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On Crying and Fussiness

Fussy babies are either annoying or “poor little thing” depending on if they are related to you.

My friend Kaylia (proud Auntie) made this astute observation and posted it on Facebook the other day, which resulted in a number of interesting and (some) humorous comments.

It’s common and understandable that loving and caring adults (both parents and others) often react to a baby’s cries and/or fussiness in one of the above ways, depending on the circumstances. Underneath the expression of “poor little thing”, or the expression of irritation and perplexity, as the case may be, often exists the desire to soothe or “help” the baby in some way, in order to stop the crying, and make the baby feel better. But I don’t think it’s always possible or desirable to try to soothe or distract a crying or fussy baby.

My response to Kaylia’s observation:

Can’t help it. Let me offer another point of view regarding a fussy baby! When a baby is fussy or crying, I don’t think, “Annoying” OR “Poor little thing.” Instead, I wonder about what the baby might be trying to express, and I try to “listen” very closely to understand what she might be trying to say, in order to be able to respond to her in a helpful way. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to ease the fussing, and it’s just a matter of being present with a baby, and letting them know we hear them.

Little babies have feelings, and things to say, and can also have bad days,  just like us. We wouldn’t like to be responded to in a condescending or patronizing way if we were having a hard time, so why respond to a baby as if they are either completely helpless, and in need of rescuing or pity, or on the other hand, as if they are a bother because we are frustrated by not being able to understand their way of communicating, and are unable to make them stop fussing?

Maybe the best any of us can do for babies (or for each other) is to be willing to listen,  try to understand, and offer help IF we can. I wonder if parents and caregivers would feel less frustration as well, if they let go of the idea that it was somehow up to them to solve the problem for the baby, or make the baby happy?

Just some food for thought.Smile

Laughing Baby Video

Unless you’ve been hiding in a cave in Siberia, you’ve probably seen the video of an eight month old baby boy named Micah, who is laughing hysterically as his Dad repeatedly rips a job rejection letter into shreds. The video went viral after being tweeted by a pregnant Alyssa Milano with the tag line, “If this doesn’t make you smile, check your pulse.” The beautiful baby and his proud parents were even featured on the Today Show.  To date, the video has been viewed over 5.5 million times.

Many friends and family members have sent me the video, sure that I would love it, “because you love babies so much.” There’s no doubt that Micah’s laugh is delightful, but instead of loving the video, I feel uncomfortable every time I watch it. Why don’t I view this video as a lovely interaction between a baby and his Dad? To help me answer that question for you, I’m going to ask you to go back and watch the video again- but this time, turn the volume off first, and just watch the baby. Watch Micah’s eyes. Watch and see if you can tell what he’s interested in. Watch and see if, with no sound, you come away with the impression that the baby is being slightly manipulated, interrupted, or frustrated in his exploration and play.

 


This is what I see when I watch the video, and while it’s not awful, it’s illustrative of the way many adults interact with, and play with babies. It’s very common to see babies being entertained, or to see adults trying to elicit a response from a baby- usually a laugh. And when a baby laughs, we feel good, and think the baby must be happy too. In fact, if you google “laughing baby” literally hundreds of videos will pop up- many of them showing babies (s)trapped in some kind of chair, while an adult, who often remains out of sight, tears paper, or makes some kind of novel noise, eliciting peals of (sometimes hysterical) laughter from the baby.

In one of the videos, the baby’s laughter bordered on tears, as he strained with his entire body to reach for the paper, which his Mom held just out of his reach. Finally, after about three minutes, the Mom leaned in to kiss the baby, and said, ‘Good boy!’ before the video ended, almost as if the baby was completing a performance or test of some kind. This video made me a little sad. Babies shouldn’t have to perform for adults, yet that’s sometimes what we ask of them.

