boo or chase. At some point, you’ll notice she starts to engage in pretend play, using a block to pretend to “talk” on the phone, drinking from a cup, or patting her babydoll to sleep. As her understanding of her world and the people and things in it grows, so does her play become ever more complex and sophisticated.
You offer the greatest gift when you allow your child to play her way, with you as a witness to her discoveries. This is what Magda Gerber called “wants nothing” time: “Most of us are used to, and conditioned to, doing something. Wants nothing time is different, more a time for taking in and waiting. We fully accept the infant’s beingness just by our own receptive beingness.” We also allow, encourage and protect a baby’s natural ability to experience joy in learning and creation, while she builds her self confidence, attention span, and more. These are the “bonuses” of self directed, or free play.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. What is your definition of play? Do you see a difference between child led or free play, and structured or adult-led play? Do you think children learn more from their own explorations or do they need adults to teach them and show them how to play, or is it both? What gets in the way of allowing your child to play freely? Finally, how many different ways can you think of to use a cotton scarf?
P.S. For more on play, Janet Lansbury’s blog can’t be beat if you are the parent or teacher (educarer) of babies and toddlers, and Teacher Tom’s blog is my top pick if you are the parent or teacher of children age two and older.
Angelina writes: “I have been reading your blog articles as well as following on Facebook. I wish that I knew about your classes when my almost 2 year old was a baby! I was wondering if you could answer a question that I have been having or perhaps provide some insight. There are many blogs that I have been seeing raving about “Tot School” basically a semi-structured school time for young toddlers to preschoolers. I have done a few of the worksheets, art activities, and Montessori activities with her and while she enjoys it and has learned a lot, I can’t help but wonder if it’s too structured. What are your thoughts on early learning at this age? Could it be detrimental or am I maybe being too paranoid?”
Dear Angelina,
First, thank you for reading, and for trusting me enough to ask for my opinion.You are not being at all paranoid. In fact, you are being quite wise to question the value of a semi-structured school time that utilizes worksheets to teach your two year old. I hope you won’t mind that I chose to answer your question publicly, but it is one that comes up frequently, and my hope is that others will benefit from reading, and entering into the discussion.
I hadn’t heard of “Tot School” before, so I did a quick google search, and was dismayed by my findings: “For those of us with older children who are homeschooled, we often place a lot of emphasis on them while the tots just *play.* This isn’t bad, it just didn’t work for me. Personally, I felt I was losing valuable 1 on 1 time with my precious tot that I had with my first child since he was the only one then. Tot School is the time each day I spend with my tot, exposing early learning skills through FUN play.”
Now, there are two aspects of this I love: The first is the idea of spending some time each day focused on your toddler, and the second is the idea of fun play. ( Play is what your daughter naturally does, and she doesn’t need to be shown how to do it well!) But what I don’t agree with is “exposing (your child to) early learning skills through FUN play.” Why? Because as soon as you define a ‘learning goal’, and begin to actively ‘teach’ your child through using worksheets, or introducing planned activities and materials that are to be used in a prescribed way to teach number and letter skills (for instance), your child is no longer engaging in free, experimental, self guided, creative play, and the learning is no longer her own.
It’s just not necessary to expose your daughter to “early learning skills” in a structured, artificial way, because your two year old is constantly learning everything she needs to know just by being involved in her daily routines, actively exploring her world at her own pace, and engaging in relationship with you, the rest of her family, and the children at your local playground. All she needs is play to learn what she needs to learn, and to see her through to the time in her life when she is ready for more structured learning and instruction (ideally, sometime after the age of seven).
This is only one story about one little girl, but it illustrates what I’ve observed any number of times, over a number of years, with a number of children. S. who is now six, and in the first grade, is reading fluently at about a fourth grade level. She loves reading and writing, and just got her first children’s dictionary last week, which she begged her Mom to allow her to sleep with. I learned S. could read one day last year when there was a book fair at the school library, and we went to look at books together. She picked up an early reader, and said “Do you want me to read you a story from this book?” I (of course) said yes, and she sat down and proceeded to read the whole book in an animated way, without a hiccup. I was a bit shocked, to tell the truth. I asked her if her teacher had read the book to her earlier that day, and she said “No Lisa, I just know how to read it.” That night, as I shared the story with her parents, they told me they had just discovered S.’s reading abilities earlier in the week, when she announced that she wanted to read a new book of fairy stories to them at bedtime. They were similarly amazed by her ability and fluency.
