Blog – Page 8 – Regarding Baby

Roughhousing- Is This A Good Way To Play?

Hands of Love In “Peaceful Babies—Contented Mothers,” pediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler asks us to consider the importance of the touch of our hands.

Hands continue the infant’s first connection to the world (outside of nursing). Hands pick her up, lay her down, wash and dress and maybe even feed her. How different it can be, what a different picture of the world an infant receives when quiet, patient, careful yet secure and resolute hands take care of her—and how different the world seems when hands are impatient, rough or hasty, unquiet and nervous. In the beginning, hands are everything for an infant. The hands are the person, the world. The way we touch a child, lift and dress her is “us” more precisely, more characteristically than even our words, or smile, or glance. If, from the start, we handle an infant peacefully, patiently, and carefully, she will discover ever more joy in these activities, learning at the same time to trust us more and more and to take an increasing part in our work.

To me, this begs the question: Should tickling, play wrestling, tossing a baby into the air, swinging a toddler by the arms, pillow fights- all activities otherwise known as roughhousing- have a place in the relationship between an adult and young child? Many Dads routinely engage in this kind of play with their children, and will tell you it is harmless fun, enjoyable for both adult and child, and that it is the way children naturally play. If you observe young animals at play, you will often see them tumbling together, and “play fighting.”

In fact, Dr. Larry Cohen, author of The Playful Parent, and co-author of the new book, The Art of Roughhousing, contends that roughhousing is actually beneficial for both children and parents in many ways:

“Roughhousing activates many different parts of the body and the brain, from the amygdalae, which process emotions, and the cerebellum, which handles complex motor skills, to the prefrontal cortex, which makes high-level judgments. The result is that every roughhousing playtime is beneficial for body and brain as well as for the loftiest levels of the human spirit: social awareness, cooperation, fairness, and altruism.”

In an interview with Megan Rosker (Let Children Play) Dr. Cohen says:

“I think that good quality roughhousing will make it more likely for a child to be kind and cooperative towards others, to be a good partner and parent, and to care about the community. The reason I believe this is that good roughhousing builds closer parent-child bonds, promotes confidence and empowerment, and solves family problems and behavior problems that can interfere with the child’s unfolding development.”

Roseann Murphy of Little River School had this to say about roughhousing, in response to an article detailing Why Dads Should Roughhouse With Their Kids :

“There are many different views when it comes to “roughhousing” Things I have observed over the years include…what looks like fun to the adult is not “fun” for the child. Tickling is an area of roughhousing that has to be handled with dignity and respect. “Play hitting or boxing” can cause some issues at school. If it is OK to hit Dad, why can’t I “play hit” my pal? Great area for conversation.”

There is always a size and power differential when adults are roughhousing with children, and I think it’s too easy for adults to miss the subtle cues very young children give, thus making it easy to cross the line from reciprocal to hurtful. Not to mention that young children are just learning about their own bodies, and their physical and emotional boundaries, and even when they may be begging for “more”, they might have had enough, or be vulnerable to injury.

Engaging in such vigorous adult/child play may not be offering a good model for children. If we want children to learn to respect their bodies, to be gentle and non-violent, and to respect other people’s bodies, shouldn’t we be modeling this gentleness at all times? I tend to think the younger the child, the more need for care and caution on the part of the adult.

Whenever I think of this kind of very physical play between parents and children, my mind flashes to an image of a video I first viewed when I was a student at RIE. In the video, a male adult is lifting a baby overhead again and again, while the camera shakes and blurs, representing what the baby might be seeing and experiencing.

A more recent image also comes to mind. J.’s Mom, Dad, and I, were walking home from his sister’s school dance performance. J. (age 27 months) was walking between his parents, and they were each holding one of his hands. J. used his parent”s hands to gain leverage to swing himself a little bit between them, and they responded by lifting and swinging him higher. Each time they stopped, J. would beg, “Again? Again?” J. was laughing and clearly enjoying himself. Suddenly, laughter turned to tears as he yelped in pain, and couldn’t be comforted. I immediately suspected a dislocated shoulder, as I’ve seen this type of injury more often than I would like to remember, over many years of caring for children. (An experienced pediatrician can pop the shoulder back into place, quickly relieving the pain.)

