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Can’t Get No Respect

S. recently started kindergarten, and her brother and I walk to school to pick her up every day. One day this week, as I was pushing J. in his stroller up the rather steep hill to S.’s classroom, a Dad of one of S.’s playmates caught up with me and asked, “So is this what you expected? Is this what you wanted to do with your life? Did you say to yourself, ‘I want to spend my life pushing someone else’s baby stroller up the hill.’ ?”

Let me tell you, it was a good thing for him that the hill was steep, I was walking at a good clip, and I was slightly out of breath, otherwise he might have really gotten a piece of my mind. As it was, I simply said, ” You know, I have a degree in Education, and I’ve worked in a number of positions in the field over the years, but this is what I most enjoy doing, and I’m lucky to work with a family that really appreciates me and treats me well. So yeah, this is exactly what I want to be doing with my life.” That seemed to quiet him down.

Aside from the fact that I could never imagine being so rude to someone I barely knew, what upset me so much about this question is the underlying assumption and judgement that the work I am doing is somehow “less than”. I don’t know how else to describe this attitude, but I’ve encountered it often throughout my years working in the field of early childhood education.

I’ve bumped up against it when my salary as a toddler teacher was about half the salary of that of an elementary school teacher, and again when I worked as a nanny for another family earning $10.00 an hour, no benefits, while the housekeeper was paid $25.00 an hour.

Another manifestation of this attitude occurs at dinner parties with other professionals when I answer that I am a nanny in response to the ubiquitous question, “What do you do for work?” Many times the response from others is something along the lines of, “Oh that sounds like so much fun. You get paid to play all day.” (Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my work, but in no way would I describe what I do as “getting paid to play all day.”)

Once I dated a lawyer who said he really enjoyed reading professional journals and keeping up with the changes and nuances of law. I replied that I understood, because I also found it fascinating to keep up with the current reading and research in my field of work. He countered by asking what reading could possibly be associated with my”field.” “After all, you pretty much just change diapers all day, right?” ( By the way, this man was also a father.)

Needless to say, that was the end of our (very brief) relationship, but not before I took the opportunity to try to educate him a bit about what my work really entails.

When I was younger, I often felt insecure in situations such as the ones I described above, and I sometimes felt the need to “defend” myself and my choices by informing others of the full extent of my education and experience.

These days, I’m not lacking in confidence, and I don’t feel I need to defend or explain my choice of work, but I still feel the need to challenge the assumption that caring for young children is somehow a less worthy, or less important choice of occupation than any other.

This is not just a rant about the lack of esteem with which others sometimes regard my profession. The reason I am so passionate about raising awareness and sensitivity around this issue is because I see myself as an advocate for babies, toddlers, and their families, and all too often the attitudes I have encountered in response to my chosen field of work represent a microcosm of the prevailing attitudes in our society towards children and mothering.

I am aware that even today, women who choose to stay home with their young children are often judged in the way I am describing. Also, in my opinion, the fact that women with young children who are on public assistance are required to be enrolled in school, a work training program, or employed outside the home despite the fact that they often don’t have access to quality, affordable childcare, is a travesty. If we valued children in our society, don’t you think this would be different?

Lip service is often paid to the importance of nurturing, mothering, and protecting the youngest and most vulnerable members of our society, and yet everywhere I look, I see evidence that points to the fact that our priorities as a nation are not in line with our stated beliefs.

Isn’t it about time that babies and those who nurture, protect, and teach them are given a little respect? Babies are more than cute, and caring for them involves so much more than just attending to their physical needs. Magda Gerber taught that the way in which adults approach caring can make all the difference in terms of supporting a baby’s optimal growth and development. Those involved in caring for and nurturing babies are involved in the most amazing, most important work in the world. I can’t help but wonder what it might look and feel like to live in a world where the needs of children are truly valued and put first, and families receive all the support they need in order to nurture their babies. Isn’t that a world you’d like to live in too?

NO Tummy Time Necessary

Allowing babies to move freely, according to their own inner schedules and dictates,  is a hallmark of Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy. When babies are allowed to develop naturally, in their own time and their own way, they learn to move with ease and grace. They tend to have excellent body awareness and posture, and a good sense of where their bodies are in space.