The interesting thing is, her parents and I never focused on teaching S. to read through any formal means, like through the use of flashcards or worksheets, or other structured learning activities. We are all avid readers, and she sees us reading and writing regularly. We also took her to the library once every couple of weeks from the time she was about a year old, and of course, we cuddled up and read to her daily. Other than that, S.’s “schedule” as a toddler was just hanging out playing with me or her parents, until she was three and a half, and started to attend a totally play based preschool for a few hours every morning, where she chose to spend most of her time in the dress up corner, or outside on the monkey bars.
It’s ironic that you wrote to me yesterday because a sobering article was just published in Scientific American which addresses exactly the question you are asking. Entitled The Death Of Preschool, the byline reads: “The trend in early education is to move from a play-based curriculum to a more school-like environment of directed learning. But is earlier better? And better at what?” The article concludes, “Perhaps most disturbing is the potential for the early exposure to academics to physiologically damage developing brains.” Yes, you read correctly, there is evidence to indicate early exposure to academics may actually damage developing brains. Not what any parent wants for their child, by any means.
Angelina, all of my education, experience, and instincts combined, lead me to believe that all your little girl needs and what she will most benefit from right now, is your loving care and attention, and the opportunity to play freely (you might give her a ball or a doll, read her a book, or take her to the park) “mucking about” to her heart’s content. It so happens that Janet Lansbury published a post yesterday that I can’t recommend highly enough, which also addresses your question. Janet shares 10 Secrets To Raising LessStressed Kids, and gives lots of great ideas for what to do instead of “teaching” through structured activities. She also offers a great resource list for learning more.
I will continue to write here, and post links on Facebook that I hope will inspire you to enjoy your daughter, and create an environment that will allow her to flourish through play. If you want to read even more, check out any of the books listed below, which were recommended in the Scientific American article, and happen to be ones I also regularly recommend:
Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn—And Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff and Diane Eyer. Rodale Books, 2003.
The Philosophical Baby: What Children’s Minds Tell Us about Truth, Love,and the Meaning of Life. Alison Gopnik. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2009.
Mind in the Making. Ellen Galinsky. Harper Paperbacks, 2010.
Wishing you and your little girl many happy (unstructured), playful days together!
He isn’t a baby anymore. He’s growing in leaps and bounds, and scaling new heights every day, in every way. As his world grows larger and he begins to play with other children besides his sister (who has been the world to him up to now), both the physical and the emotional challenges he faces are bigger. At the park last week, J. worked and worked, and was finally able to scrabble up the “big” rock. He sat at the top, next to B. (a little boy we know from our neighborhood, who at almost four years old, is about a year and a half older than J.).
B.’s Mom and I were standing nearby, chatting. Suddenly J. was falling, and he landed face down on the ground next to the rock. I quickly moved in close, and J. lifted his arms to indicate he wanted me to pick him up, while emitting a heartrending sob. I held him close, and gently rubbed his back. I could feel his chest heaving against mine. I wanted to take a look and make sure he wasn’t bleeding anywhere, but he was clinging to me tightly. In between sobs, he choked out these words – “B. p…p…p…pushed m…m…me!” I could hear the shock and bewilderment in his voice. I understood that while the fall may have hurt, the fact that he had been pushed by a friend hurt more.
In that moment, I felt my stomach clench, and a flash of anger ran through me like a current. My thoughts went something like this: “Why???would B. push J.? How could he? J. is one of the most gentle children I know. He was just sitting there! B. is older- he should know better. How would he like it if someone (like me) pushed him off the rock?” (I know, I know- I’m supposed to be a professional. I’m supposed to know and understand that these things happen, that it’s all part of life and learning, and that both children are in need of compassion. And I do know it, and I practice it.) But in that moment, it was my J. that was hurt and sobbing because another child had intentionally (and stealthily) pushed him.This was the first time something like this had happened to J. in the two and a half years I’d been caring for him. Somehow, in my heart and mind the fall was worse because someone else had purposely caused him to lose his balance. I felt protective- a little like a Mama Bear maybe- “Don’t even think about hurting my baby or I’ll hurt you!” But it turned out J. didn’t need my protection, as evidenced by what happened next.