J. actually had what is referred to as nursemaid’s elbow. His arm was hanging at an odd angle, he was holding it close to his body, and it was immobile. It took two trips to the doctor that day to pop J.’s elbow back into place, because his regular pediatrician wasn’t available to see him the first time, and the younger, less experienced doctor thought she had fixed the problem, but hadn’t. Needless to say, this was a traumatic day for both J. and his parents (who are among the most gentle, kind people I know). They were responding to J.’s request for this vigorous play, and felt horrible that they had inadvertently hurt him and caused him pain.

Some children seem to enjoy roughhousing with siblings or peers, and I think if all the children involved are having fun, and no one is getting hurt, this kind of play can be OK sometimes. (Many parents, especially Moms, are very uncomfortable allowing or witnessing this type of play fighting among children.)

Still, I wonder if it might be healthier for adults to offer children alternative ways to expend the energy and emotions that often lead to the desire to “tussle” with others. For instance, children can push, pull, carry, or punch sandbags, roll around on the floor with pillows, play chase, and tumble down hills. These activities are what Frances M. Carlson calls Big Body Play.

In her book, Carlson (like Cohen) argues that “boisterous, vigorous, and very physical play is essential to children’s development and learning.” She advocates including this type of play in all early childhood settings from infancy on, but as she presents it, the adult’s role is not to engage in rough play with children, so much as it is to create and allow opportunities for children to engage in such play with other children. The adult’s role becomes one of facilitator, instead of direct participant.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this somewhat controversial issue. Do you think parents should roughhouse with their children? If so, when, how, and at what age should this kind of play occur? What benefits and drawbacks do you see to rough and tumble play between children and adults? Do you see the need for more opportunities for children to engage in very physical play with each other, or do you think adults should insist that children play “nicely”, or gently with each other at all times? Tell me what you think!

Myth Busting- Babies and Depression

Baby sad.

Today is National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day, so I thought it might be appropriate to do some myth-busting around babies and mental health issues:

Myth: Infants and Toddlers aren’t at risk for developing mental health problems such as depression.

Fact: In February of this year, the American Psychological Association published research indicating that infants and toddlers can suffer serious mental health disorders, such as depression, yet they are unlikely to receive treatment that could prevent lasting problems.

Myth: Young children are naturally resilient, and usually grow out of behavioral problems and emotional difficulties.

Fact: According to Joy D. Osofsky, Ph.D., of Louisiana State University, and Alicia F. Lieberman, Ph.D., of the University of California, San Francisco, “Mental health risks to infants are magnified by the fact that “the youngest children, from birth to age 5, suffer disproportionately high rates of maltreatment with long-term consequences for mental and physical health, but pediatric health and child care providers seldom identify or refer children under 5 years old to mental health services.”

Myth: Infants cannot have mental health problems “because they lack a mental life.”

Fact: Even young infants can react to the meaning of others’ intentions and emotions because they have their own rudimentary intentions and motivating emotions, according to an article by Ed Tronick, Ph.D., of the University of Massachusetts, Boston, and Marjorie Beeghly, Ph.D., of Wayne State University.

Myth: Trauma is the main cause of mental illness in babies and toddlers.

Fact: The everyday life and ongoing interactions between infants and parents or other caregivers, has a huge impact on the development of mental health issues in babies because, “Infants make meaning about themselves and their relation to the world of people and things, and when that “meaning-making” goes wrong, it can lead to the development of mental health problems. Some infants may come to make meaning of themselves as helpless and hopeless and may become apathetic, depressed, and withdrawn. Others seem to feel threatened by the world and may become hyper-vigilant and anxious. Apparent sadness, anger, withdrawal, and disengagement can occur “when infants have difficulty gaining meaning in the context of relationships.” (Tronick and Beeghly)

In recent years, there has been a huge focus on understanding and optimizing the development of children, but often the emphasis is on developing their cognitive (thinking or reasoning) skills. While strong cognitive abilities are necessary for academic success, there is a growing awareness of how crucial it is for young children to develop social–emotional competence in order for them to thrive in school and in life.