Before I studied with Magda Gerber, I know I sometimes played with babies in similar ways, missing the very subtle cues that would allow me to be more “in tune” with them, and follow their lead, instead of taking over and entertaining, or trying to coax a laugh. But once I got a glimpse of what was possible when babies were allowed to be the”writers, directors, and actors in their own play” (to quote Magda Gerber) there was no going back for me.

In my experience there is no sound more wonderful than that of a baby”s chortle of delight when her fancy is tickled by a new discovery or the invention of her own game, and there is nothing that beats the feeling of being invited into a game that a baby initiates. I’ve actually had the very rare treat of being present when a baby “discovered” and  “invented” the game of peek- a- boo for the first time- all on her own- without ever having first been introduced to the game by an adult. Talk about a priceless gift. I wish I had that on video to share with you!

It’s amazing to realize that if we just give babies time and space, if we follow their lead, they will invent their own games and sometimes invite us to play along. When we respect and trust our babies enough, we can slow down, and tune in to their cues. In this way, we may discover that we don’t have to work so hard to entertain, nor do we have to teach, but we can instead relax, enter, and share the baby’s world a little bit, as he discovers it on his own terms.

Trust me when I say it is a truly magical, delightful experience. Besides communicating trust and respect, when we refrain from entertaining, our babies don’t become hooked on, or look for constant stimulation in order to enjoy playing. In this way we protect their ability to discover and invent their own games.

For a short, beautiful, and insightful description by a  new Mom reflecting on her baby’s play, (Pikler/Gerber style) please see Nadine Hillmar’s recent blog post, ‘I play. You watch.’ Nadine’s post has served as my antidote to the “Laughing Baby” video, and my hope is that by sharing it with you, you might be able to see another way to approach play with a young child, one that might be a little different from what is considered the norm, yet one that offers the possibility of discovering the joy of entering a young child’s world on her terms…

What do do think?

 

“Maybe She Was Just Practicing”

We were all at the dinner table the other night, when the conversation turned to the subject of “truth telling.” S. who is now 5 years old, has been known to experiment with stretching the truth a bit at times in recent months, which prompted her Dad to tell her the story of “The Little Shepherd Girl Who Cried Wolf.” Now, her Dad asked her if she remembered the story, and if she could tell us what happened. S. said “Well, the little shepherd girl kept calling “Wolf” when there wasn’t really a wolf, and then when there really was a wolf, and she called for help, no-one believed her, and no-one came to help, and that was big trouble for the sheep.” S. was quiet for a moment, and her Dad asked what she thought the story meant. Without missing a beat, S. replied, “Well, I think maybe the shepherd girl was just practicing.” I love this child, and the way she thinks!

What Does Twitter Have To Do With Babies?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been slow to embrace social media. Until three weeks ago, I never had a facebook page for my business, and I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of jumping on the twitter bandwagon. I just couldn’t see the point.

And then something happened that changed my mind, and turned my way of thinking upside down.The organization called RIE, founded by my mentor Magda Gerber, received some attention in the press. First, there was an article in The Daily Beast, which was copied, and spread like wildfire across the Internet, and then Lisa Belkin, of the New York Times, wrote about RIE in her well known, well respected, and well read blog, The Motherlode.

I will not be supplying the links to those articles here, because I refuse to be a part of spreading the snarky, inaccurate portrayal of Magda Gerber’s philosophy as presented in those articles. If you are interested in reading a thoughtful response to those articles, I will instead refer you to Janet Lansbury’s post, RIE Parenting, A Culture Of Creativity.

The response by the general public to the original articles was largely negative, and I found myself feeling helpless, and incensed that Magda’s words and work were being so misunderstood, and presented and judged in such a negative light, because I am passionate about carrying her message of respect for babies to as many people as possible. I have witnessed the power Magda’s approach has to make a profound positive difference in the lives of not only children, but adults as well.

