Clean Up, Clean Up

Oh, the mess!

“How do you handle cleaning up toys for a three year old? Or should I not have this expectation? My husband asked my three year old to pick up toys and she said, “No thanks”. So he said he would take something away if she did not do it.  I don’t agree with this and my three year old doesn’t care! She says, “Go ahead”. At what age do we start cleaning up together and asking for /expecting participation? And what should the consequence be if they don’t/ won’t do it?”

 

It is such a common question, so today, I am going to offer some ideas originally shared in the Facebook group, RIE: Raising Babies Magda’s Way that may be helpful in thinking about how to approach this dilemma in a respectful way. Begin by understanding that living with young children means living with some (Okay, sometimes a lot of) mess. Learning, growing, playing, and creating is a messy affair. Letting go of the expectation that your home will be Pinterest perfect goes a long way. As with most things, encouraging cooperation and participation in cleaning puts the onus on us as parents to do most of the “heavy lifting” in the early years. It takes time, modeling and patience, and we have to try to see through the eyes of our children.

It can be very helpful to create a  yes space” within your home, which is essentially the child’s play space, and that way, toys are confined to one area. It can also be helpful to have baskets for easy sorting and cleaning up. But aside from these practicalities, it is important to build the habit and to invite, rather than insist upon or force cooperation, and this can begin at a very young age. During parent/infant education classes, I bring a large basket, and five to ten minutes before the end of class, I bring out the basket and very slowly begin to collect the toys, narrating what I am doing. This is a signal to the children that the class is drawing to a close, and we will soon be saying goodbye. I ask parents to remain seated and to stay relaxed as I gather toys. By the time children are young toddlers, when I bring the basket out, I usually have several eager and willing helpers. I usually pick up just a few toys, and then sit and let the children bring toys to me. I don’t expect  or direct them to help, I don’t sing a clean up song, and I don’t make a big deal of it if some children choose not to participate.

Likewise, at home, I began a similar routine with my girl when she was an infant. I would tidy her play area twice a day, usually midday and early evening. For a long time, she just watched, then she liked to “help” by taking toys out of the baskets, and then one day, when she was about two, this happened:

Look how neat!

 

I would generally just start and let her join in any way she wanted to. At age two and a half,  she eagerly participated in cleaning up. She had started to build these tall block towers, and I would always ask her if she’d like to leave them or if she’d like to knock them over and put them away and rebuild them later. Engaging her in the process and seeing clean up as a “wants something” caregiving time, and a cooperative effort was important. A good rule of thumb for both younger and older children is to not allow access to more toys than YOU are willing or able to pick up all by yourself. This does not have to be a battle. Children don’t need to be threatened with consequences, manipulated or bribed in order to participate in this process.

Janet Lansbury adds: “Children are more likely to help out when they don’t feel pressured or on the spot, aren’t too tired, and have been approached with a positive, polite attitude. When we don’t give them a ton of these kinds of rules and we stay on their side,  they feel genuinely loving towards us, and want to help. I would only ask in the most open way, “Would you mind popping some of those blocks into this bucket?” If she says no or just doesn’t do it, keep going yourself, maybe asking her again with something else. If you ask children any question, it has to be okay for them to say no. What I’m saying is to stop trying to find an approach to get her to do this. Ratchet this all back to being perfectly willing to pick up yourself. My advice would be to put out less stuff if you don’t want a big mess to clean up. You can’t force these things. You can’t force someone to like and respect you. That’s a kind of old-school thinking that leads to punishment and a less intimate and trusting long-term relationship between parent and child. Yes, a child may be perfectly capable of cleaning up, but that will always be a voluntary activity on her part. You cannot force this, unless you want to resort to punishment and creating more of a divide between you. Being capable and wanting to do it are two different things. From my point of view you are trying to straitjacket her into being more mature than she is and that always backfires, because we don’t get what we want in the end. We might get a “good” child that feels a lot of shame inside and doesn’t feel particularly intimate with her parents.”

Kate Russell, of Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids, echoes Janet’s advice, saying, “Children are inherently good, kind and helpful. They don’t need to be taught to be these things. When children are able to act these qualities out it is because all their needs are met. They are feeling safe, supported, trusted, accepted, loved, connected. They aren’t hungry, tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, etc. When you get annoyed or frustrated with your child for not following your orders, you undermine her feelings of safety, support, acceptance and  love, and therefore it is nearly impossible for her to naturally and authentically want to help or follow your orders. I would encourage parents to explore further where these ideas that children must experience consequences for not complying are coming from. Often, it’s related to our own upbringings and values we had forced on us early on.”

Finally, Shiva, mom to a four year old, reflects, “Last night I found myself a bit frustrated about my child’s lack of participation in cleaning up before bedtime so I took the time to search for some guidance. After reading the comments above, the first thing I did this morning was to declutter and put some of her toys away (with her input). I slightly shifted my perspective and tone during our clean up routine tonight and noticed a huge difference! We also started cleaning up a little earlier than usual to ensure that she’s not too tired, and I set some limits, telling her if she’d like to play with her toys that she needed to make sure they stay in her room.”

So, what do you think? Are you ready for a shift in how you approach clean up with your children?

No Ifs, Ands, or Buts: Setting Limits With Empathy

Calmly setting and holding to necessary limits can be trying for parents, especially in the face of a toddler’s strong feelings of displeasure or upset. One of the most frequent questions I receive from parents is “How do I set or hold  a limit when my child is upset?” For instance, “It’s time to get dressed, and my child is refusing. We have to leave in 15 minutes to get to childcare, so that I can get to work on time. He can’t go to childcare in his diaper, but he won’t cooperate, even though I’ve given him time, and offered him choices of what to wear. I’ve tried distracting him and bribing him, and explaining the reasons he has to get dressed. I don’t want to force him, but I don’t know what to do. It’s almost impossible to dress a screaming, kicking child, and I hate to see him so upset.”

Often, in instances like this, parents are tempted to give in or give up, or they wear themselves out trying to reason with their toddler, and they may become frustrated when they give choice after choice, but their toddler rejects every option. Sometimes, parents resort to yelling or spanking, or sometimes, they end up bringing a diaper clad but otherwise naked toddler to childcare, and asking for help!

The answer to this question is to pause to allow for and acknowledge your toddler’s feelings, and then, to calmly carry on.  But what does this look and sound like in practice?

Parent and teacher, Sarah Morrison, sheds some light based on a realization she had after attending a conference held in Sacramento, in October of last year, where she listened to a keynote speech given by RIE Associate Janet Lansbury.

Sarah writes: “I think I just had an epiphany.  I was just sitting here, meditating on Janet Lansbury’s keynote talk about acknowledging emotions. One thing she said that I’ve really tried to implement is removing “but” from my vocabulary when I acknowledge a child’s feelings. Typically, adults say things  like, “You really want that toy, BUT it is Ryan’s.” “You don’t want to get into the car, BUT we are running late and we need to go right now.”

Somehow, when you include the “but” and everything that follows, it seems to invalidate the preceding part of the statement. As an example, if I was overwhelmed and stressed to the limit with my responsibilities and poured my heart out to my husband and he replied, “You are so, so unhappy right now. You feel like there’s just too much on your plate, BUT you’re the one who is home during the day and these things still need to get done.”, I would NOT feel very understood.

ANYWAY, that’s not what my epiphany was. As I was meditating on Janet’s presentation, I suddenly realized that RIE (Resources For Infant Educarers, the organization and approach founded by Magda Gerber) is not about treating children like mini-adults (a common misinterpretation of Magda Gerber’s philosophy), it’s about treating them with the understanding that they are PEOPLE. A child’s brain does not have the same developed powers of logic and reasoning that a fully formed adult brain has, therefore, it’s unreasonable to present them with our wonderfully reasoned, logical,  and intricate arguments for and against every limit that must be set. It’s not appropriate for us to give toddlers complete autonomy in choices of nutrition, proper clothing, or safety and health issues. It is our responsibility to make these decisions and hold these limits without wavering in the face of their displeasure, but to do it with love and empathy for their feelings.

“You don’t want to eat the broccoli on your plate. You wish I had served more banana muffins instead of broccoli! You are in charge of what you put in your body. If you don’t want to eat it, leave it on your plate.”

This doesn’t change the fact that I’m serving broccoli for dinner and I’ll probably serve it again next week. I’m not going to offer a banana muffin instead, or explain why broccoli is good for my child and why she should eat it. Having broccoli on our plates tonight is just the way the world is. I can acknowledge her feelings, (“You don’t want broccoli, you wish we had something else.”), and remind her of her agency. (“You’re in charge of what you put in your body. You may leave it on your plate.”)

This is pretty much the way I’ve operated since first introducing RIE ideas into my program and family, but I was having trouble explaining to others the nuances of the principles I was trying to work with. I think the distinction between treating a child as an Adult versus as a Person may make it easier to understand.

What I took from Janet’s presentation was that honestly acknowledging and being respectful of a child’s feelings or point of view shouldn’t have any qualifiers. It’s enough (and more respectful) to simply observe, “You really don’t want to get in the car. You want to stay and play.” And then, just be in that moment with them. Adding, “BUT we’re running late and you need to get buckled in right now”, kind of just runs roughshod over what they’re feeling and perhaps invalidates it.

I think this a a perfect time for Magda Gerber’s advice to Slow Down.

“You really don’t want to get in the car. You’re so upset right now.” (Pause to slow my own breathing and get a little “zen”.) “I need to be sure you’re safe. Do you need another moment before I buckle you in? OK.” (Pausing again to keep my own breathing deep and slow, staying as unhurried and relaxed as I can.) “OK, I’m going to buckle you in now.” (Pause to let what I just said register and then gently and firmly talk my child through the process.) “I’m helping you with your right arm. And now your left. Here goes your chest clip. I need your bottom all the way in the seat. Please sit your bottom down all the way. I’m going to help you scoot your bottom back so that I can click your buckle. OK, now I’m making your straps snug. I know that you are still upset. You are crying and you look frustrated. It’s OK for you to be upset. This is a safe place for you and your feelings. I’m going to get in the front seat now but I will be listening to you.”

My general rule of thumb is, the louder and more upset a child is becoming, the softer and more intimate I become. It helps me to remain calm and I think it helps children to feel safer. I don’t need to put on a big parenting show for everyone in the cereal aisle, it’s just me and my kiddo trying to reconnect and that is done by going low and slow.”

I’d love to hear your questions, comments, and thoughts about setting limits with empathy. For more reading on a gentle, effective approach to discipline with infants and toddlers, I highly recommend  following this link and checking out the many articles Janet Lansbury has written on the topic.

Sarah MorrisonA special thanks to Sarah Morrison, who is an Early Childhood specialist who lives in Northern California. Her passion for providing quality child care for young children led her to study Waldorf Education with Lifeways North America, which is where she was introduced to the inspired writings of Magda Gerber and RIE. Soon after, she completed the RIE Foundations course. Sarah runs a mixed-age nursery school program from her home.

If Attachment Parenting Isn’t Working, Try This…

Note: On November 19, 2012, I shared a link on my Facebook page, which resulted in a rich conversation exploring  Attachment Parenting and other alternatives (specifically, the RIE Approach developed by Magda Gerber) that parents and caregivers might choose to care for their babies and young children. Four days later, the original post continued to generate interest and comments, with over 1,781 views, 596 engaged users, 83 comments, 42 likes, and 3 shares. Obviously, this post has tapped into something deeply important to many, which is why I felt it would be worthwhile to transcribe it here.

Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby: There’s more than one good way to nurture a baby. I’m sure this is going to be controversial, but please read with an open mind. This is one mother’s story about her experience with attachment parenting, and what led her to seek an alternative that worked better for her and her family.

“Not only had attachment parenting led me down a path to crazed sleep deprivation and chronic back pain, but I spent most of those first two years feeling guilty about my failures as a mother. After all, AP babies enjoy better behavior, development, and learning skills – but what happens when Attachment Parenting methods are a disaster?” Why We Ditched Attachment Parenting – Emily,of  Holistic Squid

 

“I know that many folks love attachment parenting, but co-sleeping and babywearing did NOT work for us. I think it’s important that new parents aren’t bullied into thinking AP is the only way to parent.”  Emily, Holistic Squid
Clare Caro: It’s such a shame that people think of ‘Attachment’ as babywearing and co-sleeping. Look at all the children from Dr. Pikler’s orphanage in Budapest, not a single sling or bed shared and ALL attached. I’ll put my neck out on the line here and say that the children from Loczy were more attached than a child in a typical ‘AP’ family.
Pennie Brownlee: My experience also.

Sydney Steiner: There is a difference between AP and Bowlby’s Attachment theory Clare. People get confused about that I think, and I agree with you. I also agree with this article and have written a similar post about this. I have an “attached” baby who falls asleep on his own and who is rarely carried around. He also has a mother who is happy, well-rested, and not in constant back pain.