Awareness and education are the keys to making a positive difference in the lives of all young children. It is imperative that both parents and caregivers be aware of the need, and learn strategies for fostering the nurturing adult–child relationships that lead to social competence, mental health, and resilience in young children.

Magda Gerber’s approach to child care nurtures the development of resilient, emotionally healthy babies, and their ability to develop social competence through mutual respect, trust, and acceptance. It is “like preventative medicine, and it’s therapeutic for both parent and child.”

This year, the 22 Annual RIE Infant/Toddler Conference to be held on Saturday, May 14, 2011, in Los Angeles, will feature a keynote address by Alicia F. Lieberman Ph.D., entitled “Helping Young Children Cope with Stress and Trauma.”

Please see Amy Webb’s post at The Thoughtful Parent for further information and reading about National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day.

The best gift

Little Things

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
— Antonio Smith

Today was a gorgeous, warm spring day, and J. begged to go out back to play after weeks of being cooped up indoors due to lots of rain. I sat nearby and watched as J. (who is now two years and two months old) played in his water table. I was treated to a view of the world through his eyes, as time seemed to slow down, and I found myself noticing and appreciating the smallest details. J. was completely absorbed in the activity of scooping up a cup of a water, pouring it into a funnel, and watching the water stream out the other end. He repeated this sequence of events again and again.

At one point, he picked up a golf ball, and dropped it into the top of the funnel, and then looked at the bottom of the funnel expectantly. When the ball didn’t come out the bottom, he looked over at me with a slightly perplexed expression, and shrugged his shoulders.

He then poured another cup of water into the funnel, and grinned when it came out the bottom of the funnel, but dripping instead of flowing, because the ball was partially blocking the flow of the water.

As he was experimenting like this, a plane flew overhead. Planes are of great interest to J., likely because he‘s been on one several times to visit his Nanny, and also because his Nanny is coming to visit him again soon, and we’ve been talking with him about her visit. Usually he yells, “Plane! Nanny?”, and waves when he sees one.

Today J. looked up, pointed to the plane and said “Plane.” I responded, “Yes, I see the plane too!” He nodded, and went back to scooping and pouring water, with the words, “Plane.One.” A few minutes later, another plane flew overhead. J. again excitedly located and pointed to the plane, shouting, “Plane! Two!” I acknowledged, “Yes there is another plane!”

Well, wouldn’t you know, not five minutes later, another plane passed overhead ? J. couldn’t contain his excitement or delight. His whole body seemed to reach to the sky to point out what to him amounted to the eighth wonder of the world. “Plane! Many!” he declared, at full volume. I smiled a big smile. “Can you believe it, three planes in a row?” Yup, planes, many!

Ouch! Baby Bites While Nursing

I had a question today from a young Mom asking if I could guide her to some information about gentle and effective ways to respond to her baby who has started biting while breastfeeding.

Kathy first posed her question on a discussion board, which led to a lively discussion with conflicting opinions about what she should do, (none of which felt quite right to her) including the suggestion that she should “flick” her baby’s nose so the baby would learn to associate the pain with the biting, and therefore be less likely to bite in the future. This prompted another participant in the forum to ask if a four month old baby was too young to learn from having her nose “flicked” and yet another to ask, “What if the baby only bites when she’s asleep?”

I am not a lactation consultant or expert, yet I can say without hesitation that “flicking” a baby’s nose in order to cause pain, thus”teaching” her not to bite while breastfeeding, is not a gentle, respectful way to approach the situation, and I doubt that it’s very effective, anyway.

Babies are not able to take the viewpoint of another, and so don’t yet understand that their actions may cause another person pain. This understanding develops slowly over time. In my opinion, “flicking” a four month old baby’s nose to “teach” her not to bite could be considered mildly abusive.

Babies learn in the context of loving, trusting relationships with patient, caring adults. To be sure, this does not mean that a Mom should have to quietly endure her baby’s bite, as innocent or exploratory as it might be, but the solution is not to inflict pain on the baby in return.