It occurred to me that the reason Magda’s ideas are so little known, and even less well understood, is not just because they are a little different from the accepted norm, but because they haven’t been presented to the wider world in a way that others could hear, accept, and understand. When Magda was first introducing her philosophy to parents and early childhood professionals in the United States, beginning in 1978, the Internet and social media didn’t exist. (OK, the Internet existed, but we weren’t all on-line 24 hours a day.) The first inquiries that came to Magda came in the mail, in the form of handwritten notes (can you imagine?) and she responded on a typewriter.

Some say that Magda wasn’t ambitious, and was content to let RIE grow slowly and to remain a small organization, and to some extent that was true,  yet I see evidence everywhere that she was a one woman dynamo, passionate about enrolling others in the cause of “Seeing Infants With New Eyes.” Magda maintained an impressive schedule of teaching and speaking, traveling far and wide to bring her message to parents and professionals everywhere, in addition to writing a monthly newsletter, authoring three books, producing four videos, and a yearly conference for parents and teachers, to boot. She did this with the assistance of a part-time secretary, and a troop of dedicated volunteers.

Magda was fond of saying ” the message is the messenger,” (or vice- versa) and she was the embodiment of the message she was trying to convey to others. A person could not be in her presence without feeling deeply listened to, and appreciated. I vividly remember one time when she entered a baby/parent class that I was teaching. One of the little babies was crying inconsolably. Magda approached slowly, and sat quietly near the baby, and waited. After a few minutes, she talked to the baby in a quiet voice. The baby stopped crying, and gazed into Magda’s eyes, and in a few minutes she was smiling and cooing. Babies often responded to Magda’s presence in this way. It was magical to witness, yet there was no magic involved. Magda had the ability to be truly still, and fully present with babies and grown -ups alike, and it made a difference.

I feel like today more than ever before, families and professionals working with families, need to know about, and can benefit from understanding Magda Gerber’s ideas about babies, even if they don’t agree with them, or choose another way to parent or care. Magda was never invested in having people agree with her; instead she wanted to start conversations. She wanted to encourage people to think about babies in a different way. She never espoused her way as being the one way, only way, or right way to parent or care.

It occurs to me Magda was a social media maven in her own right, before there was twitter or facebook. Imagine the number of people she could reach with her message today if she was here to engage on-line. I can’t help but believe she just might take advantage of twitter and facebook to reach a larger audience if she was here with us today.

Times change, and the way we communicate with and bring our message to others has to change with the times. And so, I am now entering the world of social media via twitter, and facebook in hopes of taking a small part in bringing Magda Gerber’s ideas to a broader audience.

Because I am a teacher at heart, I can’t help but want to share my experience and thoughts about what I have learned (so far) about using twitter effectively to bring a message to a wider audience. I’ve discovered some interesting connections between engaging in, and building relationships on-line and engaging in, and building relationships off- line. Tomorrow, I’d like to share more on that topic. I’d love it if you’d join me in the conversation.

To be continued…. http://www.bitrebels.com/geek/10-tips-to-build-meaningful-relationships-on-twitter/

I Don’t Want To Yell, I Say- Guest Post by Clara

“I don’t want to yell.”

I take a deep breath and look into his eyes. They are blue, bright blue, and red, bloodshot red, from the crying.

“It’s just that…”

…are you apologizing or not?
…yes, but I want to explain
…he knows why you’re mad. He wants you to stop.
…then he should stop doing things that make me mad!
…he wants to see how far he can push you, whether you’ll still love him, whether you’ll lose control.
…obviously!
…so who cares why you’re mad? It’s irrelevant.
…I have to explain myself. I have to explain why!
…no you don’t. You don’t. He is not an adult. He is a child. The information he needs is simple. He doesn’t need to know any of this. You talk too much. You think too much. You talk about what you think and think about what you say, too much.

“I’m sorry.I know you’re scared.
I will try to yell less.
I love you.”

He smiles.
“OK.”

We start again.

 Hands

The above words were penned by Clara, who hails from Canada. Clara is a writer, and a mother to two boys, ages two and four. You can find her and read more of her very wonderful writing at The Cheeseblog .