Allowing a baby’s gross motor development to unfold naturally means avoiding placing babies into positions they can’t get into or out of on their own. Ideally, young babies are set on their backs not just for sleep, but for playtime as well, because this is the position that most supports their bodies, and in which they are most relaxed and free to move. What this means is no tummy time for babies until they spontaneously begin to roll first to their sides, and then unto their tummies. It means not pulling or propping a baby with pillows into a sitting position until he can move into this position on his own. It means avoiding all baby “containers” like bouncy seats, exersaucers, and baby swings, and using car seats judiciously. It means not lifting a toddler onto a piece of play equipment, like a slide, that she can’t yet scale herself.

There are many advantages for babies who are allowed to develop their ability to move on their own without adult assistance or interference. For instance, they are safer and less likely to fall from playground equipment and injure themselves, because they develop good judgment. As Magda Gerber said, “If they can climb up by themselves, we can trust that they can climb down safely.” (For an excellent description of how children learn to sense where their bodies are in space, see: Learning to “Sense” Space: Why Kids May Fall Out of Bed,  at Moving Smart.)

It turns out nature has a plan, and it’s a good one. All children develop gross motor skills in the same sequence, and all that varies is the timing. If children are given the opportunity to practice moving freely, they will be in tune with and strengthen their ability to listen to their innate body wisdom. At every stage, in every way, they will be doing exactly what they need to do to prepare themselves to achieve the next milestone. Their gross motor abilities will unfold before our eyes- no adult help or intervention is necessary. They will not attempt to use equipment or take risks they are not yet ready for.

When we place babies in positions that they are not yet able to achieve on their own, we may put them at risk of injury, of developing poor coordination and posture, and equally importantly, we risk cutting off their inner agenda, and their self-initiated exploration. There are recent studies that show that babies placed in baby walkers and exersaucers, actually develop their ability to walk at a later date than babies who have not been exposed to such devices.

Magda suggested that babies know best how to be babies, and there are just some things we should not rush. The message babies might get when we “help” them, by pulling them to sitting before they can do it on their own for instance, might be this one: “I don’t value and appreciate what you can do, but I expect you to do what you can not yet do.” Is this the message we want our babies to get? What implications do you think this has for a baby’s developing sense of self, his ability to learn, or her ability to trust herself?

Another thing to consider is that when we put babies into positions that they can’t yet achieve on their own, we make them dependent on us, because they have limited mobility, and are stuck until we come to rescue them.

Most young babies are very uncomfortable, and loudly protest when they are placed on their tummies to “play”. They can’t yet lift their heads or hold them up for very long, so they can’t see much. The ways in which they can move their arms and legs are limited. All they can do is learn to endure the discomfort they feel, or cry, and hope someone will come to move them into a more comfortable position.

I learned from infant specialist Magda Gerber, who learned from her friend and mentor, Hungarian pediatrician Emmi Pikler, who learned from carefully observing and documenting the development of hundreds of babies over many years.

And if seeing is believing, all you need to do is watch this short video montage of baby Liv, which follows her development throughout her first year. This four-minute video, produced by Irene Gutteridge, as part of a project called The Next 25 Years speaks volumes about how babies learn to move easefully and gracefully, from back to side, to tummy, and back again. Just look at Liv’s face when she achieves her goal of turning onto her tummy. Priceless!

Changes Afoot

I haven’t been blogging often as of late, since I’ve been busy working with a web designer to give the web site a much needed and long overdue re-design. The goal is to debut a more visually appealing, much more user friendly site, packed with useful resources and inspiration to support families and others who are interested in learning more about what Magda Gerber’s respectful approach to being with babies might have to offer.

I can’t wait to have the tools that will allow for more interaction and discussion among all of us! As it stands now with the current site, this is a cumbersome process.

Besides working to update the site, I’m gearing up to start a weekly Saturday class locally in Santa Cruz, and I’ve been working with a business coach to guide me through this process in an intelligent way. Who knew starting a small business isn’t as easy as hanging out a shingle?

To be honest, I did know, but I didn’t anticipate what a feat it would be trying to accomplish this task while caring for and providing full time support for a family with two small children. Having the support and guidance of my brilliant business coach Ryan Eliason (at www.ryaneliason.com) has made all the difference in terms of helping to keep me sane and on task.