In the case of a baby who only bites when she is asleep, the solution is simple: Remove (or unlatch) the baby from your breast before the baby falls asleep, or as soon as you notice the baby has fallen asleep. If baby has filled her tummy, and is now drowsing off, it’s best to allow her to fall asleep without using your breast as a “pacifier”. (Very young babies may fall asleep at the breast more quickly and easily, but if they are still hungry, they will rouse with a change of position and resume vigorous nursing.)

In terms of Magda Gerber’s teachings about breastfeeding, she recognized feeding times as intimate, connected times, and also as “learning” times for babies. She urged Moms to minimize distractions, focus on baby, and pay close attention to their cues whenever or however feeding a baby – by breast, bottle, or spoon. She also encouraged Moms to separate a baby’s need for nourishment from a baby’s need or desire to suckle for comfort. For more on Magda Gerber’s approach to feeding babies in attuned, respectful ways from the very beginning, I refer you to Janet Lansbury’s wonderful, informative post, Mindful Mouthfuls -Helping Our Babies Learn Healthy Eating.

The question remains- what are gentle but effective ways to discourage a baby from biting while breastfeeding? I like some of the information and guidelines offered by Kelly Bonyata, BS, IBCLC who suggests several reasons why a baby may be biting (not hungry, boredom, experimentation, teething, or asking for Mom to pay (more) attention, among others).

Depending on the age of your baby, and the circumstances in which she is biting, there are a number of possible solutions. Kelly notes that a baby who is actively nursing is not able to bite, and also discusses ways to help Mom and baby adjust the latch when baby is not biting, but Mom is uncomfortable due to pressure from baby’s teeth.

I’d love it if any of you who have had experience with your baby biting during breastfeeding would share your thoughts or solutions with Kathy (and me) below.

On Crying and Fussiness

Fussy babies are either annoying or “poor little thing” depending on if they are related to you.

My friend Kaylia (proud Auntie) made this astute observation and posted it on Facebook the other day, which resulted in a number of interesting and (some) humorous comments.

It’s common and understandable that loving and caring adults (both parents and others) often react to a baby’s cries and/or fussiness in one of the above ways, depending on the circumstances. Underneath the expression of “poor little thing”, or the expression of irritation and perplexity, as the case may be, often exists the desire to soothe or “help” the baby in some way, in order to stop the crying, and make the baby feel better. But I don’t think it’s always possible or desirable to try to soothe or distract a crying or fussy baby.

My response to Kaylia’s observation:

Can’t help it. Let me offer another point of view regarding a fussy baby! When a baby is fussy or crying, I don’t think, “Annoying” OR “Poor little thing.” Instead, I wonder about what the baby might be trying to express, and I try to “listen” very closely to understand what she might be trying to say, in order to be able to respond to her in a helpful way. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to ease the fussing, and it’s just a matter of being present with a baby, and letting them know we hear them.

Little babies have feelings, and things to say, and can also have bad days, just like us. We wouldn’t like to be responded to in a condescending or patronizing way if we were having a hard time, so why respond to a baby as if they are either completely helpless, and in need of rescuing or pity, or on the other hand, as if they are a bother because we are frustrated by not being able to understand their way of communicating, and are unable to make them stop fussing?

Maybe the best any of us can do for babies (or for each other) is to be willing to listen, try to understand, and offer help IF we can. I wonder if parents and caregivers would feel less frustration as well, if they let go of the idea that it was somehow up to them to solve the problem for the baby, or make the baby happy?

Just some food for thought.

Laughing Baby Video

Unless you’ve been hiding in a cave in Siberia, you’ve probably seen the video of an eight month old baby boy named Micah, who is laughing hysterically as his Dad repeatedly rips a job rejection letter into shreds. The video went viral after being tweeted by a pregnant Alyssa Milano with the tag line, “If this doesn’t make you smile, check your pulse.” The beautiful baby and his proud parents were even featured on the Today Show. To date, the video has been viewed over 5.5 million times.

Many friends and family members have sent me the video, sure that I would love it, “because you love babies so much.” There’s no doubt that Micah’s laugh is delightful, but instead of loving the video, I feel uncomfortable every time I watch it. Why don’t I view this video as a lovely interaction between a baby and his Dad? To help me answer that question for you, I’m going to ask you to go back and watch the video again- but this time, turn the volume off first, and just watch the baby. Watch Micah’s eyes. Watch and see if you can tell what he’s interested in. Watch and see if, with no sound, you come away with the impression that the baby is being slightly manipulated, interrupted, or frustrated in his exploration and play.