I am so grateful to Clara for granting me permission to reprint her thoughts here. I came across this post unexpectedly, and was moved to tears by the honest expression of Clara’s struggle as she tried to find a way to re-connect with her son after having lost her patience with him.

No matter how much you love them, or what your intentions are, it can sometimes be impossible to remain calm and patient when caring for your young children. As a parent, you will make mistakes. You will not be perfect. There will be times when your words or actions may cause hurt. You can count on those things, because making mistakes is part of being human.

The good news is this: perfection is not required or necessary in order to be a good, and loving parent and role model. What is required is a willingness to be honest, say you made a mistake, apologize (briefly!) and be willing to start again.

There will be times during your parenting journey when a break occurs in your relationship with your child, but if you are committed to trying again, you can find a way to build a bridge back to your child, and you may be surprised to find him waiting right there to meet you half way.

What A Toddler Knows: There Are No Mistakes

Last week as I listened to my business coaching call, I found myself rushing to scribble down some words of wisdom that particularly spoke to me. Ryan was talking about the fact that all highly successful business people and leaders have some traits in common: namely that they are unafraid to take bold action, and they see taking imperfect action as better than taking no action at all.

Successful people don’t view mistakes as failure, but rather as information and learning opportunities.There is an element of playfulness to their approach, and a willingness to keep moving forward in the face of obstacles.

For some reason, this made me think of J., probably because at 21 months of age, he is the embodiment of these principles in action. Have you ever noticed that toddlers seem to approach most everything in life with gusto? They just live full out, and go for what they want. They don’t let inexperience or lack of knowing how stop them. They may encounter obstacles along the way, and they may literally run into walls and experience frustration, but most of the time they don’t give up. The difference between a lot of adults and most toddlers is that adults have often forgotten what they used to know as young children- which is that mistakes don’t equal failure.

Let me paint you a word picture that illustrates: J. literally spent hours last week trying to conquer climbing up onto the coach by himself, which is no small feat for someone who is barely taller than the 18 inches he had to scale to make it up on his own.

Now, what was interesting to me was that this was a self chosen challenge, and one he could have achieved easily by moving his small plastic step stool close to the couch and using it as a tool to boost him up, which he knows how to do, and had done many times before.Nope, that would be far too easy. He wanted a new challenge.

So I stood patiently by, and refrained from giving direction, suggestions, or a hand up, while he struggled valiantly to figure out how to conquer the climb up to the coach. He tried several techniques that just didn’t work. There was a lot of grunting, and sometimes he stopped and turned to me to complain. I acknowledged that he seemed to be working hard, and that it wasn’t easy. This seemed to be all he needed to carry on.

Eventually, he achieved his goal. I wish you could have seen the look of joy in his eyes when he turned to me with a big grin, as if to say, “Look, I did it.” Was he content to have achieved his goal? Yes, but he wasn’t content to rest on his laurels. No sooner had I returned his smile than he went scrabbling down to try again, and again, and again, and again, and…. until he had perfected his technique. I could only marvel at his determination and perseverance.

This is why I love being in the company of toddlers. My wish for J. is that he will always be so self motivated and persistent and take such pleasure in his learning. And my wish for myself and any adult that may have forgotten that mistakes are just opportunities to try again, is that we always have a toddler around to remind us of this truth!

Can’t Get No Respect

S. recently started kindergarten, and her brother and I walk to school to pick her up every day. One day this week, as I was pushing J. in his stroller up the rather steep hill to S.’s classroom, a Dad of one of S.’s playmates caught up with me and asked, “So is this what you expected? Is this what you wanted to do with your life? Did you say to yourself, ‘I want to spend my life pushing someone else’s baby stroller up the hill.’ ?”

