discipline – Page 3 – Regarding Baby

The Role Of Nourishment, Rest, and Exercise In Toddler Discipline

Update: The fourth in a series of ten posts about gentle, effective ways to guide young children to become self disciplined.

A few words about exercise, rest, and nutrition, and their relationship to discipline.Whole books have been written on each of these topics, and while I don’t have time to write a book today, I want to offer some basic guidelines, and a few good resources for practical guidance. What I will say is this: Two of the most common causes of toddler temper tantrums and melt downs are not enough sleep, and/or hunger. Toddlers also have difficulty remaining co-operative and cheerful if they are cooped up for too long indoors, or don’t have enough opportunities to expend energy in positive ways though active play and exploration. Well rested and well nourished children who have predictable daily routines that include lots of active (outdoor if possible) play each day are generally happy, healthy, well behaved children. Daily rhythms, physical activity, good nutrition, and sleep are inter-related and interconnected. A child who spends lots of time running around outside in the fresh air will tend to have a better appetite, and sleep more soundly at night, as will a child who is not overstimulated or stressed by having to adapt to unpredictable changes in expectations or daily routines.

“RIE emphasizes the benefits of infants spending peaceful, uninterrupted time following their biological rhythms of falling asleep when sleepy and eating when hungry, rather than their having to adjust too soon to external schedules and unrealistic expectations. First, we have to let the child develop his own rhythm; and then later he can adjust more into adult life.” -Magda Gerber

A sleeping child is beautiful part 3 — Sleep

Of course, every child is different, and has varying needs for sleep, but toddlers generally need 10 -12 hours of sleep each night AND a 1-3 hour nap every day. It is worth the time and energy it takes to help your child establish good sleep habits early on. If your toddler doesn’t nap, don’t feel guilty about setting a kitchen timer for an hour, and putting him in his room with a few books and special (quiet) toys that are taken out only for rest time.You both need and deserve this down time, and you will find that your toddler quickly learns to look forward to, and enjoy her quiet time (almost) as much as you do.

Resources -Sleep: Ending Toddler Bedtime Battles

Richard (12m) eating an apple — Nutrition

Toddlers need to eat small amounts of nutritious food every two hours or so. Limit their intake of juice to no more than four ounces of 100 % pure, unsweetened fruit juice a day. Water will quench a toddler’s thirst far better than any other liquid, and won’t cause her to fill up on empty calories.

Your job as a parent is to offer nutritious foods at regular intervals throughout the day, and your child’s job is to decide how much he will eat. If he doesn’t eat well one day, he’ll make up for it the next, or the next. Try not to worry or engage in power struggles over food.

About “picky” eaters – who will only eat chicken nuggets or pizza, or whatever- ahem- YOU as a parent are in charge of the food you purchase, prepare and offer your child to eat. If you only provide fruits,vegetables, fish, yogurt, whole grains, and other healthy choices, this is what your child will learn to enjoy and eat. No two year old need ever know of the existence of chicken nuggets or french fries!

Resources Nutrition: Dr. Greene, White Out, Parenting To Prevent Childhood Obesity, and The Science Of Mom.

Try to get outside everyday-even if it’s only for fifteen minutes.(In New England, we often have winter weather that makes long periods of outdoor time almost impossible on some days.) The change of scene and fresh air are vital for your young child'(and for you!) Toddlers need lots of space to exercise their growing bodies.They also need the opportunity to burn off all their exuberant energy in a positive way. If you do nothing else, leave the stroller at home, and take a walk around your block or neighborhood- at your toddler’s pace, once every day – even in cold or rainy weather.

Resources: Outdoor Play: The Grass Stain Guru

Are you starting to see how all of these pieces work together to support your child in developing inner discipline? Tomorrow, I’ll talk about how to create a home environment that makes it easier for your toddler to co-operate.

It’s All Routine

“On a perfect day in your perfect little world (and it’s always perfect) there is breakfast time, playtime, lunchtime, nap time, snack time, dinnertime, bath time, story time, and bedtime. There is time for everything when you are the timekeeper.” Karen Maezen Miller from Momma Zen, Walking The Crooked Path of Motherhood

Update: This is the third post in a series of ten on gentle, effective ways to discipline children. Today’s post talks about the importance of establishing daily rhythms, rituals, and routines, in order to help your child know what to expect. In Dear Parent, Magda Gerber writes:

“Being exposed to circumstances we cannot anticipate nor understand, and in which we cannot actively participate, makes us feel helpless, like riding on a perpetual merry-go-round. Anticipating a change, on the other hand, gives us a feeling of being prepared, of being in control.”