I am trying to be patient with the process, and the time it takes to make and build connections in a new community. This isn’t always easy for me, but is good practice for being with babies, because being with them requires the same kind of willingness to be patient, go slowly, and wait for growth and progress to manifest in it’s own good time. It helps me to frame it this way anyway, when I am feeling impatient, and want to see results yesterday!

I’ve had the pleasure of providing private consultations and workshops to a small number of local families this past year, and I will be speaking to a number of local parent groups in the near future as well.

I have also been busy reading and commenting on other people’s blogs. Anyone who knows me even a little, or has read my blog, knows that I am a voracious reader. I read to learn, for enjoyment, for answers to questions, for inspiration, to be challenged. I need to read like I need to breathe. And I love reading blogs, because not only does doing so provide all of the things books provide, but blogs also provide the opportunity for discussion and debate, which is something else I value highly and enjoy immensely.

I’d like to share links to some of my favorite sites, the ones I find inspiring and helpful in my work with children and families, and I would love, love, love, to hear from you about your favorites.

Here’s where you can find me: www.janetlansbury.com. Janet Lansbury is a mother, and a RIE parent educator. Magda Gerber was her dear friend and mentor. elevating childcare is her on-line resource for parents, and she’s just added a community forum as well. This is the blog I wish I could write!

Kathleen is a mom who wants to participate in conversation about politics, the environment, food, wine, and parenting- when she has a moment 2 think. She’s at amoment2think.wordpress.com/.

Parenting Science bills itself as a site for the thinking parent. They can be found at parentingscience.com . They examine the science of parenting and child development. Because inquiring minds want to know!

The following sites are of particular interest to me as well, as they resonate with deeply held beliefs and values: In Praise of Slowness at carlhonore.com. Carl Honore has been called the father of the Slow Movement. He says the slow movement is not about doing everything at a snail’s pace, but about doing everything at the right pace.

Simplicity parenting at simplicityparenting.com. Simplicity parenting focuses on using the power of less to raise calmer, happier, more secure children.

Last but not at all least, Campaign For A Commercial Free Childhood (the little non-profit that could!). CCFC works to counter the harmful effects of marketing to children through action, advocacy, education, and research. Find them at commercialexploitation.org.

Happy reading, and conversing!

Listening

The following are quotes from Joyce Maynard’s novel Labor Day about what babies know, and what they need, and how we might listen to, and be with them. I found these passages to be inspiring and wise, and wanted to share them here:

One thing he would tell me, though, he said, had to do with babies.Not that he was any kind of expert, but for a brief while, long ago, he had cared for his son, and that experienece more than any other had taught him the importance of following your instincts. Tuning in to the situation with all your five senses, and your body, not your brain.A baby cries in the night, and you go to pick him up. Maybe he’s screaming so hard his face is the color of a radish, or he’s gasping for breath, he’s got himself so worked up. What are you going to do, take a book off the shelf , and read what some expert has to say?

You lay your hand against his skin and just rub his back.Blow into his ear. Press the baby up against your own skin and walk outside with him, where the night wind will surround him, and moonlight fall on his face. Whistle, maybe.Dance. Hum. Pray.

Sometimes a cool breeze might be just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes a warm hand on the belly.Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is the best. You have to pay attention. Slow things way down. Tune out the rest of the world that doesn’t really matter. Feel what the moment calls for.

What I have found is that a baby-though she doesn’t know words yet, or information, or the rules of life- is the most reliable judge of feelings. All a baby has with which to take in the world are her five senses.

…And it has been my experience when you do this-slow down, pay attention, follow the simple instincts of love- a person is likely to respond favorably. It is generally true of babies, and most other people too, perhaps.Also dogs. Hamsters even.And people so damaged by life in the world that there might seem no hope for them, only there may be.

“I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I yam.”

Recently S. said, “Lisa, I just like what I like, and I don’t like what I don’t like, and it’s always going to be that way. But I might like some new things when I get bigger.”

S. will be celebrating her fifth birthday in a few weeks, and is quite sure of who she is, and what she likes and doesn’t like.

Maybe because her birthday is fast approaching, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how she’s grown and changed over the past four years since I’ve known her.

One thing that strikes me is that the essence of who S. is has remained remarkably constant over time.