This is what I see when I watch the video, and while it’s not awful, it’s illustrative of the way many adults interact with, and play with babies. It’s very common to see babies being entertained, or to see adults trying to elicit a response from a baby- usually a laugh. And when a baby laughs, we feel good, and think the baby must be happy too. In fact, if you google “laughing baby” literally hundreds of videos will pop up- many of them showing babies (s)trapped in some kind of chair, while an adult, who often remains out of sight, tears paper, or makes some kind of novel noise, eliciting peals of (sometimes hysterical) laughter from the baby.

In one of the videos, the baby’s laughter bordered on tears, as he strained with his entire body to reach for the paper, which his Mom held just out of his reach. Finally, after about three minutes, the Mom leaned in to kiss the baby, and said, ‘Good boy!’ before the video ended, almost as if the baby was completing a performance or test of some kind. This video made me a little sad. Babies shouldn’t have to perform for adults, yet that’s sometimes what we ask of them.

Before I studied with Magda Gerber, I know I sometimes played with babies in similar ways, missing the very subtle cues that would allow me to be more “in tune” with them, and follow their lead, instead of taking over and entertaining, or trying to coax a laugh. But once I got a glimpse of what was possible when babies were allowed to be the”writers, directors, and actors in their own play” (to quote Magda Gerber) there was no going back for me.

In my experience there is no sound more wonderful than that of a baby”s chortle of delight when her fancy is tickled by a new discovery or the invention of her own game, and there is nothing that beats the feeling of being invited into a game that a baby initiates. I’ve actually had the very rare treat of being present when a baby “discovered” and “invented” the game of peek- a- boo for the first time- all on her own- without ever having first been introduced to the game by an adult. Talk about a priceless gift. I wish I had that on video to share with you!

It’s amazing to realize that if we just give babies time and space, if we follow their lead, they will invent their own games and sometimes invite us to play along. When we respect and trust our babies enough, we can slow down, and tune in to their cues. In this way, we may discover that we don’t have to work so hard to entertain, nor do we have to teach, but we can instead relax, enter, and share the baby’s world a little bit, as he discovers it on his own terms.

Trust me when I say it is a truly magical, delightful experience. Besides communicating trust and respect, when we refrain from entertaining, our babies don’t become hooked on, or look for constant stimulation in order to enjoy playing. In this way we protect their ability to discover and invent their own games.

For a short, beautiful, and insightful description by a new Mom reflecting on her baby’s play, (Pikler/Gerber style) please see Nadine Hillmar’s recent blog post, ‘I play. You watch.’ Nadine’s post has served as my antidote to the “Laughing Baby” video, and my hope is that by sharing it with you, you might be able to see another way to approach play with a young child, one that might be a little different from what is considered the norm, yet one that offers the possibility of discovering the joy of entering a young child’s world on her terms…

What do do think?

“Maybe She Was Just Practicing”

We were all at the dinner table the other night, when the conversation turned to the subject of “truth telling.” S. who is now 5 years old, has been known to experiment with stretching the truth a bit at times in recent months, which prompted her Dad to tell her the story of “The Little Shepherd Girl Who Cried Wolf.” Now, her Dad asked her if she remembered the story, and if she could tell us what happened. S. said “Well, the little shepherd girl kept calling “Wolf” when there wasn’t really a wolf, and then when there really was a wolf, and she called for help, no-one believed her, and no-one came to help, and that was big trouble for the sheep.” S. was quiet for a moment, and her Dad asked what she thought the story meant. Without missing a beat, S. replied, “Well, I think maybe the shepherd girl was just practicing.” I love this child, and the way she thinks!

What Does Twitter Have To Do With Babies?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been slow to embrace social media. Until three weeks ago, I never had a facebook page for my business, and I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of jumping on the twitter bandwagon. I just couldn’t see the point.