Establishing consistent daily routines can go a long way in helping to make life with a toddler more joyful, and less harried. This does not mean instituting a rigid schedule of eating, sleeping, and activities, but rather, establishing a predictable sequence of events that happen in a particular order, so your child can know what to expect from day to day. Daily routines give toddlers a sense of control. As they come to know what to expect, they can begin to predict and anticipate ways in which they might participate.

Can you imagine what it would feel like if you had no say over your daily activities, and they changed from day to day without notice or warning ? How cheerful and co-operative do you think you could manage to be in such circumstances? What may be a nice break in routine and feel spontaneous for us as adults, is often confusing and disorienting for toddlers.

In fact, one of the best definitions I’ve ever heard regarding how to gauge if I was being consistent and slowing down enough to allow a young toddler to keep up with me is as follows: If you find yourself feeling slightly bored, or like everything about the day is moving in slow motion, there is a good chance you are going at the right pace for a toddler! Toddlers like routine- it’s why they ask us to read the same book or repeat the same game again and again.

Young children are oriented in present time, move at a slower pace than we do, and need more tarry time to process events or incoming stimuli. I can hear you asking, “What the heck is tarry time ?” Tarry time is simply the “silence between interactions” or the amount of time it takes for a child (or an adult for that matter) to process and respond to incoming information- what someone has just said, a change in body position, or a change in activity.

As adults, most of us are able to process and respond to incoming physical and verbal information very quickly (think of a nurse in an emergency room) but young children need a longer time to absorb and respond (to verbal requests especially) because everything is still so new to them. They are just figuring out how things work, and what words mean. Toddlers are not trying to manipulate adults when they don’t immediately react to a spoken request. (This is why it is so important to slow down, make sure you have your child’s attention, and not to over-talk a situation, or repeat yourself constantly.)

Here’s one of my favorite examples of tarry time: I was the site supervisor of a toddler childcare center for two years. Parents and their children passed right by my office door on their way in and out every day and often stopped to say good morning or goodnight. At the end of the day, Mom or Dad would often be carrying their little one, lugging all of their stuff, trying to sign out, and saying goodbye to me at the same time. Inevitably, the conversations I had with families were short at this time of day; parents and children were both tired and wanted to get home after a long day.

As parents alternately chatted with me and their children, while simultaneously trying to get out the door, they’d often say,”Wave bye- bye to Lisa. We’ll see her tomorrow. It’s time to go home. Why don’t you wave? You know how to wave bye- bye.”

Hardly ever did a child wave goodbye- at least not that the parent knew about! You see, there was a window just inside my office that I knew parent and child would pass by on their way to the car. I would move to that window just after a family exited the building, and ten times out of ten, the child would notice me and would wave goodbye. This was tarry time in action! Mom or Dad was already mentally preparing to deal with traffic on the way home, planning what to eat for dinner, hoping the plumber had showed up, etc., while the child was just processing the idea that it was time to say goodbye!

We give children a wonderful gift as well as foster the opportunity for mutual co-operation and communication, when we are able and willing to SLOW DOWN and wait for a child’s response. Establishing regular daily rhythms and routines further helps children learn to co-operate, because routines provide safety and structure, and children come to know what to expect and are thus able to predict and participate more fully in whatever is happening.

Do you find it easy or difficult to slow down, and to create predictable routines for your child? Do you enjoy any special daily rituals together?

Tomorrow: the importance of rest, exercise, and good nourishment!

A Toddler’s Point Of View

‎”Empathy works so well because it does not require a solution. It requires only understanding.” – John Medina

Update: This is the second post in a series of ten on gentle, effective ways to discipline young children. This post focuses on the importance of showing and expressing empathy for your child’s feelings (warmth), while setting and maintaining firm limits, and inviting your child’s participation in the task at hand. Magda Gerber said, “In the beginning we co-operate more with the baby, and slowly, we ask for more and more participation from them.” There is no doubt that the way we approach a child, what we say, and the way we say it has a huge impact on how our requests are received, and how willing and able our children are to co-operate.