Let me tell you, it was a good thing for him that the hill was steep, I was walking at a good clip, and I was slightly out of breath, otherwise he might have really gotten a piece of my mind. As it was, I simply said, ” You know, I have a degree in Education, and I’ve worked in a number of positions in the field over the years, but this is what I most enjoy doing, and I’m lucky to work with a family that really appreciates me and treats me well. So yeah, this is exactly what I want to be doing with my life.” That seemed to quiet him down.

Aside from the fact that I could never imagine being so rude to someone I barely knew, what upset me so much about this question is the underlying assumption and judgement that the work I am doing is somehow “less than”. I don’t know how else to describe this attitude, but I’ve encountered it often throughout my years working in the field of early childhood education.

I’ve bumped up against it when my salary as a toddler teacher was about half the salary of that of an elementary school teacher, and again when I worked as a nanny for another family earning $10.00 an hour, no benefits, while the housekeeper was paid $25.00 an hour.

Another manifestation of this attitude occurs at dinner parties with other professionals when I answer that I am a nanny in response to the ubiquitous question, “What do you do for work?” Many times the response from others is something along the lines of, “Oh that sounds like so much fun. You get paid to play all day.” (Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my work, but in no way would I describe what I do as “getting paid to play all day.”)

Once I dated a lawyer who said he really enjoyed reading professional journals and keeping up with the changes and nuances of law. I replied that I understood, because I also found it fascinating to keep up with the current reading and research in my field of work. He countered by asking what reading could possibly be associated with my”field.” “After all, you pretty much just change diapers all day, right?” ( By the way, this man was also a father.)

Needless to say, that was the end of our (very brief) relationship, but not before I took the opportunity to try to educate him a bit about what my work really entails.

When I was younger, I often felt insecure in situations such as the ones I described above, and I sometimes felt the need to “defend” myself and my choices by informing others of the full extent of my education and experience.

These days, I’m not lacking in confidence, and I don’t feel I need to defend or explain my choice of work, but I still feel the need to challenge the assumption that caring for young children is somehow a less worthy, or less important choice of occupation than any other.

This is not just a rant about the lack of esteem with which others sometimes regard my profession. The reason I am so passionate about raising awareness and sensitivity around this issue is because I see myself as an advocate for babies, toddlers, and their families, and all too often the attitudes I have encountered in response to my chosen field of work represent a microcosm of the prevailing attitudes in our society towards children and mothering.

I am aware that even today, women who choose to stay home with their young children are often judged in the way I am describing. Also, in my opinion, the fact that women with young children who are on public assistance are required to be enrolled in school, a work training program, or employed outside the home despite the fact that they often don’t have access to quality, affordable childcare, is a travesty. If we valued children in our society, don’t you think this would be different?

Lip service is often paid to the importance of nurturing, mothering, and protecting the youngest and most vulnerable members of our society, and yet everywhere I look, I see evidence that points to the fact that our priorities as a nation are not in line with our stated beliefs.

Isn’t it about time that babies and those who nurture, protect, and teach them are given a little respect? Babies are more than cute, and caring for them involves so much more than just attending to their physical needs. Magda Gerber taught that the way in which adults approach caring can make all the difference in terms of supporting a baby’s optimal growth and development. Those involved in caring for and nurturing babies are involved in the most amazing, most important work in the world. I can’t help but wonder what it might look and feel like to live in a world where the needs of children are truly valued and put first, and families receive all the support they need in order to nurture their babies. Isn’t that a world you’d like to live in too?

NO Tummy Time Necessary

Allowing babies to move freely, according to their own inner schedules and dictates,  is a hallmark of Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy. When babies are allowed to develop naturally, in their own time and their own way, they learn to move with ease and grace. They tend to have excellent body awareness and posture, and a good sense of where their bodies are in space.