Ronda Nelson: Really, CIO (Cry It Out)? No need to read any further.

Lisa Sunbury: Ronda, If you don’t read, how can you understand- or judge?

Jessica Jarrett: Ronda Nelson, you should not judge as you were not there and do not know what it was like to be there and what CIO meant to them.

Clare Caro: I wonder, is for one person to leave another to ‘cry it out’ respectful behavior?

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, What do you think?

Jessica Jarrett: Our daughter would have none of it. She hated being worn and won’t sleep with us. She self-weaned the day before her 1st birthday. At first, I felt bad about it all but to be honest I don’t mind one bit now that I am not in the middle of the situation anymore (hindsight is amazing). We did what our baby wanted.

When our darling daughter was 6 months we had to let her cry for 29 minutes one time to get her to sleep on her own (We had a 30-minute window of crying until we would go get her.) and since then she has been wonderful at bedtime and she is now 14 months. I desperately did not want to do it but there was no choice in my mind. Up to that point, we would swaddle her and walk around for 1.5 hours in the dark while bobbing up and down and she would thrash around and it just kept getting harder and harder (almost dropped her and decided no more!). I dreaded bedtime every night and did not think that is how it was supposed to be…I wanted to love my child, not be scared of her.

We are always there for her and support her in every way so I think that we are doing our own version of AP.

Catherine Courtemanche Van Arnam: Lisa, this is great! Sometimes speaking the truth requires bravery, you continue to be a respectful, kind, and thoughtful kind of brave.

Lisa Sunbury: Catherine, Thank you…Sometimes I don’t know if it’s brave, or just crazy, but I’m committed to thoughtfully and honestly exploring and honoring all points of view…

Morgan Hyde Nahanee: Just another example of why it’s so important to do what’s best for you and your family not simply ‘follow’ one school of parenting ideals. I firmly believe we can connect with our children in so many ways. It’s hard for me to imagine only following someone else’ s path trying to get to that point.

Sydney Steiner: Love, Respect, and Disagreement: “I don’t have to agree with you to love and respect you. This is a phrase that I have been pondering lately. I find that it applies to two areas in my motherhood, my relationship to children and especially my relationship with other parents, caregivers, and friends.”

Lindsay Hennings: I have 2 children and we are AP parents in that we don’t CIO (Cry It Out). My first was easy. Rarely cried and slept through the night on his own. I didn’t do anything. He was just easygoing. The second baby is a different story. It didn’t matter what I did. At 20 months he still isn’t a good sleeper. He weaned at 6 months so his sleep issues aren’t from waking to nurse constantly. So I really think it depends on the child. Some are easygoing and others not so much. Some are great sleepers, others not so much.

(Note: The next two comments are mine, and were made in response to someone who commented, and then withdrew her comments and left the conversation.)

Renae, I had a very different read on this article. I don’t think the mother is blaming anyone or anything for her “guilt issues.” She was a new mother trying to find a gentle way of parenting, she chose attachment parenting and it didn’t work for her, so she made some modifications. Her tone throughout is respectful and honors both the positives and negatives of the experience she had. I shared because many, many parents understand attachment parenting to be and require exactly what this mother did, and they end up exhausted and feeling like failures because it’s not working for them. If you look at AP support boards the only answer ever given to a mother like this one is “Keep doing what you are doing. It will get better.” Not much comfort for a mother who is in pain, sleep-deprived, and losing her mind. I believe people need to have real help and know that there are other options when what they’re doing isn’t working. I don’t believe parents need to sacrifice their health and sanity in the name of attachment parenting or any other kind of parenting. This doesn’t help babies or parents.

Renae, I’m not big on labels either, but the reality is we have them, and there are some very marked differences in the different approaches to parenting. I liked this article for the exact reason you state. The woman doesn’t claim to be an expert, nor is she giving parenting advice- she’s simply sharing her experience and what worked and didn’t work for her. Everyone is free to take it or leave it, and decide how it might or might not apply to themselves and their own children. I think the only way any of us learns is through reading and listening to another’s experiences and then integrating what we’ve heard/read with our own experience, and doing what feels best/works best for our own situations. It’s all a learning process.

Laura Clout: She does say however that attachment parents treat all proponents of other parenting methods with unabashed scorn. Not in my experience!

Lisa Sunbury: Laura, Some do, some don’t- this was one person’s impression/experience.

Clare Caro: Laura, it’s written to be an exciting read, there is a lot of angry language in there that is bound to upset every AP parent on the range from ‘follow the book’ to ‘half pie’… it’s what makes it so exciting!

Clare Caro: Lisa, I think that there is no respect for the relationship in ‘CIO’ (Cry It Out), not one bean. I also think that parents are so clueless (to use the word Holistic Squid used) that they have no other option than to look for a book by which to parent. This story is about how a couple began with the Sears book and switched to the Ford book. Simple as that. In the meantime they remain just as clueless in my opinion because they forgot to ‘read’ their baby – they forgot to have a relationship with their baby, to tune in, to find the instincts in their mammalian brain. Here is what Dr. Emmi Pikler (the ambassador for respectful relationships with our babies) has to say on crying: Pikler, Emmi – Crying

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Thank you SO much for sharing Emmi Pikler’s wise words here. As you may know, I am very familiar with (and a proponent of) both Pikler’s and Gerber’s teachings regarding babies and crying (and baby care, in general)!  But honestly, there are problems with the term CIO (Cry It Out)  and I don’t believe ANYONE is born knowing how to be a good or respectful parent. Most of us haven’t had good models. Learning to parent or care for babies well is “on-the-job training”, which is why people have so many questions and resort to books, the internet, friends, etc. when faced with questions or concerns. There is no doubt in my mind that these resources and conversations HELP families. (Even you reference a book resource to make your point clear.) I don’t fault anyone who reads, who asks questions, who tries and maybe fails and comes back to read some more, try a different way, etc. It’s all learning. Instincts alone are not enough to guide us, but I DO believe (and appreciate your point) that tuning into babies and listening to their cues is crucial and can go a long way towards making things easier for both baby and parent. BUT, this is still such a foreign concept to so many. How do you read a baby? How do you develop a relationship with a baby? These are questions many parents don’t consider or have an answer to, which, again, is why I believe it is so important for us to listen to each other, to converse, to share resources, to keep talking, and talking with each other, and listening, and listening, and listening to each other, and learning, and learning, and learning from each other.

Pennie Brownlee: Might want to ponder on empathy – reading with the Heart (in conjunction with the head and the book/s of your choice). Dr. Bruce Perry in “Why Empathy is Essential – and Endangered.” “Humankind would not have endured and cannot continue without the capacity to form rewarding, nurturing enduring relationship. We survive because we can love. And we love because we can empathize – that is, stand in another’s shoes and care about what it feels like to be there.” Which is a scientist and researcher’s way of telling it. Dr. Emmi Pikler put it thus: “What is important is that we learn what is essential. What is essential is to observe! [Her emphasis.] Get to know your child. If you really recognize what your child needs, if you feel what is causing him grief, feel what she needs, then you will respond in the right way. You will guide and bring up your child well.”

Lisa Sunbury: Yes, Pennie, a good suggestion. I’ve certainly benefited from “reading with the heart” and from considering the important role empathy plays in all relationships.

Clare Caro: It seems that, while we can get information and learn from books, we won’t actually get what is needed from a book – such as empathy. Yes, we must read and talk and learn together to get skilled up for the job BUT THEN take that knowledge and focus on the relationship, and honor the adult-infant unit. Empathy is a key ingredient to being able to do this. Another would have to be keen observation skills because you really do literally have to READ your baby, their cues, and gestures. In my opinion, the danger lies in using the ‘book’ to dictate your part of the relationship with your child – which is what has happened in the Holistic Squids story, in their case two books. And it’s so obvious that attachment and empathy never entered the equation because in a relationship where these things are present – when in a respectful, empathetic relationship you would not leave your best friend to cry it out. I am aware that stress-release crying is a part of many babies’ lives (particularly in the West), but to ‘teach’ them, how can this be a part of a respectful relationship? This is why I brought up Pikler’s words on crying. I am aware that you are familiar with the Pikler/Gerber teachings, and studied with Gerber for several years. I hope that in the passing down of information Pikler’s wisdom on crying, it has not ended up warping into saying that CIO is okay in any size or case, or indeed promoting it in any way.

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Absolutely not. But again, I think you are being much too harsh and judgmental. This mother CLEARLY cares about her children and is trying to tune in and care sensitively for them, and she used books to inform her and make positive changes for herself and her children when she was exhausted, and in pain, and what she was doing wasn’t working for her or for her child. Beware of judging until you’ve walked a mile in another person’s shoes. Regarding crying… if we are responding to an individual within the context of a relationship, the response changes depending on a whole host of factors, including why the crying is occurring, and what is needed and necessary in the moment…One can feel and express empathy for another person, and still allow them to cry, if that’s what they need to do. Parents can’t (nor should they try to) stop crying all the time.

Pikler and Gerber both wrote and taught extensively about struggle in the context of growing and learning, and about the importance of observing closely to know when and if and how to intervene. That’s another piece of this whole discussion we haven’t touched on. Within the context of a caring relationship, there are times when the other might be struggling, and we can’t take that away from them – they’ve got to go through their own process, and the most we can do is stand by and be there with them in it. Pikler (and Gerber) said, “Observe, come to know the child, and you will know how to respond…” To me, this mother was observing that her child needed to learn to sleep, and what she was doing wasn’t helping either of them, so she had to stop doing what she was doing, which was interfering with her child’s sleep and ability to get to sleep.

Clare Caro: Mmm yes, perhaps I am judging too harshly, even reading between the lines of overly dramatic language you can tell she was having a tough time (yes, I do empathize with her). But then to advocate Gina Ford, who is pretty much the polar opposite of Pikler… wowsers. I totally agree (being a Piklerian ideas person) that crying is a whole other subject, I don’t put crying and CIO in the same basket personally… and the reason why (now risking sounding like a broken record) is because they are divided by ‘respect’. Still, interesting discussion.

Lisa Sunbury: Clare, Yes, when we begin with respect and developing the relationship as the core, that value informs all of the choices we make in terms of practice. Again- Pikler and Gerber’s unique contribution to the parenting discussion. One of the difficulties with “explaining” RIE, is that it is NOT often prescriptive. It’s an underlying philosophy that informs all of the choices we make as parents or caregivers, and Magda advocated for” Respect for all”. Magda Gerber said very little about babywearing or co-sleeping, for instance. If pushed she’d share her personal preferences, but most often she’d turn the question back to the person asking and ask them to find their own answer through listening equally to themselves and to their baby. She often said (for instance), “The question is not whether you use the highchair or don’t use the highchair. It’s more important to make a conscious choice and know WHY you use the highchair and make a choice that is the best one for YOU and your baby.”

Sian Hannagan: I guess you could call me an attachment parent though I abhor labels and everyone sits outside of a box as much as they sit within it.

The only parenting practices I abhor are the ones that have been shown to actively damage children such as circumcision, crying it out, spanking, no breastmilk whatsoever, shaming, and emotional neglect.

Anything else from babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding duration, weaning choices, discipline choices (outside of the above), movement choices, etc etc are all horses for courses.

As you were.

Lisa Sunbury: Sian, I hear you and I’m with you- mostly. Re: “No breast milk whatsoever” this is NOT something that has been shown to be definitively harmful to babies, and some families literally do NOT have another choice. Re: CIO (Cry It Out), that’s a sticky wicket. It depends on many factors and the definition you are using, which is why I so intensely dislike the term. A child (of any age) who is left to cry for long periods of time without any comfort or support will most certainly be harmed. An infant needs to be responded to immediately when s/he cries. A one-year-old who has had consistent, loving, responsive parenting, and who is left to cry for a short period of time in the interest of learning to fall asleep on his/her own- to me, this is another matter entirely. The research indicates that there are no long-lasting, harmful effects, and indeed, the benefits to the child and the family may far outweigh the short-term discomfort and unhappiness of the baby.

Sleep is a learned behavior. Of course, a child is going to cry and protest (and has every right to) when they have been used to being rocked and nursed to sleep, and back to sleep, and when a parent chooses to make a change from co-sleeping to alternative sleeping arrangements. Of course a child deserves comfort and support in a situation like this, but the reality is, it is hard to unlearn and undo habits that have been learned, and some crying IS going to be a part of it. I always counsel parents to make these changes as slowly as possible and to gradually lessen their involvement in the baby’s sleep routine, but even then, it often means a period of time of listening to a child cry, while the child figures out how to put themselves to sleep…

Sian Hannagan: Lisa, I am referring to the first few days of colostrum and breastmilk. The results on denying an infant this IS definitive and is associated with SIDS, necrotizing enterocolitis, gastro issues, diarrhea, gut disturbances, reflux, and a whole host of other things. No ifs, no buts, no maybes. From then on inwards it’s a sliding scale relating to maternal choice and infant needs.