I am going to ask you to take a moment to try and see the world the way a toddler might see it. Get down on your hands and knees, and take a look around. What do you see, what do you hear, how do you feel?

Toddlers are so small, yet they often have very big ideas and plans, but very little say over what happens to them, and when. Think about what it must feel like to be happily engaged in an activity, and then suddenly have someone tell you to hurry up, or that it’s time to stop and move on to something else. This happens quite often to a toddler throughout the day.

Toddlers are very oriented in present time and tend to become totally engrossed in whatever it is they are doing at the moment. They don’t carry around the same agendas and timetables in their heads that we do. They are not ignoring us, trying to manipulate us, or trying to drive us crazy when we call out from across the room that it is time to get dressed to go, and the only response we get is silence. They literally may not register what we are saying.

How to avoid frustration for both child and adult? Slow down, come close, get down to the child’s level, make eye contact, and take a minute to acknowledge what the child is doing. You might say, “I see you are busy building with your blocks, but in a few minutes it will be time to stop playing, put your blocks away, and get dressed.”

In another few minutes, go to her again, get down to her level, make sure you have her attention, and tell her, “It’s time to put your blocks away and get dressed now. I’ll get the bucket for the blocks. Will you help me by getting that one over there and putting it in the bucket?”

There isn’t a need to continue to repeat yourself or to become upset, because most children will co-operate readily if they are always treated in this respectful way. Again: take the time to connect with her and make sure you have her attention, acknowledge what she is doing, let her know what to expect, give her time to transition, request her participation, and involve her meaningfully in the next activity or task at hand.

These few paragraphs illustrate several of the basic tenets of respectful caregiving or parenting, and you can begin to practice communicating in this way with an infant who is just days old.

What if your child doesn’t co-operate, even if you are consistently following the above steps? What if she cries, runs away, or refuses to participate ? It happens sometimes!

First acknowledge her feelings-” I hear you crying, and saying “No!” It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having such a good time. You don’t want to put the blocks away and get dressed.” Full stop. Just let your words sink in, and listen while your child expresses her feelings. (Remember, listening and expressing empathy for a child’s point of view DOES NOT mean that you agree, or that you must give in- it just means allowing her to have and express her feelings, and letting her know you understand.)

In a few minutes, repeat your request. “I understand you don’t want to, but it is time to get dressed now. I will help you. What do we need to do first?” Continue to talk her through the process and ask for her participation. You can offer choices where appropriate-“Would you like to walk to your room, or do you want me to carry you?” No time outs, bribes, false praise, or comments on what a good or bad child she is.

If she participates in the process try saying thank you. If she doesn’t participate, acknowledge and move on. You might say something like, “This is hard for both of us right now. You don’t want to stop playing, but it is time. I will help you, and I’d like you to help me.” The more focused and calm you remain, the more likely it is your child will choose to co-operate.

If she can’t make a choice, you make one for her.

There may be times when it is helpful to back off and give a child a little space. The little boy I am caring for (now 32 months) has recently been going through a period where it has been extremely important for him to feel like he has a lot of choice in what will happen and when, even though he has a predictable daily routine, and long uninterrupted play times everyday. J. routinely and without fail balks at any transition (change from one activity to another) even if it is something like putting his shoes on to go outside, when he has asked to go out in the first place! His parents and I find that it works best for J. if we disengage from the struggle, and give him a few minutes to decide to come around on his own.

Here’s an example: We’re out in the back yard playing. It’s time to go inside and wash hands for dinner. J. knows this because we’ve given him a warning, but when we say it’s time to stop playing and close up the sandbox, he yells, “No, I don’t want to.” Instead of repeating the request, issuing an ultimatum, begging, cajoling, or entering into a contest of wills, which we know from experience will lead to a screaming tantrum, we tell J. that we are going to go inside, and wash our hands, and eat dinner together, and he may join us when he is ready. (Our yard is fenced in and safe, and we can see and hear J. from the kitchen windows.) Within minutes J. will call to us saying, “I ready now. I coming!” And he does. And there is much more peace at our home than there would otherwise be.

A special note about toddlers and running away: this is a favorite toddler game- it’s just plain fun for them, plus on an emotional level they want and need to know that you will come after them and find them! It is very reassuring to a newly mobile and independent child who is exploring more and more of her world outside of the safety of your arms and sight to know that you are paying attention!