The other day when she was upset about something, and I asked her what was wrong and what would make her feel better, she cried out, “Nothing!” before flouncing off to her room to regain her calm by looking through some of her beloved books.

S. has reacted in this very same way whenever she has been frustrated or overwhelmed, since she’s been less than two years old. Then, she would respond, “Anything!” to our inquiries and attempts to help, before retreating to her room to regain balance. (Mind you, we never sent her to her room, this was her chosen way to calm herself).

Any seasoned parent will tell you that babies arrive in this world with their own unique personalities and quirks, which tend to remain constant over time.

Knowing and understanding a child’s particular personality and ways of approaching life can help us to be more sensitive parents and teachers to them.

Magda Gerber believed we could best come to know and understand babies by stepping back a bit, and observing, to give them time and space to express and develop their unique personalities.

A recent study seems to confirm that our personalities are set for life by the time we are in the first grade, and our personalities as children can predict our behavior as adults.The researchers looked at traits such as talkativeness and adaptability.

The author of the study (Christopher Nave), which was done at the University of California at Riverside, was quoted as saying, “We remain recognizably the same person, which speaks to the importance of understanding personality because it does follow us wherever we go across time and contexts.”

I wonder if this is why our image of ourselves remains fairly constant across time as well, and if it explains why we can be celebrating our fortieth birthday, but not feel so much older, or so much different from when we were much younger, despite all the physical evidence to the contrary?

To be sure, our own personalities have a huge impact on the way we parent (or care), and knowing and understanding ourselves can go a long way to building our relationship with our children, and navigating potentially difficult situations. With self understanding we can remain true to who we are, and draw on our strengths while meeting the needs of our children who may have very different personalities from us.

The Myers Briggs Inventory is one popular tool which is used to determine personality type, and cognitive (learning) style. It tends to be highly accurate, and is often used to guide people to work that best suits them and that they’ll most enjoy.

I took the test once as a young adult, and again just recently, and the results remained the same over time.

Now, I’m not suggesting you take the Myers Briggs Inventory, but I do want to share a new book and web site that I just discovered that I think is a wonderful, supportive tool for parents (and teachers of young children as well) who are interested in exploring this topic a bit more.

It is called MotherStyles, and it uses personality theory to help you discover your strengths as a parent. You can find it here: www.motherstyles.com.

You don’t have to buy the book to benefit from what the author, Janet Penley, who is a mother herself, has to offer. You can take either a brief or a longer survey on-line, and discover your parenting type or style, and there is a wealth of information and a blog, that will help you to understand the strengths you bring to parenting.

What I love is that this web site is so positive, and practical. Janet believes that:1) Good mothers come in many styles, and every mother brings natural strengths to the mothering experience that make her children lucky to have her as a mother.

2)No mother is perfect, because every mother is human- so along with the strengths you bring to mothering, you have limitations, needs, and vulnerabilities. The good news is kids don’t need perfect mothers- they need human mothers.

3)Finally, self- knowledge is the key to successful parenting, just as it is in any job or relationship, but doubly so in mothering because the mother’s role is both job and relationship.

I can whole-heartedly recommend this resource to all parents and teachers of young children. Check it out today!

Learning

I read and read, and every once in a while, I come across something that resonates deeply and I feel is worth passing on. The following is a quote about learning written by Dawna Markova:

Learning is so much more than a transfer of information. It can mean wholeness, empowerment, actualization, liberation. Observe any young child anyplace in the world and you will find a seeker of excellence built into their DNA. They embody this inherent impulse in their rampant curiosity about themselves and their world, the way they naturally follow their interests and rhythms, seek out and risk experimentation, honor their dreams and daydreams, consider mistakes as information rather than something wrong. Children have taught me that learning is discovering something is possible.

The question for me as a caregiver and an advocate for children becomes “How do I allow, support, and protect the child’s natural ability to engage in her own learning in this deep way, and how do I support parents in being able to see the miracle of what their child is capable of from birth ? ”

I’ll tell you I earned a Master’s degree in Education, and worked with children for many years before being introduced to Magda Gerber and her RIE philosophy, which finally provided me a meaningful way to begin to answer this question. Magda’s philosophy is both simple and profound, and beautiful in that it allows parents and other adults who care for children a way to honor and nurture a child’s essence from the very beginning. I remain in awe and gratitude to this wise woman for her work with children and families, her teachings and insights, and her way of teaching…

What Is RIE Anyway?