And the idea that a baby MUST cry to learn to sleep is not really addressing the issue accurately. There are other methods that can be used to encourage sleep very effectively that won’t cause stress in an infant.

Lisa Sunbury: Sian, Thanks for clarifying! It’s encouraging to me that at many maternity hospitals, mothers ARE encouraged to breastfeed at least once or twice in the first days, if at all possible. Obviously, this is preferable, but I still don’t think a child is doomed, if for some reason this can’t/doesdon’t happen. And again, I don’t think babies MUST cry in order to learn to sleep but depending on the circumstances, and what has gone before, some do, and some will and some must, and again, I don’t see this as necessarily harmful, or on par with spanking a child. There’s this concept of struggle that comes with mastery that enters the conversation. Struggle is a natural and necessary part of life, and learning, and may cause some stress in the short term, but it’s not entirely avoidable, nor is it necessarily something to be avoided at all costs. There are ways for adults to support and allow even the youngest of babies to participate in their own process and learning, without adults taking over for them. A parent isn’t necessarily practicing a damaging form of parenting by allowing their one-year-old child to struggle or cry for a short period of time in the process of sleep learning. I really like and recommend the posts Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare™ has written about sleep, and the guest posts written by Eileen Henry that address many of these questions regarding sleep learning and crying. Again, just another point of view. Here’s just one: Helping Babies Sleep (With Empathy And Compassion) Guest Post by Eileen Henry

Family Focus Movement: Here is a direct quote from Dr. Sears. Dr. Sears: “This is why we came up with the 7 Baby B’s [you can find these on Dr. Sears’ website]. They are tools, not rules. You take as many tools as you can with the resources you have. I can’t breastfeed but I can wear my baby more or I can respond to my baby more. I wasn’t breastfed. I was bottle-fed. I turned out okay. Also with our adopted baby, she was the first formula-fed baby but it didn’t agree with her so we had donor milk. This is an option for today’s mom. There are many ways of meeting your babies’ needs.”

Lisa Sunbury: Family Focus Movement, I appreciate your comment… Yes, Dr. Sears presents his ideas as “tools not rules”. The problem, as I see it, is that often the suggestions are interpreted as “rules”, and sometimes taken to an extreme, and parents feel like they are failing if they can’t continue to provide what Dr. Sears suggests after the first months. What might be a helpful and appropriate response for an infant, may not be for an 8 or 9-month-old baby. Nowhere in Dr. Sears’ writings can I find ANYTHING about including the baby in the equation, in the sense of respecting that babies come with some basic strengths, and the ability to self-regulate, if given the right conditions and support. Babies are learning every minute. This is what I appreciate about Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy. She believes (as do I) that parenting well is a mutually adaptive process, and there is room for both the baby’s needs to be met, as well as the parents’ needs to be met. Babies have the ability to participate in their own process from the very beginning. They are not completely helpless, needy, dependent creatures, who need parents to perform superhuman acts in order to soothe them…

Family Focus Movement: I believe you also need to take a look at what Maria Montessori wrote in regards to what a child needs.

Lisa Sunbury: I have, thanks! And many of her ideas resonate and overlap with Pikler’s and Gerber’s – although Montessori worked with/focused primarily on children aged three and up, and Pikler and Gerber were/are unique in their focus on, and contribution to the understanding of caring for infants and toddlers…

Family Focus Movement: Actually, Montessori’s education philosophy applied to children starting from birth.

Lisa Sunbury: I do understand this. But Montessori primarily worked with/observed children aged 3-6, and developed her approach with children of this age. I’m no expert on Montessori, but I’ve read and studied her books, and did an internship at a Montessori preschool. Pikler, on the other hand, started with babies and toddlers, and that was her primary focus for all of her life. RIE Associate Deborah Greenwald wrote a thesis comparing and contrasting the two philosophies and methodologies when she was a graduate student at Pacific Oaks College. Again, there are areas of overlap, and some similar themes ( the importance of observation, respect for the child, creating an environment that allows the child to succeed, etc.) and the two inform and complement each other, but there are some differences as well. When were talking about babies and toddlers, nothing compares to, or beats Pikler and Gerber’s contributions in my mind.

Sarah Gremillion Brown: I guess I’m more of an AP than most of my friends, with encouragement from others. I agree with the blogger… 26 months after birth I have struggled with being sleep-deprived and a raging hormonal crazy not as connected to my hubby’s mother. Which is better parenting? Having a mom that feels herself and is able to have enough patience to parent a toddler or adhere to a 100% AP style? I agree, do what works for you and your family. I have learned a lesson for my next baby, whenever that may be. I will always lean toward AP, but I know how important a well-rested mommy is too.

Emma Bouzidis: Absolutely brilliant article. Resonates with everything I stand for as a parent. I firmly believe it is my responsibility to teach my children everything including the reality that they must learn to put themselves to sleep. We followed a similar sleeping routine and my lil man slept through at 7 weeks and now at 18 months will often sleep longer than 12 hours at night and has a good 2-3 hours during the day. Thank you for sharing this!

Elanne Kresser: It’s easy to idealize and be disappointed by any parenting approach. There were things I imagined my baby and parenting would be like based on having read RIE books and blogs, and I was disappointed, frustrated, wondered if I was doing it wrong, thought maybe I wasn’t as good of a mom as I’d hoped I would be, etc. I see a number of moms feeling very let down by their hopes for attachment parenting and I can understand this. I think there are many ideas within an AP approach to parenting that are admirable and have contributed to more gentle parenting. And I think when we stick to anything out of our ideals rather than responding to the reality in front of us we are setting ourselves up for hardship.

Lisa Sunbury: Elanne , Yes! THIS: ” I think when we stick to anything out of our ideals rather than responding to the reality in front of us we are setting ourselves up for hardship.” Although- I think living out of our VALUES, combined with looking at the reality in front of us while keeping an open mind, and continuing to listen and learn, can be very empowering, and can lead to finding ways to honor and respect everyone involved in a situation…

Pennie Brownlee: This is an interesting discussion. There is a proverb in this country (NZ) that translates “If you are going to bow down to a mountain, let it be a lofty mountain”. Dr. Bruce Perry MD Ph.D., James W Prescott (developmental neuropsychologist and cross-cultural psychologist would qualify as ‘lofty mountains’ in my estimation.

Pennie Brownlee: How will parents know what to do? Empathy is a good place to start, and for that, one has to tune in with the heart, literally, (in conjunction with their head and whatever book/s they are referring to). Dr. Bruce Perry writes in “Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential – and Endangered”: “Humankind would not have endured and cannot continue without the capacity to form rewarding, nurturing, and enduring relationships. We survive because we can love. And we love because we can empathize – that is stand in another’s shoes and care about what it feels like to be there.” Dr. Emmi Pikler puts it like this: ” What is important is that we learn what is essential. What is essential is to observe! [Her emphasis.] If you really recognize what your child needs, if you feel what is causing him grief, feel what she needs, then you will respond in the right way. You will guide and bring up your child well.” When the Pikler Institute was doing 24-hour residential care for babies and children (1946 – 2011) as Clare Caro stated at the start of this conversation, the staff knew how to form secure attachments with every child even within an ‘orphanage’ setting. It would be worth pondering on her advice to parents, and beneficial to see what the pillars of bonded relationships are, the ones that cannot be dispensed with.

Ayu Saja: If what I did with my daughter 19 years ago is now known as Attachment Parenting, then I can say that I am a proud mum of a successful young woman who still continually, regularly reaches out for me for reassurance either by phone calls or email (she lives 5 hours drive away from my town). But I wouldn’t want to do what I did 18 years ago with my second daughter. I don’t want to “wear” her, breastfed her too long, nor am I prepared to share my bed with her unless necessary. My second daughter, in contrast, is a very confident, agile, and independent toddler at 20 months old, to her sister who was somewhat timid and well… too attached to me for my liking…

I guess each to their own. I wouldn’t want to change the way I parented my 1st daughter, though I learned a lot from that time.

Thanks for sharing the article.

Deliberate Parenting: I think any and every parent that shares her story as a way of trying to help us other parents is brave. I often shy away from topics for fear of being misunderstood. Whether we agree or disagree we are hearing someone else’s story. This either confirms what I know to be true for my family or teaches me something new.

Hasti Kashfia: In my opinion that isn’t what AP is about. I didn’t wear my sons 24/7 and we slept just fine (except for when illness was an issue) and comparing two different kids with 2 different temperaments doesn’t even make sense?!?

Lisa Sunbury: Hasti, It’s true babies all have different temperaments, but it’s also true that what a parent does or doesn’t do helps shape a child. It’s a reciprocal cycle.

Carrie Chuff: This is interesting to me. The discussion here sort of answers my question that I was afraid to ask: is AP at odds with RIE, and vice versa? What I think matters most, personally, is paying attention to each specific child’s needs, and following your own motherly instincts. Personally, at least in my own case and in the cases of moms who are close to me, our instincts are usually pretty spot-on, once you finally get down to them, away from controversies and what you grow up thinking you’re “supposed” to do. Personally, I consider myself an enthusiastic attachment parent, using what fits our family and not worrying about fitting the label. I’ve also benefited from many RIE principles. Using both (with varying degrees) has just felt right. So far in my parenting, they have meshed nicely. Apparently, however, that is not a usual occurrence?

Jennifer Hoitsma Mallios: I agree with Carrie! I take some of both. I don’t think that AP and RIE are at odds at all – unless you really want to be labeled as one or the other. Thanks for posting the article, Lisa.

Jennifer Hoitsma Mallios: I like wearing my kids, but not to the point of severe back pain. And I don’t wear them just to wear them, even when they’re crying! The baby carrier is a useful tool, but again, not something that everyone has to use religiously.

Kate Friend: Both of my babies HATED being worn! Wonder what the AP reading of that situation would be! They wanted to explore and wiggle and definitely not be stuck with all my body heat on them. And both times I hoped and expected to wear them all the time because nothing’s sweeter than having that little one snuggled up against you and still having your hands free to drink your coffee and Tweet. (Go ahead, judge away.)

Clare Caro: You drink coffee? te he just joking.

Trish Collins: I see stories like this and I wonder why people are so averse to following their gut when it comes to parenting. I follow many AP principles, but I stopped wearing my son around 5-6 months old because he was 24 pounds and it was too heavy. I occasionally wore him after that, but I didn’t think of myself as a failure for not wearing him all the time. Wearing him had stopped working for us and I didn’t worry about it. Like the previous commenter, Hasti says, you can’t compare two different kids who have two different temperaments. Is it Dr. Sears’ job to spell out exactly when to stop doing something? Aren’t we all adults here? I think the conversation should move away from labels of parenting and instead encourage parents to follow their gut, which will likely mean a different method of parenting with different kids, even in the same families.

Penelope Wincer: An interesting discussion. I think the problem is following any particular parenting style to the letter. I’ve found both attachment parenting and RIE so helpful and apply lots of techniques from both styles and don’t find them at odds at all. In their hearts is respect for the baby. I use ideas that suit my babies and my family. I don’t co-sleep any longer but I am responsive at night. I babywear but my daughter is left to play for long periods uninterrupted. I think reading these ideas has enhanced the tools I use as a parent and has a very positive effect. But no one should follow a set of rules to the point of going against their baby’s needs! Or their own needs. I’m wary of when people say you should just follow your instincts though too – instincts are often the result of the way we were parented (good or bad) as well as the culture surrounding us. So there is no harm in challenging your instincts by doing some reading – just maybe don’t abandon them entirely.

Danielle Dixon: Well said, Penelope 🙂

Trish Collins: I agree 100% with what you said, Penelope. I just want to clarify something. What I meant about following your instincts is that if something isn’t working, there’s no reason to continue doing that for weeks, months, or years, no matter what the “style” is or what the perceived benefits of that style is. I mean, when someone complains to me about their child’s sleep issues, my first question is what is acceptable to the parent. If co-sleeping isn’t working for them, I wouldn’t encourage them to continue doing it even though that’s what’s working for us. The article was surprising to me because the author continued doing something long after it stopped working. That’s what I mean about following our instincts.

Claire Larroux: In the Continuum Concept “philosophy”, which is similar to AP, babywearing is for the first few months of the dependent stage and then at the exploratory phase the baby is left to explore – a bit like an RIE baby. I think that makes total sense…

Toni Durbano: While wearing your baby may not be for everyone, there is absolutely a way to wear even 40 lb preschoolers and bigger children in a pain-free manner, given proper technique and appropriate carriers. I don’t find the article so judgmental (and I’m an AP parent who co-sleeps, nurses, and wears my baby) because I think all she’s saying is a certain parenting style didn’t work for her. I do wish she considered the idea of balance that Sears talks about and acknowledged in her article that he and others who promote extended breastfeeding and other tenants of AP address the idea that if parents are struggling/resentful they need to re-examine how they are applying AP and make a change. There is nothing in this parenting philosophy that demands parents sacrifice to the point of misery or physical pain in order to patent this way. Had she discussed this idea I would’ve felt she was being honest and informative about her AP experience rather than inflammatory.