So take the time to play hide and seek and chasing games any time your toddler initiates, and re-read The Run Away Bunny (by Margaret Wise Brown) with him, but be clear that you don’t want your toddler to run away when it’s time to do something together like get dressed, or walk from the car to play class.

Tomorrow: how creating consistent daily routines can help toddlers to co-operate more easily.

Helping Your Toddler To Learn To Co-Operate

The goal of discipline is to help children to gain control over their impulses and become cooperative members of their families first, and then, society. We want to raise children we not only love, but love being around. Magda Gerber

Update: This is the first in a series of ten posts I wrote in 2008, meant to answer the question: “What are effective, gentle ways to discipline young children without resorting to shaming, spanking, yelling, punishing, threatening, bribing, or using time out? I’m beginning with toddlers, because it happens to be the time that is often most challenging for parents, and the age I receive the most questions about, but the learning begins at birth, and many of the suggestions I make can be useful at any age.

BXP46603 — "Take my hand, and together, we'll find the way."

Thanks to Cathy O. for the question that inspired this post, and the next nine you will find here!

Cathy has a 15 month old daughter, is new to Magda Gerber’s philosophy of respectful parenting, and wants to know how she can help her budding toddler learn to co-operate. Everything is a bit of a struggle right now, with lots of tears and temper tantrums on both sides, and Cathy finds herself wondering where her sweet, easygoing baby went, and how to manage the many struggles that ensue throughout the day.Cathy finds herself frustrated and at a loss a lot of the time, and she finds herself falling back on techniques she swore she’d never use to discipline her child. Time out is not working- which doesn’t surprise me, because it almost never does, especially in the long run.

So, following (Note: this is a series of ten posts.) are my thoughts about what does work! Keep in mind that all of these ideas are like pieces of a puzzle that work together, and if you have a newborn, you can begin to implement this positive approach NOW, which will make things all that much easier as your baby grows into toddlerhood and beyond.

First, please know that there is no “magic” as suggested by one popular book (which I don’t recommend). Helping your child grow up to be a happy, healthy, independent, co-operative child and young adult is a process that begins at birth and doesn’t end until they are well into their teenage years.You are your child’s first and most important teachers, role models, and guides. In fact, it’s most likely that your children are taking cues and learning from your behavior, as much as from anything you say to them. With this idea in mind, you should also understand that your child will save her worst behavior for you and will test you and push you to your limits time and time again.

The good news is that this is actually desirable and healthy. Why is this so? Believe it or not, it’s because if you are responsive to your children and meet their basic needs, they come to love and trust you more than anyone else in the world. They count on your unconditional love, and trust that no matter how difficult things may become, you are the people who will always be there for them, always love them, and always try to do and give your best for them.

Understanding some basic developmental principles can help you to remain calm and supportive when parenting a young toddler. There is no time, except for maybe during your child’s teenage years, that can be more difficult and trying. Yet toddlers can be such a joy and delight to their parents and others because they are so alive, curious, playful,and interested in everything and everyone around them.

In fact, I am going to suggest that toddlers are MOST interested in learning about others and their feelings and reactions, at the same time they are trying to develop their own sense of self and independence. Hence, the many interpersonal conflicts and struggles that arise. Your toddler is newly interested in both how she can make things happen, and how different people react to her and the things she does. She doesn’t have a lot of experience in the world yet, and is just barely beginning to feel and express empathy, but can’t yet take another person’s point of view (perspective taking).

As an example, have you ever been sad or upset and had your toddler run to you and offer you her favorite blanket? She knows that when she’s upset, she wants her blankie, and it makes her feel better, so she reasons that you’ll feel better if she offers you her blanket, even if what would really make you feel better is a glass of wine, or ten minutes of peace and quiet!

It can be an exhausting time for you as a parent and yes, your child has the incredible energy and ability to continue to persevere in testing you and the limits you have set long after you have exhausted your reservoir of patience and sanity, but once again, this is normal and healthy!

It can help to think of your toddler as a social scientist, who has an unlimited amount of interest and energy to devote to investigating the boundaries of acceptable human behavior- because this is indeed what is happening. This is a necessary process for her to go through in order to develop self regulation (the ability to set limits for herself) friendships, an understanding of herself and others, and how to get along in the world.