Allowing a baby’s gross motor development to unfold naturally means avoiding placing babies into positions they can’t get into or out of on their own. Ideally, young babies are set on their back not just for sleep, but for playtime as well, because this is the position that most supports their bodies, and in which they are most relaxed and free to move. What this means is no tummy time for babies until they spontaneously begin to roll first to their sides, and then unto their tummies. It means not pulling or propping a baby with pillows into a sitting position until he can move into this position on his own. It means avoiding all baby “containers” like bouncy seats, exersaucers, and baby swings, and using car seats judiciously. It means not lifting a toddler onto a piece of play equipment, like a slide, that she can’t yet scale herself.

There are many advantages for babies who are allowed to develop their ability to move on their own without adult assistance or interference. For instance, they are safer and less likely to fall from playground equipment and injure themselves, because they develop good judgment. As Magda Gerber said, “If they can climb up by themselves, we can trust that they can climb down safely.” (For an excellent description of how children learn to sense where their bodies are in space, see: Learning to “Sense” Space: Why Kids May Fall Out of Bed,  at Moving Smart.)

It turns out nature has a plan, and it’s a good one. All children develop gross motor skills in the same sequence, and all that varies is the timing. If children are given the opportunity to practice moving freely, they will be in tune with and strengthen their ability to listen to their own body wisdom. At every stage, in every way, they will be doing exactly what they need to do to prepare themselves to achieve the next milestone. Their gross motor abilities will unfold before our eyes- no adult help or intervention necessary. They will not attempt to use equipment or take risks that they are not yet ready for.

When we place babies in positions that they are not yet able to achieve on their own, we may put them at risk of injury, of developing poor co-ordination and posture, and equally importantly, we risk cutting off their inner agenda, and their self initiated exploration. There are recent studies that show that babies placed in baby walkers and exersaucers, actually develop their ability to walk at a later date than babies who have not been exposed to such devices.

Magda suggested that babies know best how to be babies, and there are just some things we should not rush. The message babies might get when we “help” them, by pulling them to sitting before they can do it on their own for instance, might be this one: “I don’t value and appreciate what you can do, but I expect you to do what you can not yet do.” Is this the message we want our babies to get? What implications do you think this has for a baby’s developing sense of self, his ability to learn, or her ability to trust herself?

Another thing to consider is that when we put babies into positions that they can’t yet achieve on their own, we make them dependent on us, because they have limited mobility, and are stuck until we come to rescue them.

Most young babies are very uncomfortable, and loudly protest when they are placed on their tummies to “play”. They can’t yet lift their heads or hold them up for very long, so they can’t see much. The ways in which they can move their arms and legs are limited. All they can do is learn to endure the discomfort they feel, or cry, and hope someone will come to move them into a more comfortable position.

I learned from infant specialist Magda Gerber, who learned from her friend and mentor, Hungarian pediatrician Emmi Pikler, who learned from carefully observing and documenting the development of hundreds of babies over many years.

And if seeing is believing, all you need to do is watch this short video montage of baby Liv, which follows her development throughout her first year. This four-minute video, produced by Irene Gutteridge, as part of a project called The Next 25 Years speaks volumes about how babies learn to move easefully and gracefully, from back to side, to tummy, and back again. Just look at Liv’s face when she achieves her goal of turning onto her tummy. Priceless!

Changes Afoot

I haven’t been blogging often as of late, since I’ve been busy working with a web designer to give the web site a much needed and long overdue re-design. The goal is to debut a more visually appealing, much more user friendly site, packed with useful resources and inspiration to support families and others who are interested in learning more about what Magda Gerber’s respectful approach to being with babies might have to offer.

I can’t wait to have the tools that will allow for more interaction and discussion among all of us! As it stands now with the current site, this is a cumbersome process.

Besides working to update the site, I’m gearing up to start a weekly Saturday class locally in Santa Cruz, and I’ve been working with a business coach to guide me through this process in an intelligent way. Who knew starting a small business isn’t as easy as hanging out a shingle?

To be honest, I did know, but I didn’t anticipate what a feat it would be trying to accomplish this task while caring for and providing full time support for a family with two small children. Having the support and guidance of my brilliant business coach Ryan Eliason (at www.ryaneliason.com) has made all the difference in terms of helping to keep me sane and on task.