Carrie Chuff: Penelope, I respectfully disagree a bit regarding instincts. I absolutely agree that research and reading is a good and necessary thing, because knowledge is power and it’s always good to challenge yourself to seek the truth in all things, not just parenting. But I really do believe all human mothers, regardless of their culture or upbringing, have innate knowledge in how to best care for their children. I think culture and upbringing have a lot to do with how a person later decides to parent, even subconsciously, but I don’t consider those instincts. I think a mom knows in her deepest self if a parenting decision is or isn’t right, though it may take uncommon self-knowledge in order to know it and listen to it, apart from what she’s learned or been told by her culture. That’s why listening to one’s instincts, in my opinion, should actually spur them on to learn more, rather than preventing them from challenging their preconceived notions about parenting. Maybe that’s just my own temperament, though.

Victoria Byres: I love so many aspects of the RIE approach but I feel that promoting articles like this is divisive. Obviously, there are plenty of happy and thriving A.P. parents and babies so I would much rather read about what is working well for families that follow RIE than how one lady misinterpreted AP.

Lisa Sunbury: Victoria, Thanks for sharing your point of view, but I didn’t post the article to be divisive or to promote one parenting style over another. I wanted to begin a discussion and hear from people about their experiences. The overall question for me is not “AP  vs. RIE parenting?” but, “What has your experience as a parent been? What tools have you found to help you and your child, and which have worked well or less well? What did you do if you run into difficulties? What are good ways to meet a baby’s needs AND to meet your own?” I think we all learn and grow from listening to and considering other points of view. And the reality is, AP (and RIE, for that matter) are BOTH often misinterpreted. I continue to be committed to more understanding all around.

Angela Hill: There is nothing at all wrong with letting a child cry. But for the life of me, I will never understand why parents think it is a good idea to leave a crying baby/child alone. You don’t have to bounce, jiggle, carry and booby the pain/discomfort/feelings away and you don’t have to walk away. There is middle ground. It is called listening. It is called relationship. Put the books down and have a relationship with this little human balancing their needs with yours to the extent that you can.

Lisa Sunbury: Angela, I tend to agree with you, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a minute. I’m going to use this mother’s post as an example. I’m NOT talking about an infant here. Child is a year old. Mother and child are both exhausted. Sleep rhythm is disturbed or non existent.Child hasn’t had a lot of experience learning to fall asleep on his own. Mother decides to make some changes. She’s prepared her child, she’s given loving, responsive care , and gone through the bedtime routine, and now it’s time to leave the room, turn out the light, and let the baby sleep. Baby cries. This is new, uncomfortable, he doesn’t like it, he (rightfully) wants what he has grown accustomed to, which is holding, co-sleeping, nursing, bouncing. Mom could go in and comfort- BUT, is that really the most helpful or respectful thing in this case? Might that not just upset the child further, and/or interrupt the child’s process further? Might the message the child receives be, “I am here, but I am not here?” Might the child experience confusion about why his parent is there but refuses to respond in the way he has known her to for all of his life? Isn’t this more cruel than just allowing the crying and allowing the child to work through it and go to sleep on his own? Might it not be a case of pulling the band aid off slowly vs. quickly and cleanly?

I absolutely don’t believe that a child who has loving, responsive care is going to be harmed, or feel “abandoned” in a case like this. Now, if the crying went on for more than half an hour, or the child woke in the night crying, or it had been a week, and the child still cried just as hard and as long at bedtime, of course this might require a different response. Again, it depends on a parent listening to, and knowing their child, and themselves. (And just for the record, because I know I’m going to take heat for this point of view, I DO NOT advocate CIO. I often counsel parents on sleep issues, and I tend to advocate a slow, supportive approach to making changes, and I personally have never been able to listen to a baby cry for more than 5 minutes without going to them, but I have also personally known, and worked with parents who have chosen to take exactly the approach this mother did, and their children are thriving, healthy (emotionally and physically), firmly attached, and well rested…)

Sundari Elizabeth Kraft: Lisa — That is so interesting, because the scenario you described is pretty much exactly what we went through with my daughter when she was 11.5 months old. She was accustomed to bed sharing, but her bedtime was 2-3 hours before mine, and when I tried to put her down for bed (without me) she would consistently wake up crying every 30-45 minutes, and need lots of care in order to go back to sleep. Not only was this exhausting for me and cut into the small amount of “me” time I tried to have at the end of the evening, but it got to the point where it was clear that my daughter wasn’t sleeping well and I didn’t feel that her habits were serving her rest or her brain development.

With lots of discussion (with her) and preparation, we allowed her to settle herself during the early evening. She cried some the first night, less the second night, and by the third night she was sleeping solidly for the first 5 hours of the night (after which I would bring her to bed with me at her first waking).

I received a lot of grief on a couple of AP pages when I attempted to discuss this (Actually, I was banned from one page.) but I feel 100% confident that what we did was far MORE respectful and responsive to my daughter than continuing with our old routine. She was not happy, and she was not sleeping well. Now she is able to sleep for large chunks of time on her own, and the fact that she adjusted so quickly tells me that she was ready for the switch.

In addition, not inconsequentially, it is very helpful to me to have time in the evenings where I’m not always waiting for her next wake-up.

To Clare and any others who are of like mind… I don’t think that parenting fundamentalism is helpful to anyone. It may make you feel more secure to believe there is “one true way” to raise children, but it just isn’t so. My daughter and I are very attached, and I did what was appropriate to support her independence and her development.

Lisa Sunbury: Sundari, I sincerely appreciate you sharing your experience here.

Maureen McLaughlin: That was an interesting read, for sure. I think she opens a bit dramatically with some of her word choices about AP ‘ruining her life,’ and being ‘smacked on the wrists,’ by AP parenting advocates but softens her rhetoric by the end of the piece. Which is good because her whole point is we need to stop being so judgmental of one another.I definitely related to much of what she said because she is describing almost to a T the experience we had with our first (he is now 23!). At 9 mos. my friends did an “intervention” on me because I had not slept for more than 15 or 45 min. in a row since he was born! For the exact same reasons: he had absolutely no idea how to self-soothe. There weren’t a lot of “methods” out there at the time so we used the Ferber method to get him off the night wakings/nursings.

I think my one area where I disagree is that I don’t think anything should be done, if possible, until at least 3 months of age. Hopefully sometime between 3 months and when they begin to stand. It took our son 6 nights of sleep “training” to get it including throwing up his breast milk because he would get himself worked into such a frenzy. I would cry too, but I liked the “plan” that I could go in a check on him in intervals…so I just tried to make it interval to interval. After 6 nights, it truly did transform our lives. Our son began to take naps, I started getting about 6 straight hours, I could plan our days better, etc. I think there is definitely a balance between the CIO method and the AP method, and I guess we all have different constitutions and personalities. I could not be a human pacifier and a happy person too.

I could not “babywear” because my babies hated it and I have also have back problems. I either held them with my bare hands or set them down. When I set them down I included them in on whatever I was doing. (Up on counter in baby seat watching me chop veggies, etc.). I weaned all of mine around 1 year. It was never traumatic because I had been working towards it with baby steps.

Lastly, I did co-sleep with my newborns in the crook of my arm…My 2nd one was a champion who only ever needed to be nursed once a night. Spent the first half of night in his own crib, 2nd in a double bed with me in his nursery. Third was high need in terms of snuggling. Did family bed with her, but she transitioned to the bottle around 10 mos. and merrily sucked on it till she was 4 (only at sleep times). Ack, I’m sure I will catch a ton of flack for that, LOL 😉 She was also a thumb sucker, so we did not mind sleeping with her. For me, I think it was the combo all night nursing plus co-sleeping that I couldn’t manage past 3-6 months without turning into a raging zombie. Namaste! Great discussion.

Stephanie Ann Peterson: As far as sleeping, I just feel the Hand in Hand approach is the most respectful. Staylistening communicates the most empathy to me. I think we should stay even if it takes longer and appears to cause more crying and/or raging. I save the walking away for when I am going to lose my patience and need to collect myself. That being said I don’t think walking away from a year old baby will necessarily damage them…it is just not best practice according to my heart. What I like about AP is that is really honors our biology and the story of a babies evolutionary needs. It honors closeness and empathy. I like RIE because it is about mutual respect and boundaries…which also promote empathy. I have both philosophies in my toolbox. There are times where I need to bend a little to meet my daughters needs and there are times to set her up for success to make changes and bring balance and peace to the family. I always trust that we can meet halfway. I am also a very big fan of James Prescott as mentioned above. Very interesting research regarding parenting practices in relation to violence and suicide.

Kathryn Estay: Where is the Dad in all this?

Lisa Sunbury: Kathryn, Good question!

Maureen McLaughlin: Yes, Kathryn- LIKE very much! In our family, after the first year Daddy was on duty for any night issues! But I had three kids…Got pregnant with each subsequent one when the other was age 2. So 9 mos. of pregnancy, one year of nursing, one year of getting body ready to conceive again. I needed some rest in between.Again, there may be some who would say I am a horrible parent for not tandem nursing, not nursing while pregnant, etc. But my body — my constitution — was just not able to do it. I think it’s fine when women can w/o losing their minds. I have no issues with child-led weaning, etc. I just wasn’t able to manage that and still be a happy, healthy person and “good Mama” with the necessary patience when I was that sleep deprived!

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, I don’t think you’re a horrible parent at all!

Carrie Chuff : Kathryn, I think the focus is more on the mom because, especially for young children, she is, generally, the primary caregiver. Usually we assume Dad is on board regarding parenting philosophies/styles/techniques, etc. (because if he’s not, that aspect is often brought up right away). Dad’s role is very important, too, but Mom is the one closest to her children at this point in their development, if only because she’s the one who is (usually) spending the most time with them.

Kathryn Estay: Yes, but my question is, where is the Dad when the parenting is done? Do you let your Child do whatever they want because they are young and don’t know what they are feeling? You are training your Child to act or not act a certain way whether you do it on purpose or not…It’s habit building….I think We as Mothers have a very important job, and yes we are around the child the most. I do think that my Motherly instinct gets in the way at times of the well being of my Child..It’s feelings. Emotions. That’s not always right…..The world has a mentality of “if it FEELS good do it” And you see where that has got us….I feel horrible listening to my Child cry in her bed, My instinct is to pick her up….But that is training my Child to cry for everything She wants. She understands I will wait until She stops, then she gets picked up right away……

Megan Haroldson: I always like having a bag of tricks and adjusting to your life style and children. We do everything: babywear/strollers, cosleep/cribs, etc. I do feel like an AP failure because I have 3 kids, 5 and under which is a lot of attachment. I can’t imagine not baby wearing- but I have a 23lb 6 month old so she is put down more often that if she were 15lbs. …I do encourage daddy-attachment and he is as close to our children as I am which is a major blessing.

Kathryn Estay: I think you misunderstood me, and it’s my fault. My comment about the crying in bed applies to my 1 year old…Not a newborn! And guess what- my 1 year old will stop crying when I walk in the room.. “When the parenting is done” refers setting boundaries and to the times when you are trying to teach a Child a lesson/training/disciplining a child. We are not restraining the Child’s emotions, We are training them to control them. But this wasn’t my question. Where is your Husband in the parenting process? Most Fathers are on the side lines, not really taking part. The Husband is the spiritual head of the Home. He is the one that sets boundaries, and leads the family. We as women can get caught in our emotions and be blinded, I know I do. And He is the one who keeps Me focused.

Kathryn Estay: Carrie, I’m not trying to argue or say anything negative about any parenting style. If anything is done out love it will work. But the motive has to be right. Spanking will work if done out of love, not out of anger. If the motive is wrong, the parenting will not work….And yes Parenting is an ongoing process, it never ends. I’m curious Carrie, When your son is told to do something and disobeys you. What do you do? Cause I don’t get a clear definition reading the “grace” parenting…..Or if your Son hits you or your Daughter? What do you do?

Carrie Chuff: Sorry, I didn’t want for it to become or be perceived as an argument, which is why I deleted my comment. It was also a little off topic anyway, haha! Regarding discipline, I follow the advice of Dr. Laura Markham – it has been well-suited to our needs.

Images of Learning Project: Thanks for sharing this article Lisa. This parent was very brave to share their viewpoint. As Meredith Small says, parenting is the one part of the human experience that everyone has an opinion on and they aren’t afraid to share it. When we label ourselves we don’t leave room for other possibilities.

Maureen McLaughlin: Kathryn Estay, ‘Spanking will work if done out of love?’ What? Lisa Sunbury can you help here?