“What is RIE anyway, and what it it all about ? I’ve heard that it is sort of cult like, that it is “hands off” parenting, that RIE believes in letting babies cry and not helping them… How can any of this be good for children ? Babies are vulnerable and need their parents to take care of them, hold them, and comfort them- otherwise, how will they learn to feel safe and loved ?”

This question was in my in-box this morning. Myths, misunderstandings, and misconceptions abound, so I thought I’d try to clarify.

The simple response is that RIE stands for Resources For Infant Educarers, which represents both the philosophy of infant care that Magda Gerber began introducing to parents and caregivers in the United States beginning in the 1970’s, as well the non-profit organization she founded, through which parenting classes and professional trainings are offered.

RIE emphasizes caring for infants with Respect for their unique needs, as well as their unique strengths and capabilities. Magda wanted us to look at babies not as needy little unformed lumps who are completely dependent on adults for everything, but as competent little beings in their own right, capable of being full and active participants in their own growth and development from the very beginning.

By the way, the concept of respect refers not to just what babies need and want, but what parents need and want as well. More about this later.

Educarer is a term Magda coined which embodies the idea that adults educate or teach, and babies absorb, many lessons about themselves, their world, and how capable (or not) we perceive them to be, through our approach to daily activities like diapering, feeding, bathing, play and discipline. In other words, our attitudes and actions give the baby messages about how we see him or her, which s/he internalizes, which then influences what s/he learns, and who s/he becomes.

RIE seeks to answer the question of how to go about parenting or caring for very young children in ways that will allow them to become self confident, competent, capable, exploring , curious, contented, secure, focused, resourceful, peaceful, inner directed, involved, aware, self-initiating, cooperative, attentive, interested, and authentic children and adults. When you think about what you hope to achieve through your parenting doesn’t that about cover it.?

Research proves that babies learn first and best within the context of a nurturing relationship with a trusted adult or adults, and then when basic needs for food, rest, and nurturing are met, through their own exploration of the world around them.

Obviously there are many means to achieving an end and the RIE philosophy offers one way.RIE encourages starting with basic trust – a belief that your baby has the ability to initiate, explore,and learn within an environment that is physically safe and emotionally nurturing. Diapering and other care-giving activities are ideally carried out in a manner that allows and encourages your child’s active participation. Providing uninterrupted playtime, and the freedom to explore, combined with sensitive observation on the part of adults in order to understand what is needed and when, along with consistency, and clearly defined limits and expectations (discipline), round out the recommendations.

Are you beginning to see that RIE is in no way “hands off ” parenting” ? In fact the relationship and the development of a strong reciprocal (two way) relationship and communication between parent and child are at the crux of the philosophy. They may be tiny, but don’t underestimate what babies bring to the table !

Nowhere is there ever any mention of allowing a baby to cry without consolation. What you will find is the suggestion that when a baby cries, the adult should take a moment to stand back and ask, “What is my baby trying to tell me ? What does she need in this moment?” as opposed to rushing in and automatically reacting by shushing, pacifying, rocking, feeding, or distracting. The idea is that the cry sends a message, and without a doubt a response is called for – but what response ? I refer to this as being responsive rather than reactive in your parenting. It leaves a little room for taking a breath, listening, and responding in a thoughtful way. This practice alone brings a new calm to your parenting and strengthens your relationship and communication with your baby.

Here’s an example: Baby J. (10 months old) wakes from his nap crying. This is unusual for him, as he usually wakes happy and babbling. I look at the clock and see he’s slept for an hour, which is half an hour less than he usually sleeps. I decide not to go into his room immediately,because it’s possible he may need to go back to sleep, and if I walk in, I know this will further arouse and upset him. So I wait 5 minutes and listen. After 5 minutes, he doesn’t settle, so I go to him, and greet him. J. is standing in his crib, and crying a little bit. He quiets when he sees me. “Hi J., you woke up a little early today! I heard you crying. Do you want to come up (reaching my arms out to him) ?” J. reaches out for me and I pick him up and he snuggles into my shoulder. After a few minutes, he pulls back, looks at me, and grins, and starts to wiggle to get down. ” Hold on little guy, let’s check your diaper, before you go play. You woke up from your nap a little early and I want to make sure it’s not because you are wet and uncomfortable.” So we change his diaper, and he is indeed wet AND poopy which probably explains the early waking. Once he’s changed, he plays happily for awhile, until it gets close to his lunch time. After lunch, he goes for his second nap of the day about 15 minutes early because he is fussy, and uninterested in playing.