I am trying to be patient with the process, and the time it takes to make and build connections in a new community. This isn’t always easy for me, but is good practice for being with babies, because being with them requires the same kind of willingness to be patient, go slowly, and wait for growth and progress to manifest in it’s own good time. It helps me to frame it this way anyway, when I am feeling impatient, and want to see results yesterday!

I’ve had the pleasure of providing private consultations and workshops to a small number of local families this past year, and I will be speaking to a number of local parent groups in the near future as well.

I have also been busy reading and commenting on other people’s blogs. Anyone who knows me even a little, or has read my blog, knows that I am a voracious reader. I read to learn, for enjoyment, for answers to questions, for inspiration, to be challenged. I need to read like I need to breathe. And I love reading blogs, because not only does doing so provide all of the things books provide, but blogs also provide the opportunity for discussion and debate, which is something else I value highly and enjoy immensely.

I’d like to share links to some of my favorite sites, the ones I find inspiring and helpful in my work with children and families, and I would love, love, love, to hear from you about your favorites.

Here’s where you can find me: www.janetlansbury.com. Janet Lansbury is a mother, and a RIE parent educator. Magda Gerber was her dear friend and mentor. elevating childcare is her on-line resource for parents, and she’s just added a community forum as well. This is the blog I wish I could write!

Kathleen is a mom who wants to participate in conversation about politics, the environment, food, wine, and parenting- when she has a moment 2 think. She’s at amoment2think.wordpress.com/.

Parenting Science bills itself as a site for the thinking parent. They can be found at parentingscience.com . They examine the science of parenting and child development. Because inquiring minds want to know!

The following sites are of particular interest to me as well, as they resonate with deeply held beliefs and values: In Praise of Slowness at carlhonore.com. Carl Honore has been called the father of the Slow Movement. He says the slow movement is not about doing everything at a snail’s pace, but about doing everything at the right pace.

Simplicity parenting at simplicityparenting.com. Simplicity parenting focuses on using the power of less to raise calmer, happier, more secure children.

Last but not at all least, Campaign For A Commercial Free Childhood (the little non-profit that could!). CCFC works to counter the harmful effects of marketing to children through action, advocacy, education, and research. Find them at commercialexploitation.org.

Happy reading, and conversing!

Listening

The following are quotes from Joyce Maynard’s novel Labor Day about what babies know, and what they need, and how we might listen to, and be with them. I found these passages to be inspiring and wise, and wanted to share them here:

One thing he would tell me, though, he said, had to do with babies.Not that he was any kind of expert, but for a brief while, long ago, he had cared for his son, and that experienece more than any other had taught him the importance of following your instincts. Tuning in to the situation with all your five senses, and your body, not your brain.A baby cries in the night, and you go to pick him up. Maybe he’s screaming so hard his face is the color of a radish, or he’s gasping for breath, he’s got himself so worked up. What are you going to do, take a book off the shelf , and read what some expert has to say?

You lay your hand against his skin and just rub his back.Blow into his ear. Press the baby up against your own skin and walk outside with him, where the night wind will surround him, and moonlight fall on his face. Whistle, maybe.Dance. Hum. Pray.

Sometimes a cool breeze might be just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes a warm hand on the belly.Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is the best. You have to pay attention. Slow things way down. Tune out the rest of the world that doesn’t really matter. Feel what the moment calls for.

What I have found is that a baby-though she doesn’t know words yet, or information, or the rules of life- is the most reliable judge of feelings. All a baby has with which to take in the world are her five senses.

…And it has been my experience when you do this-slow down, pay attention, follow the simple instincts of love- a person is likely to respond favorably. It is generally true of babies, and most other people too, perhaps.Also dogs. Hamsters even.And people so damaged by life in the world that there might seem no hope for them, only there may be.