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, Spanking may “work” in the short term, to scare children into temporary obedience, but it erodes the relationship of trust, and there is nothing “loving” about spanking. I don’t believe hitting someone smaller and defenseless can ever be said to be loving or respectful. I’ve written about this here: It IS Possible To Discipline Children Effectively Without Shame- A Very Personal Post. I also especially appreciate Kim’s reflections (The Single Crunch) on the topic of spanking: I Used To Hit My Children.

Maureen McLaughlin: I’m going to read both of those soon, Lisa. Thank you. In my opinion, spanking parents aren’t using ANY of the tools/techniques/philosophies we discuss on yours, Janet’s and other’s pages. I just wish spanking parents knew that babies and kids grow up, and someday they may find themselves with a violent teen who will turn to their parent (s) and make sure they know *exactly* where they learned it from. Please don’t spank.

Lisa Sunbury: Maureen, I fully believe that when people know better, they do better. Again, we just have to keep listening and talking, coming from a place of love, turning people back to look at themselves and their children, and building on any little strength. With spanking- it’s a vicious cycle. People who were spanked growing up often don’t know any better.

Leyla Momeny: Thank your for sharing! One of the most important nuggets that I learned during the RIE Foundations course is that babies deserve a shot a life – at being a being in the world! To go from the womb to 24/7 “babywearing” (probably one of the lamest terms in the universe!) doesn’t give them a chance–a shot–to be a human in the world, in space, on the floor, on their own terms. Liz Memel spoke of it with the language of being provided with the time/space to “organize” their bodies and to continue to gain knowledge of themselves and their bodies in space. I think these ideas are so hard, and sometimes so painful, for AP-adopters to honestly and openly consider.

Leyla Momeny: I hope it wasn’t too harsh to poke fun at that term. The idea is that I can wear a pair of earrings. I can wear a scarf. I can wear a jacket, but good lord, should I be defining myself as someone who WEARS a human being? eh. The distinction between “baby-carrying” and “babywearing” might seem insignificant to some, but the language invokes the type of respect that we do (or don’t) have for babies/toddlers. And this matters.

Lisa Sunbury: Leyla,  Exactly! Beautifully said!

Maureen McLaughlin: OK, so this is getting good. We are touching on something I can really relate to. First of all, when I “wore” my babies turned in they thought they were supposed to nurse. I know there are Moms out there who wear and nurse at the same time…But I wasn’t comfortable doing that. I wanted to just sit down and focus on nursing. Not nurse and make dinner, nurse and vacuum. For me, it wasn’t about ways to increase my abilities to multi-task. When my kids were older (about 6 mos and up) I did enjoy wearing them in those backpacks for hikes, but then with my third I herniated my disc doing that and that was the end of that ;)Leyla, I also gave my kids some “free time” in (horrors) a play pen that had a few beautiful things hanging on the sides for them to look at and perhaps a couple of toys and a sheepskin to make it nice and cozy (I know now they don’t want parents putting babies on sheepskins, so please don’t). They enjoyed rolling around and stretching, etc. I would just bring it in the kitchen so they were near me. I hope these ideas are helpful for parents, who, like me just weren’t comfortable with the “baby wearing” model. I’m glad it works for some parents…It just didn’t for me (us). I definitely think I was a baby-carrier. I got comfortable holding them on my hip for many household activities so they could watch what “we” were doing.

Lisa Sunbury: No matter the “style” of parenting or caregiving we choose- we all share one thing in common: We are all dedicated to learning about, practicing,  and promoting gentle, respectful ways to care for and parent our babies, and to support other families in doing the same, as is so beautifully expressed in this note to me from Kim of The Single Crunch:

Last night Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare™ mentioned in a status that there was a great conversation going on here. I followed and read the thread (not yet the article) and learned SO much from your words. Thank you. I tend to do as you said and when a parent posts on my page, sometimes instead of thinking of what’s best for the family I think of what is most “AP”. I am sorry for having done that. Those are not the answers I would have wanted when I was still very new at this, or the answers I’d want now. Though I do believe that “what is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parent” (can’t remember who to quote but it’s someone else, not me lol); I also believe that parents can find what works for them and still takes into account the needs of their children and family. You helped me to remember that my goal is to help parents parent intentionally and with unconditional love…not simply to parent by the AP model. It is a fantastic model and one that, due to my circumstances, fits my life very well. I have to remember that circumstances, resources, knowledge, and access differ. You made so much sense, you explained yourself so well and very gently, and you stood up for children and for parents simultaneously. A mom asked a question this morning about co-sleeping and I immediately thought of your words and I was able to pause and to reflect on all that may be going on for her, and to answer her in a way that I felt showed I care for her child and  for her. Parents can handle a lot more than children can but we are still people, too; and we have to keep our cups full before we can fill anyone else’s. Thank you. Love.

Kim, I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. As you may know, I’m a huge admirer of yours, even though we sometimes have slightly different ways of approaching things. What I appreciate about you is your absolute dedication to your children, your honesty, your advocacy, and your dedication to finding, learning, and sharing respectful ways to raise and care for children. I also appreciate your willingness and ability to constantly engage in self reflection and respectful discussion with others. These conversations are important if anything is going to change for the better for our babies. And it’s not so much that there is one “right” way, because there isn’t. There are many good ways to nurture and show respect for our children- and ourselves. You said, “You helped me to remember that my goal is to help parents parent intentionally and with unconditional love…not simply to parent by the AP model.” YES! We share the same goal, and I am honored to be on this journey with you. And to each of you who participated in this conversation, and shared your experiences, your thoughts, links for further reading, thank you!  Let’s continue the conversation!

Help! My Daughter Is Out of Control

“My daughter is out of control, and I don’t know what to do. She screams and screams, and there’s no way to stop her. There’s no talking with her, no reasoning with her, no bribing her, no distracting her, no consoling her. I’m at my wits’ end. I admit, I often resort to yelling at her or spanking her, because I don’t know what else to do. Nothing we have tried has worked. Yesterday, it was because she didn’t want to get in her car seat to go to school. We had to go, or I was going to be late for work, so I wrestled her into the seat while she was kicking and flailing. She screamed throughout the twenty minute ride to preschool. She was fine once we got there. She doesn’t act like this at school, just at home with my husband and me. I just don’t understand it. Why is she like this? My daughter is three. I thought temper tantrums were supposed to become less frequent and less severe once the “terrible twos” were past, but my daughter’s temper tantrums are getting worse and more frequent. Can you help me?”

I understand the frustration you are feeling, but in this situation, your “out of control” child is in need of  just as much understanding, support, and compassion as you are. A three year old child who is screaming and melting down on a frequent basis is a child in crisis. She is literally screaming for attention and asking for your help in the only way she knows how to.

Doctor Gordon Neufeld says that the pre-frontal cortex (the thinking, reasoning part of the brain- the “wise leader”) begins to develop from five to seven years of age. Therefore, our expectations are unrealistic if we are expecting our two, three, or four year old children to make sense of their emotions or be reasonable when they are upset. Even children who are five to seven years of age are just in the beginning stages of learning how to regulate their emotions. It is our role to help young children develop the skills to make good decisions, control their emotions and bodies, and develop empathy and self-understanding.

Young children do not have the ability to think rationally about their experiences and feelings and then calmly explain to adults what is troubling them. They are just developing an “emotional” vocabulary; they are prone to experiencing poweful, overwhelming emotions, and they may not know why they are feeling so out of sorts. They rely on the adults in their lives to observe, to listen, to interpret, and to help them manage and express emotions appropriately. When things get too out of balance, they may “act out” their pain, anger, and frustration, or “flip their lids” as Doctor Daniel Siegel (author of  The Whole Brain Child)  says.

Doctor Siegel does a great job of explaining what is happening in our brains when a melt down or tantrum occurs. He suggests closing your fingers around your thumb to make a fist. Think of this as your brain. The hidden thumb in the center of your palm represents the “downstairs” brain – the amygdala – the “alarm center” and area of big emotions. The fingers that close over the thumb represent the “upstairs” thinking part of the brain. As children grow, they slowly develop the ability to be upset but express  feelings calmly, but only if the thinking, “upstairs” part of the brain is still in connection with the “downstairs” emotion/instinct area. When we (a child or an adult) get really upset, we literally “flip our lids”! The fingers rise up and the “upstairs” brain is no longer in connection with the “downstairs”  part of the brain, and that’s when a child or an adult may lose control.


A screaming, out of control child (or adult) is begging for help. Most likely your daughter is feeling extremely powerless a lot of the time. Let me share a personal story that may help to illustrate. I am currently in the process of trying to gain custody of my niece who is in the foster care system in the state of Florida. Today, I found myself veering towards a complete and utter loss of control. This has been an arduous process that has involved leaving my home, my job, my friends, and moving across the country. I am coping with time changes, climate changes, diet changes, lack of sleep, lack of any usual daily structure or routine, family illness and stress, and I am  desperately missing my husband, my friends, and my cat, who are far, far away.

Given that I am an adult who has a fair amount of experience with loss and change, a fair amount of insight and coping ability, a fair ability to communicate well, and a fair ability to self regulate and self soothe, and given that this move was my choice, and I was prepared for a rough patch, I’ve been doing Okay.

What precipitated today’s melt down was experiencing a feeling of utter powerlessness with regard to the process involved in gaining custody of R. There have been an endless number of hoops to jump through, and we are stalled, three weeks into what should be a fairly straightforward and quick process.

Waiting to be with R. is hard, but I’m capable of waiting patiently if I know that everything possible is being done as quickly as possible to move R. into my care. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Nothing is moving forward, and the reason nothing is moving forward is not because of a lack of cooperation, communication, or effort on my part, but a lack of cooperation, communication, and effort on the part of the social worker involved in the case. Emails and phone calls go unanswered for days. Questions are not responded to with clear answers. Answers to questions change from day to day. Careless mistakes have been made. (My name was spelled incorrectly on a form, which has delayed the results of my fingerprint report which I submitted to days after arriving in Florida. No one notified me, or followed up, and now the whole process has to begin again, and there is another delay.)

There is no one  to complain to; there is no one who cares to listen. I am at the mercy of the system, and the system is broken. It is an awful, frustrating feeling. Days go by, and R. remains in foster care, far from me. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know when this is going to be over. I can’t count on the people who are in power to help, or to advocate for me and R. I can’t even count on them to give me straight answers about what to expect and when. Today, as I screamed and ranted and cried, I realized, “This is a feeling babies and toddlers must experience all the time. No wonder they have temper tantrums.”

Little children have so little control or say over what happens to them. Their experience in the world is limited. They may often feel confused and frustrated- especially if they don’t understand what is happening or why, or they don’t know what is expected of them. If you sometimes hold firm to a limit, and other times, you give in because your daughter wails too loudly, or you lose control of yourself,  it may be hard for your little girl to know what to expect and to feel safe. Children are easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. When a child’s behavior is out of control, you can be sure the child is in emotional pain. Your child most needs your support, understanding and empathy when her behavior is most out of control, and it may appear that she least “deserves” it.

What can you to do help your daughter (and yourself)?

You’ve taken the first step, which is to reach out and ask for help and support. That’s a brave and courageous thing to do, and I commend you. You have to understand and take care of yourself so you can understand and take care of your daughter.

Next, ask yourself what stressors (beyond developmental normalcy) might be contributing to your daughter’s melt downs. What is it about the preschool environment that helps her to be able to function well there? Is she getting adequate rest, good nutrition, plenty of active, outdoor play? Are there any changes going on in your family that might be contributing to her stress? Marital or financial problems? A new sibling? Changes in routine? A recent illness? Any or all of these things can contribute to your daughter feeling out of control and overwhelmed. How much TV does she watch?  Does she have the opportunity to have some control and choice over things that matter to her? Does she have enough, and regular, unstructured free play time? Have you checked with your pediatrician and  ruled out food allergies and/or sensory issues?

If you haven’t already created daily routines and rituals, now is a good time to begin. Young children cope best when they know what to expect and what is expected of them. They can cooperate and participate when they have clear boundaries. Simple, unchanging routines that they can count on give young  children a sense of safety and security. Get into the habit of telling your daughter what to expect before it happens, invite her participation, and give her time to transition from one activity to the next.

Make a commitment to respond calmly and with empathy when your girl is “losing it”. Not only is this good modeling, it lets her know that you are on her side, and she can count on you to be the “calm” in a storm. Time out, punishment, yelling, or bribing will do nothing but continue the cycle, because these responses do nothing to address the underlying issues that are causing the behavior.

Finally, I’m including a resource list of suggested reading that I hope will be helpful to you. I’m wishing you the very best, and please do let me know how things are going!