My answer to maintaining your sanity while guiding your child through this process while helping her to learn to be reasonably cooperative (most of the time), does not involve counting, yelling, spanking, bribing, or time outs (for your child, anyway). Tomorrow: the power of empathy to transform resistance into co-operation.

Time Out

I realize it’s been awhile since I’ve written. Today, I want to share a few new resources with you.Let me preface these recommendations with just a little background, if I may.

I just returned from a wonderful weekend retreat at Kripalu Yoga Center in Lenox, MA. I danced, ate good food, spent time in the whirlpool, walked, met some amazing women , had the best seat in the world to view 4th of July fireworks, (as well as 3rd and 5th of July fireworks). engaged in soul searching, journaling, meditation, and yoga, and had more FUN than I can remember having in a long time.AND there’s no wine, or TV there. Evening entertainment consists of chanting- in another language! Internet and cell phone usage is very limited and restricted to certain areas.

I know to some of you what I just described does not sound like YOUR idea of fun, but if you are a Mom, or someone who cares for children on a regular basis, I bet you get it because when you’ve got children to attend to 24 hours a day, the mere idea of going to the bathroom to pee alone sounds like fun!

Anyway, this past weekend was all about self renewal and self care. I was reminded once again of the importance of slowing down and taking time for myself in order to have the energy and joy to continue to nurture the children and families I care for and try to inspire in my work.

I count myself as so lucky and blessed to be able to do (and get paid for! ) work that I love, have chosen, and that feeds and challenges me to grow every day. Yet, if I don’t periodically take time to renew my energy and resources, I find myself with less to give to the children and parents who count on me.

Which leads me to the point of this entry. Finally!

I’m not a big believer in time out for children, but I AM a big believer in time out for adults! So often, when adults send children to a chair for a time out, it is because WE are angry and frustrated, and don’t know what else to do. The child is just being a child.

About time out for children, Magda Gerber often said : “Time out from what? From life ? From learning ? Isn’t it better to stay in life and learn from whatever is happening?”.

Magda’s belief was that young children didn’t benefit much from time out because they lack the ability to sit and reflect on their actions, and if they did indeed possess the ability to self reflect and foresee consequences, they might not be acting like little monsters in the first place!

But children are children, and they need a lot of time and a lot of support from loving adults to become reasonably co-operative and socialized .In the meantime , the adults in their lives have to be patient, and be good role models. This is by no means an easy task on the best of days!

So we as adults, parents, and caregivers, have to take care of ourselves, and renew our reserves on a regular basis if we hope to be able to give our children the support they need.

I’m a big believer in reading, communicating,and sharing resources to help parents achieve their goal of finding ways to “fill up” in order to renew their reserves of energy, patience, and good humor, so that they might then have more to give to their children.

Unfortunately, there’s just so much junk that is pushed upon (marketed to) parents, that I often have a hard time coming up with resources that I can recommend whole heartedly.

Which is why I get so excited when I find resources I can recommend without reservation.

Today, I have two for you – both of which you can access on the web. Do yourself a favor and take a minute to log on to the following sites. I promise you won’t be sorry you did ! ( If you click on the web addresses below, you will go directly to the sites – but don’t forget to come back to Regarding Baby!)

First go to www.lifeorganizerbook.com, which is a web site designed by Jennifer Louden (my retreat leader this past weekend),and then go to www.dork-central.com.

The second site is the brainchild of Christena Frei , and is designed for children ages 9 – 13, but is SO cool,and so much fun, you’ll be glad you visited too ! Have fun and Enjoy !

Bossy

S., who usually loves to help, does not want to help clean up today. Instead she follows me from room to room chattering away as I clean up.

I’m almost done, when she dumps a pail of small plastic toys on the floor, and then walks away and starts playing with a ball.

Me- S. please come and pick up the toys you just dumped on the floor.

S.- no response

Me- S. did you hear me ? I want you to come and pick these toys up if you aren’t going to play with them.

S.- no response

So I walk over and gently take the ball from S., get down to her eye level and say- I will give your ball back as soon as you help me to pick up the big mess you just made.

S.-BIG Sigh- as she walks over and slowly starts picking up the toys.

S.- You know Lisa, you were just using a very bossy voice when you were talking to me.

Me- I’m sorry if that’s true S., but you were ignoring me…

S.- BIG Sigh- and then OK Lisa.

Me- OK S., thanks for helping.

S. is 2 years and 9 months old.

Moral of the story ? You tell me!

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