And then something happened that changed my mind, and turned my way of thinking upside down.The organization called RIE, founded by my mentor Magda Gerber, received some attention in the press. First, there was an article in The Daily Beast, which was copied, and spread like wildfire across the Internet, and then Lisa Belkin, of the New York Times, wrote about RIE in her well known, well respected, and well read blog, The Motherlode.

I will not be supplying the links to those articles here, because I refuse to be a part of spreading the snarky, inaccurate portrayal of Magda Gerber’s philosophy as presented in those articles. If you are interested in reading a thoughtful response to those articles, I will instead refer you to Janet Lansbury’s post, RIE Parenting, A Culture Of Creativity.

The response by the general public to the original articles was largely negative, and I found myself feeling helpless, and incensed that Magda’s words and work were being so misunderstood, and presented and judged in such a negative light, because I am passionate about carrying her message of respect for babies to as many people as possible. I have witnessed the power Magda’s approach has to make a profound positive difference in the lives of not only children, but adults as well.

It occurred to me that the reason Magda’s ideas are so little known, and even less well understood, is not just because they are a little different from the accepted norm, but because they haven’t been presented to the wider world in a way that others could hear, accept, and understand. When Magda was first introducing her philosophy to parents and early childhood professionals in the United States, beginning in 1978, the Internet and social media didn’t exist. (OK, the Internet existed, but we weren’t all on-line 24 hours a day.) The first inquiries that came to Magda came in the mail, in the form of handwritten notes (can you imagine?) and she responded on a typewriter.

Some say that Magda wasn’t ambitious, and was content to let RIE grow slowly and to remain a small organization, and to some extent that was true, yet I see evidence everywhere that she was a one woman dynamo, passionate about enrolling others in the cause of “Seeing Infants With New Eyes.” Magda maintained an impressive schedule of teaching and speaking, traveling far and wide to bring her message to parents and professionals everywhere, in addition to writing a monthly newsletter, authoring three books, producing four videos, and a yearly conference for parents and teachers, to boot. She did this with the assistance of a part-time secretary, and a troop of dedicated volunteers.

Magda was fond of saying ” the message is the messenger,” (or vice- versa) and she was the embodiment of the message she was trying to convey to others. A person could not be in her presence without feeling deeply listened to, and appreciated. I vividly remember one time when she entered a baby/parent class that I was teaching. One of the little babies was crying inconsolably. Magda approached slowly, and sat quietly near the baby, and waited. After a few minutes, she talked to the baby in a quiet voice. The baby stopped crying, and gazed into Magda’s eyes, and in a few minutes she was smiling and cooing. Babies often responded to Magda’s presence in this way. It was magical to witness, yet there was no magic involved. Magda had the ability to be truly still, and fully present with babies and grown -ups alike, and it made a difference.

I feel like today more than ever before, families and professionals working with families, need to know about, and can benefit from understanding Magda Gerber’s ideas about babies, even if they don’t agree with them, or choose another way to parent or care. Magda was never invested in having people agree with her; instead she wanted to start conversations. She wanted to encourage people to think about babies in a different way. She never espoused her way as being the one way, only way, or right way to parent or care.

It occurs to me Magda was a social media maven in her own right, before there was twitter or facebook. Imagine the number of people she could reach with her message today if she was here to engage on-line. I can’t help but believe she just might take advantage of twitter and facebook to reach a larger audience if she was here with us today.

Times change, and the way we communicate with and bring our message to others has to change with the times. And so, I am now entering the world of social media via twitter, and facebook in hopes of taking a small part in bringing Magda Gerber’s ideas to a broader audience.

Because I am a teacher at heart, I can’t help but want to share my experience and thoughts about what I have learned (so far) about using twitter effectively to bring a message to a wider audience. I’ve discovered some interesting connections between engaging in, and building relationships on-line and engaging in, and building relationships off- line. Tomorrow, I’d like to share more on that topic. I’d love it if you’d join me in the conversation.

To be continued…. http://www.bitrebels.com/geek/10-tips-to-build-meaningful-relationships-on-twitter/

I Don’t Want To Yell, I Say- Guest Post by Clara

“I don’t want to yell.”

I take a deep breath and look into his eyes. They are blue, bright blue, and red, bloodshot red, from the crying.