Biting, Hitting,Kicking And Other Challenging Behavior – Janet Lansbury, Elevating  Childcare

When Mama Has A  Bad Day, and For The Love of A Tantrum–  Darci Walker, Core Parenting

Books To Share With Your Daughter To Begin To Build Emotional Literacy–  Some of My Recommendations

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Because I’m a Little Boy”

 

“What day is it?” asked Pooh.
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.
― A.A. Milne

It’s summer time, and our routines and schedules are different. The week before last, we were all on vacation. One day last week (the day his sister usually gets out of school early during the school year), in the car on the way home from preschool, three year old J. asked me if  it was “early day'” and if we’d be going to pick up his sister from school before his nap, and I reminded him that she was at camp, and we would go and pick her up after he had had his nap. I could tell he was tired and fighting sleep. He asked to listen to his favorite music CD, “Boogie Oogie” (the same one he asks to listen to every single day on the way home from school), and so I turned it on, and we drove in silence for a few minutes, and then he asked me again if we were going to pick up his sister, and I repeated the answer I’d given him a few minutes before. We arrived home, and as I went to unbuckle his car seat, he asked me, “Why we didn’t go get S. first?” I said, “J., do you remember what I just told you?” He shook his head, and I wondered aloud, “Why don’t you remember?” He hesitated, and then answered, “Because I’m a little boy.” I hugged him and reminded him for the third time what our plans were for the day.

It was a simple conversation, but I have been thinking about J.’s response to my question ever since. It is something so obvious, but it can be so easy for us adults to forget. Young children have a different understanding of time than we do. Sometimes, after J. wakes from his afternoon nap and he is telling me about something that happened earlier in the day, he will say, “Yesterday…”. Young children also sometimes take a longer time to process incoming verbal information, especially if they are tired or distracted, or if there is other noise in the environment (like a radio playing). Finally, changes in rhythms and routines that seem like no big deal to us, can be confusing for young children. And generally, the younger the child, the more true all of these things are, which is why it may sometimes seem like children aren’t listening, when really, they aren’t understanding, which can lead to mis-communication and melt downs (on the part of both children and adults).

“What do you say, Pooh?” Pooh opened his eyes with a jerk and said, “Extremely.” “Extremely what?” asked Rabbit. “What you were saying,” said Pooh. “Undoubtably.” – A.A. Milne- The House At Pooh Corner 

I think if our children could, they might say something like this to us: “Because I’m a little boy, I need you to understand, and to be patient with me. Because I’m a little boy, I need you to slow down, and go at my pace. Because I’m a little boy, I may need you to repeat a request or an answer to a question a number of times, or find another way to say it. Because I’m a little boy, I count on you to communicate with me in ways I can understand. Because I’m a little boy, it’s easier for me to listen and understand if there is no music playing or other distractions like TV, toys, or cell phones, and it helps me if you can get down to my level and  make eye contact when you are talking with me. Because I’m a little boy, I rely on consistent daily routines so I can know what to expect, and how to participate, and so I can make sense of my world. Because I’m a little boy, I need you to help guide me, in a world that is still so new, and sometimes confusing to me.”

 

One of our favorite books to share together: Little Boy by Allison McGhee. “The simple playthings, the everyday moments, picking up that hundredth rock — all of these are brimming with possibility…if you slow down and let the future begin with the small moments of today. Because everything depends on letting a little boy…be a little boy.”

 

Does Your Toddler’s Desire to Climb Make YOU Want to Climb The Walls?

“Help! My toddler has discovered climbing and tries to climb everything — chairs, tables, gates, bookcases. I am constantly telling him no and pulling him down from things. When we’re at someone else’s house it’s hard to enjoy myself because I’m always chasing him. What can I do to get him to stop? Or is climbing a good thing?” When and where is it appropriate to allow babies and toddlers to climb? Should they be allowed to climb on furniture or in the shopping cart areas of store parking lots because they want to and they are capable of doing so?

IMG_1152

 

Many children go through a stage of wanting to climb on everything, and some never seem to outgrow the desire to climb! Children develop their self confidence, balance, judgement, planning skills, eye/hand coordination, perseverance, and more as they climb and move their bodies through space, so why not let them climb anywhere and everywhere they choose to? You might be surprised to hear that I discourage allowing young children to climb on furniture, (or in public places like store parking lots that aren’t designed for this purpose), and my reason for doing so doesn’t have as much to do with safety concerns (although safety is a consideration), as it does with the fact that furniture is not made for climbing on, and while I encourage and support children to move, explore, and play freely, I also feel strongly about guiding young children to learn to respect not only themselves, but other people, and their environment. The reality is that we live in relationship and community with others, and children first learn about expectations, boundaries, and social mores at home with parents and siblings. I think babies and toddlers are able to understand that there are places and times appropriate for climbing, and others that aren’t, and a child’s desire (and maybe even need) to climb and explore can be met even as loving adults guide him to appropriate places to practice and hone his physical skills.

I once worked  in a childcare center as a member of a teaching team of three, caring for a group of seven infants and toddlers ranging in age from three to fifteen months. A frequent topic of conversation during our weekly planning meetings was how to utilize our classroom space to best meet the developmental needs of the group. We were lucky to have access to a number of  movable pieces of wooden climbing equipment, and a twin sized mattress, so the possibilities for creative and challenging room arrangements were many. We also had access to a fenced, grassy, shaded play yard with climbing equipment suitable for mobile babies and young toddlers.

We had a wide open floor plan, with floor to ceiling windows against one wall, a separate nap room, a designated area for diaper changing and a small kitchen area with a linoleum floor and a toddler sized table and chairs. There was a rocking chair for adults to sit in while feeding babies a bottle. One of the most frustrating aspects (for children and adults) of this floor plan was that while we endeavored to create an environment that allowed the children to play and explore freely, we often found ourselves having to stop inquisitive and eager new explorers from climbing over the non-mobile babies, or on the table or the rocking chair, or from trying to scale the low wooden toy shelves. The children often made no distinction between the “approved” climbing equipment, and the other babies or the utilitarian pieces of furniture in the room, and in fact, sometimes seemed to prefer the furniture for climbing.

My colleagues argued that we should patiently and consistently let children know that other children, the table, chairs, and the rocking chair weren’t for climbing, which meant stopping them and showing them where they could climb instead. If a child was particularly persistent, and not easily redirected we resorted to “containing” him  for a short while by sitting him in a chair at the table with a book or a few toys, or maybe by taking him and a few friends for a walk outside in the stroller. In theory, this sounded like a good idea, but in practice, we ended up spending a lot of our day redirecting babies and saying no, which was frustrating for them and for us, especially since there was usually only two adults in the room at a time, and one of us would inevitably be busy changing, feeding, or helping a baby in the nap room, while the other supervised the remaining children.

climbing steps

 

I had a nagging discomfort, a feeling that somehow we weren’t meeting the needs of the children very well, because (my rationale went) if they were so driven to climb, we either needed to provide an environment that met and allowed for that need without us having to constantly redirect them, or maybe we should let them climb wherever they wanted to, and not restrict them (except for when it came to climbing over other babies). After all, with the exception of the glider, which could potentially tip over if a toddler stood up on it, none of the furniture posed a very big safety risk. My colleagues maintained that it was important for the babies to learn that some places were for climbing, and others weren’t. I didn’t know if I agreed if it meant spending my day “putting out fires” and  redirecting babies to other areas of the room, or somehow confining them.

In the midst of my search for answers to this dilemma, I was introduced to Magda Gerber’s idea of creating a totally safe, but challenging, play environment for babies in which they are free to explore and move as they wish without a lot of interference or direction from adults. This seemed like an impossible task to accomplish given our floor plan and the fact that we were caring for seven babies of varying ages and developmental abilities in the same room. Much to my surprise, there was a simple answer to our dilemma, and that was to use sturdy gates to create very clear environmental boundaries for babies. The other solution was to stop rearranging and re-configuring the room on a weekly basis as we had been doing- the theory being that the babies didn’t need novelty as much as they needed consistency and predictability.

We decided to try this idea, using gates to partition the room into four distinct areas- one for feeding, another for diaper changing, a small play area for non-mobile infants, with the largest part of the room becoming a play and climbing area for mobile babies and toddlers, with a cozy quiet nook under the climbing structure. The “creation” of distinct areas for certain tasks immediately reduced the need for adult intervention and redirection by about 90%. It was clear to the children what the purpose of each area was, and despite the gates, which had to be opened and closed by the adults, the children actually had more freedom and choice than they had enjoyed previously.

This was the beginning of my understanding of how to “use” or adapt the home or school environment to create safety and freedom within clearly defined limits. So, how might this lesson translate in a home and family environment if you’ve got a little climber on your hands, and you want to encourage and support her growing physical prowess and mastery? What can you do to allow her to exercise her desire to test her limits, while also helping her to learn to exercise some self control, learn social graces, and to utilize furniture for its intended purpose as opposed to using furniture as her personal climbing gym? Here are some ideas:

 

Two Ideas For Creating Inexpensive Outdoor Climbing Opportunities In A Small Space

 

1) Childproof and use gates in your home and yard to block off areas or rooms that are off limits unless you are able to be present and available to intervene and model desired and expected behavior. If you are able to, consider dedicating a room or part of a room to creating a completely safe play area, and start spending time with your baby in this play space from day one.This space can evolve as your child grows and her needs change. If you’ve got stairs in your home, use them to allow your child to practice climbing. Do this by using a sturdy gate to block off all but one or two stairs, and then gradually increase the number of stairs she has access to as she becomes more confident.

2) Within the environment you have created, allow your child free, unrestricted movement. Stay nearby to observe, but don’t put babies into positions (or lift them onto equipment) they can’t get into by themselves. In this way, they will develop good judgment about what they can and can’t safely do. Surprisingly, a recent news article pointed to the fact that a common playground injury (a tibia fracture) often occurs when parents slide down playground slides with their toddlers on their laps! Magda Gerber urged parents to allow babies to move in their own time and their own way, according to their inner dictates,”Whenever you restrict an infant from doing what he could and would do naturally, in my mind you tell the child, “I know what’s good for you.” But you, the adult, do not know. For example, most children (not all), when they first go down stairs, go head first-they like to see where they go. Some people say it’s safer for infants to crawl down stairs backwards, and they teach infants how to go down that way. The child may become confused because his body tells him one thing and the adult another, and then the child may fall.”

Climbing Sunshine Mountain

3) Consider adding a few simple pieces of play equipment to your indoor space that are appropriate for, and invite climbing. This can be especially important and helpful if you live in a small home and don’t have easy access to a yard, or if you live in climates that make outdoor play prohibitive at times. Here are some suggestions for climbing equipment that is sturdy but easy to move, and can be used indoors or out: I recommend the Step 2 Naturally Playful Lookout Treehouse and Community Playthings Step Climber/Rocking Boat. (You can often find perfectly good, used equipment at garage sales for a fraction of the price of new.) Here is a link to a site that sells child size table and chairs, and climbing equipment like the kind we utilize in RIE parent/infant classes.

4) Spend lots of time outdoors, at playgrounds or parks. Let your children climb rocks, trees, slides, monkey bars, and hills to their heart’s content. If the weather prohibits this, consider finding and using an indoor children’s gym or play area that has free play time. (I’d recommend avoiding organized movement classes or directed play until children are well past the preschool age.)

5) Remain calm and consistent when setting limits with your young toddler around climbing. “You want to climb on the table, but I don’t want you to climb here. The table is where we sit to eat. If you want to climb, you may climb here (showing him).”

What do you think? Do you allow your child to climb on furniture at home? Why or why not? If not, what have you found works to help satisfy your child’s desire to explore his desire to climb?

 

 

 

 

Parenting Is A Journey -Sign Posts to Guide You

Janis Keyser, author of Becoming The Parent You Want To Be, opened her talk Parenting Is A Journey by sharing that Laura Davis, who is the  co-author of the book, lobbied hard for titling the book Become The Parent You Want To Be. Janis argued that they couldn’t name the book Become The Parent You Want To Be because “no one will ever do it.” She explained,  “It’s impossible to become the parent you want to be, because parenting is a process, one that you approach day by day.  It’s about becoming.” She noted that there really is no easy way to prepare to be a parent. “You can care for or teach other people’s children, but the real “training” comes once you become a parent. It’s on the job training, when you are sleep deprived and there is no time.” And if you are a parent to more than one child, “each child asks of you to be a different parent.”

 

Let Go of Perfection 

Perfection is not the goal. It’s about letting go of perfection, and being with what is. “Children give us a second chance to see the world with fresh eyes.”

“Perfect parents are not useful for children, because perfect parents don’t model how you make a mistake, and what you do next.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I made a mistake. I will try to do that in a different way the next time.”  Children think adults are so competent. They think you know everything. What a wonderful example you set when you model for them: “You can be as big and as competent as I am, and still be learning.”