This simple interaction is a dance and a conversation between J. and me.How do I decide how and when to respond ? Notice I don’t just rush in when J. cries and scoop him up. Why? Because I know this baby, and I know he sometimes wakes early from his nap, but that if he hasn’t quite finished sleeping, he will often go back to sleep on his own within 5 minutes if I leave him be. If he doesn’t go back to sleep in 5 minutes, something is up – he needs a diaper change, or he’s teething for instance. I don’t offer a pacifier or try to lull him back to sleep by rubbing his back, rocking him, or offering a bottle. Why ? Because he doesn’t use a pacifier, and he goes to sleep in his crib unassisted. If he’s awake and standing up in his crib, he’s done sleeping . It’s also not a time when he usually eats or is hungry – so I don’t offer food as comfort- I offer snuggling instead. I suspect a diaper change is in order, but I don’t automatically rush to do this either, until J. indicates that he’s ready to move on.

If you can’t imagine a baby (your baby) going to sleep in his crib unassisted without nursing or a pacifier, waking happy and cheerful, eating and sleeping at predictable times, and playing happily on his own for periods of time without being entertained by you, let me suggest that this is the joy and the gift of the philosophy in action. J. is a secure, happy, capable, communicative, loving, engaging little person, and his parents and I are utilizing many aspects of the RIE philosophy in caring for and raising him.

The proof is in the pudding so to speak, and parents utilizing the philosophy often find that they are rewarded for their efforts with babies who are happier and more content.

The Greatest Gift

Well, I seem to be on a roll here, so I’m going to keep the momentum going and write another post. I’m off from work this week, and have the benefit of being without children so that I can actually reflect on what’s important in the day to day work of caring for and raising them. I realize this is a luxury most parents rarely, if ever, get. I hope to inspire you with my reflections.

Now that most of the holiday hustle and bustle has died down, and the presents have been bestowed, it seems like a good time to remind ourselves of the greatest gift we can give our children. This is the one that doesn’t cost anything, can’t be purchased from a store, doesn’t come in a box, can’t be opened, and the one our children most need, most benefit from, never tire of, and are most delighted by time and time again.

Have you guessed what the gift is ? It is the gift of our full, unhurried, time and attention. It is the easiest one for us to forget and lose sight of as we go about our busy days, doing everything that needs to be done to care for our children, and keep a home running smoothly. It is sometimes too easy to fall into the trap of “doing for” and “giving” ( in the material sense ) to our children.

What do you do if you realize you’ve gotten off track, or how do you start if this idea is new to you?

First, make or renew your commitment to try to slow down when you are with your child.

Begin by turning off the phone, the music, the computer, and the TV for short (and then maybe longer periods) of time everyday, and spend that time quietly observing your child at play. You can start with as little as 15 minutes a day.You don’t have to entertain your child, just be near him, and present with him, allowing him to take the lead in initiating contact, and in choosing what objects to play with and how to play with them. This is what Magda Gerber called “wants nothing” quality time.

You have no set agenda or expectations. You are simply bringing your full attention to your child. The benefits of practicing “wants nothing” quality time are enormous for both you and your child.You can begin practicing ” wants nothing” quality time with your new born baby- just lay a blanket on the floor, place the baby on the blanket, and sit down near her.Babies younger than three or four months don’t even need toys. Just watch what she pays attention to, and how she moves her body, or responds to your voice.

I have had parents report that it has changed their relationship with their child. Here are just a few of their reflections :

“I was surprised to find how much we both enjoyed this time together. I saw my baby in a whole new light. I wasn’t really aware of how capable she was before.”