“It’s just that…”

…are you apologizing or not?
…yes, but I want to explain
…he knows why you’re mad. He wants you to stop.
…then he should stop doing things that make me mad!
…he wants to see how far he can push you, whether you’ll still love him, whether you’ll lose control.
…obviously!
…so who cares why you’re mad? It’s irrelevant.
…I have to explain myself. I have to explain why!
…no you don’t. You don’t. He is not an adult. He is a child. The information he needs is simple. He doesn’t need to know any of this. You talk too much. You think too much. You talk about what you think and think about what you say, too much.

“I’m sorry.I know you’re scared.
I will try to yell less.
I love you.”

He smiles.
“OK.”

We start again.

The above words were penned by Clara, who hails from Canada. Clara is a writer, and a mother to two boys, ages two and four. You can find her and read more of her very wonderful writing at The Cheeseblog .

I am so grateful to Clara for granting me permission to reprint her thoughts here. I came across this post unexpectedly, and was moved to tears by the honest expression of Clara’s struggle as she tried to find a way to re-connect with her son after having lost her patience with him.

No matter how much you love them, or what your intentions are, it can sometimes be impossible to remain calm and patient when caring for your young children. As a parent, you will make mistakes. You will not be perfect. There will be times when your words or actions may cause hurt. You can count on those things, because making mistakes is part of being human.

The good news is this: perfection is not required or necessary in order to be a good, and loving parent and role model. What is required is a willingness to be honest, say you made a mistake, apologize (briefly!) and be willing to start again.

There will be times during your parenting journey when a break occurs in your relationship with your child, but if you are committed to trying again, you can find a way to build a bridge back to your child, and you may be surprised to find him waiting right there to meet you half way.

What A Toddler Knows: There Are No Mistakes

Last week as I listened to my business coaching call, I found myself rushing to scribble down some words of wisdom that particularly spoke to me. Ryan was talking about the fact that all highly successful business people and leaders have some traits in common: namely that they are unafraid to take bold action, and they see taking imperfect action as better than taking no action at all.

Successful people don’t view mistakes as failure, but rather as information and learning opportunities.There is an element of playfulness to their approach, and a willingness to keep moving forward in the face of obstacles.

For some reason, this made me think of J., probably because at 21 months of age, he is the embodiment of these principles in action. Have you ever noticed that toddlers seem to approach most everything in life with gusto? They just live full out, and go for what they want. They don’t let inexperience or lack of knowing how stop them. They may encounter obstacles along the way, and they may literally run into walls and experience frustration, but most of the time they don’t give up. The difference between a lot of adults and most toddlers is that adults have often forgotten what they used to know as young children- which is that mistakes don’t equal failure.

Let me paint you a word picture that illustrates: J. literally spent hours last week trying to conquer climbing up onto the coach by himself, which is no small feat for someone who is barely taller than the 18 inches he had to scale to make it up on his own.

Now, what was interesting to me was that this was a self chosen challenge, and one he could have achieved easily by moving his small plastic step stool close to the couch and using it as a tool to boost him up, which he knows how to do, and had done many times before.Nope, that would be far too easy. He wanted a new challenge.

So I stood patiently by, and refrained from giving direction, suggestions, or a hand up, while he struggled valiantly to figure out how to conquer the climb up to the coach. He tried several techniques that just didn’t work. There was a lot of grunting, and sometimes he stopped and turned to me to complain. I acknowledged that he seemed to be working hard, and that it wasn’t easy. This seemed to be all he needed to carry on.

Eventually, he achieved his goal. I wish you could have seen the look of joy in his eyes when he turned to me with a big grin, as if to say, “Look, I did it.” Was he content to have achieved his goal? Yes, but he wasn’t content to rest on his laurels. No sooner had I returned his smile than he went scrabbling down to try again, and again, and again, and again, and…. until he had perfected his technique. I could only marvel at his determination and perseverance.

This is why I love being in the company of toddlers. My wish for J. is that he will always be so self motivated and persistent and take such pleasure in his learning. And my wish for myself and any adult that may have forgotten that mistakes are just opportunities to try again, is that we always have a toddler around to remind us of this truth!