 

Define Values

“HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.” A.A. Milne

 

Janis said this scene from a Winnie The Pooh story is a good analogy for parenting. You go bumping along from day to day doing the best you can. It may be the only way you know, but sometimes you may have an inking that there might be another way, if only you had a moment to stop and think about it! Learning about, and understanding how your child develops can help you, as can taking time to reflect on the values you want to teach. Take the time to stop for a moment and consider how you’d answer these two questions (we did this exercise in the workshop):

1) Imagine your your child as a twenty year old. If you asked him to complete the following sentence what would you want him to say? (Try to think of five things you’d want him to say he learned.) In my family I learned:

2) Now, can you think of one example, or one way that you transmitted one of these values to your child this week?

It can also be helpful to reflect upon what you learned in your family, and to ask yourself if these are values you want to pass on to your children. Often times, you may find you unconsciously parent exactly like your parents or exactly the opposite of your parents. You may find that you share similar values, but have a different way of teaching them. Janis, who is the mother of three, stepmother to five, and grandmother to many children, was reminded of this one day when her late husband said to her, “You can send your mother home now,” but her mother wasn’t visiting. Her husband’s words made Janis realize she was acting like her mother in a particular instance.

Our children learn from every single interaction they have with us, even the hard ones. We are always sending messages, both implicit and explicit through every exchange we have with our children. It’s not just our tone of voice and what we say that conveys our values, but also what we do, and the spirit in which we do it. To illustrate this point, Janis told a story about one of her daughters who had been going through an extended period of experiencing intense temper tantrums. Janis was feeling like nothing she was doing was helping her daughter. One day, in frustration, she asked her daughter what she could do to help her, because she didn’t know. Her daughter thought about it for a moment and said, “What you already do. Hold me. Keep me safe. Stay until I’m done. Listen to me.” Janis realized then that her daughter was getting the message she wanted to send, even though she was still struggling.

Janis’s four year old son once had a fascination with guns, and one day he constructed a toy gun out of legos, and came to show her. His explanation to her was that the gun he made shot the guns out of the bad guys’ hands and made them peaceful. At the age of four, her son understood that if he was going to talk with Janis about guns, the conversation somehow had to include peace.

Another time, her thirteen year old daughter wanted to attend a movie that Janis wasn’t sure was appropriate. As Janis was debating whether or not to let her daughter go to the movie, she suggested maybe she would go to the movie with her daughter. Her daughter”s response? “Mom you  don’t need to go to the movie with me. Your voice is already in my head!”

 

Walk together
On the Journey Together

 

Share Values Through Relationship

We tell our children what it is they can talk about through opening up the conversation, not through correcting, but through listening, and through sharing our own feelings. If we don’t talk about and share our feelings, then children learn not to talk about feelings. Janis talked about being a “champion crier” as a small child, yet as she grew up she internalized the message “Big girls don’t cry.” She was never told to stop crying, and  her mother sometimes cried, but when her mother cried it was always clear that she was disappointed in herself . To this day, when Janis’s mother calls to talk with her, Janis is always “Fine!” (said with a great big smile), no matter how she feels or what is happening in her life.

We can show interest in our children’s experience, by trying to understand the thinking behind their thinking. “Tell me more.” “How do you think that happens?” The conversation between parent and child is ideally a give and take. When a Mom takes the time to slow down and share in her child’s fascination with watching a catepillar, this is seemingly a small gesture, but here are some of the messages the child might receive in that moment: “Simple shared moments can bring joy.” “What I notice is important.” ” What I am motivated by is interesting to those who love me.” “Sharing a discovery is even better than making a discovery on my own.” “I can learn more through patient observation than by quickly moving on.”

 

Understand Development and Embrace the Struggle

“There are a few things you can’t make a child do. You can’t make them eat, sleep, or poop on the potty. What you can do is set up the context, create the space, and provide rhythm, and predictability.”

Discipline is one of the greatest gifts we can give children. Boundaries can be created in a respectful and honoring way. “The reason children are given parents is so they can set limits because children don’t always have the experience to make all the best decisions at the moment.” They can learn to make good choices in time, with practice, and within the safe parameters parents provide. The key to setting a limit respectfully is to ask yourself  “What is the good idea that my child has? What is she trying to express, and how can I help her to figure out how to express this idea in a positive way?” For instance, a child who is biting may be trying to express, “I’m teething, it hurts, and it feels really good to chomp on your arm.” Or maybe it’s, “I really want the toy you have in your hand.” Or maybe it’s, “I feel crowded when you get too close.” Or maybe it’s even, “I love you so much, I could just bite you!”

Acknowledge the good idea (what the child is trying to express). “You are feeling crowded. You want some space.” Give information: “You may move away,  or tell Emily to stop if she’s coming too close.” Create safety using both physical and verbal boundaries: “I am here to help you and to keep everyone safe.” Place a hand between two children to prevent a bite. In the case of a child who is biting because of feeling crowded, maybe you stay close to provide narration, or set up a private, quiet space the child can retreat to, or maybe you avoid attending group events  for a time. Give redirection and choices: “I can’t let you bite Emily, but you may bite one of these teething toys if you need to bite.” Acknowledge progress:”You were feeling frustrated when Emily got too close today, but you didn’t bite! You moved away!”  Give the message, “I know you are learning and growing into a person who can express feelings and get your needs without hurting anyone.”

Redefine your role as a coach or facilitator. Honor the process, the struggle, the frustration. “What would it be like if your child was in the middle of a struggle and you were her cheerleader? Ask yourself if there is a way to help your child have a positive, deeply healthy relationship to their struggle, to their feelings, to ALL of them, not just the happy ones.” With your guidance, and modeling, your child can learn to move through feelings to find accomplishment on the other side, and “the next 100,000 times a struggle presents itself, they will have this experience to draw upon.”

In this post, I’ve shared the highlights of Janis Keyser’s April 24th,2012, talk, Parenting Is A Journey, given at The Third Place in Los Altos, California. Janis is a teacher, parent educator, program director and speaker who specializes in Early Childhood Development. She taught for 30 years in the Early Childhood Education Department at Cabrillo College and has been conducting workshops for parents and teachers for over 35 years. She is a nationally recognized speaker at parenting, family and child development conferences. She lives in Santa Cruz, California and is the mother of three, stepmother of five, and grandmother of many.

 

 

 

 

 

Understanding Your Toddler- Why She Does the Things She Does

 

Alice Callahan, of Science of Mom, shared my post What To Say Instead Of No, on her facebook page last week, which led her to observe she often says “no” to her daughter, not in an angry way, but in a sad way. This led to a conversation that gave us a fascinating peek into BabyC’s mind and learning process as she struggles with self mastery. Alice also gained insights into how she might best support BabyC in attaining self discipline and co-operation.

Alice: I was watching my use of “no” yesterday and realized that I use it often in a sad way, not an angry way. I use a genuinely gentle but sad tone of voice when BabyC (16 months old), throws her food on the floor: “Oh, no, BabyC, now there is a mess on the floor. You can tell me “all done” when you feel done with lunch.” Lisa, do you think that is any different? I feel like it is useful for me to use “no” as a simple word that instantly conveys that her behavior is inappropriate, followed by the WHY and the alternative.

 

Dinner Uncertainty

 

  First: Define And Clarify Your Goals.

Lisa: Alice, I love how thoughtful you are about your parenting! I want to reassure you that it’s not the end of the world if you sometimes use the word “no” when talking with BabyC, but I’d encourage you to try to maintain a neutral tone, as opposed to using a sad tone, because you want to avoid pleading with her to co-operate. You also want to avoid shaming BabyC, making her feel guilty, or acting solely to please you. If you think about discipline as a process of teaching or guiding, and BabyC learning, to make good choices for herself (not dependent on a reward, or pleasing you, or an adult being present to direct her), and you think of your overall goals, it will help you to stay calm and more emotionally neutral.

In the short term, you want BabyC to refrain from throwing her food on the floor, and to learn to tell you when she’s all done so you can simply remove the food instead of having to clean up a big mess. Bigger picture: You want BabyC to learn proper table etiquette, self control, and good communication skills!

 Second: Try To Understand Your Child’s Point of View. Ask: Is this behavior developmentally appropriate? What need is my child trying to meet or what is she trying to communicate? What information does my child need in order to better co-operate? What support does she need?

But here’s the thing: BabyC doesn’t yet know or understand that she can/should tell you she’s all done, so she indicates it by throwing her food. Or maybe she understands she can/should tell you she’s done, but for some reason she still throws her food. Maybe she’s doing physics experiments, or it’s just fun, or your reaction is interesting to her, or maybe she just wants to see if your response will always be the same.

It often takes many repetitions for babies and young toddlers to understand what we’re asking of them, and then it takes them time to gain the self control and desire necessary to internalize the requested/accepted behavior, and act on it without being reminded or supported.

 Third: Remain Calm. Communicate Directly and Clearly.

By staying calm and emotionally neutral, and simply stating, “Oh, you’re throwing your food, that tells me you’re done, so I’m going to put it away now,” you aren’t giving any emotional charge to the issue. You’re giving BabyC information about how her actions impact you, about the expectations you have, and about what she can do instead of throwing her food.

“BabyC, are you all done? When you throw your food, I think it means you are done. If you throw more peas, I’ll put the food away and lunch will be over. If you still want to eat, please keep the food on the table. If you’re all done, you can hand me your bowl and I’ll help you wash your hands.”

Fourth: Use the Environment to Support Learning and to Minimize Frustration (for Both of you!).  Include Your Child in the Process.

BabyC might need to test to see if you mean what you say. I usually give one chance, and then follow through with what I said I’d do. You can make this whole process easier on yourself by using your environment to help encourage the behavior you want to see, and in this way further involve BabyC in her own learning.

By this I mean give BabyC only little bits of food at a time, and before serving more, ask her if she’d like more. Therefore, she has less food to throw and there is less for you to clean up, but even more importantly, you are modeling the behavior and communication you want her to learn, and including her in the process of her own learning.

  Fifth: Always Assume the Best. Trust Your Child is Doing Her  Best and Will “Get It” in Time.

Trust that BabyC will “get it,” in time. Trust that she is doing the best she can, and she is learning every minute. This is what works so well in the parenting classes I teach, and in group childcare settings. (Did you see Janet Lansbury’s video, Baby Table Manners?) Parents are often amazed at how well their children”behave” and cooperate in these settings. I think it’s because the environment is set up to support children, but also because the communication is so clear and respectful.

It works for parents at home too, but sometimes not quite as smoothly- but this is to be expected, because your baby (ideally) has the closest relationship with you, and so will save her “worst” behavior for you too! It’s an expression of her great trust in you, so it’s a good thing! I used your example of throwing food to describe a process that can be applied to any behavior to help guide a toddler to develop internal control and discipline. (The 7 guidelines are listed throughout this post.) What do you think?

 Sixth: Observe. Look For Clues to Determine if You’re on The Right Track.

Alice: Thank you so much for your thoughts on this! The food-dropping thing has been a chronic struggle in our house for several months. It isn’t a huge deal, because I basically do what you suggest: give one warning, and then take the food away if she does it again (as she almost always does). What worries me is that probably 2 out of 3 meals end this way, so I know it is one way that BabyC communicates that she is done with her meal. The other 1/3 of the time, BabyC signs or says “all done” (or both) or hands me her bowl and utensil to indicate that she’s done.

Right before she drops food on the floor, she will often pause and look at me and then shake her head – the same reaction that I give her when she actually drops it. All of this tells me that she knows other ways to communicate that she is done (and I always thank her for telling me in the appropriate ways), but she seems to still be testing my reaction to food dropping. I’m sure it IS interesting to her! But your point about removing the emotion from my response is a great one. That might just make my response less interesting to test. The other thing I know I can do is be more present with her during mealtime. I often finish eating before she does, and I usually pull her high chair around by the sink while I do the dishes. Although I try to stay attentive to her, I’m sure I’m a bit distracted, and I might be missing some of her early signals to me that she’s done eating, so she resorts to food-dropping, which always gets my attention. I’m going to work on this – I’ll let you know how it goes! Thanks again for your insights, Lisa. Your writing and the RIE approach have been so helpful to me.

Seventh: Celebrate Understanding and Signs of Growth!

Me: Oh Alice, This is wonderful insight! You just gave me a missing clue and answered your own question! Your focused attention makes ALL the difference, AND, it is clear BabyC is understanding and working on self control! The pause and head shake tells us this! She understands what the expectation is, she’s thinking about it, and shaking her head is what I call “self talk”. “I’m done and I want to throw my food, but I know this isn’t the best way to tell Mama.” She’s beginning to internalize the expectation, but doesn’t always have the ability (self control) to stop herself (YET).

Remember: Developing Inner Discipline and the Ability to Cooperate and Make Good Choices Takes Time and Lots of Practice.