“I started practicing “wants nothing quality time” with my two and four year old children first thing upon arriving home in the evening, at your suggestion. I was skeptical at first, but I was desperate. After a long day at work, I’d pick my children up from childcare, and our evenings were a nightmare, with the kids whiny, picking on each other, and competing for my attention. It was all I could do to get dinner made, give them baths, and get them to bed, without losing my sanity. I often resorted to yelling, and turning on the TV to quiet them down. I didn’t know how to turn this situation around. When you suggested that I let everything go, and spend the first half hour at home practicing “wants nothing quality time” with them, my first thoughts were “How am I going to find time do this?” It will never work.” But what I was doing wasn’t working either. Well it’s been a month now, and I’ve got to tell you that this has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself and my children. We all look forward to arriving home these days. Our evenings are much more peaceful. I really enjoy this time with my kids; it helps me to decompress from my day, and I feel so much closer to them. The kids are so much calmer, and more co-operative in the evenings, and we are all generally a lot happier, so thank you.”

If you are new to practicing being with your baby or child in this way, it can seem a little strange at first. You may feel you should be doing something or saying something, singing a song, or otherwise engaging your child, but the gift you are giving your child in refraining is the gift of unconditional positive regard – you are saying to her, “I’m interested in you and I want to be with you. I appreciate you just as you are. I’m interested in finding out about you, and how you experience the world.” Even little babies have personalities all their own, and by giving them a little space, we can come to see and appreciate their unique qualities and capabilities.

I will talk a little bit more tomorrow about creating a home environment to support you in your endeavors, as well as the opposite of “wants nothing” quality time – which is “wants something” quality time, which is another way to give our children the gift of our time and full attention.

It’s All OK

Last week there was a day at work that went something like this: Both children (one 4 year old and one 11 month old) were sick with colds and ear infections, there were dishes to be washed, the laundry was piled up to the sky, toys were strewn everywhere, the cat was complaining because she wanted to be fed, the fish was drowning in its own waste, it was time for S. to have her ear drops again- which required that she stay laying down and still for at least 15 minutes afterwards, which required that I sit with her and read to her, the baby needed to be coaxed to eat something (anything), it was pouring rain outside, the doorbell was ringing periodically as delivery men made holiday deliveries, cookies needed to be baked for the holiday party at S.’s preschool the next day, both children were cranky and competing for my attention, the baby’s diaper needed to be changed again, and on and on. I was feeling tired, overwhelmed, and frazzled. Not at all like Mary Poppins.Of course Mary Poppins had magic at her disposal, and I- well- I don’t.

So I really understood when my friend Amy, who is a stay at home Mom, called and related a similar tale of woe and desperation. ” I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know what to do first.”

It’s days like this – which can sometimes turn into weeks- that can make you question your sanity and ask yourself why you ever thought you wanted to become a parent (or in my case, a caregiver), in the first place.It’s the little day to day challenges that can wear us out and wear us down.

It’s days like this that Magda’s Gerber’s words, “this too shall pass” come to mind. The challenge is to take a deep breath and stay focused as much as possible in the present moment, while trusting that soon – tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even 10 minutes from now (if a miracle occurs), things will feel and be better.

It helps me to start by saying to myself, “This is what is happening right now. How will I accept and make the best of it?” Because really, the idea that we have any control is an illusion, and I sometimes think that children were put on this earth to help teach some of us (me) this lesson!

It also helps to ask myself – sometimes moment to moment- “What is most important to do right now and what can wait?” Usually, by first calming myself, and then bringing full focus to each child in turn, I can find the way to proceed, and little by little, we move forward through the day together, in a more peaceful way than we might otherwise have.

A few other things that can help are: talking even briefly to someone who understands, and cultivating the ability to find and savor the small moments of joy and laughter that can occur on the worst of days.

For instance, we couldn’t go outside because of sickness and the rain on the day I described, but S. was restless, so I popped in a half hour kids yoga dvd, and we practiced the poses together while her brother watched us from his near by safe play area . The yoga dvd helped S. to burn off restless energy, and for some reason, the baby thought that we were just hilarious as we moved through the yoga poses, and was giggling away, which then made S. laugh, and me smile too.

It turns out while you can’t always control the circumstances, you can adjust your attitude and expectations and this can set a tone for the day- whatever it may bring. This may be one of the biggest challenges you face in caring for your children, but it may also bring the greatest rewards.