B.’s Mom had heard what J. had said, as had B., who had made a quick exit from the scene. As I continued to comfort J., B’s Mom brought him back over to where we were, and asked him if he had pushed J. She was clearly upset and flustered. She was both apologizing to me and telling B. he had to apologize to J. B., meanwhile, wouldn’t look at her, and was trying to squirm away. I was still holding J., who indicated he wanted to get down. Still hiccuping, he walked right up to B., looked him in the eye, and very clearly said, “B. don’t push me! I not like it! You not push me again!” B.’s Mom insisted B. had to apologize to J., and B. offered a halfhearted, “I’m sorry,” but J. had said what he had to say, and he wasn’t holding any grudges. He was ready to go back to playing. “Come on B.! Want to climb the rock?” Fifteen minutes later, when it was time for us to leave the park, J. was happily waving and calling, “Goodbye B.! Bye, bye! We see you soon.” I spent the last fifteen minutes at the park reassuring B.’s Mom, who was distraught that this “problem with pushing was coming up again.”
I stood humbled and in awe of J., who, at two and a half years old, demonstrated an ability to clearly express his feelings and boundaries, while navigating a difficult situation with grace and forgiveness, which is something I sometimes still struggle to manage to do easily. Young he is, vulnerable he may be, and certainly he needed the comfort of my arms, and my listening ear when he had been hurt, but how amazing to realize his ability to negotiate a friendship on his own terms. I wonder why it’s so hard for us “grown-ups” to do the same?
Is it hard or easy for you to let your child take new physical or emotional risks? What feelings come up for you when your child is hurt? Are the feelings the same or different when the hurt is caused by someone else’s actions? How much do you think adults should intervene in children’s interactions or conflicts?
Structure, expectations, predictability- all add up to responsibly raising and loving our children. The freedom we all feel deep within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in the scheme of things.” Magda Gerber
From my mailbox:
“I am 23 years old and have a 3 year old daughter and a 3 month old son. I just recently began researching alternatives to corporal punishment and have come across so much information I am having a hard time sticking with one particular style. I’m trying to pick and choose what I feel is right but it seems that everything I have tried with my little girl isn’t doing much so I revert back to yelling and spanking and threatening corner time. It really really hurts me to treat her that way but that is how I was raised and I am having such a hard time breaking the cycle. Her most used lines are “I don’t want to.” “NO!” “I said NO!” Where do we begin?”
“I don’t know what to do when my son does something to hurt his little sister, like hitting, kicking, or grabbing a toy from her. When I see my son act like this, I feel angry at him, and protective towards the baby. I want him to learn to be kind and gentle with his sister, and I don’t understand where this behavior comes from. We are always gentle with him.”
“I’m a single Mom, and sometimes, my daughter just wears me out. I feel like I’m saying the same things again and again, and she just doesn’t hear or listen. After the tenth time of saying “No!” or asking her to do something, sometimes I just lose it and yell at her, especially at the end of a long day, when I’m tired too.”
“Mornings are the worst for me. It’s always such a busy time. I’m trying to get all of us dressed, fed, and out the door on time, with everything we need for the day, and that’s always the time my youngest chooses to have a meltdown, or cling to my leg. I try to stay calm, but it’s hard. He will be throwing his breakfast on the floor, refusing to get dressed, or chasing the poor dog and pulling her tail, and I just don’t feel like I have the time to deal with it calmly.”
“How do I deal with it when my daughter screams at the top of her lungs, no matter what I say or do?”
“My son is 18 months old and he loves to throw balls and play catch. The problem is he throws everything, and often at someone, and sometimes hurts them! How do I teach him (or can I, at his age) what’s appropriate to throw, and where?”
“I have trouble getting my son to look me in the eye when he’s bitten me or his father. And I’m speaking about when he bites for sport / play, not when he’s tired, overstimulated, etc. Traditionally, when he’s bitten us, I simply and neutrally state “No biting” or “I don’t want you to bite” and then move on so I don’t fuel the fire with attention. But over the past few months, this has stopped working. So, I’ve instead started kneeling at his level and tellling him gently that I don’t want him to bite me. It’s at these times that he’s squirmy, looks away, and deliberately avoids eye contact. Any ideas? Or is this the wrong technique? He’s 23 months, by the way.”