When I taught RIE Parent/Infant Guidance classes in Silver Lake, there was a barrier of low wooden blocks separating the play area from the entrance area (which was not childproofed). As children became mobile young toddlers, many of them would challenge this boundary by trying to climb over the blocks into the living room. Sometimes, they’d be shaking their heads, or even be saying, “Not go there.” They were struggling to internalize the limit. I’d stay close, and let them push the limit to the very edge. Sometimes, just my quiet presence and focused attention was all the support they needed to refrain from venturing over the edge.

Could they climb up and sit on the blocks? Sure. Fine with me. But as soon as they started to cross to the other side into the entrance area, I’d say, “I don’t want you to climb over the blocks to the other side. If you want to go over there, Mama has to be with you.”

Some children needed to spend an entire class doing this again and again, and some needed to repeat this over many weeks before being able to internalize the boundary- but they all got it.We used the blocks to demonstrate the process of setting boundaries with young toddlers. It was (and still is) my favorite part of working with young toddlers. I love to see how they are actually working on internalizing the concepts. It’s amazing to see how they are all able to accept the boundary too, without having to be reminded again and again, once they go through this process.

It just takes the time it takes, and to us as adults, it can seem to take a very long time! I also understand that it’s harder at home, because I take care of children for eight to ten hours every day, and I go home exhausted some days! In fact, after an hour of teaching a parenting class I can be exhausted, if I’m focusing very intently and working with children around boundaries or conflict!

Alice: Lisa, this is fascinating. Thinking about our food dropping issue this way just makes me appreciate BabyC’s efforts and learning process and helps me to have patience with her.

Has this exchange been helpful to you in thinking about how to understand and work through a discipline dilemma with your own toddler?

 

 

What To Say Instead Of “NO!” – Six Ways To Gain Your Child’s Co-operation

Did you know? The average one year old hears the word “no” an unbelievable 400 times a day!

The problem with the word “No” is this: when it’s used too often, toddlers tend to tune it out after awhile.”No” alone doesn’t help your toddler learn what to do instead. Also, saying “No!” in a louder and louder voice (as you may be tempted to do when your toddler all but ignores you the first five times you say it), is not going to help him hear and heed your message any better. It may just lead to frustration for both of you. I advise saving “No” for emergencies, like when your child is in immediate danger. You can be sure your child will stop and notice when you use the word only in rare instances.

In “We Don’t Want To Spank,” Janet Lansbury emphasizes the importance of creating a safe play area within your home – a place just for your child, that has few restrictions, and is all about YES! The fact remains, when you are parenting a toddler, there are times when you will have to say “No.” So, what can you say instead, to get your point across and make it possible for your toddler to co-operate more readily with you?

Here are six ideas:

1) Rephrase your request in a positive way: Instead of  saying, “No, don’t run,”  try, “Please walk inside.”  Instead of  “No, don’t touch!” try, “You want to touch the lamp, but it might fall and break. Please just look with your eyes.” Instead of, “No, don’t touch the cat,” try, “Please remember to touch the cat gently.” (You may have to stay close to demonstrate gentle touches.)

2) Let your child know what he may do instead of  telling him what he can’t do: Instead of,  “No, you can’t have a cookie now,”  try saying, “You may have a cookie after dinner. If you are hungry now, you may have fruit or a piece of cheese.”  Instead of,  “No climbing on the furniture,” try, “The chair is for sitting in. If you’d like to climb, you may climb here (showing him). “Instead of , “No, we can’t go to the playground because it’s raining,” try saying, ” I know how much you love to play outside. We can go out as soon as the rain stops. Would you  like to read a story or build with your blocks while we wait for the rain to stop?” Instead of , “No! No throwing balls indoors,” try saying, “You can roll the ball indoors or take it outside and throw it. What’s your choice?”

3) Ask for your child’s help and thank him when he gets it right: Instead of, “No! I told you not to take your shoes off because we’re getting ready to go,”  try saying, “You need your shoes on to go outside. Please help me find them so we can get ready to go.” Instead of,  “No more playing for you. I’m not going to ask you to pick up your toys again,” try, “Thank you for helping me to clean up all the toys!”  Instead of,  “I said no yelling!” try lowering your own voice and saying, “Thank you for remembering to speak softly while your baby sister is sleeping.”

4) Explain the reason for your request, and  state what behavior you want to see instead: Instead of  saying, “No, don’t________ ,” try stating,  “I want you to_____________ because__________. “No, don’t throw the sand,” becomes, “I want you to keep the sand low in the sandbox, so it doesn’t get in anyone’s eyes, because that might hurt.” “No, don’t bang on the table,” becomes, “I want you to stop banging on the table because the sound it makes is loud, and it’s hurting my ears.”

5) Use “sportscasting”  to say what you see: Instead of saying, “No throwing food!” try saying, “You’re throwing your food. That tells me you’re done eating, so I am going to put the food away now.” Instead of “No splashing in the cat’s water bowl,” try saying, “You are playing in the cat’s water bowl, and splashing water all over the floor. That water is for the cat to drink. If you want to play in water, let’s fill the tub with water.”

6) If your child is hitting, kicking, or biting: Instead of saying, “No hitting/kicking/biting!” try saying, “Hitting/kicking/biting hurts! I won’t let you hit/kick/bite me. If you want to hit/kick/bite, you may hit the floor (or these pillows)/kick this ball/bite this teething ring.”

When you take the time to talk with your child in the respectful, positive ways above, explaining the reasons for your requests, offering choices, modeling the behavior that you want to teach, and bringing your child’s awareness to the impact his actions have on other people, you are including him in the learning process, and  guiding him to become self aware and self regulating in his behavior. This is the true goal of discipline; to help your child to become disciplined from within and learn to make good choices, instead of dependent on someone else to tell him what is right or wrong.

Tell me, have you found other ways to gain your toddler’s co-operation without resorting to saying no over and over? I’d love it if you’d share.

 

 

 

 

Stop! 5 Easy Steps To Effective Limit Setting With Toddlers

Structure, expectations, predictability- all add up to responsibly raising and loving our children. The freedom we all feel deep within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in the scheme of things.” Magda Gerber

From my mailbox:

“I am 23 years old and have a 3 year old daughter and a 3 month old son. I just recently began researching alternatives to corporal punishment and have come across so much information I am having a hard time sticking with one particular style. I’m trying to pick and choose what I feel is right but it seems that everything I have tried with my little girl isn’t doing much so I revert back to yelling and spanking and threatening corner time. It really really hurts me to treat her that way but that is how I was raised and I am having such a hard time breaking the cycle. Her most used lines are “I don’t want to.” “NO!” “I said NO!”  Where do we begin?”

“I don’t know what to do when my son does something  to hurt his little sister, like hitting, kicking, or grabbing a toy from her. When I see my son act like this, I feel angry at him, and protective towards the baby. I want him to learn to be kind and gentle with his sister, and I don’t understand where this behavior comes from. We are always gentle with him.”

“I’m a single Mom, and sometimes, my daughter just wears me out. I feel like I’m saying the same things again and again, and she just doesn’t hear or listen. After the tenth  time of saying “No!” or asking her to do something, sometimes I just lose it and yell at her, especially at the end of a long day, when I’m tired too.”

“Mornings are the worst for me. It’s always such a busy time. I’m trying to get all of us dressed, fed, and out the door on time, with everything we need for the day, and that’s always the time my youngest chooses to have a meltdown, or cling to my leg. I try to stay calm, but it’s hard. He will be throwing his breakfast on the floor, refusing to get dressed, or chasing the poor dog and pulling her tail, and I just don’t feel like I have the time to deal with it calmly.”

“How do I deal with it when my daughter screams at the top of her lungs, no matter what I say or do?”

“My son is 18 months old and he loves to throw balls and play catch. The problem is he throws everything, and often at someone, and sometimes hurts them! How do I teach him (or can I, at his age)  what’s appropriate to throw, and where?”

“I have trouble getting my son to look me in the eye  when he’s bitten me or his father. And I’m speaking about when he bites for sport / play, not when he’s tired, overstimulated, etc. Traditionally, when he’s bitten us, I simply and neutrally state “No biting” or “I don’t want you to bite” and then move on so I don’t fuel the fire with attention. But over the past few months, this has stopped working. So, I’ve instead started kneeling at his level and tellling him gently that I don’t want him to bite me. It’s at these times that he’s squirmy, looks away, and deliberately avoids eye contact. Any ideas? Or is this the wrong technique? He’s 23 months, by the way.”

Stop Sign

Does any of the above sound familiar? All of the toddlers in these examples are acting in completely normal and age appropriate ways, but their behavior can sometimes be perplexing and exasperating to the adults who love them, and it can be hard for parents  to know how to respond. We want to help young children to learn to behave in socially positive ways. Young  children need to trust we will respond with kindness, and  help them to understand the limits and learn what behavior is expected and accepted. Recent research indicates that if we react with harshness, young children can’t learn anything at all. Young children feel safe and secure, and can cooperate more easily when adults  calmly set clear, consistent and firm limits, when the “rules” don’t change, and when they are told what they can do instead of just hearing “No!”

Here are five easy steps to help you effectively (and calmly) set  limits with your toddler:

1) Begin with empathy and  trust.  Assume your toddler is doing the best she can do in any given situation, and is not just  trying to drive you crazy. Trust this: with your gentle guidance and some time, he can and will  learn to act in more positive ways.

2) Next, observe or notice what is happening, and simply narrate or state what you see or hear.

“You hit your sister, and she is crying.” “You are throwing  the sand.”  “You are throwing your food.” “You are screaming.”  “You are throwing your blocks.” “Ouch, you are biting me!”

3) Briefly explain why you want the behavior to stop.

“It hurts your sister when you hit her.” If you throw the sand it might get into someone’s eyes, and that hurts.”  “Food is for eating. It makes a big mess when you throw your food, and I don’t like it.” “It hurts my ears when you scream,” or “I can’t understand you when you scream.” ” Blocks are hard and it might hurt someone if you throw blocks at them.” “Biting hurts.”  Notice two things: Most of the time, you want or need to set a limit when your child’s actions might harm them or someone else. Also, it is perfectly acceptable to ask your child not to do something because you don’t like it- your feelings and needs matter. So if you find yourself getting upset because your child is making a big mess that you will have to clean up,  or you just can’t  bear to listen to another moment of screaming,  say so! Sometimes just drawing attention to the behavior and the reason it is inappropriate is enough to stop the unwanted behavior (at least in the moment).

4) Set the limit, while demonstrating the desired behavior or offering an alternative, if possible.

“I won’t let you hit your sister. Please touch her gently.” ( Say this while stroking both children gently.) “If you want to hit, you can hit this doll (or the floor, or these pillows).” “Please keep the sand low in the sandbox” ( demonstrate). ” If you can’t remember to keep the sand low, I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox.” When you throw your food, that tells me that you’re done eating. If you still want to eat, please keep your food on the table or I will put it away (or ask you to get down).”  “Please don’t scream. I want to understand, and I can’t when you’re screaming. Can you show me (or, tell me  using your regular voice) what you want?”  or “If you want to scream, I will ask you to go in the other room (or outside).”  “If you want to throw something (or play catch) let’s go find a ball. Balls are for throwing. If you keep throwing the blocks I will put them away for today.”  “No biting!” ( Say this firmly, while putting your child down.)  I will move away if you are going to bite me. If you want to bite, you may bite this teether.”

5) Follow through with the limits each and every time (consistency). This is very important.

When you set a limit your child may resist, or express some angry or sad feelings. This is perfectly natural, and fine. Accept, name and acknowledge your child’s feelings, but calmly hold firm to the limit. Your child is entitled to express and have her feelings heard, but that doesn’t mean you have to meet her anger with anger, agree with her, or give in to him.

Help your child if necessary. Stay nearby and supervise closely if your child is prone to hitting his sister. “You are having a hard time remembering to keep the sand low in the box, so I’m going to ask you to leave the sandbox now. Can you do it yourself, or would you like some help?” “You are still throwing your food. I’m going to put it away now.” (You can also hand your toddler a cloth and ask her to help you clean up the  food that was dropped.) “You are still screaming. I’m going to ask you to go get all your screams out in the next room,” or “I can’t help you when you’re screaming.” “I’m going to put these hard toys away, and you can play with these balls and stuffed animals.” (In some cases, it may be necessary or helpful to make changes in your environment or routine that will make it easier for your child to remember and cooperate with the limits. For instance, it may be helpful to put away hard toys for awhile if your child is intent on throwing everything. Maybe providing a gated, safe play area for the baby will protect her from her brother when you can’t be right there to intervene. Maybe changes in the morning routine are needed to make it a less rushed, stressful time, or you can put aside some  special toys that come out just in the morning for your toddler to play with.)

Remember, the attitude with which you approach your child and the tone of voice  you use when setting a limit matters just as much as what you say. The goal is not to punish, but to teach. Children learn just as much (or more) from what we do, as they do from what we say. Magda Gerber always said, “What you teach is yourself.”  What do you think she meant by that?