Does any of the above sound familiar? All of the toddlers in these examples are acting in completely normal and age appropriate ways, but their behavior can sometimes be perplexing and exasperating to the adults who love them, and it can be hard for parents to know how to respond. We want to help young children to learn to behave in socially positive ways. Young children need to trust we will respond with kindness, and help them to understand the limits and learn what behavior is expected and accepted. Recent research indicates that if we react with harshness, young children can’t learn anything at all. Young children feel safe and secure, and can cooperate more easily when adults calmly set clear, consistent and firm limits, when the “rules” don’t change, and when they are told what they can do instead of just hearing “No!”
Here are five easy steps to help you effectively (and calmly) set limits with your toddler:
1) Begin with empathy and trust. Assume your toddler is doing the best she can do in any given situation, and is not just trying to drive you crazy. Trust this: with your gentle guidance and some time, he can and will learn to act in more positive ways.
2) Next, observe or notice what is happening, and simply narrate or state what you see or hear.
“You hit your sister, and she is crying.” “You are throwing the sand.” “You are throwing your food.” “You are screaming.” “You are throwing your blocks.” “Ouch, you are biting me!”
3) Briefly explain why you want the behavior to stop.
“It hurts your sister when you hit her.” If you throw the sand it might get into someone’s eyes, and that hurts.” “Food is for eating. It makes a big mess when you throw your food, and I don’t like it.” “It hurts my ears when you scream,” or “I can’t understand you when you scream.” ” Blocks are hard and it might hurt someone if you throw blocks at them.” “Biting hurts.” Notice two things: Most of the time, you want or need to set a limit when your child’s actions might harm them or someone else. Also, it is perfectly acceptable to ask your child not to do something because you don’t like it- your feelings and needs matter. So if you find yourself getting upset because your child is making a big mess that you will have to clean up, or you just can’t bear to listen to another moment of screaming, say so! Sometimes just drawing attention to the behavior and the reason it is inappropriate is enough to stop the unwanted behavior (at least in the moment).
4) Set the limit, while demonstrating the desired behavior or offering an alternative, if possible.
“I won’t let you hit your sister. Please touch her gently.” ( Say this while stroking both children gently.) “If you want to hit, you can hit this doll (or the floor, or these pillows).” “Please keep the sand low in the sandbox” ( demonstrate). ” If you can’t remember to keep the sand low, I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox.” When you throw your food, that tells me that you’re done eating. If you still want to eat, please keep your food on the table or I will put it away (or ask you to get down).” “Please don’t scream. I want to understand, and I can’t when you’re screaming. Can you show me (or, tell me using your regular voice) what you want?” or “If you want to scream, I will ask you to go in the other room (or outside).” “If you want to throw something (or play catch) let’s go find a ball. Balls are for throwing. If you keep throwing the blocks I will put them away for today.” “No biting!” ( Say this firmly, while putting your child down.) I will move away if you are going to bite me. If you want to bite, you may bite this teether.”
5) Follow through with the limits each and every time (consistency). This is very important.
When you set a limit your child may resist, or express some angry or sad feelings. This is perfectly natural, and fine. Accept, name and acknowledge your child’s feelings, but calmly hold firm to the limit. Your child is entitled to express and have her feelings heard, but that doesn’t mean you have to meet her anger with anger, agree with her, or give in to him.
Help your child if necessary. Stay nearby and supervise closely if your child is prone to hitting his sister. “You are having a hard time remembering to keep the sand low in the box, so I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox now. Can you do it yourself, or would you like some help?” “You are still throwing your food. I’m going to put it away now.” (You can also hand your toddler a cloth and ask her to help you clean up the food that was dropped.) “You are still screaming. I’m going to ask you to go get all your screams out in the next room,” or “I can’t help you when you’re screaming.” “I’m going to put these hard toys away, and you can play with these balls and stuffed animals.” (In some cases, it may be necessary or helpful to make changes in your environment or routine that will make it easier for your child to remember and cooperate with the limits. For instance, it may be helpful to put away hard toys for awhile if your child is intent on throwing everything. Maybe providing a gated, safe play area for the baby will protect her from her brother when you can’t be right there to intervene. Maybe changes in the morning routine are needed to make it a less rushed, stressful time, or you can put aside some special toys that come out just in the morning for your toddler to play with.)
Remember, the attitude with which you approach your child and the tone of voice you use when setting a limit matters just as much as what you say. The goal is not to punish, but to teach. Children learn just as much (or more) from what we do, as they do from what we say. Magda Gerber always said, “What you teach is yourself.” What do you think she meant by that?
